Chapter 15
fifteen
I looked through the front window of the ambulance at a tall, white building with rows of windows between cement columns. A sign at the top read Seton Medical Center. Trees lined each side of the building. Next to the drive was a manicured lawn. As we’d driven away from the ocean and toward the bay, the rain slowed to a drizzle. We arrived at an overhang and sliding doors for the emergency room entrance. As the ambulance stopped, I opened the door and stepped out.
I raced to the back of the ambulance, watching as the back doors burst open. The two paramedics whisked Micah out of the back on the stretcher, letting the legs unfold as it came out.
Micah rushed past me with an IV in his arm and a nasal cannula in his nose, providing oxygen. Thick blankets rested on top of him.
The paramedics rolled him to the sliding doors.
I jogged after them, but a woman in red scrubs stopped me just inside the doors. “Are you family?”
“N-no. I’m his boyfriend.” I didn’t want Micah out of my sight. The ride over had been bad enough. I stood there, swaying to keep him in view.
“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to go to the waiting room.” She pointed to a set of doors.
“B-but?—”
“Go to triage and they’ll have questions for you.” She kept pointing at the doors.
My shoulders slumped as I walked to the set of heavy wood doors. I pressed a button on the wall to open them and came to a reception area. Stepping to the counter, I tried to steady my breath.
A man with dark hair in red scrubs sat at the desk. “Can I help you?”
“Yes, I just came in here with the ambulance. They told me to come talk to you.” I breathed in deeply and raked a shaky hand through my wet bangs. My damp clothes sent a chill down my spine.
“Are you family?” The man looked me over.
“No. I’m his boyfriend, though. Doesn’t that count for something? I should be with him.” Maybe I should have lied and said I was his brother. I shifted on my feet and furrowed my brows.
“I’m sorry, but only family is allowed unless he agrees to let you back.” The man focused on a monitor.
Heat flared in my chest. What a stupid rule. My voice rose. “But he’s unconscious. How is he supposed to agree to it?”
“I’m sorry. Have you called his relatives to come?” The man’s attention returned to me.
My mouth hung open. I didn’t have any of that information. I didn’t even have Micah’s cell phone number. There’d been no need, with the two of us living right next to each other. “No, I don’t have their number.”
The man exhaled. “Okay, what is his name?”
“Micah Knowles.” God, this was frustrating. I leaned against the counter.
“How do you spell that?” The man typed on a keyboard.
“I don’t know. How it sounds, I suppose.” Damn, I really didn’t know that much about Micah. What did I know… “Hey, Micah’s dad is a cardiologist at Stanford. Can you get in touch with his dad?”
“You mean, Dr. David Knowles?” The man stopped typing and peered at me.
“I don’t know his first name, but it must be. How many Dr. Knowles can there be at Stanford that are cardiologists?” Fuck. All I wanted was to be at Micah’s bedside. I rubbed a tense muscle in my neck.
“I have his cell number here in the system.” The man picked up a desk phone and pressed it to his ear. He glanced at me. “Please, take a seat. I’ll let you know if we need you for anything.”
With a long huff, I stepped to a blue and chrome chair in the waiting room and sat down. Maybe they’d get Micah conscious. But would he want to see me? He damn well better. “Shit, Wells...” I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and dialed Wells.
The phone rang four times before he answered, his voice hoarse. “Hello? Ash?”
“Hey.” How was I supposed to explain this to him? I gazed at the rows of chairs lining the wall in front of me under the fluorescent light.
“Where are you?” he asked, his voice getting clearer.
“I’m in the emergency room,” I said. “I woke up around four and went looking for Micah.” No way was I going to tell him about the voice I thought I’d heard. He’d think I’d lost my mind.
“Damn it, Ash. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, but Micah isn’t.” The scene at the beach replayed in my head. Micah’s beautiful face, looking like all the life had drained from him. My vision blurred.
“What do you mean?”
I wiped my eyes. “I found Micah on the beach. It was raining. He was partway in the surf. He was unconscious.”
“Oh, shit.”
