Chapter Twenty-One
Twenty-One
Nico
I don’t know who was more shocked by JJ’s words, me or Brody the douchebag, but I kept my composure like I knew exactly what the fuck she was talking about as we moved from the table and left him in our dust... but not before I made sure he felt my full width and breadth as I towered over him and didn’t sidestep him, bumping him roughly with my shoulder.
“You fucked up, asshole,” I growled under my breath as we passed him. “Be man enough to own it.”
If looks could kill, I would’ve been a pile of smoldering ash on that bistro floor, but he let us go without a word, simply storming back to his table like the weasel he was.
Outside, we waited for the valet, and I watched JJ out of the corner of my eye as she stared up at the night sky, her cheeks pink, her face pensive. I wondered what she was thinking. How much of that was for show to poke at her ex? Probably all of it, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. My perfect night suddenly felt like a snake, coiled in my chest, hissing and warning me of danger.
We slid into my car when it arrived and I sped away from the curb, my hands tight on the wheel.
“You were just fucking with him, right?” Unable to hold them in any longer, the words tumbled from my mouth, and I held my breath, waiting for her response. Because here’s the thing. In the few minutes since she’d said what she said, I couldn’t get the image of her pregnant with my baby out of my brain. It wasn’t anything I ever knew I wanted, but now it was all I needed, and I felt like a crazy man. But our ground was shaky at best, and that kind of future felt like too much to hope for. More than I deserved. Still, I had to know. Call me a masochist.
I glanced over to her face, lost in the shadows of the night as we drove, and pushed on. “I mean, it’s not... you’re not... we’ve always used protection... right?”
Understanding filled her eyes as she shook her head. “I’m not pregnant.”
I nodded and focused on the road again. “Right. Okay.”
She must’ve sensed something in my tone because she reached over and pried one of my hands off the wheel and linked our fingers. “But I’d be okay with it if I was.”
My gaze zipped over to hers. “You would?”
Her smile was sweet as if she knew exactly what I was thinking. “Yes.” She squeezed my fingers and pressed a kiss to the tattoos on the back of my hand. “Honestly? I didn’t know how okay I’d be with it until I said it out loud,” she said, echoing my own thoughts.
I groaned softly as emotion flooded my body from every angle. This shit was honestly overwhelming, and I wasn’t accustomed to dealing with my emotions sober. I took a breath and tried to rein it in and remember the things Prissy had taught me, but all I could focus on was the pounding of my heart. “JJ,” I whispered, unable to say more.
She turned in her seat, her other hand coming to rest on my abs. “I shouldn’t have said it,” she said. “I did it to take a jab at him, but it wasn’t fair to you and I’m sorry, Nico.”
I glanced over. “Why would he care if you start a family with me?”
She swallowed, her expression pained. “Because... He wanted a big family. The whole barefoot and pregnant wife, stay-at-home mom thing, and not long before the wedding, I’d told him I wasn’t sure I’d want kids. I’m pretty sure that’s why he left me.” She lifted her hand and feathered her fingers through my hair. “But now? Now I realize I just didn’t want his children, and the tiny piece of me that’s still hurt by what he did needed him to know that. I needed him to see that I found someone worthy of me and that I would give them what I wouldn’t give to him.”
I kept my eyes on the road, not sure I could trust myself to speak. I wanted to fall into this—whatever this was—headfirst, but what we had was so ambiguous. We’d started as a business arrangement that had morphed into something more. Could I trust this? Trust our feelings? Trust that this wasn’t just overblown emotions grown out of our crazy circumstances and insane chemistry?
I slowed to exit toward home, her hand still tangled up in mine as she moved to nuzzle her face into my throat, her sweet scent filling my nostrils.
“Nico?” she whispered.
“Hmm?”
“I’m in love with you.”
