A Streetcar Named Desire
Once again, Anna sleeps poorly. Having spent the entirety of her life as an easy sleeper, she struggles to come to terms with this change. She has always been one of those whose head hits the pillow and is asleep in minutes. Despite witnessing intense trauma as a medic through the pandemic, she has still benefited from deep, untroubled sleep.
It can’t just be jetlag. She has crossed the world often enough, heading both east and west. There is always a short period of adaptation, but a single day cycle has always been sufficient to reset her body clock before. Lying in the comfortable hotel bed, she tries to figure out why she is so discombobulated.
This reflection, also, is new to her. Anna has never fancied herself a deep character, full of layers. If she is hungry, she eats. If she is sad, she cries. If she is horny, she has sex. She has no hidden insecurities. She is beautiful, she is clever, and she is loved. And she knows all of these things. She is confident in herself and her abilities. When she has failed to win a race or save a patient, she is certain she has performed to the best of her considerable abilities. She understands that others sometimes struggle with self-doubt, and she could point to her colleagues and identify those who are thus afflicted, but she has never experienced it herself.
She has no fanciful fears. She is not afraid of the dark or monsters under the bed. She dislikes rats and snakes but figures this is entirely justified. Rats carry disease and snakes are dangerous. There is nothing neurotic about her dislike. It is reasonable and sensible.
In short, Anna is the most well-adjusted person she knows. Even in her family, she can identify each person’s weakness. Her father was plainly scarred by having a cold and unloving mother. Her mother is a poor judge of character, overly swayed by good looks. It is a miracle they ended up together. Eleanor worries about her epilepsy and her fitness to inherit the Larkford Estate. Jasmine, the typical middle child, has always struggled for attention. She feels herself the black sheep of the family, but in truth, that position belongs to Phoebe, and Phoebe knows it. So Phoebe exerts her dominance over her twin, Lily. And Lily allows it because she is too scared to live a life without her twin.
Anna, though, has sailed through life. She has talent and direction. Unlike many who do not find theirs until late in life, Anna found hers before she had even begun to consider her future. She had been witness to Eleanor’s first full-blown seizure when they were out on the estate, walking to the post office and a mile from home. Even as a child, Anna was good in a crisis. As Eleanor dropped and started twitching, Anna’s quick mind figured out she needed help. With no mobile signal, she had mentally sorted through the occupants of the nearest houses, and had picked the one most likely to be home and most likely to be of use. Anna had run for Mrs Winter, who, by an odd quirk of fate, was now Eleanor’s mother-in-law. While Mrs Winter had stayed with Eleanor, Anna had returned to the Winters’ cottage and called the emergency services using their landline. She had also called the Hall for a message to be sent to her mother to let her parents know what was happening. Then she had locked up the house and headed to the road to guide the paramedics to Eleanor.
As she rode in the ambulance beside her sister, with Mrs Winter as the nominal adult, Anna watched the calm professionalism of the paramedics. Until that point, Anna and her siblings had been a robustly healthy bunch. Visits to the doctor had been restricted to inoculations. But this incident had revealed another world, one where scrubs-clad heroes held sway. Where the human body was revealed as a frail, accident-prone thing. Anna was fascinated. Although she was removed from the hospital as soon as her parents arrived, the seed had already taken root. From that day on, Anna knew what she wanted to do. At school, she was focused. She had a goal. She knew medicine was highly competitive. Even with her natural intelligence, she could not guarantee a place at a top medical school without effort.
But she was also a teenager with raging hormones. Although her tolerance for bullshit was low, still, an occasional guy would stray across her path, who piqued her interest. It did not take her long to establish that feeling of interest was lust and lust was easily slaked. She did not indulge in any fantasies, write a name in a heart, or daydream about a wedding day. To her, dating was much like trying on a pair of jeans. If they chaffed, were loose in the wrong places or short in the leg, she moved on to a new pair. After a while, with nothing fitting quite right, she became less keen to try on anything. Deeper emotional entanglements had eluded her. There had been two men she had considered for longer relationships. One had left for a placement and never returned. Another had found her brand of brusqueness too hard to endure. He had found a woman with softer edges and jumped ship.
In both cases, the speed with which she’d recovered indicated she had not truly been deeply attached to either of them. Anna had come to the conclusion that she was not made for love. And that is okay. It is the way she is. She is happy; she is fulfilled. She doesn’t look at Eleanor’s happiness with Jacob Winter and feel envy. Anna is pleased for them, but there is nothing about Eleanor’s life she wants. Eleanor loves Larkford Hall, their family home, and is content to dedicate her life to filling the family coffers, caretaking the ancient buildings and (probably) building a family with the man who had captured her heart. Anna prefers city life and having no one relying on her but the medical teams and patients with whom she works. In her life, no one makes her feel guilty for forging her own path.
With thirty hovering just over the horizon, Anna is happy with her life. A meaningful career, a plethora of friends and always the support of her family. Childlessness doesn’t horrify her. The prospect of being the fun, adored auntie is quite attractive – able to dip into children’s lives and enjoy the laughs and cuddles but give them back when they became fractious or demanding. In short, Anna believes she has cracked life and found her own version of perfection.
