Chapter 5
She didn’t feel pain again.
Not physically.
When she opened her eyes, James McGregor was with her.
He was a small, ugly little man with the warmest eyes and kindest face imaginable.
She knew that he had been a respected physician in Glasgow until a rich man had taken his mistress to his house, already dying from an abortion.
She had perished under his care, and the rich man had maintained his own respectability by allowing James to be sent to prison.
Yet, oddly enough, James didn’t seem a bitter man, and though he had been almost frightening in his gnomish ugliness when Sabrina had first met him, she knew that he had been instrumental in saving David Douglas’s life.
He was by her side, bathing her forehead and her face.
She wasn’t wearing her elegant white nightgown anymore; she had been changed into a very simple blue cotton nightdress.
She didn’t hurt; she just felt exhausted.
She wanted to speak, because he was smiling at her in a very kindly way, but when she opened her mouth, she felt tears welling in her eyes.
“I killed the baby!” she whispered. Oh, God, that hurt! She couldn’t believe she had once thought that it would all be so simple if she merely lost the child. Now it was agony, and surely God had to be punishing her for being such a horrible person.
“Ach, now, lass! Y’didna kill the wee bairn. God’s will, and nothing more, takes life, as it gives life,” he said very gently.
“But—I have lost the baby.”
He nodded gravely, still smiling in his gentle manner as he soothed her face with a cool, damp towel.
“Sabrina, you must get it out of your head that you’ve killed the child—”
“I didn’t want it!” she whispered miserably, close to tears.
“There’s many a doxie will assure you that not wanting a bairn does not make one go away!
Lass, you were taken by those wretched criminal Satanists trying to do away with the Douglases one and all, and kept prisoner for two days in a tomb.
Lass, none of that was your fault, though God alone knows if even such a thing took the bairn.
...I was a good doctor, Sabrina, when I practiced.
A very good doctor. And most of what I’ve seen is that God takes wee ones when there might have been some trouble with the babe—a heart too small, a mind not quite right…
what matters, lass, is that you’re going to be all right. And there can always be another bairn.”
“Can there?” she murmured.
Oh, God, Sloan had accused her of not wanting the child, of even having considered attempting an abortion.
And now.
This.
On her wedding night.
She had been losing his child even as she promised to love, honor and cherish him....
“Oh, James!” she whispered miserably.
She couldn’t stop them. Tears trickled from beneath her lashes.
“Now, now, lass, you’re going to be fine. And you’re young as dawn; you’ll have years and years ahead to have dozens of wee bairns if you choose.”
“This baby mattered!” she whispered.
“All babes matter,” James said kindly. “But there’s not a one of us who can undo the good Lord’s will; all we can do now is accept it. Well, there are others quite anxious to see you, lass. Let me leave you be.”
“Wait,” Sabrina said breathlessly as he rose to leave. “Wait, James—”
He squeezed her hand. “Lass, your husband has been up the night, and waiting down below since I told him he must do so. He’s the one who must be with you now.”
“But—”
He released her hand. Before she could stop him, he had gone out the door. She bit into her lower lip, wishing she could disappear. The castle had dozens of secret passageways; she wished she could vanish into one of them forever.
She tried to sit up, wishing that she could rise, but a dizziness assailed her so that she lay back, closing her eyes, fighting the darkness that threatened to overwhelm her again.
When she opened her eyes again, Sloan was there, seated beside her on the bed.
He was dressed in breeches, boots, and a white shirt, the shirt only half-buttoned—in careless haste, she thought.
His dark hair was queued back; the expression in his coal-dark eyes was very grave.
She fought the tears that threatened again; for neither his eyes nor the expression on his face gave away his thoughts.
He surely thought her guilty of perpetrating some evil upon their unborn child, and he must hate the fact that he was now shackled to her when they were no longer expecting a child.
“Sloan,” she whispered.
“It’s all right. You’re going to be all right,” he said, a husky edge to his voice.
“Sloan, I didn’t—”
“I forced too much on you, expected too much from you. Especially under the circumstances.”
“Wh-what?” she whispered.
“I’m sorry, Sabrina. I’m truly sorry.”
“Sloan…Sloan, you think that it was your fault?” she whispered.
“God alone knows,” he murmured, brushing his knuckles over her cheeks. For a moment, his eyes seemed to burn with a strange fire. “For a time there, I thought we might lose you as well. James, however, says that you’ll be fine.”
