35. Chapter 35
Chapter 35
Lilly
I f I did what I needed to do, why did I feel so rotten? I walked to the girls’ playhouse, sat on the bench next to it, leaned my elbows on my knees, and covered my face with my hands.
“Jamison just left.” Rose sat next to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. “I guess you held strong about needing time.”
I nodded, and tears flowed from my eyes. “I want to be happy, Rosie. I deserve to be happy.”
“Yeah, you do. But if you feel like you need time, then you deserve to take it.”
She was right, as usual. It was comforting to know that even though so many things had changed while I was gone, Rose was still the same focused and thoughtful person she had always been.
I sat up and wiped away my tears. “Jamison told me he loved me.” I bit my lip and turned toward her.
“Wow,” she responded. “That’s huge. What did you say?”
I shrugged. “What could I say? It’s what I’ve always wanted to hear, but I told him I needed time to figure out what I was going to do.”
She grasped my hand. “And?”
“He said he’s waited this long. He can wait a little longer.” My heart fluttered. Jamison was willing to wait for me. How did this happen? I stared across the yard.
“Well, I guess you need to figure out what you want to do. You mentioned going back to school to finish your degree and become a nurse. Maybe you should.”
“I know, and I’m going to look into it.” I brought my gaze back to her. “But it probably won’t be easy.”
“If it was easy, everyone would do it,” Rose said, and I laughed.
Jamison’s dad used to always say those words whenever one of us mentioned something being hard or we were scared to try. Carl was such a great man. He was there for Lance and me when our dad passed away and was there for Rose and Roland, her twin brother, when their dad and mom argued. He and Nigel, Kora’s father, were the rocks and surrogate fathers to our group of kids.
“Just think—Jamison told you he loves you.” Rose nudged my shoulder. “I remember when you were in middle school and would daydream about Jamison kissing you and holding your hand. And how you’d mope around when he’d bring his latest girlfriend to the weekly cookouts.” She squeezed my hand. “Now it’s you.”
“Yeah, and I turned him away. Younger me is probably screaming right now.”
“Probably, but older you made a good decision.”
I smiled at Rose. She really was the best, and I gave her a hard squeeze. “Thank you for understanding and always making things make sense.”
She squeezed me back. “Of course. It’s what I do. Now, come on. Dinner’s getting cold.” She pulled me up, and we linked arms as we walked across the yard.
“I almost forgot. Your amazing tacos. What’s your secret?”
“I’ll tell you, but don’t let it go any further.”
I zipped my lips.
“Love. Make everything with love, and it always tastes better.”
I rolled my eyes. My heart was lighter as we walked into the kitchen. A talk with a best friend tended to do that to a person.
A hush fell over the room when we entered.
My mother came over to me and wrapped me in a hug. “You okay, sweetie?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I am.” My eyes met Tonya’s. She was uncharacteristically quiet, and her mouth was pinched tight.
My heart ached. Not only had I hurt Jamison, but I hurt Tonya. This was what I was afraid of. Hurting those I love.
I sat in the chair next to Tonya and picked at my fingernails. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell him what—“ My voice hitched as tears swelled.
“Oh, sweet girl.” Tonya pulled me toward her and squeezed me as my shoulders shuddered and tears fell. “You’ve been through so much.”
“I didn’t want to hurt him,” I sobbed.
She didn’t respond. Her breathing became deep, and she rocked us. “I know,” she finally said. “I know.”
I pulled away and searched her face. She had tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Tonya.”
“Sh, sh, sh.” She shook her head and held up her hand. “Yes, I’m upset because my son is hurting, again. But I’m glad you were honest with him. His heart is still raw, and he doesn’t need another heartbreak. You take your time, and when you’ve made your peace with your past and are ready to move on, if Jamison’s part of your plans, know you have my blessing.” She grasped my arms. “But Lilly, if you realize Jamison isn’t the one for you, don’t feel bad or obligated. Just be honest with him and with yourself. You both have been through so much and deserve nothing but happiness.”
Her look was so sincere. “Thanks.”
She nodded and rose. “I gotta go and check on those damn goats and close up the chickens. Kora’s staying at their house tonight.” She slung her purse over her arm. “I can’t wait until they have the new barn ready and move all the animals to their new home.”
