17 — Catarina Rowedder
"I do not know the reason
But every time I look into your eyes
I see thousands of shooting stars”
My only one — Sebastian Yátra
— YOU WHAT?! — Benício practically shouts, after several minutes of silence.
I think I spilled too much information at once, but he wanted to know and I told him. I expected reactions from him such as: laughing, cursing, showing any reaction, but after finishing my story, including telling him that I touched each other for the first time, after all, we are brothers and there is no reason to have secrets, he remained static, literally.
Obviously I didn't tell him the smallest details, I exchanged some information, for example, saying that I wanted to get to know my body better, discover myself as a woman, whether he believed me, I don't know, however, he remained in a piercing silence, with fixed eyes, without expression , until he woke up from the trance, almost shouting in my ear.
— Bear, breathe. Do you want me to explain again everything I experienced while you were away? — I make a very angelic face.
— Cum! No! Fuck! — He runs his hand wildly through his hair, which I find funny.
—Then calm down and explain to me the reason for this attack.
— First, young lady, don't make that angel face, because at the moment, I have my doubts as to whether there isn't a little devil hiding in there. — He sighs, looking into my eyes. — Second, you took me by surprise, think with me, what would your reaction be if you were in my place, and then, the girl you adopted as a sister and would protect to hell, starts telling you about her days, not happy with the work x home routine, with a clean face, says “Ah! And I had my first orgasm in the shower today” — he says, ironically.
— Huh, you wanted to know! I told you! — I say, controlling my laughter.
— What did I get myself into, holy hell! — He passes his hands over his face. — I'll tell you one thing, young lady, don't think that now you'll be able to go around making fun of any grown man that comes along, rest assured that I'll cut their dicks off with the greatest pleasure in the world. — He looks at me fixedly, implying that he would really do that.
— And how am I going to lose my virginity?! Vibrator? — I decided to test his patience.
— What a mess I got myself into! God, I wanted a sister, but could I have sent one who had all the screws in her head?! — he dramatizes looking at the ceiling. — Let's leave the subject of virginity for another time, just let my reasoning normalize.
The Bear is a jealous brother!
And I'm loving it!
— Now, big man, some explanations. — I smile. — I didn't look like an angel, I'm an angel. — The way is to relax. — And, for your information, I'm not going to go looking for someone random to lose my virginity, whenever it happens, it will be with someone I trust when I'm sure about it and, preferably, someone who has feelings involved. — I'm not so sure about that last part, but it's necessary to calm him down. — And before I forget, for your information, studies indicate that female masturbation is healthy and, in addition to women becoming aware of themselves, this practice reduces anxiety, improves sleep and can even alleviate cramps and pain. — I see him arch his eyebrow.
— Okay, I understand, sorry for my shock, but I don't want an idiot to hurt you or not value the great woman you are. Let's just agree on one thing, don't tell me every time you cum, that's embarrassing. — I let out a huge laugh. — Did you find it funny, young lady?
— Very. — I keep laughing. — Let's agree on the following, if you want, I can not tell you anything or just tell you new experiences, what do you think?
— Oh, you'll tell me, yes. We are a duo and, no matter how scared I was, I am always here to help you. I prefer you to come to me and clarify your doubts rather than with strangers. And, before you ask me, don't even think that I'm going to take you to a sex shop. That's out of the question.
— Sex shop? — I see his confused face. — Beni, I would never ask for that, I don't even know what one is like. — I omit the fact that, now, I'm curious.
Research of the night: find out more about sex shops, because this is actually a completely new subject for me.
— Remember what I said, there is nothing interesting in a place like that. — Dodge. — I think that's enough of this weird conversation for today. Help me go to my room? You need to rest too, after all, there's work tomorrow, right?
— Right, Bear. — I help him until he's settled in bed. — Your mother will probably be here, after accompanying me to the company, so take the opportunity to be pampered. In the evening, we will play, I haven't forgotten that we have a match to finish.
— Get ready to lose, little sister. Now, go rest. See you tomorrow.
— Good night, big guy! — I say goodbye, eager to get to the room and use my trusty Google companion.
I leave the bedroom door ajar, if by chance Benício wakes up or needs help in the middle of the night, that way, I'll be able to hear him immediately.
I settle down between the covers and pillows, taking my cell phone and going in search of my curiosity. I open the browser page and type “sex shop” in the search field and, wow, so much information. I start reading the description, what it is and how it works, I basically click on a link, apparently a store's website. In terms of environment, the store is clean as if it were a convenience store, however, the product catalog is totally different!
