Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Two
Derek
His expression doesn’t hold the hope I once saw in it, but there’s something close. Something almost afraid to be there, and in my gut, I feel it too. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I probably shouldn’t be heading down this path, but fuck me. Xander is incredible, and he deserves to know it. He deserves to be told every single day.
“What … what if it didn’t?” he whispers.
“What?”
“What if it didn’t kill you? What if you were just you, and I’m just me, and we’re in a room together with no one else?”
I wish it was that easy. “Ethics are still ethics, even if no one else knows about your choices.”
Xander’s expression darkens. “I understand why they have those rules. I get it. But we both know that we didn’t do anything wrong. None of this is wrong.” His tone has a begging edge that’s getting me right behind the ribs. “Please. I want to kiss you. Just one time.”
Fuck, there are no words for how much I want that too. For how easy it would be to cup his face and taste his lips. I’ve been half-hard all through dinner with what he’s wearing, but I can resist that. I could resist him dancing naked in front of me. Not easily, definitely not fucking easily, but I’m sure I could.
This though? Xander begging for something I want to give him?
This is my limit.
“If anyone found out …”
“They wouldn’t.” Xander steps closer. “I know we can’t have a relationship. I know it can’t mean anything. But this once. What if this doesn’t kill us? What if it’s everything we ever wanted?”
Doesn’t he know that’s exactly what I’m afraid of? “What we have isn’t enough for you?”
“I don’t think I can be friends. I never could.”
“Xander … that’s all a relationship is. Friends who have sex and care about each other. Isn’t two of those things good enough? Sex isn’t everything.”
He’s quiet for a moment before he looks up and meets my eyes. “Maybe it is when you’ve never had it before.”
It takes me a second. “What? You’re a?—”
“If you freak out over that, I’m going to scream.”
“No, I’m not … freaking out. I’m … how ?” Xander is one of the sexiest men I’ve ever seen. There’s no way it’s from a lack of options.
He taps his temple. “Don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m a little fucked-up.”
Instead of telling him he shouldn’t say that, I take his hand and press a kiss to his pointer finger instead.
A breath hisses between his teeth. “Good, but not where I want it. ”
I give myself a whole moment to think it through. To assess whether letting myself do this will be worth risking everything. My job. My respect. My license. The potential volunteer trip to Cambodia.
All it takes is one word from him. “ Please ?”
He’s worth all that and more.
My mouth slams down over his, and it’s exactly what I dreamed it would be. Soft, willing, a heady mix of nervousness and excitement and way too much lust to contain. He’s gripping the front of my shirt like I’m going to disappear on him, but there’s no way in hell I’m stepping back now. It’s already too late.
I need this as much as he does.
My tongue sweeps into his mouth, hungrily meeting his. Xander’s following my lead, almost hesitant, making me question how many people he’s kissed. How many other men have gotten to share this with him. And how many other men stupidly let him slip through their fingers.
We kiss for what feels like the better part of my life. I lose myself in him.
He still pulls away too soon. I can’t focus, my dick is so hard, and I’m craving to touch, but after finding out he’s never done this before, I’m hesitant to push for more.
“Wow,” Xander whispers. “That was … I don’t think one kiss is enough.”
“I agree.”
His surprised eyes find mine. “Really?”
I can’t believe he’s even asking me that question. “You seriously underestimate how attracted to you I am.”
“Yeah, well …” He waves a hand over himself. “There’s not much to look at.”
The fact he said that and actually believes it almost makes me see red. It takes me a moment to settle down the need to rage, and instead, I reach for the button on the front of his shirt. “Can I?”
He curiously holds my gaze as he nods.
I undo the button, then slowly reach for where the shirt is sitting on his shoulders. I give him plenty of time to stop me as I slide the material off and down his arms until it lands on the floor at his feet.
Then, I take a minute to look. I’ve seen Xander shirtless before, but I didn’t actually see him. I wasn’t looking at him like that. I had my nurse glasses on, and there was nothing specific I paid attention to.
But fuck, I’m paying attention now. He’s on the thinner side, with prominent collarbones, but he’s got a nice-sized chest that tapers down into a narrow waist and those sinful shorts.
My teeth bury into my bottom lip.
Then Xander blows my fucking mind by hooking his thumbs into the front of his shorts and, with the same tortuously slow speed I used, pushes them down his legs. He’s not wearing underwear, so I’m left with the sight of what might be the prettiest cock I’ve ever seen.
He’s hard, head flushed a deep red that’s tempting me to taste it.
My own dick is filling with blood and straining against my fly. I’m so desperate to grab hold and try to stop the excitement, but it’s already too late. I wet my dried lips with one goal in mind.
“What … what do you want? What are you comfortable with?” I ask, trying to be conscious of the fact this is all new to him, when all I want is to get carried away in the moment.
“Anything when it comes to you.”
I reach for my shirt and pull it over my head, getting a small, choked sound from him. I grin. “Still comfortable?”
“I’d be more comfortable with you naked too.” I don’t miss the wicked glint to his eye .
But I do it anyway because both of us naked sounds like a good idea to me. “This better?”
Xander exhales deeply. “Worse. So much worse. So, so much worse because I already think I’m going to come.”
“If we only get this one time together, we can’t have that.”
Proving how fucking brave he is, he moves closer until we’re almost toe to toe. “Are we going to have sex?”
“If you want to.”
“I want. I want to finally know what it’s like.”
“Then kiss me.”
Xander’s mouth finds mine, and it’s less desperate than our first one. This kiss is pure relief, a mix of this beginning and us never wanting it to end. My hand finds his lower back, and I guide him in close until we’re standing there, skin on skin, and all my fucking dreams have been answered.
But if this is his first time, I want him to remember it. Before he can ask what I’m doing, I reach down and lift him off his feet. His legs immediately lock around my waist as I carry him to the couch.
“You’re a natural,” I mutter into his mouth as I turn and collapse back onto the cushion. Xander straddles my lap, and I slide my hands further down to grip his ass. “It blows my mind that you don’t know how sexy you are.”
“It’s your lust goggles.” He grins against my lips. “You just keep them there until you’ve made me come.”
“Xander …”
“How do we do this?”
I guess that’s the end of that, then, but it’s okay. He might not want to hear about how fucking perfect he is, but I can show him instead. “I’m going to spit in my hand so it’s nice and wet, then I’m going to jerk us both off together.”
His eyes widen. “At the same time?”
“Yep.” Something niggles at me. “Have you seen it in porn? ”
“A few times, but …”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I don’t really like it that much. The professional stuff, at least. I’ve found some amateur stuff where it’s like they know each other or they’re a real couple or whatever, but …”
What would you know? Abrasive, impulsive Xander is a romantic at heart. “Just kiss me and let me do the rest.”
Relief crosses his face. “Okay.”
He leans in until his lips meet mine, and I reach between us and close my hand around our cocks. Xander isn’t overly large, but having his cock gripped against mine is fucking ecstasy.
He moans into my mouth as I run my hand over us. I’m fully expecting this to be short and sweet since it’s his first time and I’ve been blue balling it for months now, but I’ll take every second I can get.
I hold the back of Xander’s head with one hand and jerk us off slowly with the other. All I can concentrate on is him. I’m holding and touching and kissing Xander .
I’m leaking a whole hell of a fucking lot, balls aching with the feel of him against me. Our kissing gets deeper, and I’m struggling to keep up with breathing through my nose. I’d fucking devour him if I could.
Ruin him.
Leave him begging for more.
Exactly how I will be once this is over.