Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
Saylor
M y emotions are a mess. It’s strange to have Leo and Shaw so physically close. I missed them so badly, it’s almost embarrassing. A huge part of me just wants to take the win. They may have disappeared, but they’re here now, and that means something…
Right?
On the other hand, no matter how hard I try to force away the feelings of hurt and betrayal, they keep popping up. Even smelling Leo’s scent in the bed I shared with Valor and Omen feels wrong, but it also blends together with their smells in a way my system is obsessed with.
Omen repeatedly asked if I would be okay with Leo and Shaw, and I assured him I would be. And physically, I’m completely safe with them. It’s the emotional aspects of seeing them that have me a total wreck.
Omen also made sure to tell me not to feel guilty and to let them take care of me if it came down to it…but he also doesn’t know about our history or why things are so complicated.
That beta is more in tune with my needs than any alpha I’ve ever been around. It’s confusing, but also endearing, and I just really miss him. Even as worried as he was about Valor, he still had the presence of mind to set me at ease. He made sure I knew they wouldn’t want me to suffer if I had a heat spike while they were locked away.
I need them both back with me.
Tears leak from my eyes, and I feel ridiculous.
I’m safe here in their cell. It’s the unknown of worrying if they’re okay that’s driving me crazy. I wish they wouldn’t have released us from lockdown. I wouldn’t know Leo and Shaw are here, but if the day had gone differently, maybe Valor wouldn’t have blacked out.
And on top of all of that, my system seems to think everything could be cured by being trapped in the middle of a hug, with Leo on one side and Shaw on the other.
A big part of me is in disbelief that they were willing to get themselves locked in this awful facility in order to save me. There are no words to explain how much I appreciate it, but it also doesn’t erase three years’ worth of hurt feelings.
I’m still confused how we’re supposed to get out of the facility without bonding, but I know them well enough to understand they have a plan. It’s just a matter of when they’re ready to share what that plan is.
Bonding would probably be a lot safer than breaking out.
The pathetic part of me that was half in love with them when I was seventeen lights up at the thought. It’s so out of left field that I almost laugh. They wouldn’t have let themselves be trapped in here without a plan. It’s likely they were able to buy the assistance of the guy who works here. That, or they have another team waiting to break us out.
Whatever their plan is, I’m down for it.
I just need to make sure they can’t leave Omen and Valor behind. I have no trouble imagining Leo and Shaw dragging me out of here kicking and screaming if their plan comes together while Omen and Valor are still locked away in solitary.
My head shakes like I can physically force away those terrible thoughts.
No.
There’s no way.
I would never forgive them.
The thought sends me back into the spiral of worrying about Omen and Valor, and no matter how hard I try to self-regulate my emotions, none of it helps. Leo was able to momentarily put my panic attack on hold earlier, but it’s back with a vengeance, and the impending sense of doom makes me feel like I’m going to die.
* * *
“I’m going for a walk,” Leo growls, clearly speaking to Shaw. “I can’t handle much more of the crying, or I’m going to climb out of my fucking skin.”
“Yeah,” Shaw agrees. “Maybe check the cafeteria to see when we can expect dinner.”
I frown, wiping my aching eyes.
Both of them have tried to come into the loft to offer me comfort, but it feels wrong .
No matter what Omen said, this is Valor’s personal space, and it doesn’t feel right to let other alphas into it while he’s God knows where…probably suffering.
Guilt bubbles in my stomach because I don’t want to torture Leo or Shaw, but I’m sad and scared. It makes me feel even worse that I can’t seem to calm down, no matter how hard I focus.
Maybe I’m having the emotional breakdown that I put off when I woke up in this place? Everything feels so unsettled, and the more I try to talk myself out of panicking, the more the tears fall.
“I’m going for a walk, pretty girl,” Leo says from across the room. “But I will be back. You’ll be safe here with Shaw.”
The door opens and closes, and the sound of booted feet approaches Valor’s loft. Jostling comes from behind me, and I frown as the pillows are pulled away from my back. From the sounds of it, they land across the room, possibly on that couch the guys dragged in earlier.
I snuggle deeper into the pillow under my head but squeak when Shaw’s forearms slide between me and the mattress. He tugs and pulls me right off the edge of the bed, blanket and all.
“What are you doing?” I gasp, rolling into his chest.
“Fuck if I know,” he mutters, toting me over to the couch. It’s pretty basic, reminding me of the ones you see in hospitals back in the US.
Shaw sits down next to the pillows he tossed across the room. Once he’s settled, he brings me to rest over his lap, which is a whole process.
We have a brief tug-of-war over my blanket, but he’s stupidly strong, and of course he wins.
I frown, swipe the leftover tears from my eyes, and cross my arms over my chest. It’s freezing in here, and Valor’s plain white T-shirt doesn’t do shit to hide my hard nipples.