“I think he took something, passed out, and the tide must have come in.” I sighed. Micah stoned on the beach flashed through my mind. That was before things got so complicated. “He’s done that before. One time, he took a bunch of Xanax and became stoned out of his mind.”
“Is he a drug addict?”
I scanned the heavy wood doors leading into the emergency room. “No, it’s meds his doctor gave him to cope with what happened to him. Unfortunately, it sounds like he overdoes it sometimes.”
“That doesn’t make him not a drug addict, Ash. You know that.”
I pushed my lips together. “I know. He doesn’t seem like he’s addicted, though.” I wasn’t even sure I believed myself. This was a definite problem.
“So, is he going to be okay?”
“I think so.” I focused on the doors. “They won’t let me back there.” A flicker of heat burned inside me. Maybe I could sneak my way in.
“Shit. That’s got to be hard. Do you want me to come? What hospital are you at?”
“Yeah, please come.” An ache wound around my heart. “I need you.” He would know what to do. “The keys should be on the table next to the door. I’m at Seton Medical Center.”
“Be right there.” The phone went dead.
I stuffed the phone in my pocket, then hung my head, resting my elbows on my knees. In a ragged whisper, I said, “Please be okay, Micah. Please.”
* * *
A woman with straight, dark hair falling to her shoulders strode into the emergency waiting room dressed in a purple velour jogging suit. She walked to the triage counter, a black purse dangling from her bent arm. “Hi. I’m Amanda Knowles. I understand my son, Micah, is here. I need to see him.”
The man at the desk handed her a clipboard with papers on it. “I can let you back. Can you fill these out, please?”
Micah’s mother . My chest squeezed as my pulse sped up. I stood from the chair and ambled toward her. “Uh, excuse me.”
She peered at me. “Yes?” She took the clipboard.
“My name is Ash. I’m a...” I couldn’t tell her I was Micah’s boyfriend. My brows drew together, and I glanced at the ground.
“Oh, you’re the boy Micah’s been seeing.” She offered me a faint smile.
So Micah had told her about us. “Yes, I, um, I brought him here.” I hoped she didn’t think this was my fault. But was it? I rubbed my palms down the front of my shorts, wiping sweat off them. “I’d like to go back and see him. They won’t let me.”
She pursed her lips. “I understand you must be eager to see how he’s doing. But I’d like to see him by myself first.” She placed the clipboard under the arm holding her purse and touched my forearm with her other hand. “I need to have a delicate conversation with him. I’ll come out and get you as soon as I can. Okay?”
What was this delicate conversation? Was it about me? My gut knotted. As I hung my head, my eyes stung. In a ragged voice, I said, “Okay.”
She squeezed my arm. “You will see him. I’ll make sure of it.”
Did that mean Micah told her he didn’t want to see me? Blinking, I stared at her.
“I know how much he cares about you. We talked on the phone yesterday.” She creased her brows and studied me.
“Y-you did?” At least Micah cared about me and cared enough to tell his mother about us. I offered her a weak smile.
“Yes. I won’t be too long. I promise.” She turned and headed for the emergency room doors, now opened to her.
I watched her walk into the sterile hallway with people in scrubs bustling by, then stepped back to my seat and sat down with a huff. The wait to see Micah would feel like forever.
The doors to the outside burst open, and Wells jogged in wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, his long black hair rustling around his head. “Ash.”
As he got close, I stood and threw my arms around his shoulders.
“You okay?” He held me tightly around the waist.
Burying my face in his shoulder, I said, “I don’t know if I’m okay. I don’t think Micah wants to see me still.”
“Why do you say that?” He released me, focusing on my face.
“Because he’s got to be awake by now. And if he were awake, someone would have told him I was here waiting.” Gritting my teeth, I glanced at the triage desk and then focused on him.
He sighed and shifted his stance. “Oh, come on. Maybe he’s too out of it still to do anything.”
“His mother came in and told me she’d make sure I would see him. Why would she say that?” My breath hitched.
He grabbed my hands. “I think you’re making too much out of this. Relax.” He released my hands. “You look like shit. You need to rest.”
The emergency room doors opened, and Amanda Knowles walked into the waiting room. She approached us and then stopped. “He wants to see you now.”
