09 — Catarina Rowedder
“Some nights we are closer than ever
Sometimes we're running out of space
When we're high, it can't get better
Until we go down again”
Love to lose — Sandro Cavazza feat Georgia Ku
Calm.
Breathe.
Inspire.
Don't freak out.
Not now!
With unknown courage, I turn to see who the person is, and finally relief arrives.
Holy crap! What a heart test.
— Calm down, girl, it's me. I need to give you a message.
— If... Sir... Sir... — I stammer, still recovering from the shock.
— Calm down, breathe, slowly — he instructs. — It is me. I would never hurt you, Catarina — continue to calm me down.
— Mr. Thomaz, I was afraid, not of you — I explain. — I just heard a very strange conversation, but luckily they didn't notice my presence. — I was still shaken by that.
— I know, I know, but take it easy — he reassures. — We'll do the following: when it's time to dance, you'll say that you're feeling unwell and need a few minutes, implying that you're going to the bathroom to compose yourself. — I nod my head in agreement. — Then you will change your clothes. I left what you need on the right counter.
— Ok.
— With that done, go down the south wing corridor, I'll wait for you near the office window, there's no movement there. The only concern is if someone decides to use the side exit door, but I believe it would be difficult.
— Okay, I can do it. — Sigh. — Then we continue as agreed? — I question.
— Yes, girl, don't forget, run without stopping until you reach the corner. A boy I trust completely will be waiting for you, you don't need to panic or be afraid of him, I know it's complicated, but he's here to help you — he says, with great conviction, encouraging me even more.
— All good. — I fix my eyes on his. — You've already helped me a lot and I don't even know how to thank you — I say affectionately.
— Be grateful by being happy, girl. Now go, as soon as I can I will find you. — He strokes my shoulder. — It'll work out, I'll be on the lookout for the garden — he says and heads in the opposite direction.
As I get closer, I can already see my mother and Otávio, I believe they were just waiting for me to continue this ridiculous party.
I'm not being selfish, or ungrateful, thinking this at this moment, but nothing here is real, there are no true feelings, it's all a big farce of a non—existent life.
I stand in front of them and listen, impatiently, to the speech that makes me anxious, leaving me truly unwell. I pretend to appreciate every word he spits out, to give the impression that I find everything beautiful and wonderful. At the moment Otávio talks about the opening dance, I approach them and whisper, with an exhausted tone of voice, letting them know that I'm not feeling well and I need a few minutes to compose myself.
My mother believes, because in situations like this I usually get nervous, it ends up attacking my stomach and then she explains to her husband that I'm telling the truth, while he analyzes me thoroughly, seeming to be suspicious of this situation, but agrees, ordering me to not delay.
I don't waste time going to the agreed location, closing the door immediately, speeding up without messing around, every second counts from now on.
I remove the dress and shoes, put them inside the black bag that was where Thomaz reported, then I put on a sweatshirt and hoodie and put on a pair of sneakers, which were left here strategically, after all running in high heels through the garden would be the same as failure, finally, I tie my hair in a bun and put on the hood.
That's it, Catarina! Your moment has come! Let's go Girl! — I think.
I take a deep breath and open the door a crack, to make sure the path is clear and luckily for me, so far everything is going well. I check that no one is there.
Not long now.
I go to the huge window, which is close to the office, giving me access to the garden, however I have the feeling that someone is watching me, but I don't have the courage to look to the side, leaving only this sensation that only makes the adrenaline rush. my body increases and my hands tremble.
I can't stop.
Not now.
I open the window, trying to make as little noise as possible, I climb up on the frame and jump the few centimeters that separate me from the floor, trying not to make any noise, I get up carefully without moving too much, I quickly look around, checking that there is no noise. security on that side. Now is the time to run, to get to the small, unused garden gate, as the main access gate is full of security guards and Thomaz is responsible for guarding this area.
When I'm close to my destination, I hear a voice shout:
— STOP! STAY WHERE YOU ARE! — My blood runs cold.
It's probably one of my stepfather's henchmen. In the state I'm in, I have zero conditions of identifying who it is and I don't even want to do that. I accelerate my steps, running even more, without stopping.
I will not stop.
No way.
Not even!
Breathe. Inspire. Don't freak out!
