08 — Catarina Rowedder
“I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There is nowhere for us to take shelter”
Demons — Imagine Dragons
The day was very special and despite my nervousness, I enjoyed every second with my mother, moments that I recorded in my memory as a memory of a see you later, which I hope from the bottom of my heart won't take long to happen.
Our conversations were as diverse as possible, including about what our life was like when Dad was still with us. The nostalgia that hits me is like a punch in the stomach, the longing for your hugs, where I felt extremely safe, is overwhelming.
Every word my mother said gave me more strength to go back to being that Catarina from many years ago, a dreamy, happy, carefree girl, who spoke out of her mouth every time she got nervous or got into trouble and most importantly: determined to not give up.
Finally, today, this “girl” will have her chance to be free to fight for her goals, no matter what she has to face to achieve them.
And someday, she would return.
I will come back...
And he would be stronger than ever.
Suddenly, I have a memory of my childhood, together with my beloved nanny.
? “We were going for a walk. I loved going to Central Park and she would take me, saying it would be our secret and that I couldn't tell anyone. That day, I saw a boy with a sad look, leaning against one of the trees. He watched everything and everyone and I kept looking until he noticed me. I thought it must be really cool to be there, resting. Apparently, he could always go, as I kept seeing him there for several afternoons, but always alone....”
It's been a long time, in fact, a few years, since I remembered that boy, however, I can't put my curiosity aside when I think about what could have happened to him, because after that day I saw him for a few weeks and then, he disappeared. And, of course, in my mind as a reader, where theories are constantly being formed, I imagined several endings to his story.
With all my heart and among all the scenarios I have ever imagined, I hope that some charitable and good—natured soul helped him. For a long time, I wanted to be like that boy, free and loose, running around the park, admiring the families who filled the place with laughter, games and fun, because even though he seemed lonely, he had a loving face every time our children eyes met, in addition to showing a shy smile that made him seem like a good boy.
Knocks echo on the bedroom door, which is opened shortly afterwards, taking me away from these good memories.
— Daughter, the guests will be arriving soon. Do you need help with something? — She approaches me, her face exuding pride.
— No, mom, I'm going to get dressed and wait for you so we can go downstairs — I respond calmly, as I still need to sort out some details so that nothing goes out of plan.
? — Okay, my daughter, I'll finish getting ready and I'll come find you soon. I love you my princess. — He gives me a tender kiss on the cheek, saying goodbye.
Okay, Catarina. Don't panic, everything will be fine — I repeat this like a mantra, as I start to organize myself.
I check again, my gym pants, where there is an imperceptible internal seam, containing my documents and an account card, which according to Mr Thomaz were made by my father when I was born and were under his supervision, so that no one would know of its existence, so much so that I only received it last week.
I don't worry about the heels, as I'll take them off and exchange them for a pair of sneakers. I won't be able to take the cell phone I got, so I just remove the chip and keep it with the rest, as it will be useful to me in the future. I hide the device inside a false bottom in the closet.
Before I finish, I put on my gym top, which won't be visible, precisely because I was careful when choosing the model of the dress I'll wear now, all to save time, in the few seconds I'll have to finally escape.
Ready. It's in God's hands! Daddy, help me. Don't abandon me now —I pray mentally.
I look in the mirror one last time, confirming that there is nothing that could give me away and I stop for a moment, thinking about everything I have experienced here, in this room, which in the first few years was my enchanted kingdom, but in the following years, torture.
I take a deep breath, reaffirming the promise I made to myself that I will rise again. Everything I've been through is reason enough to become even stronger.
From now on, I will be a woman and not a scared girl.
I once read in a book that no trauma is forever, no pain is eternal, although only we know the battles we face, but at some point the light shines again, you just have to persist. And that's what I'll do.
I'm taken out of my reverie when my mother returns to the room.
— Shall we go, daughter? Guests are waiting for us to congratulate you. — He smiled, taking my hand. — I know you don't have contact with many of them, in fact, with almost none, but most of them knew your father and are really proud to see you following in his footsteps. Everything will be fine, my princess. — Hug me and I can notice your heart racing. — Be strong, my Nina, you are an incredible woman.
— Mom, I love you and, yes, everything will be fine — I confirm, attracting positive thoughts. — Our lives will improve, I know that Dad always watches over us. I love you, I will always love you — completely, trying to calm her heart, without her knowing that maybe I'm the one hurting her today.