The silence stretched between us like an expanding glass bubble as her words settled and filled my soul. I was afraid to believe, but I knew she wouldn’t offer them up lightly. That bubble stretched even thinner as heat filled my entire body, making me feel shaky and my vision go blurry. I knew it wasn’t so odd for a wife to love her husband, but we were unique, and I was broken. Not an easy man to love, definitely not worthy of her perfect love. I just wasn’t sure I was strong enough to do anything other than take it and suck her dry.
She lifted her head and I felt her questioning gaze on my profile just before her thumb traced my cheek. “Are you crying?”
Wait. Was I? I frowned, realizing the hot blur in my eyes were tears. Something I hadn’t let fall since I was a kid. I shook my head, denying the truth that was in front of both of us.
She reached up and kissed my face, taking some of those tears with her lips, before kissing my jaw and my throat. “Does my love make you sad?”
I shook my head again. “I just don’t deserve it.”
She didn’t bother arguing with me or asking me to say anything. She just let the emotion linger as I drove us home and parked in front of her place, killing the engine.
I turned to face her and studied her in the low light coming in from the moon.
“You don’t have to say it back to me,” she said before I could speak.
“I know that.” I reached over and cupped her jaw. “I’d give you the world if I could. Anything. Everything. You know that, right?”
She nodded, a soft smile on her lips. “I do. But I don’t want the world. I just want you. I just want my husband.”
We leaned in together, meeting in the middle in a kiss of love and longing, speaking something that our words could not. She let me know in her touch that she was sincere, that her love was as real as the breath in my lungs, and I loved her for it. I told her so in the touch of my fingers on her skin, the way my lips moved over hers. I’d told her once I was falling for her, but now, tonight, I couldn’t give her those three little words. Not yet. Instead, I led her inside and took her to bed, where I told her everything I had to say with my body, and she let me know in her soft gaze and even softer moans that she heard me.
I woke up alone and realized I’d slept late but the bed still smelled of JJ and our lovemaking. I rolled over to find a note in the indentation of her pillow. Smiling, I picked it up.
Hey Sexy Husband,
I was up early, so I went to run a few errands. I’ll be back by lunch so hopefully you’ll be awake. There’s juice in the fridge and stuff for bagels or cereal. Hope you don’t mind but I invited Stassia over for dinner... she’s chomping at the bit to hang out and still doesn’t trust you’re not an axe murderer. ;)
Thanks for last night—I’m sore and tingly all over but in all the best possible ways! (So glad I married a rock star!)
I love you.
JJ
Yeah, she probably was sore. We’d had a lot of sex and by quiet agreement had forgone the condoms. Best sex of my life. Bareback is one thing, doing it with your wife and the woman you love is a whole other universe. I honestly didn’t think I could ever go back.
I rolled out of bed and hit the shower before dressing and heading to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and found a pink sticky note on the OJ.
Good morning, sunshine! I love you!!!!!!
I laughed and poured myself a glass, wondering if I’d married a Care Bear. Seriously, though, I couldn’t get enough of her declarations of love. My dark, withered soul was coming alive the more she watered it, and I was starved for more.
Sipping, I wandered toward the windows and texted her.
Me: Love notes on juice? You spoil me.
JJ: Is that the only one you found?
Me: There’s more?
JJ: ;)
I grinned and glanced around the room, wondering where else she might’ve hidden notes for me. Twenty minutes later, I had half a dozen notes lined up on the kitchen table that I’d found all over the condo. In drawers, hidden in the closet, the bathroom, and even the dryer. She was crafty.
You’re the sexiest husband in the world!
JJ + Nico sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G...
Jemma Jane Santorini loves her husband!
Roses are red, violets are blue, candy is sweet, and Nico is too.
Will you do more dirty things to me???
And my personal favorite, on the lone yellow sticky note, lyrics from what had somehow become our song, “Yellow” by Coldplay.
For you, I’d bleed myself dry.
My eyes started to burn again as I stared down at the notes, particularly that last one, knowing I should’ve been the one to write it. That she had no business giving herself away for the likes of me. That I was already the one bleeding and that was how it should be.