“You’ve mastered the mean mug in the last couple of years.” He chuckles, wrapping the blanket around my shoulders. “Not that I don’t get why, but it’s breaking my heart.” His forearm comes to rest in the indent above my ass, and his hand plasters to my hip, bringing me closer to his front. “I missed the hell out of you.”
I shoot him a dubious look but get distracted when he ducks his head, marking my cheeks with his scent one by one. It’s an intimate move shared between alphas and omegas meant to transfer pheromones directly onto the other’s skin.
My teeth dig into my lip as I stare up at his bright blue eyes. His blond hair is buzzed close on the sides and a little longer on top. He’s always alternated between a short beard and stubble, but both styles work for him in a way that’s hard to explain.
Shaw looks like the quarterback next door or maybe the cowboy you spend a night with when the rodeo comes through town. He’s covered in tattoos and has a medium build and lithe muscles. He somehow manages to pull off that all-American vibe effortlessly. Add in the slightly southern accent that only really shines through on certain words, and I’m sure he’s melted the panties right off a fair number of women.
He was my first crush, and it turned into a kind of silent obsession.
Leo came next, but he’s always been more of a calming presence. My feelings for Leo were sneakier, and I didn’t realize what was happening until I was already half in love with him.
They’ve always been so different while also being part of a package deal, at least in my mind. Where Leo was soothing, and spending time with him never seemed to drain my social battery, Shaw was always antagonizing me into acting. And it wasn’t a bad thing. Back then, I thought it was just part of his naturally flirtatious personality.
Whenever I was lonely or having a bad day, he’d tell me to get up and stop feeling sorry for myself. Then he would take me for ice cream or out to see a movie. I’d pretend to hate how he wouldn’t take no for an answer, but in reality, I was lonely, and him forcing me out of the house was a good thing.
There were times my dad would miss an award ceremony or something like the volleyball regional, and Shaw would push me to stand up for myself. How is he supposed to know you’re hurt if you never tell him? He needs to know you’re pissed that he doesn’t make time for you .
God, I was so frustrated with him every time he said something like that because it felt like he didn’t get it. I already got so little love and attention that making my father angry felt like a great way to lose the scraps I got.
Looking back on those conversations now, it wasn’t bad advice.
No matter if my family showed up or not, he and Leo were always in the crowd. Shaw would cheer louder than all the other families. At the time, it embarrassed the hell out of me, but the first time they weren’t there, I really missed it.
A big part of me assumed they would show up at my high school graduation. The thought brings the aching in my chest back with full force, and I look away.
“Can you just deck me already?” Shaw’s hand lands on my jaw, and his thumb stretches over my chin. He tilts my face back to his, and his brow furrows as he studies my face. “Scream in my face and get it out. Do you want to kick me in the balls? Whatever you need to do, just do it. I’ll take any of it over you refusing to look at me.”
I scoff, trying to twist my face out of his grip. “You don’t want to hear what I think about you.” I smack his forearm, but he still doesn’t release me.
“I can handle it.” His fingers dig into my skull right where it meets the top of my spine. “I’ll gladly fucking handle it. You bottle everything up. You always have. You can be pissed as shit, and rather than saying that, you hold it in. Is it because you want to be agreeable? Or do you think the only way anyone could ever love you is if you’re as low maintenance as possible?”
My hands land against his shoulders, shoving with all my might as I try to climb off of his lap. “You’re an asshole.”
His forearm holds me in place, shoving me back down. “That’s a good start, but keep going. I promise we’ll both feel better if you get it off your chest.”
“I hate it when you do that.” I jab a finger at his chest. “You goad and push until I snap.”
“And why do you think that is, Saylor?” He quirks an eyebrow. “Leo? You’ll sit and talk to him about anything. Open up and tell him all about your day and how you’re feeling, but I ask the same question, and what do I get? Shrugs and a whole lot of, I don’t know . Or even worse, silence.”
My head tilts.
I’ve always been sensitive to his emotions, even before I presented. It was just a lot less noticeable back then. Or rather, I really had to focus to pick up on it.
He’s hurt.
I have no idea what I could have done to hurt his feelings, but I’m sure I’m right. The emotion radiates in my chest and stomach, and it’s impossible to confuse it with anything else.
“Are you trying to pick a fight because I hurt your feelings?” I ask, wishing it was easier for me to understand human motivations.
Having a dual diagnosis of ADHD and autism makes everything more complicated because, depending on the day, my symptoms can be in opposition to one another.
At other times, I live in that weird oval of overlap on the diagram with ADHD on one side and autism on the other. AuDHD is in the middle where the conditions overlap and form a whole new set of symptoms or behaviors. And that’s where I often feel the most accurate representation.
I have sensory issues, poor executive functioning, emotional regulation issues, and difficulty expressing my thoughts, especially when I’m overly anxious or depressed. But more than anything, I wish I was better at picking up social cues.
