Chapter 10 Magnolia #3
“You’re a million miles away. What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Are you anxious about Berkeley again? I told you, it’ll be fine. You’re gonna rule the place. They’re not even gonna know what hit them.”
“I have literally never ruled any place in my life.”
Ellery’s eyes softened in that way that made everything inside me ache. “What’s wrong, Tulip?”
“Um…” Was there ever a chance that I wasn’t going to grab hold of what I saw and tell Ellery?
No, of course not. I was too selfish, too wrapped up in my own feelings for Ellery and what this might mean for me, for us, to ever let that slip out of my hands.
When it comes to love, we can’t help but be self-serving. “So…I saw Trish today.”
“Yeah?” Her grip on the wheel shifted, but otherwise, Ellery showed no reaction.
“Um, she was…with someone else?” I braced myself for the inevitable reaction—shock, sadness, anger. Belatedly, I realized that I probably shouldn’t have broken the news while she was driving.
But there was nothing. I stole a glance. She wasn’t crying or gnashing her teeth or even frowning. “Yeah,” she said after a while. Ellery had a way of saying “Yeah.” The way she said it was always so full of surrender and acceptance. It always made me want to squeeze her. “I…we broke up.”
“What?” I cried. “When?”
She shrugged, her eyes still on the road. “I don’t know, it’s not like I memorize the dates of my breakups. Duh, Tulip.”
“Yesterday? A week ago?”
“Longer than that. Maybe last semester.”
“What? And you didn’t tell me?”
“Not much to tell.”
Never mind my heart, all of my organs were spinning. All this time, Ellery was single? Then a horrifying thought struck me. “Are you seeing someone else?”
“Nope.”
Phew.
“You’re gaping,” she said with a small smile.
I closed my mouth. Opened it again. “I can’t believe you never said anything.”
“Eh. I mean, there really isn’t much to say about it.”
“What happened? Sorry, you don’t have to tell me.” Tell meee!
“What usually happens to relationships, I don’t know. It wasn’t working out, Tulip.”
“Okay.” I had to physically fight my own face to keep the smile from taking over.
Oh my god. She was single. She’d been single for a while.
At least six months? Then the hateful voice again.
She’s been single this whole time and she never made a move on you.
She’s not into you. But for the first time, I slapped down the voice.
This whole time, I’d kept my feelings locked up because I thought she had a girlfriend.
I thought I didn’t have a chance with her because of it.
And now, I wasn’t going to let my dumb, self-sabotaging thoughts get in the way. I was going to tell her.
“Ellery—”
“Hey, so…I have something to tell you.”
“Yeah?” My heart was hammering so hard in my chest I thought it might actually crash its way out of there like the Kool-Aid Man. Oh god. This is it. She’s going to tell me that she has feelings for me, and then I’ll yell, Me too! and we’ll kiss, and…
“So…I’m not going to Irvine.”
It was so far off from what I was expecting that she might as well have said it in a foreign language.
“Tulip? Did you hear me?”
I snapped to attention. “Yeah. Where are you going?” For one incredibly stupid moment, I thought she was going to say Berkeley.
“Um, well. London.”
Again, my brain refused to comprehend the words, mangling them beyond recognition. “Which UC is that?” I said in a small voice.
“Tulip.” She reached out and squeezed my arm before putting her hand back on the wheel. “It’s not a UC. It’s in England.”
“What?”
“I got into London Metropolitan University. In England. And I accepted the offer.”
“But Irvine was your top choice.” My voice came from so far away.
“It was. But I think LMU will be better for me. They’re known for their writing program, and it’s England! I’ve never been, but where else to major in English lit but in England, right?”
I couldn’t bring myself to look at her, but I knew she was smiling, trying to lighten the moment. And for the first time since we became friends, I wasn’t going to let that happen. “You never even told me you applied there. I thought we were only applying to the UCs.”
“I’m sorry. I just—I applied on a whim, honestly. I never thought I’d actually get accepted.”
“We did our college apps together, and you never told me.”
“Tulip…”
“Just like you never told me you and Trish broke up.”
There it was, then. The anger, slicing through the deep and breaking through the surface, ugly and raw and hungry.
I fed it, slipping slivers of memories into its gaping, jagged-toothed mouth.
The two of us curled up on her futon bed, reading, napping.
Me counting her eyelashes and watching the way her chest moved as she slept.
Me carrying a small basket as Ellery harvested vegetables from her little garden.
Ellery chopping veggies up, me stirring, Ellery and I walking under the shifting skies, her arm around me for the barest of seconds, my hand catching her sleeve so she’d slow down, so I could catch up.
When it came to Ellery, I was forever playing catch-up.
Well, not anymore.
“Stop the car.”
“What?”
“Stop the car!” The words came out with so much vehemence that they shocked even me.
Ellery did as I said. She slowed to a stop and turned on her hazard lights. Then she turned to me. “Tulip, come on, let’s talk about this.”
“Okay. Let’s talk about it the way you’ve talked about everything else, which is to say, not at all.” I took off my seat belt and grabbed my bag.
“Tulip, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“Which part?” I glared at her, my fury out in full force, and she winced. “Because it turns out there’s a lot of stuff that you didn’t tell me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are we even friends?”
“Don’t be dumb, of course we are. You’re my best buddy.”
“Yeah, except friends tell each other things. Things like breaking up with a girlfriend or applying to a school on the other side of the fucking world!” I wrenched the door open and got out.
Ellery climbed out too, hurrying around the car and standing in front of me. I hated her height then, hated how it forced me to look up at her. “I’m sorry, I know I fucked up. I know I should’ve told you.”
A million questions fought for space in my mouth, but I swallowed them all.
I could feel the tears working their way out, and I didn’t want to let Ellery see me cry.
I didn’t want her to feel like she had to comfort me, not when it was obvious that our friendship meant nothing to her.
I wanted to hurt her as much as she had hurt me.
So I said, “It’s okay. I’m glad you’re not staying. ”
Ellery looked like I’d just taken a knife to her throat, but I wasn’t done with her yet.
I’d lived with Iris, I’d absorbed every cutting word, every slash she’d carved into my flesh.
I knew exactly how to hurt others. “I’m relieved, actually.
Because I think it’s weird how much time we spend together.
Why don’t you hang out with people your own age? ”
“Tulip, please.”
“Don’t ever call me again.” My voice nearly broke then, so I turned and started walking away.
What would’ve happened if she’d chased after me?
If she’d grabbed my arm and hugged me and refused to let go?
I don’t know, but I often think back to that moment, and every time I do, I play out a different scenario.
Ellery catches me. I fall into her arms. I tell her the truth, the all-consuming love I feel for her.
She tells me she feels the same. We kiss. We make it work, even across oceans.
But that didn’t happen. What actually happened was…nothing. She didn’t come after me. I kept walking.
And that was the last time I saw Ellery for many, many years.