31. Jeff
JEFF
M y goddamn left arm hurt and I made a couple of arm circles, stretching it for a full minute and trying not to wince. My game had never been better, but my muscles and mindset could use some work. Stop thinking about her.
“Maddow, my man, you are the definition of beastmode,” Brandon said, clapping his hand on my back and speaking way too loudly. “Throwing out two runners and almost hitting a cycle…dude.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled, wishing I was back home in my bed away from everyone.
We’d won our first game and I’d played great—yet celebrating with the team was the last thing I wanted to do.
They would want to talk about it , the article, and ask questions.
It had been a full week and the buzz remained.
Losing a dean and an assistant coach was a huge deal, and other coaches from other teams getting suspended while a real investigation took place was huge fucking news.
Our school name had appeared in the news no less than a million times in the past seven days and because of her article, that meant people were talking about Amber—something I was not ready to do.
“You heading out with the rest of the guys tonight?” Brandon asked, and I had to force myself not to snap at him. He was too young to go to bars, but I wasn’t a total asshole to crush his bubble.
“Nah, I’ll head home.” I shouldered my bag, walking by him and whatever question he was about to ask. All the goddamn questions were driving me crazy. How did you figure it out? What undercover work did you do? How did Amber do it? What was it like? Were you scared? Was she?
It was enough to drive anyone crazy. With the intention to drink alone and zone out, I’d started the walk to my car when my coach barked my name.
Things had been tense between us since that showdown in his office.
On the field, I showed every ounce of respect and would follow him to the end of time, but once the game ended, a switch went off inside of me and resentment bubbled up to the point I couldn’t talk to him.
“Yes?” I asked, not facing him but at least stopping my pace.
“Let’s chat.”
I sighed and prepared myself for some check-in.
How are you doing? Are you okay? The guys at the house had asked me at least twice a day since it all happened and while I appreciated their concern for me, it was just another thing that irritated me.
Zade nodded at me with an encouraging smile when I passed him on the way to Coach’s office and I tried to return it, but it was forced.
Everything had been forced the past week and I couldn’t get the feeling to go away.
No matter what happened, I was in a shit mood and everything I tried made it worse or remained the same.
“What’s this about?” I asked when he indicated the chair for me to sit down. He shut the door and took his time moving behind his desk. When he joined me, he crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his eyes at me with almost a scowl on his face. “What?”
“You about done?” he barked out a laugh and shook his head in disappointment. “You’ve been pouting around here all week. Say whatever you need to get off your chest, right now. Don’t hold anything back.”
I gritted my teeth. “I haven’t been pouting.”
“Good comeback.” He pulled up the article on his computer and moved the screen to face me. “Have you even read it yet? Seen how much this blew up and how good of a job Amber did?”
I shook my head and adjusted my jaw so my neck didn’t start hurting. “I don’t need to read it. I helped get that information.”
“You pissed your name isn’t in the byline?”
“What? No.” I scoffed at his question and eyed the clock. If I could get out of here within an hour, I could have a beer by eight.
“Jeff,” he snapped and used a tone I’d only heard used on players messing around.
“What is it that you are so goddamn mad about? You pissed at me for not telling you I knew you were poking around? You mad that Amber came up with the idea that I supported to fake the drug test? You’ve been an unpleasant shit since last week and I’m tired of it. ”
“You and Amber lied to me.”
“That’s it, then?” He nodded to himself a couple of times and whistled. “Why don’t you ask me what happened that day we cornered her?”
“Why?”
“Ask me.”
My skin started to itch with irritation and I obliged, just to get the fuck out of there. “What happened then?”
“We ambushed her, Jeff. I pulled her into a room and she held her ground. Not once did she back down from what she was doing and she refused to give us any information. We went back and forth for a good while and she stood strong against us, protecting you from being involved. Sanders and I had no idea how detailed the entire thing went until we cracked her.” He stopped and motioned with his hand. “Ask me how we cracked her.”
“How?” I tried to act indifferent, but a little spark lit up. I desperately wanted to know how they’d gotten her to talk.
