37. Chapter 37
Chapter 37
Lilly
“I ’ll take an orange juice and biscuits,” I said. “Do you have strawberry jelly and honey?”
“Of course. I’ll put your orders in and be right back with your coffee.” The server, Gloria, left, and I fiddled with the knife and fork on the table.
I couldn't tell if I was so jittery because I’d left Madeline at kindergarten or if it was because Jamison was sitting across from me. Finally, I rested my elbows on the table and wrapped my hands around my neck and gave my chin a place to rest.
My gaze met his. I couldn’t read any emotion in his eyes like I’m sure he could in mine. I bet mine radiated nerves and insecurity, which was absolutely ludicrous. I was sitting across from Jamison. He wasn’t judging me at all. Hell, just a week ago, he’d told me he loved me. I searched his eyes long and hard. Jamison loved me. My heart skittered a bit before it got back to its normal rhythm.
Gloria returned with our drinks, and I immediately took a big sip of the sweet yet tangy juice.
“I guess you’re still not into eating oranges even though you’re an adult.”
I laughed lightly. “Nope. I still think it’s too much work to peel one when I can drink it.”
“See, you haven’t changed much.” His smile filled his face and made him look years younger, not that he even looked his thirty-six years. “Lance told me you were thinking of going back to college and finishing your nursing degree.”
I sighed heavily and rubbed my hands over my face. “I thought about it, but I don’t know if I should.”
“Why not? You’ve wanted to be a nurse since we were kids. I remember how you waited impatiently for Lance or me to fall off our bikes or out of a tree so you could bandage our knees.”
“Not quite,” I said as I bit the inside of my cheek.
His brows went up.
“I just wanted you to get hurt so I could nurse you back to health.” I felt the blush creep up my neck and cover my face.
Jamison rubbed his chin with a smirk. “Really?”
I pursed my lips and nodded when Gloria came back with our food. I got a brief reprise as we prepared our plates and ate in silence for a bit.
“Seriously, what’s keeping you from going back to school?” he asked between bites.
I shrugged one shoulder and thought about a good answer as I chewed my biscuit with strawberry jelly and honey on it. My favorite. “Madeline needs me right now.”
“Yes, she does, but she also needs you to be happy and your best self.”
His look was focused on me and held my gaze. Challenging me.
“It’ll cost money. I have it, but I should put it away for her education.”
“With what you’ll make as a nurse, you can replace it. She’s only five—well, soon to be.”
Okay, he was right again. “People will think I’m crazy going back to school.”
“Lots of people in their thirties and older go back to school.” He placed his hand over mine on the table. “Stop making excuses and be honest with me. What’s the real reason?”
I stared at his hand on mine and focused my attention on the heat radiating from him into my skin. My nerves seemed to calm and my heartbeat slowed. I raised my gaze to meet his. I could tell Jamison anything and I knew without a doubt he would listen, really listen to what I said. I took a deep breath. “What if I fail? I could fail.” My voice was soft.
He grabbed both of my hands in his and leaned on the table. “Are those your words or Anthony’s?”
I held his gaze and swallowed down the lump which had formed in my throat. “But I could fail. Then what would people think?” My heart thumped hard against my chest, and my eyes dropped to the table.
“Look at me, Lilly-Pad.”
His words calmed my heart, and I cautiously lifted my gaze.
“I believe you can do whatever you set your mind to. If you want to be a nurse, go. Do it. Will it be easy? Hell no. But you know what my dad used to say.”
I smiled and nodded my head. “If it was easy, everyone would do it.”
“Damn straight.” Jamison got up from his side of the table and moved next to me. He grabbed my hands again. “I want you to know I believe in you, and I will help you with anything you need. And so will everyone else. We will all help you. We all . . .” He hesitated. “. . . want you happy.”
I had a feeling he wanted to say something else but was glad he didn’t. “Thank you, Jamison. I’ll look into it.”
“No time like the present. I have the day off. If you want, we can go to my house and hop online—or the library if you’d rather.”
“The library?” I chuckled. “When was the last time you stepped foot in a library? Do you even know where the Orlinda Valley library is?”
“Hey.” He nudged my shoulder and leaned over to pull his plate to him. “I’ve taken Darcie to story hour at the library lots of times.”
We got quiet as we finished our breakfast. The quiet gave me time to contemplate going back to school and try to talk myself out of it, but no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t work. I wanted to do it.
“So, what do you say?” he asked as we left the pharmacy a while later. “Want to look at classes now?”
“Sure,” I answered without thinking. “How about my house? My mom’s at home for the morning, and I think it’s better that way.”
“Not sure you can trust yourself alone with me?” His grin was mischievous.
“I’m not going to answer that.” I couldn’t without either lying or telling the truth. Neither of which would be a good idea. Not if I really wanted time to figure out what I wanted to do.
Of course, when we got to my house, my mother wasn’t alone. Tonya's car was in the driveway.