Soon I'm at the small gate, I open it easily, since the padlock that was here was removed and I continue my run to freedom, focusing on reaching the agreed place.
God help me, I promise not to make so many messes!
That the person didn't recognize me.
As soon as I approach the corner of the house, almost out of breath, I see a black car, parked close to the curb with the headlights off, it must be the person who will get me out of here, the passenger door opens, in a sudden movement.
— Come in, we need to go — an extremely deep voice says. — They are close.
I don't think, I don't look. I simply let my instinct guide me. Obeying without question.
I get in the car and it takes off, tires screeching, making me feel like I'm in the movie The Fast and the Furious. How crazy, in the midst of danger, I still imagine myself as a Hollywood star! Just me!
Taking a risk, I look back and realize that we have gained considerable distance. The only thing I can see from my house are the garden lights that reflect in the sky.
I start to feel short of breath, as if my airways had closed absurdly quickly, the adrenaline must be lowering, because I just realized that the stranger next to me hasn't said anything yet.
I need air.
I need it and I can't.
My pulse quickens again.
— Exhale and inhale slowly — he says, calmly, without taking his eyes off the highway. — I won't hurt you and, if I could, I would kill whoever dared to hurt you like that — in a strange way, his words calm me. — You're safe with me. In a few minutes we will arrive at our destination, don't worry, everything has already worked out — he adds as if he knew my life, my past, my soul. However, I can't answer. — You can talk to me. By the way, my name is Benício. Benicio Cooper. I'm Thomaz's son. — That's when I feel my shoulders relax.
He is the son of the man who helped me, so I am safe.
Thomaz never broke a promise and he wouldn't do it now, with his own son involved.
— Hey! I'm Catarina. — I respond shyly, as soon as my breathing normalizes a little, however I avoid looking at him, a little embarrassed and a little not knowing how to act.
— I know, my father has great affection for you. You are not alone. My mother will spend the next few days with you, we think a female figure is better. Because, as my mother says, we men are a little silly for some things, but I think she's wrong — he adds with a chuckle.
And it is precisely his laugh that drives me to see him.
Fucking shit!
He's huge.
Very large. Sir! One of his arms is bigger than both of mine combined!
It looks like those badass guys in romance books.
It would be quite an avatar.
Focus on your arms and romances, Nina! — I reproach myself, shaking my head.
I look at his face, analyzing his physiognomy, which indicates a serious, centered and even rigid man, perhaps mysterious. It's probably because I work with my father, but he gives me a lot of peace of mind. I believe that if I didn't know that he was Thomaz's son, my first reaction would be to run away, because he doesn't have the stereotype that he smiles all the time.
Are you married? Did he suffer for love?
Maybe it's closed because the woman he found himself madly in love with, married someone else, maybe he was abandoned at the altar, there are so many theories...
Here I go to create some fanfics about the unknown man named Benício. No, no wild theories, I'd better leave that for some future reading, after all, at some point I'll find a bookstore.
Books were my best companions, I would even say best friends, thinking about it. Maybe it's a step, making a human friend this time shouldn't be so difficult and this way I can overcome some things that I have difficulty with.
— I thank you with all my heart — I responded to your previous comment — but I don't want to bother you — I use my sincerity. — Your father has already done so much for me, I don't even know how to repay so much affection and for him putting himself at risk to save me.
— Catarina, believe me, I see different situations in my daily life, you just can't let bad things consume you. — Sigh. — Look, I'm not the best person for advice, but the moment we focus on the “bad” part, so to speak, we forget what actually makes us happy — he explains. — No matter how complicated it is, work on your mind, seek help, if necessary, but don't focus on your traumas, focus on yourself, on the woman you want to become, have that as your first objective. If you want, of course. — He opens a half smile, which softens his expression. — It's quite cliché, but it's that thing that the past cannot have decision—making power in your future.
I can't deny that he left me reflective, in addition to seeming to understand human tragedies, because I felt as if he spoke with knowledge of the cause.
And with that, what my Yolanda taught me gained even more meaning.
“Never let bad situations turn you into a pit of darkness, be the light that stays on, no matter how difficult it is.”
— I was left speechless — I reply, because even though I don't know how to engage in a normal dialogue with anyone, I really found myself thinking too much.
