Chapter 8
CHAPTER 8
T he sun hung low over the Cancun sky, lazy and golden, casting molten light across the gently rolling surf. A salty breeze lifted tendrils of Kash’s hair off her neck, carrying the sound of far-off music and waves brushing against sand.
It had been nearly thirty-six hours since her explosive night with Diego and she was still reeling. He hadn’t even waited until the main celebration before flying out.
It was Tia who had conveyed his goodbye to her when she had gone to check on her the next morning, her body sore and eyes gritty from lack of sleep. Somehow, she’d kept her expression blank in front of her mother.
Both dismay and relief had filled Kash, the latter, to her shame, the more resonant emotion. Because she didn’t have to face him immediately.
Being part of Mona and Dominic’s renewal wedding ceremony had helped her put a pause on her own chaotic feelings.
Dom and DP had flown out that morning, their departure signaling the end of the celebrations. Mona had insisted the three of them stay on for two more days and neither Chaaru nor Kash had argued. The reprieve felt like a gift—time to exhale, to pause before the new year kicked them back to the hustle of their everyday lives.
Chaaru was quieter than usual, sunglasses hiding her eyes, but Kash had caught the faraway look more than once. DP had taken off on his mountaineering trip to Nepal, a dream he'd paused for years while raising his younger siblings. And while Chaaru hadn’t said it out loud, Kash suspected her friend was sitting with the quiet realization of how much she loved him.
A part of her wanted to tease and probe Chaaru. But she refrained. If a few hours of filthy sex with the one man she could never have could upend her like this, she couldn’t imagine what Chaaru must be feeling after spending a week in paradise with the man she loved. A man she wouldn’t see for months again.
Kash herself still felt sore, sun-dazed, and stretched open from the inside out. Her skin tingled with lingering heat, though she wasn’t sure if it was the sun or the memory of Diego’s hands on her body, his mouth on her skin, the rough sound of his voice in her ear.
It wasn’t just that he had kicked her out of the frozen limbo she’d been stuck in—it was that he was the first man to touch her like that in a long while. Her first true lover in years.
Simon had given her affection and adoration, comfort and contentment, but not this kind of raw intimacy. Not this utter physical and emotional surrender into another’s hands.
Having never tasted it, she had been happy to believe that it was overrated. That a man owning your mind, body and soul was for sappy K-dramas.
Even now, she felt the echo of that night in every step, in the way her thighs brushed together beneath her loose kaftan, in the dull, sweet ache deep inside her that pulsed in time with the waves. Wanted to be back in that room—the hush of it, the darkness, the way it had cradled them like a secret.
Out here, the world was too loud. The light too bright. The breeze on her skin too intrusive. Everything intruded. The beach, the sky, the way her daiquiri was already sweating in the sun. And the knowledge that it could never happen again.
“Earth to Kash,” Mona drawled, nudging her ankle with a freshly painted toe. “Don’t tell me you’re brooding over a man while sipping mango daiquiris on a beach in paradise.”
Kash blinked and sat up a little straighter, the turquoise dazzle of the ocean suddenly too sharp against her eyes. The sun glittered on the water like it knew all her secrets.
Chaaru gave a slow, unreadable smile behind her oversized sunglasses. “Let her have her moment, Mona. If I looked that sore and satisfied, I’d be daydreaming too.”
Kash glared at Chaaru, and the latter laughed, her broad shoulders shaking.
Mona watched Kash with a sly tilt to her head. “True, the whole island feels calmer this morning. Maybe because you and Diego finally got all that hot, volcanic energy out of the way?”
Kash snorted, nearly choking on her drink. “You’re impossible.”
Chaaru grinned. “She’s not wrong. I mean, the air’s lighter, the birds are chirping, and you’re glowing. Coincidence? I think not.”
“So, I get to be this afternoon’s target, huh?” Kash said, faking grumpiness.
Chaaru sighed heavily and swallowed the rest of her drink. “I’m just in waiting mode. Forever if I have to.”
Kash squeezed her shoulder, then leaned back in her lounger, shielding her face with one hand. “Okay, fine. Yes. It happened.”
Mona gasped dramatically. “You banged Diego?”
Kash let out a dry laugh. “Would you not say it like that? It makes me sound like a cougar in a tequila ad.”
“But you did bang him.”
