Saturday, March 4th #3
I know I shouldn’t, know that I’m going against my resolve, but fuck it.
I walk over to Cat’s table, my heart jumping into my throat when her eyes find mine, filling with mirrored longing.
That’s all it takes. One look. Everything inside me goes tight and desperate.
I want to fall to my knees. Tell her I’m sorry.
Tell her I still love her. But I can’t—not if I mean to protect her.
The guy Casey mentioned is straddling a chair backwards, leaning in as he talks animatedly at Cat. He doesn’t realize that he no longer has her attention. I do.
“Tell me what you’re drinking again?” Vada asks the guy just as I step up to the table.
“It’s called a Jedi Mind Trick,” he says, swirling his drink so hard it sloshes over the rim.
“Looks like it’s working,” I say from behind him.
The guy whips around before looking down at the drink in his hand and where it’s spilled on the table.
“Oh shit, damn,” he mutters.
“I got this, man,” I say, nodding at the table. “Maybe you should go and grab yourself a new drink.”
“Yeah, cool, thanks.” He stands, motions for his friend to join him, then turns back to Cat. “Really awesome to run into you, Cat. It’s always a little weird to run into people outside of school.”
So they know each other from NYU. Perfect.
“If you guys don’t have plans, Dusty and I are heading to the Foxtail Lounge in a little bit…” The guy trails off.
“Okay. Good to see you, Levi,” Cat says.
Okay. But what kind of okay? Is she being polite? Curious? Noncommittal? Fuck.
“You guys alright?” I ask the girls—mostly Cat, actually—when this Levi and his buddy Dusty are out of earshot.
Vada’s eyes go sharp. “Not really any of your business, Ran.”
Her line’s clearly drawn, side chosen. Not that she was required to.
“Woah, what the fuck was that for?” I chuff, irritated. I didn’t snap at her or Steve when they ended things, but I guess I shouldn’t expect Vada to remain neutral. That girl has never been Switzerland about anything.
“For being an asshole, Ran.”
“Fine, whatever.” I turn to Cat, dialing my voice down. “Are you alright?”
She nods, her hazel eyes wide. “I’m fine.”
I hold her gaze a moment longer—just long enough to remember what it feels like to belong to her—then wipe the table clean and turn to leave.
“You need to get your head out of your ass, Ran!” Vada calls after me.
I glance back, jaw tight. “And you need to butt out of shit that doesn’t concern you.”
This earns me a derisive look from her. “Cat is one of my best friends. You think you can shatter her heart and walk away like it’s noble? Fuck that, Ran. That does concern me.”
Her words cut into me, adding to the self-inflicted wounds in my heart—which, by now, is barely even beating.
She nudges Cat. “You know what? Let’s go. Levi and Dusty actually seem like decent, emotionally available guys,” she says loudly, no doubt for my benefit. Wow.
I march toward the back door and straight past Shane. “Taking my break,” I mutter, my words grating against gritted teeth. He doesn’t stop me. Just nods, eyes full of concern.
God fuck, I should’ve gone home and gotten wasted. Then I wouldn’t have run into the most perfect girl in this world, wouldn’t have had to watch some dude hitting on her, wouldn’t have had to wonder if she’s going to hook up with this guy tonight.
I shove the heavy steel door open, putting more weight behind it than necessary.
It slams against the brick. I pace, hands in my hair, my heart shouting in my chest. Man, it’s so fucking easy to fall in love, and fall I did.
Hard. But nobody warned me how fucking hard it is to claw my way back out, how devastating it is to strip yourself of the person who holds your heart in her hands.
I don’t want it back. It’s hers to keep until the end of days.
I’m resigned to walking around with a void where my heart—where Cat—used to reside.
I pull my phone out of my back pocket and stare at it, battling with myself. How far gone am I right now? Far enough, apparently, for me to unlock it, then dial Doctor Seivert’s number.
I never manage to have an anxiety attack during her office hours. Nope, I save those for when she’s supposed to be at home, enjoying the rest of her evening. I decide against letting her answering service connect me to her cell and just leave a message for her instead.
She’s told me time and time again that she’s always available for emergencies. Except I don’t know what counts anymore. Does this? Surely my inability to emotionally regulate myself doesn’t amount to an actual crisis.
I don’t connect to her cell. I just leave a message like I did back in November, the morning after my grandmother showed up, after that nightmare. The one where I hurt Cat in my sleep. Shane was the one who told me to call her then. He’s not here now, but his voice still echoes in my head.
So I call. I call because I’m scared of myself. Because I can’t keep bleeding out in silence. Because for all my noble bullshit, I still want to be better.