She lowered her lashes and nodded. “I feel fine. Just—” She hesitated. “Sloan, I know you believe that I wanted to lose this child. Your child. Perhaps, in a few minutes of pure panic when I first realized the situation…I did. But I swear to you that I did nothing—”
“Sabrina,” he said with a tired sigh. “I know that you wouldn’t endure the distress of marrying me, and then seek to lose the child. If anyone is at fault, it is I, for rather mercilessly insisting on a hasty marriage.”
A very bitter huskiness seemed to remain in his voice.
She felt painfully distant, as if they had never been greater strangers than they were at this moment, though why, she didn’t know.
She had fallen asleep in his arms. She had awakened last night in pain, yet still in his arms. Held, secure.
She suddenly felt very much alone. He had insisted on the marriage, yes.
Because of the child. And now, the child was gone.
“You…” she breathed. “You could probably get the marriage quickly annulled, if you wished.”
He arched a brow, and the corner of his mouth curved into a dry smile. “An annulment?”
“If you wished,” she murmured, feeling again the power of his eyes as he looked at her. She couldn’t face him; she was going to start to cry again. She let her lashes fall. “I’ve lost the child, Sloan—”
“When we agreed to the marriage, Sabrina, we determined that it was going to be a real marriage. No matter what.”
“Yes, but this is entirely different. You were doing the noble, honorable thing, giving up your freedom. I can’t hold you now—”
“No, my love, you were the one who spoke about wanting freedom. But I’m sorry, Sabrina. I can’t give you that freedom. I won’t give you that freedom.”
“Sloan—”
“No,” he stated flatly.
“But—”
He stood abruptly. “Don’t worry,” he said curtly. “1 know you need time to heal. Maybe we both do. I’ve got to go home; you should really take some time to regain your strength before you undertake a long ocean voyage.”
“You’re going to leave me—here.”
“Yes, I intend to leave you here. With your sister and Hawk. They’ll be returning to America next month, and by then you’ll be fit to travel. I come and go frequently from my army barracks, but should you arrive when I’m away, any of the soldiers will help you move into my quarters.”
She stared at him blankly, wondering why it hurt so much to lose a baby when she couldn’t really feel any physical pain. Then wondering why it hurt so much that…
He was leaving her. She hadn’t wanted him to come here, and she hadn’t wanted to marry him, and now…
He was leaving her. It should be what she wanted. Time away from him, to think, to plan.
And plan what? Her life? He wasn’t giving her life back to her. He didn’t want a divorce, but she served him no real purpose.
“What—what if I don’t return to America?” she whispered.
He smiled grimly, brushing her cheek with his knuckles once again. “You’ll come home, because you’ll promise to do so.”
“And why should I do that?” she whispered rather breathlessly.
He leaned toward her. “Because if I have to, I’ll cross the ocean again to come back for you.
And should I do that, my love, you might find yourself ruing the day you decided not to keep a promise to me.
” He straightened, then looked down at her again.
“For the love of God, Sabrina, don’t play games with my patience now.
I’m trying my best to be decent under the circumstances.
And honest as well. I’ll give you time. No more—I warned you from the outset that neither of us would walk away from our marriage, no matter what. ”
“No matter what!” she repeated.
“No matter what. So the bargain is this. I give you time. I leave you here. But you come home with your sister and Hawk, and we set up house within the next three months.” He stood suddenly. “Are we agreed?”
“Sloan—”
“Sabrina, are we agreed?”
“Yes, yes! I’ll go back with my sister and Hawk.”
“I’ll take a promise on that.”
“Is a promise good—when it’s been threatened out of someone?” she asked him.
“Your promise, Sabrina.”
“I promise,” she cried with exasperation. Oh, God, this couldn’t go on. She had never felt such a torment and confusion. Wanting him to go.
Wanting him to stay.
He stood abruptly, exhaling on a long breath. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to argue with you. James says you could use more sleep. Get some rest. I’ll see you again before I leave.”
“No, Sloan, wait…please!” she said, startling herself as she reached out to him.
Puzzled, he hesitated. He took her hand and sat again at the side of the bed. She lowered her lashes quickly, amazed by the strange sense of security she felt from his touch.
“What?”
“I’ll go back west; I’ve promised to do so. But Sloan, I can’t begin to understand why…” Her voice faded as she looked up and found him watching her.