04 — Catarina Rowedder
“You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
As if I were made of paper”
Skyscraper — Demi Lovato
Lately, that is, in the last few years, my life has been limited to keeping myself confined inside my own home, being antisocial, not by choice, but rather by lack of permission to be who I have always been.
During my childhood, on the rare occasions that I went out after the tragedy that changed the course of our happy family, it was when Iolanda — my nanny — would secretly take me to Central Park so that I could use up all my energy. I was always a completely curious and talkative child, I would talk my ear off and she would still joke with me, saying that one day all this talk would get me into trouble and trouble.
She was certainly one of the most special people I had in my life, she taught me everything about right and wrong, always, but at the time, I didn't understand the extent of her concern and especially her dedication to highlighting the ways in which A person could touch me or not, but today, I understand that thanks to that, I can survive day after day in this hell that I live in daily.
Unfortunately, my personality faded over the years and gave way to fear and the mechanical way of acting in front of any human being and especially when the devil smiles.
After the sudden death of my father, my mother went through her mourning phase like any normal person who loses her life partner, her best friend and the love of her life. However, Otávio, a close family friend, ended up becoming a daily companion among us, in this moment of pain and longing that we were facing. So, a little more than half a year later, he became my stepfather, unexpectedly and which left me with a slight suspicion, because Mrs. Victória was very much in love with her husband, getting married months after becoming a widow was not the attitude I wanted. I expected from her, no matter how much I believe that life goes on.
However, I left my childish theories aside, after all at that time, they made me believe that this was a totally normal attitude, after all, what would a seven—year—old girl know about adult life? Apparently nothing.
I could see in my mother's eyes that she, like me, missed my father every day, even if she tried to mask that feeling. A few times I asked her if she had forgotten the great love of her life so quickly, however the only answer she gave me was that having Otávio in our lives would be good and that I didn't need to worry, as her duty was to protect me for everyone. the days of your life.
I vaguely remember that at that time, my then stepfather was already helping my father with the administration of the company, but I was never able to feel empathy for him. As a teenager, I began to notice that my mother's eyes continued to lose their shine, day after day, which contributed to me becoming increasingly introspective and suspicious of everything and everyone as time went by.
During High School, while my classmates went on vacation with their families, they visited different places in the world, I, on the other hand, was rarely allowed to access the internet, only for study and, always, with someone supervising, in this case one of the that man's bodyguards, in addition to not having a cell phone, because according to my stepfather, I would be swallowed up by the virtual society, since he considered me ignorant. Due to these “prohibitions”, I began to fall even more in love with the world of books, because reading transported me to places I always dreamed of visiting, becoming my best friends and those where I always learned something useful for my growth.
As time went by, I became very observant and with each passing week, the certainty that my mother did not marry out of love or lack of affection became more evident. It was a fact — not proven — that that man never thought about our well—being, his only and exclusive interest was only in our money, in the image of the perfect family so that no one would discover the monster he really was and tried to hide behind an image of a good Samaritan.
I felt inside me that my sixth sense was not mistaken and there was a lot of dirt behind his sudden interest in my mother.
The confirmation of my suspicions gained more strength, when I entered college, my instinct internally stated that the problems were becoming more and more serious, that there was something very wrong happening inside the house where I was once happy, however, Mrs. Victória would never worry me, that is, she would not open up to me and at that moment her words return to my mind:
“Nina, I bear everything for you, nothing bad will ever happen to you as long as I live.”
The same phrase whispered every night, after kissing me goodnight, making sure I was safe in my room, sleeping peacefully. Little did she know that I had become silent for her protection. Suddenly, knocks echo on my bedroom door, which then opens.
— Catarina, it's time to accompany your mother, look perfect tonight, your party will be unforgettable, my doll. — Your disgusting voice gives me goosebumps, I can't stand it, when my eyes meet yours, I see malice written there and I feel that something bad is about to happen. Something very bad.
With an indecipherable expression, which I learned to interpret over the years, I face the man and respond calmly, so that he doesn't notice the panic that still causes me:
— Good morning, I'm just going to get my bag and meet her. — I give a slight smile.
He analyzes me from head to toe, giving me a smug smile, undressing me without any shame and leaving my room as if he wanted to stay, leaving only the certainty that, today, will be the day that I put my plan into action and then I will give a way to get my mother out of this hell we live in.
There is no other option for our freedom and there is no remote possibility that I will fail.
I take a quick look in the mirror, grab my bag, taking a deep breath, ready to face the day. I go down the stairs, stopping next to the door that leads to the office, creating enough courage to listen to what he says on the phone:
— Don't worry, after graduation I'll fix her, this part will be resolved.
A chill runs down my spine, making me more tense and fearful than usual. I can't be careless and have the bad luck that someone finds me here, many of the security guards are from his trusted circle, I even believe that the only one who remains on our side, after the tragedy that took my father, is Mr. Thomaz, a former —soldier, owner of the security company, with all the changes that have occurred in our family, this man made a point of taking care of us, out of consideration for my father and I can only be grateful for that.
What really surprised me was when I discovered that the disgusting Otávio believes he is just a hired security guard. Thomaz even confided in me that this was a tactic so that he could continue to protect both of us in some way, without anyone suspecting.
He is the only man I trust in this dome that they placed me without my consent, if it weren't for his kindness to us and extreme care, perhaps today, I wouldn't have this determination to change my life, like finding out what really happened in that accident. who left me fatherless and erased my mother.
Both Thomaz and Iolanda are the family that my heart chose, they are both part of Catarina who remains hidden behind a facade of fears and uncertainties, but who is ready to face the world and get her personality back .
I am taken out of my thoughts, when I hear someone's footsteps approaching and making me move away as quickly as possible, the time has come to play the shy and obedient girl that everyone expects, the one who accepts everything without question, a beautiful actress, I would say.
— Miss Catarina, your mother is waiting for you in the car, next to the driver. — One of the security guards informs me and I nod in agreement, heading towards her.
— Nina, my love! — he smiled when he saw me. — Let's go! We have to get ready for your graduation party tonight,” he says, sighing, with vacant eyes. — I'm sorry, my daughter, I tried to convince Otávio to let you participate with your class, but I failed, forgive me. — Hug me. — His party will be at home, he will take the opportunity to close some deals.
— Mom, don't worry, it's okay, I won't miss a party like any other colleague — I say, kissing her face. — There's nothing to forgive, and after all, you know I didn't make any friends in those years at college. What matters to me is having you by my side. I need you to be okay, for us — I whisper the last words so the driver doesn't hear.
Most of the employees, especially those responsible for the two of us, send daily reports of everything we do, including what we talk about, to that shitty controller. Thomaz warned me about this, as he had no authority to interfere, or even prevent it, as a clear sign so that we wouldn't fall into a trap.
That was one of the reasons I didn't get close to anyone at the university. Besides always having a security guard with me, I felt like I was being watched all the time. I completed my course being a mere ghost, just another name on the teachers' list, but in the eyes of others the “spoiled girl”, “the superior”, or even “the biggest”. These were just some of the comments I heard, there were worse ones, but I bet none of them would like to have my life.
I just ignored it, because inside, I felt envious of them, of the freedom they had in moving around campus, like normal people, living an important phase of life, going to fraternity parties, discovering new experiences.
I ignored it, because I knew that judging would always be easier than understanding the true side of the story, especially given the fact that no one approached me.