My eyes widened, and I stared at Wells.
“Go.” He slapped me on the back.
“He’s on the right, about four beds down.” She touched my arm.
As a wave of nausea rolled through me, I strode through the open doors and took a right, passing curtains pulled tight across hospital beds, medical equipment, and medical staff. When I came to the fourth bed, I stopped and swallowed hard. What should I say? My gaze darted across the room. Fuck it. I swiped the curtain aside and stepped to the bed, placing a shaky hand on the metal bedrail.
Micah lay on the bed with an IV inserted in the top of his hand, heaters on his feet, and blankets over his body. He looked at me with bloodshot, swollen eyes and he opened his mouth.
“Micah, before you say anything?—”
“I love you, Ash.” His eyes glittered. “I tried not to, but I can’t stop it.” He let a sad laugh escape him, sounding more like a sob.
My breath caught in my throat. “Y-you do?” Should I touch him or not? God, I wanted to climb into the bed and hold him and kiss him until they pried me off his body. I stepped closer to the bed. “Micah, I love you, too.”
He coughed, then covered my hand with his own.
His hand was icy. I bent over the bed and kissed him on the forehead. “You scared the shit out of me.” Brushing bangs out of his eyes, I rested my palm on his pale, still-cold cheek.
“I’m sorry. I was really stupid.” He looked away.
“What happened?” I straightened, taking his hand in both of mine and resting them on the mattress, attempting to warm it.
“I took too much of, of everything,” He sighed, his voice trembling. “I couldn’t handle thinking about what you said or losing you.” Worrying his lower lip, a tear raced down his cheek. His gaze locked on mine. “I can’t lose you, Ash.” He squeezed my hand. “Anyway, I must have passed out at the wrong place on the beach. They said I was in the water.”
“Yeah, you were. Your legs, anyway.” I glanced at his feet, the heating pads resting over them. “When did you go down there?”
“Right after I saw you with Wells. It tore me up seeing you two together like that.” He knitted his brows and frowned. “Why were you so drunk?”
“Guess we both had too much last night.” I scratched the back of my head. What an idiot I’d been. “I was pretty messed up by everything, too.”
His jaw clenched, his free hand fisting in the blankets. “D-did you and Wells?—”
“No. Definitely not.” Thankfully, Wells had the good sense to stop anything from happening at the Jeep. I tightened my hold on Micah’s hand.
“I suppose Wells knows everything.” His forehead wrinkled.
“Yes.” My gut clenched. No need to let him know exactly when and how Wells found out.
“How did you find me?”
“I woke up around four.” My brows lowered as I stared at the sheets, my mind replaying the surreal moment. “I thought I heard you say my name.” The voice had been so real. “I thought maybe you were out on your patio or something. So, I checked your apartment first. Looked in the windows, then I checked your car, and finally, I went down to the beach.”
“You looked in my windows?” He gave me a lopsided grin.
“Yeah.”
“You’re a pervert.” He scoffed, but grinned anyway.
“So what?” I leaned over the bed and brushed my lips over his. Damn, I just wanted to hold him. “But I found you.”
“I’m glad you did. It could have been much worse.” He inhaled raggedly.
The memory hit me hard. I had to have this conversation with him. “Micah, we have to have a serious talk. Not just about how we’re going to handle the media, but about the way you’re handling Matthew’s suicide. It’s not right.” My jaw tensed. “Finding you like that put me right back in the place where I found my brother. It really fucked me up.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. I’m going back into therapy. I already talked about it with my mom. She feels the same way you do.” He gazed at me. “I’m getting rid of the meds. My mom found an outpatient program she wants me to try that doesn’t use meds.”
“So, no more Xanax and no more Valium. Right?” I had to be sure he understood. “We’re throwing them all away, and you’re not getting any more.”
“Yes.”
At least he was open to changing. My brother never was. “Good.” I let out a breath, my shoulders relaxing. “You know, you really had me scared. I thought you were breaking up with me.”
“I tried, but I can’t,” He said, dipping his head. “When I really think about it, the pain of losing you is worse than the pain of having Matthew’s suicide out in the open.” He gave my hand a squeeze, his grip firm and steady. “And if that happens and I’m healthier and you’re by my side, I think I can handle it.” His gaze locked on mine.