Kash rolled her eyes. “Yes. It was one night. It’s done.”
Chaaru arched a brow. “And?”
“And…” Kash trailed off, her gaze flicking to the horizon, lips parting slightly before closing again. “It was beyond amazing,” she admitted softly. “I didn’t think I could feel like that again. I didn’t think anyone could… get through my frozen state. Get me over the edge, you know? But he did.”
Mona sat up straighter, teasing expression fading. “Kash?—”
“I’m not falling for him,” Kash said quickly, holding up a hand. “Let’s be clear about that. I’m not na?ve enough to imagine fantastic sex means anything more than damned good chemistry and an attentive lover.”
“No one said you were,” Chaaru said gently.
“You were never na?ve, sweetheart. Not even as a teen,” Mona said, a sense of loss to her words. “You never had the luxury to be anything but strong and grown-up for your family. We all see that, you know.”
Kash swallowed. “It’s just—God. I’ve been frozen for so long. Stuck in this in-between place…” She hesitated, her voice thickening. “And he makes me feel alive.”
The breeze stirred around them, warm and soft, like it was listening.
“Are you regretting it?” Chaaru asked in that quiet way of hers that said all her focus was on Kash.
“I don’t,” Kash said, voice steadier now. “Granted, it would have been easier if it wasn’t the one person I see every damn day. The one person I can’t…”
“What?” Mona said softly. “Do you have feelings for him?”
Kash laughed then, and it sounded broken to her own ears. “I’m too messed up to know that, Mon.” Tears trailed down the corners of her cheeks.
Her two best friends waited, the silence pressing up on her ribs. The breeze off the ocean shifted, brushing over her flushed skin.
“This isn’t completely about Diego, is it?” Chaaru asked, throwing her long legs off the lounger and leaning toward her.
On her other side, Mona did the same.
“I haven’t been okay,” Kash said. “Not for a long time.”
Both women went still beside her.
And just like that, the tight lid she’d been keeping over herself burst open, the ugly contents spilling far and wide.
Kash stared out at the water. “I know I look like I’ve been managing. But something’s been pressing down on my chest for months. Years. Losing Simon and Kat was the last straw. I can’t get out from under it. I feel like I’m suffocating.”
“Kash…” Chaaru’s voice was soft now, the sunglasses no longer a mask.
“After the accident,” Kash went on, “I didn’t have a choice. I lost my sister and my husband in one moment. Suddenly I was raising a five-year-old, keeping my mother upright, running a hospital department. There wasn’t time to fall apart.”
Mona sat forward, blinking quickly. “Damn it, I should have known.”
“You never said anything,” Chaaru whispered.
“I didn’t know how to,” Kash admitted. “It didn’t hit all at once. It was slow. Like the tide. One day I just… realized I couldn’t breathe.”
Mona stared at her. “You let us think you were fine.”
“I was in survival mode and kept thinking the pressure would let up any day,” Kash said. She didn’t doubt that she deserved Mona’s quiet anger. “And you and Dom were having a rough time of it too. I couldn’t add to your troubles.”
Mona’s eyes filled. “We’re your best friends. What the hell are we even doing if you can’t lean on us?”
“Mona—” Chaaru tried gently.
“No,” Mona said, voice thick. “Leaning on us doesn’t make you weak, Kash. It makes you human.”
Kash blinked down at her drink. The ache in her chest pulsed hard and hot. “I think I just… forgot how to ask for help,” she said. “Somewhere along the way, I started believing I had to be strong all the time. That if I wasn’t perfect, everything would fall apart.”
There was a long pause. The ocean sighed against the shore like it understood something none of them were saying.
Then Mona stood and walked the two steps to Kash’s lounger, crouched beside her, and pulled her into a hug. Chaaru joined them a beat later, folding in on the other side.
“I do need you both,” Kash whispered, throat tight. “I’m sorry it took me this long to say it.”
Mona sniffled. “You’re an idiot, but we love you.”
“I love you too,” Kash said, voice cracking just a little.
They stayed like that for a moment, arms tangled, the breeze pressing warm against their shoulders.
Mona sat back with a determined nod. “We’re coming to Portland next month. I don’t care what your calendar says. You’re not getting rid of us.”
Kash huffed out a laugh. “I… I’d like that.”