I scan the various information that appears, until a page catches my attention, presenting accessories that allow women to feel pleasure alone and with lots of vibrators.
Well, you can never have too much knowledge, today was a huge kick, so why not keep exploring, right? Okay, Catarina. Play! — I say in my head.
I'm surprised by the number of products and one in specific intrigues me a lot. Not because of what it can provide, but because of its aesthetics.
Who would use something like that? — I ask mentally and immediately blame myself: — Do not judge a book by its cover.
Anyway, there must be a taste for everything in this life, however, a pink vibrator, shaped like a pig, with a penis is, to say the least, funny. Not to say it's tragic.
However, as I said, until then I would never be able to think about using a vibrator, let alone one shaped like a pig. How crazy! I analyze some more products, I don't even know why since I won't be using them anytime soon, but I confess, I'm curious to test some things. As I read the instructions for use, the benefits and everything that appears on the website, I start to feel sleepy and I decide to continue with the research the next day, after all, it's been very interesting.
I place my cell phone next to the pillows, because I need to hear the alarm clock, and I can already feel my eyelids closing.
“I'm walking through a flower garden, with several yellow tulips, when strong arms hug me from behind, but I don't feel terror, but security.
Even though I don't know where I am or who the stranger is hugging me, the scent that surrounds us is very familiar.
— Now that I found you again and I know that you are real, nothing will separate us anymore. I will protect you with my life, my love.
I'm sure I recognize the voice and the way of speaking. I need to see the face of someone who gives me so much comfort and love, however, when I am about to free myself from the strong affectionate grip, a flash hits me along with a…”
I jump out of bed, listening to the shrill sound of my alarm clock, my heart racing. I face the light of the early hours of the day invading my room and I think about the most real dream I've ever had.
How can someone find me again, call me my love, say they will protect me, if I haven't even given a kiss in this life?
I have to be delusional, that's for sure!
The best thing I can do right now is start getting ready. In a little while Mrs. Sarah will arrive to accompany me and I can't even imagine how anxious she must be looking forward to being with her son. I understand her very well, because I really wanted to have my mother with me.
Today, I will ask them if there is any way to get her out of that house.
The doorbell rings at the exact moment I'm about to take the first sip of my coffee, leaving it aside to answer the door.
— Good morning, Nina! How was your night? Did Beni give you trouble? — Sarah enters, already filling me with questions. — I'm sorry for not telling you about this yesterday, I didn't want you to worry, finally, I thought he would stay with us, after the scare. I should have known he'd want to stay here.
— Good morning. Well. And no. — I look at your confused expression. — I spent the night very well and my Bear didn't bother me, I think. We had productive conversations regarding the female body. — His expression of astonishment is comical. — Ah, he's my brother, as he says, so I told him some things that happened. I just think it was a lot of information. My Bear was literally speechless — I say, laughing as I remember the scene. — And that's okay, for not mentioning it to me. I want you to know that just as you are helping me, I will be here to give back too.
— Well, first thing, I want to know everything, young lady and second, I would pay to be a fly and see you having this conversation with my son. — Starts laughing. — Now, finish your coffee, so we can go to the company. Then I'll go back and see how that stubborn guy is doing.
I do as she asks and take the opportunity to brush my teeth, while Sarah deals with the mess I left in the kitchen. I put on my heels, feeling beautiful.
After all, I'll meet that wonderful man again.
No.
I didn't think about that!
Come back to earth, Catarina!
I can only laugh at this situation, I've never had these thoughts and, since yesterday, they have been dominating my mind, as if it were even possible, however... It shouldn't be something completely impossible.
One step at a time, because many women solve their problems alone, I don't need a man to bring me more insecurity or lose the little security I gained during these weeks.
How can I think of so many random things in such a short amount of time? — I question myself.
I must not be normal.
Definitely.
— Sarah, I'm ready — I say finding her in the living room.
— Let's go. Today I will ask Thomaz to meet you at the exit, okay? When you arrive, I'll take advantage and go home with him.
— Of course, but I think I can try to come alone now.
— Better not, my girl. Let's go little by little.
— It's okay — I agree, after all, she acts in such a maternal way, that I'm not going to contradict her and cause more concern.