Which is why she is perplexed by her sudden inability to sleep and the tangled mess of emotions she is failing to unpick. She is discontented but cannot understand why. Lying in her bed, she accepts some of her short temper with John was due to this. If the guy had been any less of a narcissistic braggart, she might have felt sorry for him. Anna is not without empathy. She knows some boast out of insecurity. It doesn’t make them at all charming but it doesn’t usually raise her hackles so much. But that was not the issue with John. His problem was his clear, but entirely baseless, conviction of his own superiority.
Inflated egos are not uncommon in medicine. And while there is frequently a sound basis for their self-belief, one or two of Anna’s colleagues are definitely less skilled than their sizable egos suggest. Mostly, Anna shrugs and stays out of their way. Occasionally, she might have to go head on, insisting on a general anaesthetic over a local or vice versa. Even in disagreement, she seldom felt as irritated by them as she is by John.
James, with his lovesick puppy act, is also grating. Seeing a man whom she admires neglect his professional duties for a chance to run after Bella annoys her. Anna is most definitely not jealous. She has never had the slightest iota of lust for James. But still, she wants to shake him until the sentimentality falls out of his brain and sense returns. She has seen grown men go gaga around Bella before, but it has never affected her own laser-focused path in life. It is extremely inconvenient that James has fallen so thoroughly for her friend now.
Which leaves the last of the triumvirate, Tolly. Anna has been flying on planes since she was a baby. She must have sat next to countless people. Some she had ignored. Some had been pleasant companions. She recalled one budding playwright who had just finished a script on Boudicca, the Iceni Queen who had slaughtered the Romans in England until finally stopped by Paulinus. That had been a twelve-hour journey and he had been a witty and erudite travelling companion. But on arrival, they had parted and now she could not even remember his name. Why had Tolly become so firmly lodged in her mind? Why did that last text from him niggle at her brain? Why is it so hard to let him go? He is her sister’s ex. That should be enough to rule him out. Added to that, he lives in California. He is an actor, of all things. One of the most self-absorbed professions around.
The car was a simple kindness from a very wealthy man. Why does she long for it to be something else? Why does she want to find an excuse to justify him ignoring her all of her first day in LA? Is this celebrity worship? Imbuing trivial gestures with significance and excusing neglectful behaviour is delusional, and Anna is not that kind of person. She prides herself on her clear thinking and honesty. She replays their interaction on the plane. He was so easy to talk to, his humour dry and subtle. Being with him was comfortable. But this is what some people do. They put you at your ease. They are masters at the right amount of eye contact, the right amount of humour, the right amount of attention. Some are born to it; some learn it. All of them use it to their advantage.
But as much as her head tries to reason with her, her heart overrules it. The truth is, she misses contact with him. She longs to talk to him. She longs to see him. And worst of all, she longs to touch him.
After an hour of staring at the dark, waiting for her thoughts to calm and relax into sleep, Anna gives up. She opens the neglected eBook she was reading on the plane. Maybe another murder can drive Tolly Hyde out of her head.
The next thing she knows, the harsh ring of her phone alarm wakes her. It is the last day of the conference. She switches off the alarm and unmutes her phone. Groggier than normal, Anna slides out of bed, less enthusiastic to start the day than previously. Despite the heat outdoors, which threatens to melt the foundation from her face, she applies make-up carefully. She needs to cover the lacklustre skin around her eyes. When she is certain she is looking almost normal, she pulls her hair into a twisted chignon for a touch of glamour. She is about to head down to breakfast when her phone pings. One small part of her hopes it is Tolly, even though he implied he would be gone for a while. It isn’t. It’s Serena, finally replying to the text sent days ago, after Eleanor’s call.
Sorry for not getting back sooner. I’ve been in a desert. Are you free tonight?
Anna doesn’t know whether it is a literal or figurative desert. It is entirely possible Serena has been in an actual desert for the last few days or she could just mean an emotional desert after her breakup, unwilling to do anything or see anyone. Still, Anna is pleased at a chance to catch up with her cousin and avoid another night playing gooseberry to James and Bella. Or, even worse, having to babysit John.
Yes , she texts back.
Excellent. Mine. 7pm. I’ll do food . Serena follows up with another text giving her address.
And all at once, Anna feels the irritation and confusion and sheer emotional messiness of the last twenty-four hours lift. She is once more enfolded in family, steadied by their love. And only a tiny part of her mind is thinking Serena is Eleanor’s bestie and she was at Larkford when they were filming Pride and Prejudice . Maybe she knows something about what happened with Tolly.
Anna makes her way down to breakfast, but her lightness of spirit doesn’t last long. She has barely set her bowl of fruit and yoghurt on the table when Bella slides into the seat opposite her. Although Anna can guess that Bella’s night was more disrupted than her own, there is no sign of tiredness in her friend’s face. There is also no sign of Bella’s habitual open friendliness. Bella looks pissed.
Without any greeting, Bella says, “What was all that about last night?” Her lips settle into a twist.
