Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Three
Xander
Derek has big hands. Enormous hands. The largest hands of anyone I’ve ever met.
At least that’s how they feel wrapped around my dick.
My entire body is flushed, face feeling overheated as my mouth hungrily takes everything he’s giving me. The sensations on my cock are more than I ever imagined, and even though I was fully prepared for discomfort or aversion to kick in, the opposite has happened. The want I felt for Derek before has exploded. I need his hands all over me, need to press closer, while knowing it will never be close enough.
I’m trying to hold in the needy sounds wanting to escape me, and it’s a real effort not to thrust into his fist. Derek’s steely cock is rigid against mine, and I don’t think my brain has completely caught up that this is actually happening. It’s too swamped in this fuzzy, buzzing high .
His mouth breaks from mine, and I chase it for a moment until he speaks.
“Touch me, Xander.”
It’s not until he says it that I realize my hands are locked on his shoulders, where they’ve stayed since he picked me up. “Where?”
“Everywhere,” he groans.
Seeing Derek like this, knowing that I’m the one turning him on, has shivery need flooding my limbs. Our mouths slot together, and I let my hands drop, reveling in the smooth, warm skin under my palms. He’s got chest hair, which apparently is a massive turn-on for me, and I run my hands over it before I reach his chest. That gorgeous chest I was drooling over when I saw him dancing in that cage.
Broad and strong, my hands linger on his pecs, thumb gently stroking his nipple.
A hiss sucks between Derek’s teeth. “That feels so good,” he says into my mouth.
I keep doing it, proud that I could make him sound that way.
As I explore, his free hand grips the back of my neck while the other keeps working our cocks. His hands are smoother than I was expecting, and his hold is tight. Every downstroke makes me see stars, and every upstroke has me leaking. Not as much as him though. Derek is something else.
I’m panting as I look down, needing to actually witness this. To burn this moment into my mind. That sexy chest, his softer belly, the hair that runs down it and into his pubes. That large hand with prominent veins wrapped around us in a tight fist. The way the flushed head of my cock disappears and reappears with every stroke. Derek’s only a little longer than me, but his cock is thick, and watching it pressed against mine has my mouth watering. I want to taste him. Lick the shiny tip and make his eyes roll back in pleasure .
But doing that would mean putting distance between us, and there’s nothing in this fucking world that could make me stop what we’re doing.
His lips press desperately to my jaw. “Tell me you’re close.”
I give in to the urge to thrust and almost whimper. “So good.”
“That’s it. Fuck my fist. Make yourself feel good.”
I thrust again, and Derek’s groan fills me with the confidence to keep going. I ride his fist like nothing else matters.
My balls are tight and almost painful, and I’m clinging to Derek like he might slip away. I’m not convinced I won’t wake up and work out this was all a dream, but there’s no way my imagination is this good.
The sweat is cool on my back, his lips are hot on my neck, and I’ve lost track of what’s happening. I’m chasing the type of high I’ve never had before, and judging by the sounds Derek’s making, he’s not far off either.
I test out a moan, and it feels so good leaving my lips.
Derek nips my collarbone. “You’re going to make me come, sounding like that.”
I’d laugh, but I’m too close to the edge. I wrap my arms around his neck, face pressed against his hair, needing to be as close as humanly possible. I want Derek wrapped around me, engulfing me, for our bodies to meld together and never let go.
His stubble scrapes my skin, and I want more. More of his groans, more of his scent, more of the way he touches me. I’ve never felt safety and care like this. Never been so overwhelmingly consumed by another person.
But after years of wanting, I finally get this. I’m not an idiot to think it’ll happen again or that Derek’s worry about his job has magically gone, so I’m going to do what I do best. Get everything out of a moment before it abandons me.
Derek’s warm tongue runs over my collarbone before he drags it up my throat .
“ Fuck. ”
My dick jerks in his hold as my orgasm smashes into me. I’m a panting, shivery mess, sinking into the waves of bliss passing over me before Derek stiffens and cum floods into his fist.
The satisfied sigh that passes his lips gives me hope.
Still pressed against him, I ease back so I can see his face. His wonderfully disastrous eyes are bright, cheeks red, hair damp and messy.
“Was that okay?”
The lines by his eyes crinkle. “I think I’m supposed to be asking that question.”
“Too bad I beat you to it.” Even if I’m sick with nerves that it might only have been okay for him.
“It was … wow, Xander. That was every bit as amazing as you are.”
My eyebrows flex with a frown I fight against. Fucking compliments.
“No.” He pulls me down to kiss my forehead. “You don’t get to disagree with me. You might not have enjoyed it, but you don’t get to argue that I’m wrong.”
“I wasn’t going to.”