“Good choice. Now my mother will be in on this. You sure you don’t want to sneak around behind everyone’s back and go to my house instead?” he asked with a grin.
“Nope. I’m done sneaking around.” I pulled on his arm, and he followed me up the walk.
“Well, look who it is,” Tonya said when we walked into the kitchen. She hugged me first, then Jamison. “Did the girls do okay at school?”
As soon as the question was asked, my heart broke for Madeline, and I felt those damn tears well up in my eyes again. I blinked them back as Jamison placed a reassuring arm around my waist.
“Maddy and this one here had a bit of a hard time separating, but I bet after today, all the separation anxiety will be one-sided.” Jamison squeezed me tighter.
I glanced at him through blurry vision and wiped my face. “I hope so. It will be easier for me to leave her if she’s happy. I’ll have to deal with my own loneliness.”
“You’ll be fine.” My mom said. “Can I get you something to eat? Coffee or water?”
“No thank you. We just ate, Kaye.” Jamison answered for both of us.
“So, what are you two planning on doing today?” My mom asked.
I couldn’t tell if it was an honest question or if she was prying. It didn’t matter. She was good at doing both, but I wasn’t ready to let others know about my thoughts about school. Not even my mother.
“Lilly was thinking about passing her time by going back to college and finishing her nursing degree.”
So much for keeping my thoughts to myself. I rolled my eyes and walked to the table.
“Lilly, that’s a great idea,” Tonya said.
“Oh, baby. It is. You need to focus on yourself. You’ve always wanted to be a nurse,” my mom agreed.
“I know. I’m just going to look into it and see what steps I would need to take. It doesn’t mean I’ll do it.” I turned to Jamison. “Go ahead and get comfortable. I’ll go grab my computer.”
By the time I got back to the kitchen, our mothers had left, and I didn’t ask where they went. As long as they weren’t going to stay in our business was all I cared about. I booted up my computer and sat in the chair next to Jamison.
Jamison and I spent the next couple hours going through the colleges within driving distance. This was a perfect time to look because classes started at the end of August. I’d be able to hop in at the start of the fall semester if I decided to go through with it. It didn’t give me much time to overthink what I was doing, which was probably for the best.
I decided to go to the community college not too far from home, then transfer to a four-year college after I graduate. Chunking college into two-year increments seemed more attainable than looking at a four-year college. Jamison and I had been searching online for over an hour when our mothers came into the kitchen, their purses over their shoulders.
“We’re heading out,” my mom said with a sheepish look on her face. “We’re picking up Ruth and going to Diane’s for the day. Charles will be home later.”
Tonya pushed her to the door. “You two be good.” She winked and they left.
Jamison grinned. “Looks like it’s just us.”
My heart fluttered, and I had to wipe my palms on my shorts before I touched my computer again. “Yep. Let’s get back to this.” I needed to keep us on track. It was about me right now.
Jamison helped me understand the online requirements. Since it had been so long since I attended school, I would have to take some tests to make sure my math and writing skills were up to par; then it should be pretty simple. I filled out the admission forms and made an appointment for later in the week to meet with a counselor.
I sat back and puffed out a breath. I did it. I was enrolled in college. Excitement rolled through my stomach and made it churn. I turned to Jamison and wrapped my arms around his neck. “Thank you so much, Jamison.” I was on cloud nine. I’d made a decision to better myself and get my life on track. This was a good first step.
He hugged my waist. “I’m proud of you. This is huge, and you’re going for it.”
Doubt hit me like a brick. I backed away. “What if I’m not ready? What if I don’t have time for work and studying and Maddy and all the things I need to do for her? Am I being selfish?” My eyes locked on his. My hands became clammy, and my gut churned as fear took refuge inside it right next to its best friend doubt.
Jamison grabbed the side of my face. “Stop. I’m here, and I’ll help you with whatever you need. Your mother will help, too. You have family and extended family. Rose and Kristy. You’re not alone anymore.”
His blue eyes were sincere and wrapped me in warmth, and I relaxed. He rubbed my cheeks and the back of my neck gently. I concentrated on the feeling, and without realizing what I was doing, my lips met his. He hesitated for a split second, but I pulled him closer and deepened the kiss. Our tongues met, and he leaned in. The kiss was warm, gentle, and forgiving—exactly what I needed.
My life had been shit for so long, and I forgot what it was like to have someone want the best for me. Being home awoke the part of me that had been hibernating for so many years. I deserved to be happy. I deserved Jamison.
My heart exploded and I pulled away just a bit.
I didn't just deserve Jamison, I needed him. Yes, I needed to be independent and have a purpose, and I needed to go back to school to make that a reality…but I also needed Jamison.
I broke the kiss and held his gaze. The corners of my mouth crept up. The man I’d loved in private for so long was here helping me start a new life back home in Orlinda Valley. Jamison McKendry wanted to be mine.
Suddenly, everything seemed possible. Everything seemed right.