Chaaru was quiet for a moment, toying with the straw in her drink. Then, glancing at Kash almost apologetically, she said, “I know you’re this badass department head for cardiology, but I’ve found doctors are the worst at taking care of themselves. Have you got your hormone levels checked after turning forty?”
Shame streaked her cheeks as Kash shook her head. “No. It’s on my list.”
Mona sighed loud enough that the waves swept back.
“Unlike you old geezers, I’m only forty-one,” Kash said, infusing humor into her words. Even as shame pooled in her chest. She had completely ignored her health on multiple fronts.
“Watch it, babe,” Mona said, giving in. “I can still beat you up. And next time you lecture me about heart health, I’m going to pull your hair out.”
Smiling, Chaaru traced the back of Kash’s hand. “It is very possible that fluctuating hormones wrecked you even more, you know. Made you feel isolated from everyone around. Fatigue, both physical and emotional, lethargy, anger, hair loss, irritation... perimenopause is really a buffet of unwelcome gifts.”
“Is heightened libido one of them?” Kash asked, tongue in cheek.
“That too,” they both added at the same time with what could only be called saucy grins.
“I think it’s also a kind of freedom, you know, too few fucks to give. And that urgency that if you don’t get good sex now, your time is up soon,” Mona added drily.
“Thanks,” Kash added, the word full of snark.
“What she means is both of us have been through the wringer after turning forty.” Chaaru’s voice turned firm. “Will you promise to get yourself checked out? Or I’ll harass you about it three times a day.”
Kash nodded. “I will, I promise. This trip has been an eye-opener in multiple ways.”
“And…” Mona started, with all the tenacity of a pit-bull, “how do you feel about Diego?”
Kash inhaled slowly, her shoulders tight again. “I don’t know,” she said. “It was one night. A mistake in the rational sense.”
“But?”
“But I don’t regret it at all. Somehow, he saw past my front.” She stared at the horizon, her voice dropping. “The thing is I’ve been ghastly to him. When all he’s shown me is kindness.”
Chaaru reached for her hand, quiet understanding in her eyes.
Mona said, “Cut yourself some slack, Kash. There’s a lot of history there, yeah? And you haven’t had the luxury of being able to lean on anyone all your life.”
Chaaru nodded. “Sounds like he’s a more than decent guy. If he saw that you were struggling and cared enough to help.”
They sat in silence for a few heartbeats, the surf licking the shore in a rhythm that felt steadier than Kash’s thoughts.
“He helped me, alright,” Kash said archly.
The tension broke as her friends hooted and cheered like teenagers on spring break.
Then Chaaru spoke again, her voice surer. “You know… it’s okay to take chances on yourself. Even if they’re messy. Even if you don’t know how it’ll end.”
Kash looked at her sideways, eyes narrowing slightly.
Chaaru gave a small, sad smile. “I missed years I could’ve had with DP because I was afraid I’d mess it up. But life isn’t this neat little box we’re supposed to check off. If Diego was there for you when you claim you were not nice to him—” she squeezed Kash’s hand, “—then maybe it’s time you let someone see the real, glorious you. The version that’s imperfectly perfect.”
Kash let out a surprised laugh, part breath, part disbelief. “Glorious, huh?”
“Terrifyingly glorious,” Mona amended. “But yeah. You.”
Kash stared out at the horizon, the color of silver fire where the sky met the sea. “I don’t know if I can go any further with him. He deserves someone?—”
“Don’t you dare think like that,” Mona said sharply. “Give yourself time to heal. Without him in the picture first. Just take care of yourself. There are a lot more fish in the sea that can...” she coughed, “help you again.”
Kash laughed. But Chaaru’s comment stayed with her.
Diego had seen the worst of her and still given her what she needed. Could there be more between them if she healed and helped herself?
A second later, Mona popped to her feet and clapped her hands. “Enough moping! We’re in Cancun, it’s our last night, and I’m not letting either of you cry into your daiquiris.”
Chaaru groaned but stood, stretching. “Where are we going?”
“Somewhere loud,” Mona said. “With terrible lighting and good music and the kind of cocktails that come in buckets.”
Kash laughed, wiping beneath her eyes. “Are you trying to kill us?”
“I’m trying to make sure we remember we’re still hot, that’s all,” Mona said, reaching for her hand and pulling her up. “Come on. We’re going dancing. All night.”
And for the first time in what felt like years, Kash felt like she would be okay again.