Warmth washed over me like a wave. I tipped my head, the tension releasing from my chest, then I straightened with a grin. “You have no idea how relieved I am.” The words rushed out as a genuine smile broke across my face, the first real one since that nightmare of a conversation with Jeff. “Oh, my God.”
I leaned over the bed and kissed him, deeply, and full of everything I hadn’t been able to say.
He pulled back slightly, his lips brushing mine as he spoke. “I also think it’s time for me to stop hiding. I have to live again.” His gaze darted to the hospital curtain surrounding the bed, as if imagining the world just outside. “What happened is a part of me, but it shouldn’t define me.”
“You’re absolutely right,” I said, gripping both of his hands in mine. This wasn’t just the man I loved, it was someone stronger, ready to fight for himself. “How do you want to do this? I mean, should I come out to the media?”
“Yes,” He said firmly, tugging one of my hands to his lips and kissing the back of it. Emotion spiraled through me. “I want everyone to know that you and I are together.” He lifted his brows, his expression soft but resolute. “And then we can be ourselves, no matter where we are or who’s around.”
A laugh bubbled up from me. “That sounds really perfect,” I said, the weight on my chest easing. “I’ll let Jeff know, and he’ll figure out the details.” Pressing my lips together, I said, “I’ll also make it clear we’re not doing anything until you’re healthier.”
“Good,” He said, exhaling a long breath. “I wish they’d let me go home already.”
“Have they said anything about that?” I glanced at the IV still taped to his hand, the heating pads on his feet, and the monitors beeping steadily behind him. The sooner I could get him out of this sterile room, the sooner I could hold him properly, away from all this.
“The doctor already said I can leave,” he said with a huff. “I just have to wait for the nurses and the paperwork.”
“Hey, I met your mom,” I said. I should try to lighten the mood. “She seems pretty nice.”
“Yeah, she is,” he said, looking around as if searching for something.
“Where’s your dad? I’m surprised he didn’t come.”
“He had an angioplasty procedure this morning with a patient, so he couldn’t make it.” He coughed into his free hand.
I eyed him. Was he really okay? “Oh,” I said, not sure what else to say.
As his gaze met mine, he said, “I’m not surprised. He was never around much. His work takes up all his time. I suppose that’s one reason my mom left him.”
I nodded, taking in his pale complexion, the fragile way he sat propped against the pillows. “When you get out of here, I’m going to take good care of you.”
A faint smile played on his lips. “I’d like that.” He tipped his head back, staring at the ceiling. “With this outpatient program, I’m going to have to see a therapist every day. In fact, my first appointment is this afternoon.”
“Okay. Then we need to get you out of here so you can rest.” And so we can curl up in bed. The edge of my mouth tugged up.
The curtain swung open, and his mother stepped in, followed by a female nurse and a young man in scrubs rolling a computer stand into the room.
Amanda walked to Micah and pressed her palm to his forehead. “I’m getting you out of here.”
“Thanks, Mom. We were just talking about that.” He offered his mother a weak smile.
Amanda focused on me. “I assume you’ll be taking care of him?”
“I will, ma’am. I’ll take excellent care of him.” I gave her my most charming smile.
“I would like a word with you, Ash.” She grabbed my arm at the elbow and drew me away.
As I took a few steps away from Micah, my breath snagged.
“Micah actually told me a lot about you yesterday. It was a strange phone call, out of the blue. He went on and on about being in love with a rock star. That is you, right?”
I placed my hand on hers, still resting by my elbow. “I wouldn’t say that I’m a rock star. Well, not yet.” I gave her a shy smile. “But I am a singer in a rock band that’s getting pretty popular right now.” My mind focused on the word love.
“Do you understand how unstable he is?” She narrowed her brown eyes.
“Yes, I do.” I glanced at Micah. A nurse removed the IV from his arm.
“Then you know about the suicide.” She tightened her hold on my arm.
“Yes, I know. He told me about all of it.”
“Then you understand how very important it is that he gets the proper help that he needs.” Her gaze searched my face.