The journey to the company is extremely fun, Ms. Sarah can't believe it when I tell her about the intimate and revealing conversation I had with her son, but she thinks it's great that I opened up to someone. In her perception, in relation to what I experienced and what I am going through in this new adaptation, having this bond of trust with Benício only strengthens the idea that my fear is due to just one person.
There is no reason to generalize and believe that bad behavior is something common to all men, no matter how complicated it is, I need to allow myself to live life's experiences.
Sarah repeats several times how much she would have liked to see her son's reaction along the way and highlights the fact that he always asked for a sister, to love and protect, even after knowing that there was no way his parents could give him what he so desperately wanted. .
This can only be something of fate. Just like in the books...
Upon entering the design room, I settle down at my desk, forget everything around me and focus on the plant that I should have studied at home. With each passing minute, the most diverse ideas emerge for family bungalows, the part that enchanted me the most. I make the necessary calculations and in a new plant, I start designing the changes I have designed.
Time flies by and before I know it, it's already lunch time. I grab my bag and head to John's bar. Besides being wonderful and fun company, the food is amazing.
As soon as I enter the place, I see John at the counter, with a smile on his face.
— Hi, John.
— Hello, pretty lady. How are you?
— Right now, hungry and waiting for Chef John to serve me something. — I decided to join in the fun.
—Then sit down and wait. I have a delicious dish for you. — He left, giving a little wink.
I can't help but notice how beautiful a man he is, after all, looking doesn't take away anything and, since yesterday, I've been feeling open to discovering more about these incredible sensations. My imagination never stopped searching and the internet will certainly be a great ally for my curiosities. Furthermore, I believe that today's consultation with the psychologist will do me a lot of good.
John brings me back to reality the moment he approaches and I can already smell the magnificent smell of the food.
— Ready, my beautiful client. A shrimp risotto. I want your opinion, to decide whether to add it to the menu.
— Look, this way I'll start to feel important.
— You know, Catarina, we are all important to someone, at some point, and that sadness that I see in your eyes will eventually go away. Just trust.
I remain static, because his words give me immense peace, at the same time that they awaken the feeling that he knows me more than I imagine.
Am I really that transparent?
— Don't dwell there. I only learned over time that someone's eyes say a lot about them, especially having a business where I see people all the time. Besides, I'd be surprised at how many stories I've been told at this counter here, while stuffing their faces. — I laughed softly.
— Wow, you're really good. I didn't imagine that the sadness I carry would be so visible.
— And it's not, but I'm very observant. I know something happened to you and, even though you've only known me for a short time, you can have a friend in me, someone to talk to. Putting it out there is better than just hiding it.
— It would be great, but even with so much sympathy, you're still a man and a stranger, John. — I reveal what I feel, in the most direct and sincere way I can.
— Learn just one thing, young lady. Don't generalize based on old experiences, not everyone is the same. In fact, each person is unique in their own way. And believe me, that person who hurt you will one day suffer the consequences. Law of return, you know? everything that goes around comes around one day.
“Now I'm starting to get scared,” I joke. — You seem to read my mind... Do you have some supernatural gift and I don't know?
— I wish I did, but unfortunately, I'm just a normal, single guy with a heart like melted butter — he says, getting closer. — But that's our secret, okay?
— Okay, sir, sympathy. — I smile. — Now, I'm going to devour this risotto, which looks great.
While I enjoy lunch, John, my newest friend — at least in my head — tells me a little about his life story and everything he's been through in his thirty—five years.
I must admit, I almost didn't believe it, because I would give him at most twenty—eight years of age, the guy is handsome, as well as having a light conversation, the typical good guy in books.
How naughty is this, Catarina?
As soon as I finish, I let him know that the dish is more than approved for the bar menu and he thanks me, letting me know that he will wait for me tomorrow for a new experiment. I wouldn't refuse a free lunch, especially in such good company.
I left there with a spirit that I hadn't felt in a long time. I'm much lighter, everything he said was like an injection of joy, and it also seemed to lift a huge weight off my shoulders, one that I had no idea I was carrying.
? The afternoon flew by, literally.
I finalize some points of the project and others I leave only to myself, I first need to know your opinion about what I have so far. I want to be a little cautious, depending on whether or not my proposals are accepted, I will have more confidence to make more guesses, I don't want to give the impression that I'm too stuck up. And based on what Norah told me, we will have a meeting the next day with the team together, to discuss this.
I arrive at reception, memorizing tomorrow's topics, when I find Sarah waiting for me. Strange, since I was waiting for Thomaz.