I picked up my phone and texted her.
Me: For you, I’d bleed myself dry.
I gave her the words back, hoping she’d hear my heart in them.
JJ: Same.
She did. And that was enough for me.
Satisfied but weirdly unsettled, I grabbed a bagel and tried to call my mom since I hadn’t talked to her in a while. After the wedding, I’d called her every couple of days to make sure she knew everything was good, and I had a sneaking suspicion she knew my heart was getting invested. My mom was intuitive like that and I hadn’t bothered lying to her.
The phone didn’t ring and rolled straight to voicemail.
“Hey, Ma, it’s Nico. Just calling to check in with you and see how things are going. Call me back when you get a chance. Love you.” As soon as I hung up, I texted her the same message, my sixth sense churning. It was not like my mother to ignore my calls. No matter what she was doing, she always picked up for me.
Doubling down, I shot my brother, Angelo, a text too.
Me: Hey, bro, you heard from Ma today? Just tried calling and got no answer. Just checking. Hope everything is good.
Angelo: Saw the folks for dinner last weekend. Not since. Maybe she’s getting her hair done? I think she might’ve said something about that? All good here. Heard you got married and Ma said she’s a nice girl. Why is your little bro the last to know?
A pang hit me as I was flooded with memories of growing up. We weren’t as close as we used to be, but we used to be tight. Just me and Ang against the world, me sheltering my baby brother from the shit storm that was our home. I guess I did an okay job since he was making his way in the world no worse for wear.
Me: Sorry, bro. It was one of those quick things. I’ll make sure you meet her soon.
Angelo: Make sure I do. Congrats.
Me: Thanks.
Me: Let me know if you talk to Mom.
Angelo: Will do. Take care.
As the sun hit its high point in the sky, casting our living room in brightness, I heard the door open.
JJ walked in, her face flushed with excitement as she set several bags down by the door. “Close your eyes. I have a surprise for you,” she said, her voice trembling slightly with anticipation.
I did as she asked, a smile tugging at my lips. “Is this a sexy surprise?” After this morning, she had my curiosity piqued.
“You wish.” She laughed.
A moment later, something soft and warm was placed into my arms. “Okay, you can open now,” she whispered.
I opened my eyes to find a small, fluffy shih tzu looking up at me with big, round eyes and a yellow bow adorning her tiny head—a nod to our song. My heart swelled with emotion, and I looked at JJ, who was watching me with a tender smile.
“JJ...” I murmured, my voice thick with emotion, not sure what else to say.
Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “You said you wanted a lapdog.”
I nodded, knowing this was so much more than a dog. This was the start of a family. Something permanent.
With my heart a trembling mess in my throat, we moved to the couch and sat, the little dog curling between us on the cushions.
I ran my fingers through the silky hair between her ears. “It’s a girl?”
JJ nodded. “I saw her pop up on the shelter’s website and I knew she was perfect. She was surrendered by her elderly owner when they had to move. She’s four years old.”
Gratitude filled my chest. “She’s perfect.”
JJ rose and moved to the stereo system. A moment later, the opening chords of “Yellow” began to play, filling the room with its familiar melody. JJ took my hand, tugging me up, and we began to sway gently, the little shih tzu now comfortably nestled on the couch, watching us with sweet, curious eyes.
As we danced, I felt an overwhelming surge of love unlike anything I’d ever felt before. This was it—the beginning of something beautiful, something we had both longed for. Something I didn’t deserve but was too selfish to let go of. I held her tighter, feeling the warmth of her body against mine as Chris Martin serenaded us with our song.
After a while, she looked up at me, her fingers threaded through my hair. “What do you want to name her?”
I thought back to the notes JJ had left me that morning, filled with little reminders and sweet messages. The first one stood out in my memory.
Good morning, sunshine...
“Sunshine,” I said softly. “Let’s call her Sunshine.”
Her smile widened, and she nodded in agreement. “I like it.”
