Chapter 9 #3
Deep down, I know it’s selfish. I lived in California. I know how serious wildfires are. People’s lives are at risk. They’re losing their homes. And with a firefighter for a brother, I should be more prepared for this kind of scenario.
But I can’t help how I feel. I found Nolan what feels like only five minutes ago. I barely just arrived in Belmont. And now they’re sending him to SoCal, where I just fucking came from? What kind of sick universal irony is this?
“They can’t,” I sputter. “They’re just treating you like property, sending you without even asking you? I can’t believe this.”
Nolan’s gaze is steady, crestfallen yet unapologetic. “They didn’t order me. I volunteered.”
Words leave me. I don’t know what to say. I should be proud. Supportive. Everything Jessica is for Apollo.
But I’m me. I’m not Jess. And for the first time, I’m actually scared of what might happen. Hearing about Nolan dealing with that rogue detective android, thinking about him being taken by TerraPura was frightening. But this?
“How long ago did you volunteer?” I ask quietly.
Nolan looks away, then down, then back at me. “Shortly after we met.”
“Oh.” It’s impossible to ignore how this stings.
My shoulders sag a little. What can I say?
Of course, Nolan has his own priorities, and we never expected to be caught up in a whirlwind romance like the one we’re in.
Of course, his life has to go on too, independent of me.
I’m reassured, in the most disappointing way, that I was right to hold back on confessing my feelings.
“I hope you know it’s okay to tell me these things. ”
“Honestly, it wasn’t on my mind at all until I got the call. I didn’t get confirmation I’d be departing until this morning.”
“Departing when?”
“Tomorrow afternoon.”
“Okay.” Deep breaths, Mia. This isn’t goodbye. This is just . . . the job, for Nolan. This wouldn’t happen normally, but he’s the only fire bionic of his kind right now. He’s needed. I can’t fault him for that. Who could? “So, when are you coming back?”
Nolan gazes intently into my eyes, expression somber. “I don’t know. Maybe until things are under control again. I’m not sure how long that’ll be. Hopefully soon.”
Settling myself down is difficult, but I give it my best shot, trying not to look him in the eye. His voice is gentle, trying to grasp my attention and bring it back. “Mia.”
“It’s okay. I get it.” I wave it off. “No big deal.”
“Mia.” Nolan takes my hand and pulls me in. “It is a big deal. For me. And I realize it’s not what you had in mind when we started dating.”
I’m trying to cool myself down. Be aloof. I can do that, right? Don’t care so much, dial it back. But with Nolan, it’s impossible. “What do you mean?”
There’s a resolve in his voice that I can’t help but respect.
“This is something I was meant to do. This is a part of my programming. The other guys talk of callings and passions and feeling it in your bones, what you’re made to do.
I am literally made for this. I know it’s a lot.
And I don’t want to hurt you or make you wait around for me to come back.
If you can’t handle it, please tell me now.
For this to work, you have to be on board.
There’s no retiring from this. Not for me. Not anytime soon.”
I don’t know how to respond to him. There’s so much emotion boiling up inside me.
Uncertainty, fear, disappointment. I’m scared if he leaves I’ll never see him again.
I don’t like that feeling. Fires are similar to androids programmed to go crazy.
They’re unpredictable, and they’re impossible to stop.
“You’re upset,” Nolan says softly, touching my face.
That word doesn’t begin to cover how I’m feeling. Not anger, not annoyance. A punch to the gut would’ve been kinder. “It’s a lot for me to take in.”
“I know we haven’t been dating for long, but I thought it best to be direct.”
“Honesty is the best policy. Your words,” I agree weakly.
His calm demeanor is cracking. His brow is furrowed, the concern in his eyes plain.
“I hope you understand. The other guys risk their lives. It’s not fair that I don’t risk mine.
” He moves his hands when he talks, something Apollo does, something he’s picked up that makes him all the more human.
“I’m practically immortal, Mia. One upload to the cloud, and I can be put in a new body if it’s damaged beyond repair.
Can Apollo and the others do that? They need me.
I can protect people. How can I stand by and do nothing while they’re out there, risking everything? ”
“You don’t have to convince me,” I reply, rubbing my arm as I put distance between us for my own sake.
I dove right into this without asking questions, and now I’m close to reeling from the possibilities of what could happen.
I’m worried about him. I’m worried about me.
I’m worried that for once, I’m on the receiving end of, this was fun, but . . .
But he’s still here. Reining in my insecurities, I compose myself and nod. “Of course, you should go. It would be selfish if you didn’t.”
There’s tension in Nolan’s face as he runs his hand over his head. He seems restless, unsure. Worried, the way he shifts on his feet. The corners of his mouth twitch slightly down. The silence between us hovers uncomfortably as I search for something—anything—to say.
“Nolan, I’m—thank you for the date,” I manage, and suddenly all I want to do is run away, hide in my room, think about anything else but this. “I should probably be getting home.”
“Mia.” Nolan reaches for me, touches my arms. I stiffen. And when he senses that, he immediately lets me go. “I still want to see where this goes. So long as that’s what you want too. So . . . do you?”
My mind is swimming and my mouth is dry, voice cracking. “Well, I—I’m not sure.”
Nolan looks as though I just stabbed him. I try to explain myself. “I just wasn’t expecting this today. I wish you would’ve told me when you volunteered. Just so that I could prepare myself. It’s a lot to think about. I just—I need some time to process.”
“I see.” He’s trying to be neutral, but there’s a touch of hurt behind his words. And it’s ripping me apart. “Well—thank you, for being honest.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, not wanting to leave, while also not wanting him to go.
“I guess I won’t waste any more of your time,” Nolan says with a finality that destroys any hope I have. To him, I don’t know might as well mean never.
I’ve said the wrong things. And it’s too late for me to take it back.
“Nolan,” I begin, wishing and willing myself to make this right, but another part of me is too shocked, too hurt to try. “You were never a waste of time.”
He doesn’t acknowledge that, scratching his cheek and avoiding my eyes. “Come on. I’ll walk you to your car.”
I follow him in dejected silence. I can’t think straight at all. It’s only by some miracle I’m not giving into my desire to cry. This isn’t how I pictured our date ending. I hadn’t pictured any end at all, period. And now, I feel like the biggest idiot in New Carnegie.
Was Apollo right? Was the “no dating family” rule there for a reason? Was I a fool to think I was impervious to it, that it couldn’t apply to Nolan and me?
I just don’t know anymore.