Chapter Thirteen
Freya
It was hard to pin down exactly when I had stopped doing things just for myself. When I looked back, I think it had happened so gradually I hadn’t even realised it was happening. When I was younger, and even after Joe and I first got together, I liked to do things on my own. I had my own set of friends and I had hobbies. I used to fly to places on my own, I had interests, and then very slowly my whole life shrank down and all I had was Joe and Dolly. I was a wife and a mother and that seemed to be about it. Gradually over time, I made friends with Lucy, but I still didn’t really have things that were just mine. I had even stopped reading when I used to be a voracious reader of at least two or three novels a month, but now I was lucky if I finished one a year. What had happened to me? Who was I? I was discussing this very point with the rest of Cold Water Club, while we waded into the sea at just after seven o’clock on a Friday morning.
‘I know what you mean,’ said Caroline. ‘Before we had kids, I used to do all sorts. I ran half-marathons, did yoga, and me and a few friends hiked the West Highland Way for fun!’
‘I used to go to dance classes,’ said Debs with a whimsical smile. ‘Without Steve, of course, because the useless bugger has two left feet. I did Latin, jazz, swing and flamenco!’
‘That sounds brilliant. I can imagine you doing the tango!’ said Lucy, and then we all stopped because it was time to submerge ourselves up to our shoulders and start swimming. I was getting slowly better and with each and every time I went into the sea, I felt myself getting stronger. The main thing I enjoyed, apart from how I felt afterwards and the energy it gave me, was the camaraderie with the other women. I loved how we all shared stories about our lives without apprehension or worry.
It was clear from day one that we each had our own ways of being in the water. Caroline was always the most physical and would start swimming, heading off in all directions, while Lucy would do her sort of half breaststroke, half doggy-paddle around in circles. Debs and Helen walked about a bit, and Amy did a couple of breaststrokes before she stood up and looked off towards the horizon. I had decided that I definitely couldn’t swim as bravely as Caroline but wanted to do a bit more than Debs, Helen and Amy, and so I joined Lucy in her swimming-in-circles routine. It felt like I was actually doing some exercise and it helped keep me warm.
Eventually, just as I started to feel like everything was numb, and knew it was time to get out, everyone came together and we slowly stood up and started making our way back towards the beach. I realised as we were walking that I hadn’t yet mentioned my after-work walk home with Sam to Lucy, which was strange because I’d had plenty of time to tell her, and it wasn’t like it was something I was trying to hide. Lucy and I told each other everything, and it felt odd I hadn’t mentioned it.
‘Sam walked me home from work the other day,’ I said suddenly, and Lucy looked across at me.
‘And you didn’t tell me about it?’
‘I’m telling you now, aren’t I?’
‘When? Where? Why? So many questions.’
‘Last week, and only because he somehow knew about my separation, which I mean to ask you about—’
‘I didn’t say anything to him,’ said Lucy quickly.
‘You’re sure?’
‘One hundred per cent.’
‘Then how did he find out?’
‘No idea, but what happened?’
‘He offered his support, and just wanted me to know that if I needed anything then I could lean on him.’
‘I bet he did!’ said Lucy with a salacious smile.
‘What?’ I said, as we reached the shore, and walked across to our stuff. I quickly grabbed my towel and started drying myself off.
‘Recently divorced, handsome solicitor walks pretty, recently single paralegal home after work to offer his support,’ said Lucy with a grin. ‘It doesn’t take much to imagine what sort of support he’s offering!’
‘Oh, Lucy, it wasn’t like that,’ I said, putting my towel down and reaching for my trousers and top. My skin was blistered with dots from the air. ‘It was actually very pleasant.’
‘I’m sure it was!’ said Lucy, who had just zipped up her tracksuit top with a smile.
We sat with the rest of the Cold Water Club, drinking from our flasks of hot drinks. I had coffee because I had been tired when I woke up that morning, and needed a little pick-me-up. Caroline, who had obviously overheard our conversation, was the first to chip in. She was sitting next to me, taking sips from her flask, and she had made banana bread and was offering it around.