— You don't need to be afraid, I say this for your good. You know, we often think too much and even blame ourselves for certain situations, but you were just a child, when everything changed overnight — pauses for a moment and continues: — I have a friend who, unfortunately, didn't have a beautiful childhood, you know? — I nod my head in agreement. — But one day, he had an angel who saved him and, even when he could have lost himself in the darkness he was already in and many children in his situation sink, as it is the only means of survival, my friend grabbed the opportunity that life gave him, in the case of changing, of being better and having a life. — Benício reports with latent admiration his friend's experience — What I want to tell you is that: anyone is capable of changing, you just need to choose which path to follow and most importantly, you want this change. There's no point in having a support network, therapy and such things, if we don't know how to accept that we need help and really want to go in search of it.
— Our. — I let out a breath of air and continued: — I'm sorry, for him. — I ponder for a moment, but I find the courage to talk about myself. — I have some crises, they give me a feeling of not being able to breathe, my legs become immobile, my heart races, it all depends, but the triggers that activate this are usually simple male touches. — Deep breath. — And then, my only alternative is to get in a car, in the middle of the night with an unknown man and when the penny drops, it kind of scares me — I dump it at once.
— Very understandable.
— I trust your father, I wasn't afraid when he told me that someone I trusted would be waiting for me, but I don't know, I think it was inevitable, I'm sorry. — I look at my hands.
— You don't need to apologize, Catarina. I really understand — he replies.
— You seem to be very sincere, there is no malice when you speak, I think that calmed me down — I comment, randomly.
— My father probably didn’t say that “someone” was his son, am I right? — I confirm. — That's his way of acting, in addition to indirectly helping you. — I look at him confused. — In this case, being alone with me, whether you want to or not, is a huge step towards regaining confidence, both in yourself and in others. After all, not everyone is an idiot. It is by taking one step at a time that things return to normal and everything in its own time.
My big problem. Trust.
— You seem to understand a lot about the subject — I say, now curious to know what he does for a living.
— Maybe it's because I've seen a lot of horrible things out there. — He shrugs as if it were no big deal. — But let's change this melancholy subject. — Smile. — Which course did you graduate from? — he asks.
— Architecture and Urbanism. I intended to do engineering, like my father, but the visual part always held me back — I say, wistfully. — I've always liked designing, drawing, following step by step and especially transforming — I respond enthusiastically. — I hope, one day, to use all this knowledge.
— Lesson number two today: you always have two options, which are, wait until an opportunity comes to you, which may never happen, or the other is to go after what you want. In this case, if you want to be an architect and work with this, just go for it.
— That's a very real theory of yours — I say, smiling. — I just think I need to wait for all this turmoil to pass before I find a job.
— For sure.
— Changing the subject, do you know what I have to do in the next few days, where am I going? I didn't bother to know that and now I realize that from now on, I have no idea what's going to happen — I comment.
— Yes, I know, but we will talk to you tomorrow. For today, there was a lot of information already. — I smile in agreement.
They may have already noticed my absence at the party and if that happened, I mentally ask myself what my mother must be thinking and how she is emotionally. I focused so much on getting away that I didn't worry about what would happen there after all, or what excuse they would give.
Benício parks the car in front of an exposed brick building, with dark metal balconies, I would say a very old building, apparently, but as there is not much lighting to allow me to observe the details, I leave that for another time, my question Now we need to know which neighborhood we are in.
— We are not Queens — he responds, as if he could read my mind. — Very far away and hidden, there's no way they can find you here, avoid going out for the next few days, as well as keeping your distance from the windows — he comments and opens the car door, I do the same.
We headed towards the entrance of the building, which has four floors. The neighborhood seems to be quiet, from what little I could observe.
We walked side by side, climbing the stairs, until we reached the second floor. If I counted correctly, my perception must not be the best today.
— We’re here, you can come in. — The man opens the apartment door, letting me in. — It's simple but comfortable and I think you'll feel good here.
I nod silently and take cautious steps into the small apartment. It's nothing compared to the house where I lived, however, I don't need more than that to live.