— Hi Sarah. Everything is fine? I ask, hugging her.
— Hi, my dear, I just arrived. Thomaz had some things to resolve, but we'll talk about that later. — Get off topic. — Shall we go to the appointment? — I say, silently, yes.
As we leave the company, she tells me about how she met Dr. Lynn and the wonderful work she does and it reminds me of my mom.
— I know you probably don't know much about the subject, but do you have any news about my mother? I ask, feeling my chest tighten.
— Not much, basically, what Thomaz tells us, but have faith, my dear, everything will soon be resolved.
The office is close to the company, which will be great for when I can come alone. I finally want to know that everything is over, so I can guarantee my independence.
When we enter the place, I reach for my document and the receptionist asks me to wait a moment.
— Let's sit there. Nina, take as much time as you need, I'll be here, waiting for you.
— Thank you, I... — I sigh. — I don't know how to thank you for all the love you give me.
— Be grateful by not giving up.
— Catarina, you can pass.
I turn to the half—open door and see a beautiful woman, with shoulder—length dark hair and a calm face. I follow her. I need to follow.
— Hi, I'm Lynn. Come in and sit there, please. — Indicates a comfortable chair. — So, what do you think today? We just get to know each other a little and have a conversation between possible friends?
— Without outbursts and tragedies? — I question, a little surprised.
— Yes, if I get to know you, I will be able to help you better, but I want you to know that here, you will only talk about what you feel comfortable with and the main thing, when you want. I'm not here to judge, but rather to help.
With that, I immediately sympathize with her. The conversation flows so well that I feel as if I've known her for a long time.
In fact, I even tell you a few things that make me reticent. I also talk about my experience and about opening up to Beni and, in her eyes, I was only capable of that, because accepting and wanting to overcome obstacles is the first step to be taken towards overcoming and changing, and I am succeeding.
The fact that I opened up to Urs?o proves that my brain knows how to differentiate and accept the situations I've been through, with those that are emerging in my new phase, just like having lunch at John's. In other words, as she herself said:
“When you have willpower, regardless of the means you use, the person is capable of helping themselves, even before undergoing therapy, the first step is for the person to want to overcome.”
— Well, I think that for today, you did very well. I won't schedule the next session, I want you to go home, think about today and if you want to return, it will be your choice, okay? Everything is about you and your choices.
— All good. I can say that I will return, I felt good here. — I'm honest, because it really was better than I expected.
We hugged goodbye and told Sarah we could go. As she left her car in the company parking lot, we will go there and then head home.
I'm tired, I need to take a shower and take off this wig, I still haven't gotten completely used to it.
— I thought you weren't coming anymore. I've slept, I've talked to my father, I've played video games alone and the pretty ones out there. It's past your time, isn't it? — I barely open the door and the big guy is already grumbling.
— Hello, my dear big Bear. Missed me? — I joke, to see if the mood improves.
— Mom came here in the afternoon to help me, but I was worried. She only let me know that they were in the office a little before leaving. — I feel your palpable concern. Finally, I take off my wig, leaving it with my bag on the sideboard next to the door and go to meet him.
— Okay, I'm here. — I hug him very tightly. — Choose what we will have for dinner and play. I'm just going to take a shower.
— I already ordered pizza and allowed the delivery man to go up. — I look intrigued. — It's the pizzeria I always order from. — He walks away — Really, you need a bath, I'm here beautiful and fragrant and you, a little pig.
I throw a pillow in his direction while bursting into laughter, remembering my research, modest or not, from the previous night just because he mentioned “piggy”, while I remove my wig and leave it on the sideboard in the living room.
I get to the room and go straight to the shower, I remove my contact lenses, as always feeling relieved, they don't bother me as much now, but today my eyes were burning, perhaps because I had worn them for longer than usual, I tie up my hair in a bun and I let the water calm me down, but today, don't delay, there's still the pizza, which should be arriving soon.
I'm in my bathrobe, looking for my pajamas, when I hear the doorbell ring and at the same moment Beni screams from the living room.
— The pizza has arrived! — My only option is to go anyway.
— Have you already paid, at least? — I question.
— Yes, what the hell! Couldn't you wear clothes to suit it? — he says grimly.
— There was no time, you hungry bastard.
When I open the door, I come across a man holding a huge pizza box and my only thought is:
My Our Lady of Wet Panties!
My. Our. Madam. Das. Panties. Wet!
It can not be.
This is not happening.