‘Is this Sam fella handsome?’
‘Bloody gorgeous!’ replied Lucy immediately. ‘I mean, if you like handsome solicitors, who ride folding bicycles, dress in expensive suits, and smell heavenly.’
‘Sounds absolutely perfect to me!’ said Helen, who was sitting next to Caroline, eating from a small lump of banana bread.
‘But, and let’s say for argument’s sake that he did like me,’ I replied, ‘which he definitely doesn’t, but imagine he had some ulterior motive, I’m definitely not ready to start dating.’
‘Who said anything about dating?’ said Debs, looking at me with a certain bluntness. ‘Perhaps he just wants to have some fun.’
‘Aye, maybe she’s right,’ said Caroline. ‘If he wants you, then have some fun while you can! You’re still young, single for the first time in two decades, and if someone wants to wine you, dine you, and you know the other one, perhaps it’s time you started thinking about it. There’s nothing wrong with saying yes once in a while.’
‘But it isn’t that easy,’ I replied. ‘He’s a partner at work for a start. I can’t just have a bit of fun with him. Plus, I’m not sure he’s that sort of man.’
‘Trust me,’ said Helen. ‘All men are that sort of man when it suits them.’
‘I actually think Freya might be right,’ said Lucy. ‘Dating Sam would be far too complicated. He’s lovely, handsome and very nice, but he isn’t the sort of man you have a bit of fun with. Plus, he’s her boss. It could make things very awkward at work if it doesn’t go well.’
‘Exactly,’ I said.
‘What about your husband?’ said Amy, looking across at me. ‘Do you think he’s dating?’
‘Joe?’ I asked, suddenly feeling strange just thinking about the possibility of it. ‘You think he’s already plotting dates?’
‘He’s got a penis,’ said Helen. ‘Of course he is!’
It was the first time I had thought about Joe being with someone else. Obviously the idea of us dating other people had been discussed, and I’d had passing thoughts about it happening one day, but that one day had always been some distant, faraway date in the future when we had sold the house and moved on. I couldn’t actually imagine seeing Joe with someone else in the same way I couldn’t actually imagine being with someone else myself. It was too difficult to process, and it also meant admitting that my marriage was over. I knew the separation felt quite final, but admitting it was still difficult. The truth was, I hated the thought of Joe with someone else, even though I knew I didn’t necessarily want him myself.
‘He did walk in on me naked the other day,’ I said suddenly.
‘He did what?’ said Lucy.
‘The night he went out for a drink with Stuart and Barney. He came back a little drunk, barely knocked, before he walked into my bedroom. I was just out of the shower, and he saw everything.’
‘What did you do?’ said Caroline.
‘What do you think I did? I told him to get the fuck out of my room. I was livid.’
‘Do you think it was on purpose?’ asked Helen.
‘I don’t. He apologised profusely and we had quite an awkward conversation the following morning over breakfast, and I don’t think it will happen again,’ I said.
‘You know what you have to do?’ said Caroline.
‘What’s that?’ I asked.
‘You need to get back at him. You need to walk in on him naked!’
‘Oh my God, yes!’ said Lucy.
We laughed, and then sat and finished our drinks and Caroline’s delicious banana bread before we all had to head off home.
On our way back to our cars, I had a few minutes with Lucy, who filled me in on what was happening with her boys, and also on Stuart’s new adventure. Stuart had spent the past fifteen years managing an English language school in Brighton, but wanted to branch out and start his own school. It would mean more work, longer hours, and he had mentioned the possibility of Lucy coming to work with him, too. If he was going to venture out on his own and create something wonderful from scratch, he would need Lucy’s support. She was brilliant at administration, and the finer details of things, while Stuart was better at being the face of the school. It wasn’t happening soon, she stressed, but the idea of not working with Lucy already made me sad. She was one of the best things about Becket, Godwin & Anderson, and without her my days would surely not be as fulfilling. It was also more change, and I wasn’t sure I could handle any more upheaval given the last few months, and what was to come next.