— Ready for your graduation, Catarina? — That disgusting voice, which torments my head daily, breaks our moment and, as always, it arrives silently.
— Yes, Otávio, the two of us were already going to meet you, as instructed. — I say, with a rehearsed calmness and a rigid politeness, but inside, I want to shout all the insults possible at this man.
? — Okay, keep your smiles, I need to close some deals today. — The look he gives me makes my spine shiver, probably the thing he's referring to is me.
? Do you know when we look at someone and immediately notice a danger that screams for us to run or it will crush you? That's what I see in him.
The two of them lead the way and I follow behind. As soon as we reach the first step, at the top of the stairs, I am surprised by the luxurious decoration as if it were a royal ball and I control myself not to roll my eyes at this insanity. Dad always valued comfort, without neglecting simplicity and I'm sure most of these people know that all this extravagance is the sole and exclusive work of my stepfather.
Since right now I have no other alternative, I follow them politely, being a mini robot. Smiling. Waving. Just like a doll.
I recognize a few people — as I look at the guests — from the time when I was a child, because after my father's death, I didn't have any kind of contact with anyone, it was a miracle I wasn't sent to a boarding school somewhere distant, but today I think I could have done well if that had happened. Others I don't know, but I need to be gentle as always, while in my head I created an imaginary timer counting down the seconds to get out of here.
— Honey, do you remember the Foster Enterprise? — he asks my mother, as we go down the stairs that lead to the main hall.
— Of course, Otávio, if I remember correctly, we worked with them for several years. — She always liked to know about the company's contracts, however, after the marriage she became more and more distant, I believe at the request of her new husband.
— We need to close the contract with them or we'll have to change some things around here — he says, in a mocking tone, as if he believes that we are responsible for the shit he does.
Dona Victória doesn't respond, she just nods and we continue walking through the room, with a suffocating silence inside me, that my ears don't even notice the buzz between the guests and the background music, which I know is happening. Some of them come to greet us immediately, congratulating us on our graduation, little do they know how much I would like to be among friends — if I had one, of course —, the luck is that my expression doesn't reveal any feeling that is taking over me now, I just thank you kindly without opening my mouth, without saying a single word, as I was used to doing, but inside, wanting to scream for help, some help so that we can have peace, again.
— We will socialize and talk to some guests, Catarina. — your eyes are like knives being stuck in me. — Stay close and enjoy it for now. I want this night to be unforgettable for you. — Smiles mischievously.
Oh, and what it will be like, however, not in the way you imagine. — I think.
As soon as I am apparently alone, a waiter offers me a drink and I accept, however, I avoid drinking, I don't trust anyone Otávio hires, let alone anything that might be in that glass. I walk to the garden, breathing some fresh air will do me good, as well as containing the anxiety that never stops increasing, imagining a way that I can go unnoticed between the security guards.
I try to imagine what it will be like when I manage to leave here, I don't know what my destination will be, where I will stay, or what I will do in the next few days, alone, but I am comforted by the fact that I trust Thomaz blindly, because he would never hurt me or would try something like that, all he did for years was help and protect me.
He is and will always be my savior, which gave me the opportunity to have a fresh start.
— Good evening, excuse me, are you the honoree of the night? — A hoarse voice sounds nearby.
As soon as I visualize the man in front of me, I can see that there is no malice in his eyes, only sincerity in the question he asked me. I've always believed that a look says a lot about a person and, at the moment, it doesn't present any risks to me, so, for the first time, I decide to talk to someone I don't know, even though I have a certain tremor running down my spine.
— Good evening, I believe so — I respond in my polite, mechanical tone.
— Congratulations on your graduation, your family had a wonderful party… — he makes a charming curve of his lips. — Forgive me, I didn't introduce myself. — He extends his hand, which I hesitate to take. — I'm Erik Hickmann, I've come to represent my parents — he informs me, still with his hand extended towards me, however, it doesn't take long for him to notice my discomfort and without saying anything, he puts his hand in my pocket, making me more comfortable, taking it out. It makes me dizzy that I entered with that simple gesture.
— I'm Catarina, and forgive me, but I don't remember you. — I demonstrate a calm that does not exist at the moment. — But I thank you for your presence and your congratulations.