For her.
Even if I can’t have her.
***
I take a few cleansing breaths, then wander back inside, chuckling to myself. Funny how I held my shit together through years of terrible abuse, but I give up the love of my life and fold like a bad hand at poker.
Shane’s eyes lock on me as I approach, his expression cautiously neutral. “Tori said Vada and Cat went off to the Foxtail Lounge to meet up with those guys from earlier,” he says, testing the water.
My jaw tightens. “Okay.” It’s all I can force out.
“Ran, what can I do?” he asks, his hand on my shoulder. “What do you need?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t do that. You look like you’re about to punch a hole in the wall. Tell me what you need right now. A shot?”
I exhale through my nose. “I need to get back to work.” I’m desperate for a distraction from this bullshit day.
Without another word, I leave Shane standing.
My attention is drawn to a couple of girls sitting a little further down the bar. One of them waves at me.
“What can I get you two?” I ask them, adjusting my ball cap.
“I’ll have a mai tai,” says the girl on the right, tucking a strand of long blonde hair behind her ear. “How about you, Audrey?”
The brunette looks me over with warm brown eyes that flick briefly to my mouth, then my chest, and back again. “Jack and Ginger,” she says, and adds with a playful grin, “And we’ll take your number, too.”
I let out a short laugh, one side of my mouth tugging upward. “You’ll both take my number?”
“Uh-huh.” Audrey nods, nudging her friend. “Allie’s my best friend. We share everything.”
“Huh, that’s a great friend,” I say. “But sorry, I don’t give out my number.”
“How about your address?” Allie asks, cocking her head.
Brazen. “Also no.”
“Well, that’s no fun,” Audrey pouts. “Tell you what, how about I give you our address and you can decide if you’re up for some fun with us tonight?
” She plucks a napkin from the holder and reaches for a pen clipped to my jeans pocket, fingers brushing the side of my thigh.
“We live within walking distance,” she says with a wink.
I chuckle. “You’re not worried I’m some psycho serial killer?”
Allie snorts. Audrey just smirks. “Are you?”
“No.”
“Good, now that we’ve cleared that up.” Audrey scribbles something on the napkin.
I’m taken aback by their forwardness. I’ve been hit on before. Plenty. But I can’t recall ever being propositioned for a… threesome?
“Let me go get your drinks.”
“What. The. Fuck,” Shane whisper-shouts at me, his eyes huge when I reach him and Jack. They were obviously eavesdropping.
“You’re taking them up on their offer, right?” Jack says, a prominent grin on his lips.
I chuckle. “What? Fuck, no!”
Shane gasps audibly, his eyes wide. “And why the fuck not?”
“Ran, seriously, why wouldn’t you?” Jack looks past me to the two girls. “They’re both hot as fuck and they’re literally inviting you to have a threesome with them!”
“You used to live for that shit!” Shane says.
I frown at him. He can’t possibly believe I’m ready to start hooking up with random girls again. “Damn, guys, why don’t you two hit them up?” I growl.
Jack shrugs. “Can’t. We’re currently under female supervision, remember?” Is it me or do I detect a note of envy in his voice?
Shane nudges me with his shoulder. “Could be the perfect distraction tonight. I mean, if Cat’s out there moving on, why shouldn’t you at least pretend to try?”
What’s left of my withered heart squeezes in my chest at the image his words conjure—Cat’s mouth on someone else’s, her fingers touching someone else’s body.
“Did you really have to say it like that?” The memory of her kissing that frat guy at the party is still prominently featured in my head.
“Sorry, but—”
“You made your point, guys.” I turn my attention to Jack. “Can I get those damn drinks now?”
He holds up his hands in surrender, already reaching for the bottles. “Suit yourself, man.”
A minute later, he slides two glasses toward me, an imploring look on his face. I shake my head at him and Shane, then go deliver the drinks.
Audrey and Allie are already watching me.
“Here you go, handsome,” Audrey says. She takes the napkin, folds it with slow, deliberate fingers, and slides it into the back pocket of my jeans, her hand lingering far too long. “I promise we’ll make it worth your while. What time do you get off?”
Fuck it. “Two.”
“Great. Maybe you’d like to get off a second time tonight,” Allie purrs, raising an eyebrow.
“You have both our numbers.” Audrey places a hundred-dollar bill on the bar, smiling as she pushes it toward me. “Text us if you’re up for some company.”
I nod, mostly out of habit. The napkin burns in my back pocket.
As I said, patterns. Cycles. Can’t escape them.
Cat