The living room is cozy, with a spacious sofa, an industrial—style bookshelf with a huge TV, as well as some books, which really attracted me. Next to the window that has beautiful light curtains, there is a vase with plants, giving a certain freshness to the room.
— Come, I'll show you everything, in a little while my mother will arrive and you'll have a woman to talk to — he says, laughing, heading towards what I believe to be the kitchen.
The room is compact, but very well designed and suits an apartment like this, it has a vintage feel, with a decor that makes it look like it would appear on the cover of a magazine, giving it a touch of elegance with modern appliances in black tones.
I love decorations, it's definitely one of my passions and this place was created by someone who has the gift for it.
He continues showing me where everything I might need is, the cupboards are stocked with different types of food, making me mentally question whether anyone lives here.
— Can you answer me something? — I ask, a little shy, but very curious.
—Whatever you want.
— Does anyone live here? I don't want to cause trouble, but this apartment doesn't look unoccupied.
— Don't worry, no one lives permanently here. — Lean on the counter. — I use it when I don't feel like staying at home, to spend time alone.
— It's all beautiful. You have good taste — I say, admired. — I'm not invading your privacy, then?
— No, Catarina, it's not, because I won't be spending much time in the city, so use it as yours. And about the decoration, actually, thank my mother, she was the decorator who did this work. — Laughs. — Believe me, if I had decorated this here, I think it would only have a fridge with beers and canned goods, a bed and a video game. All I need. — I give a slight smile. — Come on, I'll show you the room and the bathroom. — At the same time, I brake and he notices. — Or, who knows, I'll leave it to my mother, she'll show you, I'll make you some coffee, maybe? — changes the focus of the subject.
— Sorry, it's nothing to do with you. — I try to explain myself, but I can't.
— Catarina, everything is fine. I respect your fears and I hope we can be good friends, nothing bad will happen to you under our protection, we will be here with you for whatever you need.
— Thanks.
— Let's have a coffee and wait for Ms. Sarah, in this case, my mother — I confirm.
He doesn't say anything, he just starts to pick up everything to make the coffee, I sit on the stool, leaning on the counter that serves to divide the integrated environments, living room and kitchen and I wait, a few minutes later he hands me a cup and the smell is wonderful.
— It's the best I can do... — he starts to speak, but is interrupted by a feminine and loving voice.
— Son. Ah, there you are! — A blonde lady comes towards us.
She hugs her son as if she hasn't seen him in a long time and then wraps me in a long hug. This surprises me, in a good way, it gives me the feeling of being welcomed, cared for, immediately, it reminds me of my mother and without me being able to control it, the tears involuntarily fall silently down my face.
— Cry, my girl, relieve this pain that suffocates you. I'm here with you. — She caresses my back, her words bring immense comfort to my heart. — Your mother will be fine and Thomaz will be here soon, don't worry.
— Thank you, ma'am.
— Oh, dear, no lady, I feel like a ninety—year—old woman, just Sarah.
— Thank you again, Sarah... I don't know how to thank you for everything you're doing for me.
— Well, I'll leave you alone, see if I can find Dom and the guys... I'll come by tomorrow to see how you are — Benício says, already heading towards the exit. — Lock the door, the father is already coming — he orders, practically from outside.
Mrs. Sarah does what her son asked and then invites me to see the bedroom and bathroom, then I notice that there is probably one more room where she will stay.
— Nina, can I call you that? — I agree. — Then don't worry, we'll be here with you. My son, despite being huge and a little scary, has a gigantic heart, you will get along well and I will help you get rid of those bad thoughts, my angel. You are an extremely strong woman. Now, come, let's rest. Thomaz and I will spend the night here with you, tomorrow morning we will talk — he says, as we head to the next room. — This is your room. I took the liberty of buying some things for today and tomorrow. I hope you feel well, there is a bathroom at that door, with all the items you will need, take a shower and relax. — Smile — I'll bring you some tea, I'll leave it here on the bedside table. Anything, just call us. You need to rest, you've had an exhausting day.
— All good. — I thank you with a hug. I head to the suite's bath, thinking about how life is putting wonderful people in my path.
It will be a new beginning.
Destiny is giving me a new opportunity.
And as Benício said, I have to want change and that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to grab this opportunity tooth and nail.
Today, a new woman was born.
A new Catarina.