Chapter 61
CHAPTER
THAD
I’m going to die tomorrow.
A pervasive sense of calm accompanied that thought. Each minute marched on, counting down toward one inevitable conclusion: death.
The writing was on the Wall.
Did the inevitability of death trigger the calm?
I wondered. Did everyone staring down the barrel of a gun feel peace in that moment?
Or did the surreal calm stem from acceptance of one’s fate?
I’d finally given up trying to control something I couldn’t.
My fate was out of my hands, and giving up had never felt so good.
Tucked tight to my side, Charley fit perfectly, like a natural extension of me. I studied her profile, etching it in my memory. Eyes closed, lashes dark, one hand hiding under her cheek; the other resting gently on my chest.
I knew she was finally asleep. She’d faked it for a while; we both had. Words were too painful. We’d said good-bye over and over, and at this point, there was nothing left to say. The reality sucked; it was what it was. The truth was ugly. Like Nil.
I have one noon.
One shot.
One last roll of the dice.
It was the ultimate Nil game. For 365 days, we took our chances, racing toward noon, standing in open Nil air, hoping for lightning to strike. Some were lucky, like Natalie and Kevin. Others rolled the dice over and over, but never won, like Ramia and Li. And some, like Rory, barely got to play.
And then there was today. The inbound had dropped a bear bomb, screwing up my roll and changing the game. Changing the moment and ruining my chance.
Maybe my last chance.
Definitely my best chance.
Our fates were left to chance, but it was Nil who ran the tables. Even with Charley’s charts, the deck was stacked in Nil’s favor. It was her show, her rules. One gate. One person. One noon. One year.
And like I’d known since Day One, her rules sucked.
But for the first time, I finally understood them. Today’s message was loud and clear.
I held Charley against me, knowing that tomorrow I’d go all in.
I’d step up, and with everything I had on the table, I’d roll the noon dice one last time.
And this time, I’d be ready. Ready to run, ready to die.
Whatever hand Nil dealt, I was braced to face it on my terms. All I hoped for now was the chance to win.
Focus the breath, focus the mind. This time—for the first time—my coach’s new-age breathing tip worked. My mind was clear.
Because this time I focused on Charley’s breathing, not mine.
Breathe.