She left me to play with Sunshine while she dug out all the doggy supplies she’d brought inside with them—food, bowls, toys, and a bed. She set up the food and water in a corner of the kitchen, then stood staring at me with a content expression painted on her face.
“You don’t mind me inviting Stassia over, do you?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
I lifted Sunshine up to plant a kiss on her furry head. “Does she love dogs?”
JJ laughed. “She grew up in a house full of them.”
“Okay then.” I grabbed her hand when she walked by to get her cell phone. She stopped and glanced down at me in question. “Thank you for this. I’ve never had anyone do anything so sweet for me and I...” My words fell away as emotion choked me, but she seemed to get it.
She squeezed my fingers. “You’re welcome.”
Other than both of us making a few phone calls for work stuff, we spent the rest of the afternoon lounging around and getting to know our newest family member. It only took Sunshine a little while to get used to her new home and to start sniffing around and showing her spunky personality. I loved her already... especially when she curled up in my lap for a nap.
JJ chuckled. “Guess she claimed her person.”
“You got her for me, didn’t you?”
“Well, yeah, but still. It would’ve been nice to know I gave you a run for your money. I did save her from the shelter, after all.”
I shrugged, absently running my fingers through the dog’s silky hair. “What can I say? I’ve always had a way with the ladies.”
She threw a pillow at my head, making sure it avoided the dog.
“Hey!” I said, feigning insult. “It’s not my fault!”
“Yeah, okay, Romeo.” She stood to head to the kitchen. “Just remember you’re married now. No more ladies for you other than the two in this house.”
My heart and gut clenched in automatic response to her words. Yes, I knew I was married. Of course I knew that. And I had zero intention of cheating. Hell, I had no interest in any other woman when I was married to the hottest smoke show on the planet. More than that, though, this love thing? Wanting and being wanted, to the core of your being? It was heady fucking stuff.
Her steps faltered and she slowly spun back to face me. In her expression, I saw reflected back every trauma trigger I’d ever had flaring to life, and I knew she was actually worried. In real time, I was seeing the questions flying through her eyes... Was she about to be burned by a man again? Had she misread things between us? Was she expecting too much?
Hell. No.
I couldn’t let her go on like that.
I gently picked up Sunshine and placed her on the couch, then stood, moving her way, careful to keep my expression neutral.
I reached for JJ, spearing my fingers through her hair, cupping her jaw and forcing our gazes to lock. “Don’t.” My voice was a gritty demand. “I see you getting in your head. Don’t do that. I’m not him and I’m not leaving you.” I tugged her into my embrace, wrapping my other arm around her, locking her in. “I don’t think I could ever leave you, Jemma.”
She whimpered in response, wilting into me as our lips clashed in a desperate kiss, all teeth and tongue and fierce passion as if we were tasting each other for the first time. How could it be like this after all we’d shared? I’d never understand, but I never wanted to be without it... that’s what made it so scary. This need for her.
Moments later, when we drew apart, our breath ragged, she clutched my waist and asked what was on her mind. “If you feel that way, then why did you have that look on your face when I said no more women?”
I ran my thumb over her bottom lip, taking a moment to find my words. “It’s not what you’re thinking.”
“What is it, then?”
“My past... my reputation as a ladies’ man has always been a thing. The way people looked at me. It wasn’t something I was proud of, it was just part of the lifestyle, you know? And those women didn’t care about me any more than I cared about them. It was shallow. Empty.” I took a deep, fortifying breath as the truth of these words crashed over me. “None of them ever knew me, much less claimed me. Until now. Until you. And this. Is. Everything.”
She stared back at me with tears in her eyes like she was afraid to believe me.
“That’s why I’m taking my time. I want to give those three words back to you, baby. I do. But I also don’t want to ruin the absolute best fucking thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t think I would survive that. You hear me?”
“Nico,” she cried as she collapsed into my arms. “I love you so much.”
My chuckle was pained against her shoulder as I tugged her even closer. “Yeah. I know, baby.”