Chapter 50 Paper Trail
paper trail
DUKE
Roxanne doesn’t bring up what I said the night of the barn dance again, and I decide to let it lie until we get closer to her departure date.
With only a few days left, Allie and Leo have stopped filming.
Leo has taken over part of the library in order to get a jump start on some post-production editing.
Allie is spending every waking moment with Topper, and I can’t wait to razz him about having to pick up the slack with his missed chores. Roxanne is back to writing late at night in the library, and I’m there to come down, rub her shoulders, and carry her up to bed.
I thought we were settling into our life nicely until that morning that would change the trajectory of my life forever.
Jameson wakes me up before the sun by licking my cheek.
I blink the sleep from my eyes, roll over, and notice that the bed is empty beside me.
Roxanne sometimes gets up when she thinks of something and goes downstairs to write it out before she loses her thought, so that’s probably all it is.
Since Topper agreed to take over the rounds this morning, I fall back asleep, knowing that Roxanne will return to my side.
The sun streaming through the curtains wakes me up again around eight, and when I reach for Roxanne, she’s still not there.
Her usual spot is cold, which tells me that she never came back to bed.
I truly hope she didn’t fall asleep in the library again, but I trudge downstairs, calling her name as I go. The strange thing is, the sharp smell of coffee is already wafting out of the kitchen. She really must not have been able to sleep if she got up before me.
When I enter the kitchen, I freeze. It’s not Roxanne, it’s Topper, Allie, and Rusty sitting around my dining room table. Jameson stomps on his food bowl, but the clanging sound is nothing compared to the thumps my heart is making in my ears.
“Hey, Duke,” Topper says, rising to his feet.
“What …” I start, trying to read their expressions. “What’s going on? Where’s Roxanne?”
Topper and Allie exchange glances, and she sucks in a long breath before she answers. “I’m so sorry.”
Now they’re scaring me. “Allie? What happened? Is Roxanne—”
“She’s fine,” Allie says. “She … her and Leo left—”
“Left? Where?”
“They’ve gone back to New York early, son,” Rusty says.
The words don’t make sense at first. They just hang there, heavy and wrong. Topper rushes to my side to keep me steady as my legs feel like they’ve evaporated.
Not again. Not fucking again.
Questions blow into my mind like popcorn over hot oil. Was it my nightmares? Did I push too soon? How could she say okay and then leave without saying goodbye?
“Sit down,” Topper says as he tries to help me into a chair. I don’t mean to be an ass to him, but I push him away. I shake my head, not willing to believe any of this is real.
“If it means anything, Roxanne was crushed, she loves y—” Allie says.
“Don’t!” I point my finger at her. “Don’t do that. If she loved me, she would be here telling me why the hell she wants to fucking leave two days early in the middle of the night.”
“She did tell you,” Rusty says, glancing at Allie.
Allie hands me an envelope with shaking hands.
“What is this?” I ask. “Some bullshit explanation as to why she said she loved me and still left?”
Allie’s bewildered expression shifts. “Excuse me. She was dying when she wrote that. If you’d read it, you would understand the absolute gut-wrenching choice she made. And for the record, she loves this ranch as much as she loves you, and now she’s in New York getting ready to fight for it.”
I exhale slowly, my thumbs brushing over the note.
“Go in the library and read it,” Rusty says.
Jameson follows me and sits down under the desk like he used to do with Roxanne.
I flatten my lips and do what he says, though seeing the library empty is the biggest kick in the teeth there is.
Her laptop is gone, but her perfume still lingers in the air.
My fingers are trembling as I start to open the envelope.
I’m not really sure I can handle what it says.
When I unfold the handwritten letter, I’m already dying inside, and I haven’t even gotten through the first two sentences.
Duke,
I’m not going to get through this without sobbing, so I’ll get right to it. And no, I’m not strong enough to say this to your beautiful face.
I love you.
That’s the first thing. Well … it’s many things.
In your arms, I finally understood the difference between being wanted and being cherished. You loved me like I was something sacred, and for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and whole the instant you touched me.
This summer saved me, Duke. I came here broken, skeptical that nature walks and horse therapy could heal anyone, least of all me, but I was wrong.
I need you to know this has nothing to do with your nightmares, your PTSD, or any part of your darkness. I would gladly hold you through a thousand sleepless nights if it meant we could have forever. You don’t scare me, Duke Faraday. You never have.
I’m leaving early because I love you too much to be selfish. I was ready to beg you to come with me, to see if you might try living in New York. But then I watched you at the barn dance, helping an older vet in and out of his wheelchair and comforting another who barely spoke during dinner.
I started adding up all the good I’ve seen you do this summer. It’s worth more than what my heart wants for itself. I’ve seen how every person on this ranch becomes a little more whole because you refuse to let anyone give up. You don’t run Firebird, you are Firebird.
I’m one person, Duke. One person who fell impossibly in love with a man who belongs to something so much bigger than me … than us. I have no right to ask you to leave that behind. I have no right to take you away from the people who need you.
The last couple of weeks, I’ve been asking myself if I could make Colorado my home again.
The truth is, I’ve fought too hard to get my life back, my career back, my sense of self back.
I know you understand that, because you’d never abandon your calling for mine either.
We’re the same that way, we both love what we do.
And maybe that’s why we love each other so much.
Please don’t come after me. Please don’t sacrifice everything you’ve built for someone like me. I know what I have to do now. I need to win this contest to help save Firebird. I want you to keep fighting for those who need help finding their way.
Thank you for showing me what it feels like to come home, even if I’m not ready to stay there yet.
All my love, always,
Roxanne
PS - I’ll be listening to “Faithfully” and thinking of you dancing under those fairy lights. Some moments are too perfect to ever really end.
PSS. I’m ugly crying so hard right now I can barely see.
PSSS. Confession: I don’t love you as much as Jameson. My heart will forever belong to him.
I set the letter down like it’s the most fragile thing in the world.
My mind is spinning because my heart feels like something is squeezing it and yet …
I’ve never been loved like this. This woman had the audacity to call me on my shit all summer, take care of me when I needed it, and then sacrifice her own want by leaving me behind.
It’s confusing, heart-kicking and yeah, pretty damn mind-blowing.
I lean back in the chair when my eye catches another piece of paper sticking out of the desk drawer. When I pull it open, I find another envelope. My stomach clenches when I peek inside and find every Post-it Note I’ve ever left Roxanne. True to form, she’s dated them and put them in order.
She could’ve tossed them in the trash, but she saved and cataloged every one. The realization strikes hard—I don’t know whether to laugh or break apart. I thumb through each note, every stupid little drawing that somehow meant something to her.
There’s a tap at the doorway.
“How you doing, son?” Rusty asks, his voice low and gentle.
I shrug setting the notes down. “Honestly, I don’t know.”
Rusty takes a sip from the mug in his hand. “I think you do know. I think what you really have to ask yourself is … can you move to New York?”