Maybe then I would understand what’s happening or why Shaw’s head shakes and his eyes shimmer as his jaw clenches.
It gets hard to breathe, but it doesn’t feel like it’s my emotions I’m experiencing.
I plant my hand on his chest and rub over his heart. “Are you okay?”
“Not really,” he scoffs. “I’m fucking this all up. I’m sorry.”
“Is the apology for trying to pick a fight?” I ask and grimace when he barks a laugh.
“Fucking hell, princess. I missed you so goddamn much.” His forearm tightens on my lower back, and he pulls me flush with his front like I was before I tried to escape his lap. “I spent the last three years daydreaming how it would go if I saw you again…” His fingers wrap in my hair at the base of my skull while his hand on my hip holds me in place like he’s afraid I’m going to run. “Tell me what I can do to make you stop hating me.” His heartbeat pounds under my hand as I stare up at him in confusion. I might be sitting on his lap, but he’s a hell of a lot taller than I am.
“I don’t hate you.” I give up holding myself up and settle my weight against his thighs. “I’m hurt. I want answers about what happened the night I presented.”
“Ask me anything.”
“Why did you fire me?” I ask, giving him the same opportunity to explain that I gave Leo.
“It was never about not wanting to work with you.” His jaw clenches, and his chest rises and falls rapidly as his smoky campfire scent unfurls around us. “If I didn’t step away then, I never would have. Your perfume was so thick…it made me forget things— important fucking things . You wiggled around my lap, begging me to take the pain away, and I couldn’t. None of us ever should have been in that situation in the first place.”
“The law of consent includes an exception for omegas presenting before eighteen?—”
“That doesn’t make the law morally right,” he says, shaking his head. “Every ember of my being rioted at listening to you suffer. The haze was right there, whispering that I could take your pain away, but the thing is, if I had given in, I wouldn’t have been worthy of you to begin with.”
It feels like my heart might beat right out of my chest.
I don’t remember any of that.
When I think really hard about that night, I get flashes of his face and little hits of his scent, but nothing concrete.
“I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t get why you couldn’t come back to work afterward.” My fingers tease over the soft material of the T-shirt he’s wearing. “They put me on suppressants.”
“I’m sure you and Leo had this same talk. Only, he probably managed to put it way more eloquently than I ever could.”
“We did talk, and he said a lot of the same things you are, but I want to hear it from you.”
“You wouldn’t have been safe from me,” he says, his words sounding like a dangerous promise. “I’ve always known I’ve got some pretty fucked-up morals—I don’t lose any sleep taking out the trash of the world—but there are some things I never thought would be an issue. You have no clue how much I hate myself—” He curses under his breath. “We were too compatible.” His fingers tighten in my hair, and he gently forces my head back until our eyes meet. “We still are, only you’re an adult now. You’ve had time to live away from the two of us, to grow into your own, and I’m not going to disappear again.” He pulls my face close to his and bends, barely brushing his lips over mine.
It’s not even a real kiss.
It’s a tease of touch that makes me yearn to melt into him. At least, that’s what my instincts want.
My brain is a hell of a lot more confused.
He and Leo have said the perfect things. Things I’ve waited three years to hear, and a huge piece of me wants to believe them. It’s just my pragmatic side that says trusting them could blow up in my face because it would hurt twice as badly if they disappeared all over again.
Shaw nuzzles his cheek to mine and gets close to my ear. “Really think about it, princess. Would we have volunteered to get ourselves put in here if we weren’t serious? You don’t have to believe me yet. You’ll see. Even once we escape this place, I’m never letting you out of my sight. I’ll follow you around, protect you with my life, and slowly earn back your trust.”
A violent shiver racks through my body as his warm breath fans over my neck.
I have no idea when my hands fell to his shoulders, but I appear to be holding on to him for dear life.
All of that does sound lovely, but I’m no longer a solo omega. I come with one very stubborn alpha and his slightly deranged but loveable beta, and I have no idea how Leo and Shaw are going to take that news when they find out I’m serious.
The promise I made to Omen sits heavy in my chest. I told him I wouldn’t abandon him and Valor, and I intend to keep my word.
“I guess we’ll see, huh?” I say, faking the same confidence I mustered that first day when Omen tried to tell me Valor wouldn’t give me the time of day. “I won’t be leaving the facility alone?—”
The door to the cell opens, and Leo saunters inside. He spots me on Shaw’s lap and grins. “You look better. I mean, you’re not crying anymore. How are you feeling? They’re serving dinner if you’re hungry.” He rolls his lips together and aims a thumb toward the door behind him.
I almost laugh.
I’ve never heard Leo ramble or look so unsure of himself.
My stomach isn’t interested in food in the least, but I haven’t eaten all day. I’d also like to find a way to sneakily ask some of the other omegas about how they came to be here.
I nod. “Yeah, let’s check out the cafeteria.”