“Yes, I feel exactly the same way you do. I want to see him healthy as well. In fact, I love him, too,” I said. “And I know how important getting the right help is. I’ve dealt with a similar situation before with my brother.” With a wince, I focused on her. “I lost him. I won’t lose Micah. I’ll make sure that he sees the therapist and does whatever he needs to do. I assure you of that.” I would do this. I wouldn’t let her down.
She released a soft exhale and freed my arm. “Thank you. I want nothing more than to bring him home and take care of him myself, but of course, he won’t let me.” She pursed her lips. “So, I’m counting on you.”
I smiled. “You can count on me.” Count on my love. Wasn’t that how the song went?
* * *
Wells drove my Jeep into the apartment parking spot and shut off the engine. He turned from the front seat to look back at us. “How about I go grab us some breakfast?”
Huddling with my arms around Micah in the back seat, I nodded. “That would be great.” I tightened my hold on him, shivering next to me. I had to get him warm. “Micah? Are you hungry?”
He nodded his head.
“Crepes?” Wells asked with a wide smile.
“Sure,” I said, creasing my brows as I climbed out of the Jeep. Glancing back at Micah, my heart stuttered. He better be okay.
Micah made his way out of the Jeep and met me on the pathway to the apartment.
Hooking an arm around his waist, I pulled him against me. “How are you feeling?”
“Okay. Just cold still. I can’t seem to shake it.” Though his color had mostly returned, a faint blue tint still rested on his lips.
“Yeah, you look cold. Let’s get you inside and covered in blankets.” Blankets and body heat, that was what he needed. I looked at the mid-morning sun cresting over the fog.
As we approached his apartment door, he slid his keys from his front pocket. His hands shook, fumbling with the lock.
“Need some help?” I asked, resting my hand on his and keeping my other arm around his waist.
He stopped fumbling, his gaze catching on mine. “Those are the first words you ever said to me.” His lips curled slightly. “Yes, I need help.”
Leaning in, I cupped his cold cheeks and placed a slow kiss on his lips. “I love you. I’m going to be there for you, every step of the way.”
His eyes shimmered, then he coughed and blinked a few times.
Taking the keys from his hand, I slid them into the knob and turned, opening the door.
He stepped inside.
“Go straight to bed and get out of those clothes,” I said, stepping in behind him and glancing at the mess in the main room, clothes, garbage, and dirty dishes scattered around. I’d get him settled first, then clean this up.
I followed him into the bedroom.
He flung the bedcovers over his pale body, tugging them up to his chin as he shivered.
“You need more blankets,” I said, scanning the room.
In a soft voice, he said, “No, I need you. Get in here with me.”
“Don’t have to ask twice.” That had been my exact thought earlier. I stripped down, tossing my clothes to the floor, and got into bed with him, wrapping myself as close around his body as I could from the side.
He laid his head on my shoulder, and his quivering stopped. “Ash, I’m scared,” he whispered.
“Of what?” I could finally hold him. It felt so good. I brushed my fingers over his pale cheek, a satisfied grin quirking my lips.
“I’m afraid they’re going to make me face everything all over again.” He snuggled deeper into me.
“If you don’t do this, you might not heal. You have to heal. This time, I’ll be here to make sure you can handle it. You won’t be alone.” God, I wanted to protect him. I kissed his forehead.
“But you’ll be recording, right?” He edged closer to me. “Don’t you guys spend hours and hours in the studio?”
I didn’t want to think about that. “We do. But I’ll have to find a happy balance here. Let’s not worry about it right now.” I breathed in. “What time is your appointment?”
“Three.”
“Then let’s focus on that today. I learned something from when my brother was an addict that helped me through tough times,” I said.
“What’s that?”
“Just focus on today and nothing else. And if today is too much, then focus on the next hour or the next few minutes. Whatever is manageable. And right now, in the next few hours, the only thing you have to do is get warm, sleep, and have Wells and I bring you breakfast in bed.” I smiled against his dark head. I’d lay here with him forever I could. “We’ll get you to your appointment if you can’t drive, and I’ll be here to hold you when you get home.”
“That’s nice.” He closed his eyes.