“We threatened you. She didn’t know if we were involved or not but as soon as we said your name, she changed from being an aggressive journalist to one more amenable to working with us.” He let me digest the words before he asked, “Now why do you think she’d do that?”
Laney’s words repeated in my head from the last time I’d seen Amber.
‘ You can’t fall for a guy who doesn’t understand you’d do anything for the people you love.
’ The vision of her crying had almost broken me, but I’d compartmentalized it and stopped myself from thinking about it too long.
But now…it came rushing back with an overwhelming force and my heartbeat sped at the insinuation of my coach’s words. “For me.”
“Yeah, dumbass.” He chuckled at his own insult and the first sign of a smile broke out on my face.
“After that, the truth came out and she helped come up with the plan to fake a failed drug test until we could find the paper trail. I was na?ve and only thought this was happening with baseball until her and Sanders confirmed it was more. Now, with the threat of something happening to you, Amber made the decision to not tell you and I think that was the right move. As your coach, I hated lying to you but I’m at the liberty to do anything to protect my team and my family.
You are a part of that, Jeff, and I understand you’re pissed, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat. ”
“That’s what Amber said.”
“I imagine she did.” He leaned back into his chair. “Well? You done pouting?”
Am I? Does Amber really…love me? Could she still…? Do I love her? I sighed and almost felt the possibility of things going back to normal spark a little hope. My muscles started to relax and a different kind of worry took over. “Do you think I blew it with her?”
“I think you behaved like an idiot who could apologize a hell of a lot. But no, the way she defended you, kid, I don’t think you blew it.”
I stood up and held out my hand, emotion clogging my voice. “Thank you, Coach. There are not enough words to tell you the kind of mentor you are to all of us. I’m sorry for pouting for a week and I’m grateful you knocked my ass out of it.”
“Baseball is family.” He took my hand and gave it a hard shake. “I’m almost ready to forgive you for the fact you actually thought I had something to do with this entire thing.”
Color left my face and I stumbled for words. But he laughed and said, “I’m messing with you. Get out of here, go talk to Amber and try and enjoy your senior season.”
“Yes, sir.”
My breathing came out heavier, as if I’d sprinted around the bases, as I walked to my car. Is this why I’m acting like an idiot? Amber? Is this a fucking heartbreak?
Yes.
I knew the answer but had avoided thinking about it all week because it hurt. She was the first person I thought about when I woke up, and anytime something happened, whether it was funny or stupid, I wanted to tell her. I missed her smile and sleeping next to her… Fuck.
I had to talk to her. Before starting the car, I typed out ten different messages to send her first but stopped.
She might not respond or want to respond and I didn’t want to chance it.
Instead, I sped toward her place, parked and made my way to her house.
It was dark out for a spring evening, but the weather had finally warmed up enough to not freeze to death.
It didn’t matter now though—sweat dripped down my back as my nerves grew.
I didn’t know what to say and didn’t think about it until I knocked on the door.
Amber answered and looked so goddamn beautiful in a simple off-the-shoulder black sweater and jeans.
Emotions rushed through my body—the need to hold her, protect her, promise her I’d never be an idiot again—but none of that came out in words.
“I miss you,” I said, trying to gauge her reaction to seeing me.
She looked sad, but not the same way I felt inside.
It was like a little of the light had left her eyes and I hated knowing I had a part in that.
“I’m fucking sorry and I hope you can forgive me and I want to hold you, sleep next to you again, tell you all the dumb shit that happens all the time, talk about the future with you, and?—”
“Jeff,” she interrupted and I swore a small smile played on her lips. “Do you want to come inside?”
“Yes. Yes please. I do.”
Like I had done many times before, I walked past her and was struck by how much I loved how she smelled. It was a mixture of comfort and enticement and I put my hands in my pockets to prevent myself from hugging the shit out of her. “Uh, should I stay in the living room or?—?”
“We can talk upstairs.” Her tone sounded happy and I took that as a good sign. We went up the stairs and into her room, where she sat on the edge of her bed and left me to stand in front of her, pacing and trying to find the right words.