Saturday, March 4th #5
“Jesus, fuck, you have a perfect fucking body,” Levi growls before he descends toward my chest. His lips find my nipple, and he sucks it into his mouth, his tongue flicking while his hand glides down my side, over the apple of my hip and between my thighs.
The heat of his palm seeps through my jeans.
I can no longer pretend. My eyes open with the sting of the building tears.
My heart is racing. I want to crawl out of my skin.
Poor Levi is clueless, his mouth still on my breast, his hands rubbing, kneading, caressing in an effort to get me worked up and ready for him.
I can’t do this. I don’t want this. I don’t want this with anyone but Ronan.
“Levi, please stop.” Either I didn’t say it loud enough or Levi’s hearing is muted with sex, because he begins to unbutton my jeans.
I set my hands onto his shoulders and push him back gently.
“I’m sorry, Levi, but please stop,” I say again, louder.
He sits up, his breathing hectic. His erection tents his loose-fitting jeans as he looks at me with concern in his glossy eyes.
“I’m sorry, Cat. Did I do something wrong?” he asks sweetly. I feel so bad for leading him on like this, for allowing it to get this far.
I cover my breasts with my left arm, snatching my bra off the floor with my other hand.
“No. It’s just… I can’t do this,” I say with a tremble in my voice.
A small part of me is worried about his reaction.
I just did to Levi what I did to Adam, whose dismay at my rejection swiftly turned violent.
“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on, but I—”
Levi retreats, scooting back to give me space.
The smile on his lips is warm, his eyes soft, unthreatening.
“Is it that guy from the restaurant? That waiter?” he asks, trying to steady his breathing.
My eyes widen, and so does his smile. “I saw the way he looked at you. And the way you looked at him.”
I hesitate, then nod. “Yeah. He’s… he’s my… ex-boyfriend.” I nearly suffocate on the word. “We just broke up a few weeks ago and…” I pull my sweater over my head, swiping the fabric over my face and soaking up the single tear spilling from my right eye.
“I get it,” Levi says. “Who ended it?” His eyes are still full of empathy when my face emerges from my sweater.
“He did.”
Levi nods. “Well, Cat, for what it’s worth, I think he’s a damn fucking idiot for letting you go.” He replaces his own shirt. Instantly, I’m more at ease.
“I think Dusty and Vada are still busy in there,” Levi says with a noncommittal nod toward Dusty’s bedroom. “Do you want to wait for your friend to come out or do you want me to call you a cab?”
There’s no way I’m leaving Vada here by herself. “I’ll wait for her, if it’s okay with you.”
“Of course.”
We sit and chat about school with the TV running in the background until Vada and Dusty join us in the living room twenty minutes later. Dusty grins widely, while Vada—a sated smile on her rosy face—pulls her hair into a quick ponytail.
Levi calls a ride share, and he and Dusty walk us down the stairs where we wait for the car to pull up.
“I’ll see you at research hour on Tuesday, right?” Levi asks as I’m about to get into the car behind Vada.
My eyebrows rise. “Oh, uh, yeah. I mean, is that still okay with you?” I wouldn’t hold it against him if he felt like we could no longer research together.
He flinches with a small frown. “What? Yeah, of course. Cat, I promise, this”—he points his index finger toward the sky, obviously indicating what happened in his upstairs apartment—“doesn’t change anything.
I respect your choices. We can still be friends and coworkers and all that.
And honestly, I’d be so screwed if you didn’t want to work together anymore.
” He pinches a deep exhale off with his lips, his cheeks puffing up.
I give him a grateful smile. “Okay. Thanks, Levi.”
He nods and he shuts the car door behind me.
“So?” Vada accosts me the second the driver pulls away from the curb. “Tell me everything!” she squeals, her entire body turned to me.
I shrug. “There’s nothing to tell.”
Her brow wrinkles. “What do you mean? Are you telling me you didn’t hook up with Levi?”
“I didn’t.”
“What? Cat, why the hell not?” Her tone makes it sound as though I threw away a winning lottery ticket.
“Because I didn’t want to, Vada. I’m not ready.” I take a shaky breath. “I’m not over him.”
I don’t say Ronan’s name out loud. Even forming the syllables to let them roll off my tongue hurts as though I’m eating thorny cacti.
Vada chuffs. “You don’t have to be over Ran to have single-serving sex! You can get your rocks off and still miss him. You’re allowed to have fun.”
She doesn’t get it. “Vada, I’ve only ever slept with Ran.
For me, it’s not just sex. It’s not just bodies grinding, okay?
For me, it’s me giving myself—wholly, body and soul—to someone else, and I only want to give myself to Ran.
” My voice breaks, and tears flood my eyes.
“I miss him so much, Vada. I miss him so much, and nothing I do makes it better.”