Chapter 23
Ellie thinks she's going to faint. Fireworks explode everywhere, inside and out.
Ruby's taste is sweeter than she remembered, and her lips softer and warmer.
Ruby notices Ellie's urgency, the trembling in her lips and also in the hands that her friend has on her neck while she feels a shock run through her from head to toe.
This is everything she's always wanted, Ellie against her mouth, hearing her sighs and feeling the need that invades her and pushes her against her.
But Ruby doesn't want it like this, without more, without knowing why it's happening now.
Ellie moves her hands, takes them from her neck and slides them down her arms until they land on her waist, where she intends to continue exploring.
"Wait, Ellie," Ruby says softly, stepping back a couple of steps while trying to center herself.
"What's wrong?" asks Ellie, who doesn't understand anything.
She stares at Ruby, with parted lips and her heart in her throat while cursing herself for being so abrupt.
"I think we should talk about this," Ruby responds.
Ellie's head burns and she finds it a little difficult to process her words.
"Yes, of course, you're right," she says, feeling somewhat embarrassed.
"Should we sit?" asks Ruby, pointing to the couch.
Ellie nods with relief, because her legs are starting to shake. Ruby sits beside her, turned toward her waiting for her to speak, but Ellie is so shocked by what just happened and by what the kiss made her feel, that she's speechless.
"What was that kiss about?" Ruby finally asks.
Her partner seems to come out of her trance and looks at her intently.
"Is it true that you're in love with me?" Ellie fires point-blank.
Ruby stares at her, mouth agape, her mind working at full speed, trying to guess where Ellie got that conclusion, but she tells herself that's not the most important thing, in fact, it has no relevance at all. She looks at her and concludes she has nothing left to lose.
"Yes, it is."
"Oh my God, Ruby," says Ellie, running a hand through her hair. "Why have you never told me? Everything could have been so different."
"Because I didn't want to lose your friendship and because I didn't think it would change anything if I did. With you everything has always been confusing. Every time I think there might be a chance, a crack to slip through, you start dating men again."
"I don't—" Ellie stops when Ruby raises her hand.
"We don't need to go far back in time for you to see I'm right.
You got divorced from Marcel and, as soon as you got over the rough patch a bit, you downloaded that app and started dating men again.
If you look back, it's always the same, Ellie.
You get tired of comparing them all to me, finding flaws in them that apparently I don't have, telling me that none of them are like me, but you keep sleeping with them.
Do you know how much it hurts to hear you say that?
That none of them are like me, and to come to the conclusion that you simply don't consider me because I'm a woman. "
"Ruby, I..."
"It's exhausting, Ellie," Ruby continues. "I'm trying so hard these weeks to forget about you, to create distance, and now you show up here and kiss me like you've been wanting to do it your whole life. What am I supposed to think?"
"Can I speak now?" asks Ellie.
Ruby sighs and shrugs.
"It was that damn kiss we shared at the alumni dinner," she says and presses the bridge of her nose hard.
"Since then I can't stop thinking about it, about you.
It's like all the pieces of a very complicated mechanism are suddenly fitting together, making me see what I haven't seen all these years.
I think I'm in love with you too, Ruby, but I'm very confused.
For me all this is new, I didn't see it coming.
And you're right, I've always complained about all my partners, compared them to you over and over while wondering why they couldn't act like you. "
Ruby raises her eyebrows.
"You understand me better than anyone, I don't need to tell you when something worries me, you notice.
You know how I like my coffee and you make the perfect combination for my favorite cocktail.
That and a thousand things, Ruby, and now I realize that I've always looked for you in all of them when I simply had to open my eyes and look at you. "
"I don't know what to say now," says Ruby, dazed.
"You don't have to say anything. I need to clear my head," murmurs Ellie, feeling overwhelmed. "I value our friendship too much, and if we start something and it doesn't work out, it would be terrible to lose you."
Ruby swallows and clenches her jaw. She's very tired of feeling what she feels, of Ellie's blindness all this time and now of her fear.
"Do what you think is best, Ellie," she says, exhausted.
Ellie looks at her, confused.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I'm not going to do anything else.
I've been in love with you my whole life, swallowing the pain of feeling I wasn't enough for you while trying to accept that I don't have a chance.
And now you come to me with this, that apparently you like me too, but now you're confused.
I can't ask you to choose, I've always put our friendship first, although I assure you that, had I been certain I had a chance, I would have made a move.
So now the ball is in your court. I do want something with you, so take all the time you need to clear your head and decide what you want, and when you're clear about it, tell me. "
"I don't want to hurt you, Ruby," says Ellie, distressed.
Ruby's gaze turns to steel and Ellie shivers.
"You've been hurting me your whole life. Without meaning to, but you have, so don't worry, I can handle any answer."
Ellie curses herself for being so stupid, for being so blind and for all the pain she's caused the person she loves most without intending to, but most of all she curses herself for the time she's lost trying to find the perfect partner without realizing she had her right in front of her eyes.
She sighs and nods, she has a lot to think about, she still hasn't processed what she's feeling, or the revelation that Ruby is in love with her.
She needs to think calmly, she can't risk messing things up now.
"I promise you'll have an answer," says Ellie, standing up, "but give me some time to think, I don't want to rush and screw things up."
"Sure," says Ruby, "you know where to find me."