— Well, I just came to congratulate you, it would be rude of me if I didn't, I'm going to meet a friend now, if you'll excuse me. — Nods and returns to the hall.
Strangely, I had the feeling that he was trying to discover something, but that must have been in my head, which is troubled by the nervousness and adrenaline that is consuming me, in addition to the fertile imagination of always suspecting everything and creating theories for the smallest things.
I never imagined that I would go through a situation like this in my life, despite everything I believed for many years that everything would be resolved, but it only got worse and I imagined that I would never be able to have dreams again, have help and people worrying about me. Unfortunately, I have become accustomed to silent judgments, however, every story has two sides and these people who are here today only know one version, a lie that has been masterfully manipulated for a long time.
I observe the guests, knowing that most of them must have some connection with us, whether sincere or dubious, I remain analyzing everything, without realizing that time is passing. I walk to the appetizer table, calmly, smiling and trying to avoid the attention of these people. In the distance I see my mother restless, I believe it's because of the speech that Otávio will give next, pretending to be a great stepfather congratulating me on an achievement.
— Victória, use your beauty for something necessary, I need to get that contract with Foster Enterprise, as soon as possible, don't try to interfere by saying any nonsense — he comments harshly to her, when I approach without them noticing that I'm close. — If that kid gets in trouble, I'll need to fix him — he adds, looking very irritated.
— Honey, don't be hasty. Maybe they just decided to postpone the project — he responds, trying to get around the situation and I see an unfriendly look on his face.
I need to get closer and change the subject, I don't want to imagine him verbally attacking my mother if they continue this conversation.
— Hi, everything is very beautiful, isn't it? — I say something simple and cliché, intervening, drawing attention.
— Yes, my girl. Otávio will give the speech in a few minutes and then his dance will come — she explains to me, but, I don't want to and I won't dance with this man, for me I would stick a knife in his neck and send this being to the fifth place of hell.
It's a shame that I lack courage, in addition to being afraid of using my first offender and not being successful in killing this unfortunate man.
— That's right, Catarina. I'm even going to talk to a specific guest so he can have the honor of dancing with you. Who knows, maybe he'll take a wise action — the idiot speaks as if he's ordering you.
It wasn't enough to be practically a prisoner in this house, now I've become a bargaining chip.
How rancid!
— All good. — I respond, controlling myself not to order it up the ass, curving my lips in a “friendly” smile. — If you'll excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom.
I don't wait for a response, I simply walk away, leaving them alone.
I need to breathe, I need to be alone.
I can't throw a tantrum, not now. I've reached a limit where I won't be able to hold on for too long with everything I've been holding back on to say.
I need focus, I can't run out of air, I can't panic.
I'll be able to get out of here.
I enter the bathroom, closing the door and leaning against it, releasing the air trapped in my lungs. I stay there motionless, for a few minutes composing myself and, when I'm about to leave, I hear some voices in the hallway, which catch my attention. I decided to wait, because I know those voices and I know it can't be good.
— I'm almost sure I know that boy, if you allow me I'll do a complete search of his life, who knows, maybe I'll find something rotten to use and pressure him.
— Do it as soon as possible, at the latest tomorrow at the end of the day I want any information. This can't go wrong and after we use that girl, I'll pass her on for a good price.
Whose filth?
Who is the girl he will pass on?
No. It can't be.
I learned very early on that not everyone has a good heart, but I can't believe it gets to that point. In fact, I still think I'm too gullible to believe in so much evil.
When in doubt, I'll take the risk. I need to do something.
But what? Think Catarina, think. You may have lived at home for years, have no contacts, but you're not stupid, think of something.
— I'm going to go out now and look for information. — Those are the last words I hear.
The solution will be to wait a little longer for me to leave and no one notices me. If that happens, my whole plan of finally being free and running away from here will go down the drain. A few minutes pass and then I carefully open the door, look through the crack and see that they are already gone. However, I notice two men close to where I am, one I recognize immediately, is the boy who came to talk to me, but the other has his back turned, which doesn't help my “spy” mood and despite having no idea what they're talking about, I can notice concern in the way Erik gestures, as he speaks. I wanted to watch them both, however, I need to get out of here now. Silently, I get out and walk towards where my mother was, but I am pulled by a strong hand that wraps around my arm.
And panic resurfaces, taking over me, testing my heart and blood pressure.