Anna sighs and puts down her spoon. She wants to shout, Your effing brother tried to feel me up in the back of the taxi last night! I have nothing to be sorry for. He deserved what he got!
But if she says this, she becomes a hysterical woman and John gets off scot-free. Instead, she says, “I might have over-reacted.” Inside, her head is screaming, No. There was no over-reaction. Why does society make women take the blame for men’s faults?
“You think?” Bella tilts her head on one side.
Anna looks up. “I’d had enough. The song, the arm draped around me, the stealing my food. Then he touched me.”
“I’ve seen plenty of guys touch you and none of them got treated like that.”
Great. The slapper argument. If you let one guy touch you, others may. Anna keeps her voice calm and patient, no matter how exasperated she feels. “Because that was my choice. They were guys I wanted to touch me. I didn’t want him to.”
“Well, how was he to know that?” Bella’s words are loud enough to attract attention. The two businessmen at the next table are outright staring, and a mother and daughter pair are flicking covert glances from the other side of a plant pot.
“I’d made it pretty clear all evening.” Again, Anna hopes her hushed tone will quiet Bella even though the words might provoke her. “He’d have to be a sandwich short of a picnic to have misunderstood.”
Bella obviously doesn’t want to take that option because she backs up. “It’s not like he groped you! I had to ice his wrist. He’s still in pain this morning.”
Privately, Anna hopes it is his wank hand and she has incapacitated him for days. But the pragmatist in her recognises she has to ameliorate this or blow her friendship with Bella sky high. “Look. I was only trying to get his hand off my knee. I’m sorry he is hurt, but I don’t like your brother that way. He needs to accept that.”
Bella seems to consider the point. She has the apology she wanted. Anna waits for her to decide if anything further is needed. Finally, Bella sniffs.
“I don’t know why not,” she says.
Anna keeps quiet. She could explain. Because he’s a narcissist. Because he never listens. Because he’s a low-achieving layabout.
“John could have his pick of women.” Bella pouts as she speaks.
“I’m sure he could,” Anna replies. More fool them. Some women like to run around after a handsome, self-obsessed arsehole and Anna is happy to let them. They will work it out, eventually.
Her answer seems to satisfy Bella. She seems to take it as an acknowledgement of John’s wonderfulness rather than an indictment of people’s inability to discern true worth when a pretty face is involved. She wonders why Bella is so blind to her brother’s faults, especially as she is dating James, who is the epitome of a handsome soul wrapped in a not-so-handsome package.
“Where is James this morning?” Anna tries changing the subject.
“Ugh!” Bella frowns. “He’s such a morning person. It’s driving me nuts. Six o’clock and he’s fidgeting. No matter how late we went to bed. I had to have a nap yesterday. Like a toddler!”
That explains why Bella was so bouncy last night. Although, from Anna’s recollection, Bella had always been a night owl and seldom rose before midday when she had the choice. Anna always wondered how Bella would cope with the world of shift work. It would be a cruel mistress to her.
“So I’ve sent him out for a run this morning,” Bella continues. “Hopefully, he’ll get coffee on the way, although it might be lukewarm by the time it arrives. But at least I got a bit longer in bed.”
Anna catches sight of a bright ginger head, stark against all the muted blondes, browns, blacks and greys. She nods towards it. “He’s here now.”
Bella turns. Her face morphs. Brightness comes into her eyes, a smile lifting her expression. She looks eager to see him. James spots her. His whole being lights up. Anna watches the two of them for a moment and then looks away as they kiss. None of Bella’s earlier discontent is evident.
James places a disposable cup in a neoprene sleeve printed with a brand name drug in front of Bella. He holds another in his hand.
“Where’s mine?” Anna teases.
“Oh!” James looks discomfited for a moment. “Take mine,” he says, sliding his cup over to her.
Anna slides it right back. “I was only joking. Besides, I know how you take your coffee.” With a ton of cinnamon. She grimaces.
James looks perkier than she expects. Given their late night, the six am start, and his three- or four-mile run in the rising heat. He gazes at the two women, who are visibly less pert. “What are we doing tonight? I was thinking about it on my way back. Perhaps we could go line dancing?”
“Not me!” Anna is quick to decline. “I’m meeting my cousin tonight.”
“Your cousin?” Bella echoes, and Anna hears the implied doubt.
“Yes, she messaged this morning. She works for one of the movie production companies. Although she’s based here in LA, she’s often abroad for her work. I didn’t know if we’d overlap. But it turns out she’s home and she’s offered to make me dinner tonight.” All true and all sufficiently personal to avoid having to invite her companions along.
“Guess it will just be John and us.” James turns back to Bella.
“We’ll see.” Bella’s non-committal reply seems to be taken as agreement by James, but Anna is reminded of Bella’s request the previous night to run interference with John. It seems even his adoring sister is less enthusiastic about having to spend another night in her brother’s company.
Having escaped the prospect of another evening with John, Anna’s good humour returns. She and Bella appear to be okay despite their differences over John. As it is the last day, the conference will finish a little earlier. She might take a leaf out of Bella’s book and have a nap before she meets Serena. The day is panning out to be just fine.
If only she could stop thinking about Tolly Hyde.