He gives me an I know you look, and it’s hard not to believe it.
My gaze drops to where my hand is resting on his chest. “It was … I don’t think I have words. I guess I’m not a virgin now.”
“Was that important to you?”
“No. I get that it’s all a construct and not a real thing, so I didn’t care about being a virgin. I cared about … about the fact that I’d never had someone want me that badly. I’ve never had someone want me in their lives at all, let alone be sexually attracted to me. ”
“I’m struggling to believe no one has been sexually attracted to you.”
The fact I have to explain this isn’t something I want to do, but it’s either explain or sound like an idiot. “No, well, they have. That’s the issue. Surface-level attraction, it sort of, well, I don’t like it. Strangers looking at me …” My gut twists up in familiar knots. I don’t even really know where the aversion has come from, but my whole life, I’ve kind of had this instinct. This deep knowledge of who’s good and can be trusted and who will probably hurt me.
Derek’s a mixture of both, but at least I know his hurt won’t be intentional. At least I know what I’m walking into with him.
“It makes you uncomfortable?”
I swallow roughly. “Yeah. I’m not someone who can do one-night stands, I guess, and there aren’t a lot of people who’d get involved with someone like me. I’m high-maintenance.”
“You’re n?—”
“ Don’t lie.” It’s sweet he was going to, but I don’t need that. It’s empty. “You pointed out that your whole life revolved around me, and that’s shitty as hell.” My voice loses some of its confidence. “I’ve never told anyone this before. Not even Seven. Sometimes I worry that I’ll say or do the wrong thing or put too much on him, and then he’ll decide he’s done. And he’ll take Molly with him. That terrifies the fuck out of me.”
“Has he ever done anything to make you feel that way?”
My smile is tight when I look up at him. “Haven’t you got it yet? My brain doesn’t run on logic. It runs on catastrophizing, negativity, and throws in the sheer terror of mortality every now and then to keep things interesting.”
“We both see you very differently.”
“We … do?” I’m a self-aware guy, and I know there aren’t many other ways to think of me. I’m either being annoying by thinking I’m dying or annoying by needing too much attention. I can’t turn off either of those sides of me, especially because they feed into each other. Seven and Molly are the only two people on Earth I’ve ever felt love me so fucking deeply that I can trust they won’t go anywhere, but a day or two without their full attention, and I lose it. I’m working on my coping strategies, but I don’t think anyone knows how deep that well goes. How convincing my brain can be.
Derek nods, running his nose over my jaw. “You’re someone who so badly wants to do the right thing. You’d go out of your way for the people you love, and you lash out sometimes because you’re scared. People haven’t been kind to you, but you so badly want to trust them anyway. That’s huge, Xander.”
“Or delusional.”
“I have a serious question that I don’t want a snarky answer for.”
I almost roll my eyes. “No guarantees.”
“Then no question.”
My glare doesn’t work on him. “What if I don’t want to answer you?”
“Then say that.”
The truth? Kill me now. “Fine. Go.”
“Do you actually like putting yourself down all the time? At first, I didn’t think you knew that you were doing it, but I’m getting the feeling it’s on purpose.”
That’s an easy one. “It helps to think of myself the way everyone else does.”
“Right. And who is everyone?”
“I thought medical professionals were supposed to be smart. Everyone is everyone .”
“Is Seven everyone?”
“Probably.”
“And Molly. ”
Does he not know what everyone means? “Of course Molly.”
“So everyone thinks you’re annoying and worthless?”
“Yup.”
He lets that sink in for a moment. “What if I told you that I don’t?”
“Then I’d ask why you’re bothering to lie to me. I’m not offended by people thinking I’m a shitty person. It is what it is.”
Derek pinches my chin and steers my face until it’s right in front of mine. “You’re not a shitty person. Sometimes you act like it when you remember to, but I’ve seen your guard down way too many times to believe it. I’m sorry we can’t have a relationship. I’m sorry this can’t be more for us. But if we’re going to continue to hang out and try to stay friends, I need that to stop.”
“You want me to change my whole personality for you?”
“No. I want you to stop forcing this mean-boy persona for you . I’m sorry people have hurt you. You don’t deserve any of it. But that also doesn’t mean you should keep hurting yourself. All I can see is an incredible person punishing himself for something that wasn’t his fault.”
“Stop using that word.”
“ No .”
The finality in his tone hits something behind my ribs. “You won’t?”
“I won’t.”
“Even though I don’t like it?”
“Why does it make you so uncomfortable?”
“Because it’s not true.”
Derek pulls me down against his chest, and I melt into his arms. Our cum is dried to his stomach, and the scent of sex is strong. I think I’m already addicted to it. “It’s true. And one day, I’m determined to make you believe it.”