“Then you’ll have to go there to take care of them,” Diane said.
“Nonsense. Terry’s staying on their property. They will be his responsibility.”
Terry was Kai’s father. After Kai had moved to Orlinda Valley, his father showed up. They had some major healing of their own to do, and over the past year, Terry got sober, and they had mended some fences.
“You’ll miss those goats,” said Ruth, “and you’ll be lonely on all your property with no one else around.”
“I still hope Jamison will build on his plot someday, and maybe Rowan will come home.”
“It would be so nice to see Rowan. Maybe he’ll make it for Kora and Kai’s wedding,” Rose said.
I sat with a plate of the best tacos ever and listened to the talk about Kora and Kai’s wedding. I took my first bite and had to admit, they were pretty amazing.
Soon after I finished eating, everyone left, and Rose took Madeline with her. I started to clean the kitchen and became lost in the familiarity of washing dishes and scrubbing pans.
Once the kitchen sparkled, I grabbed a book and cuddled on the couch under a blanket and started to read. Mom and Charles had already gone to their room, so I had the living room to myself.
“Hey, sis, what you doing?”
“Shit, Lance.” I jumped and placed my hand over my racing heart.
“Sorry.” He chuckled a little.
“Why are you here so late, and how did you get in so quietly?”
Lance took a seat next to me, and I scooted over to give him space. “I just talked with Jamison and thought I should come check on you.”
I searched his blank expression. I couldn’t tell if he was being helpful or hurtful. You never could with Lance. He had a perfect poker face. Always neutral.
He continued. “I was being selfish, and I’m sorry.”
I studied his features and bit my lip as I tried to figure out if he was sincere.
The only expression he had on his face was a small smirk. That’s as sincere as I’d get from him. “It’s okay. I didn’t make this decision because of you. I need to decide what I’m going to do. I have to put me and Maddy first for now.”
He relaxed into the cushions. “What are you thinking?”
I took a deep breath. It was time to be vocal about what I want with people other than Rose and Kristy, see if anyone thinks I’m crazy. And who better to start with than my older brother? “Maybe I’d go back to school. I have some college under my belt. I’m thinking I should see what it would take to finish my nursing degree. I always wanted to be a nurse, and I still do. Even if it’s just part time or on call.”
“I think that’s a good idea, but would you really go through with it?”
I narrowed my eyes. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Sometimes I think you don’t want to be successful. It’s like you’re scared to try and fail, but you need to try, anyway.”
I cocked my head and stared at him. Again, his face was blank. I couldn’t figure him out. “You know, Lance, sometimes you’re so much like Anthony.”
He moved back like I slapped him. “You’re not serious. When was the last time Anthony encouraged you to do anything? I didn’t know him at all, but I know he was controlling. You’re saying I am?”
“I’m sorry. Maybe I was a bit harsh, but you’re always in people’s faces and in their business. When they’re happy, you have to go and screw it up, and then you flip sides and support them. It’s like you want people to do things your way and let you lead them, just like in high school when you were co-captain of the football team. You were a leader, and everyone listened to you.” I placed my hand on his knee. “But it’s not high school anymore. Maybe you need to see that sometimes people don’t need to do things your way, and you don’t have to be in charge all the time.”
He grasped my hand. “I know. You’re right. I do like to be in charge, but I was wrong about you and Jamison, and I’ve screwed up. I had no clue you two ever had feelings for each other, and now I find out my best friend is in love with you. I was jealous and a little hurt that neither of you trusted me enough to talk to me about any of this.”
“And you think it would’ve worked out well if we had told you about us all those years ago? Look how you reacted now.”
He sighed and raked his fingers through his hair. “Look, sis, I’ll tell you what I told him tonight. You should totally ignore me and my sorry ass. You’ve both been through more than most people should ever go through in a lifetime. I don’t know what you want, but if it’s Jamison, please don’t let me get in your way. You’re both my favorite people. I love you guys.”
My brother could be a giant turd at times, but he had a big heart once he let people see it. I gave him a hug. “Thank you, Lance. That means a lot. But I still need to focus on me and Madeline first, and I hope Jamison still wants me by the time I figure my shit out.”