Chapter Fourteen
Freya
On the way home from Cold Water Club, I stopped at Tesco to pick up a couple of things, before I drove home, ready to start my day. I was running a little late, and I still needed to have a shower, eat breakfast and get ready for work. I opened the front door, walked along the hallway and into the kitchen. I was hungrier than usual, and decided to have breakfast before my shower, but when I walked into the kitchen I saw Joe and Dolly sitting at the table and the air in the room was thick with tension. Something had obviously happened.
‘What’s going on?’ I asked straight away, putting my shopping down on the floor. I had forgotten my bag for life again , and had to pay for another one.
‘I got my letter from Durham,’ said Dolly, and I immediately knew what this meant for her. Durham University was her dream. We had gone up for her interview, to have a look around the campus and to spend the night so she could get a feel for the city, and she had fallen in love. Ever since, she had become obsessed with going there and this letter would determine the next three years of her life, and perhaps the rest, too. Dolly stood up and then Joe followed.
‘Are you going to open it then?’ I asked, stepping closer to her so we were all huddled together in the middle of the kitchen.
‘I’m too nervous,’ said Dolly frantically. I had never seen her look so terrified before.
‘I’ll do it,’ said Joe with an eager smile, taking the letter from Dolly’s hand.
‘Good luck, love,’ I said, reaching out and holding Dolly’s in mine.
‘Thanks, Mum. Okay, I’m ready.’
‘Here goes,’ said Joe.
Dolly and I both looked towards Joe, who had the letter in his hand. He reached down and was about to open it when Dolly stopped him.
‘I’ll do it,’ she said, taking the letter from Joe. Dolly took a deep breath, and then she slowly opened the envelope that contained the letter that might change her life. My heart ached in anticipation and I watched her face as she read the letter aloud. Please let her get in. With everything going on between me and Joe, this felt like the good news that might give us all a lift. She began to slowly read the letter.
‘Dear Miss Wallace, we are pleased to offer you a conditional offer to read English Literature at Durham University. Oh my God, I got in!’ screamed Dolly, and then Joe and I engulfed her and we were all huddled together, jumping up and down and squealing with delight. Our baby girl was going to read English at Durham and I couldn’t have been prouder of her.
‘Dinner tonight to celebrate!’ I said, as soon as we had stopped jumping up and down like maniacs. ‘Wherever you want!’
‘Okay,’ said Dolly, who already had tears in her eyes.
‘Joe?’ I said. ‘Dinner?’
‘I’m in,’ he replied.
‘Right, I’m really sorry, love, but I have to get ready for work. I’m so proud of you and I can’t wait for tonight. Oh, should I invite Mum and Martin?’
‘You mean Marmalade?’ said Joe.
‘Fine, should I invite Mum and Marmalade?’ I asked.
‘Yes,’ replied Dolly with the biggest smile.
I leaned in and gave her one final hug before I had to dash upstairs and take a shower. I still hadn’t had breakfast, but I would grab something on my way out. It had been a crazy morning, and I couldn’t wait to celebrate later.
I was sitting on my bed, trying to decide what to wear for Dolly’s celebratory dinner. Dolly had chosen Wagamama, her favourite restaurant, and she was meeting us there, along with Mum and Marmalade. After college, Dolly spent the rest of the day with her friend Maya, and I was excited to see her again to properly celebrate her success. If only I could decide what to wear. I was feeling a little under the weather, and not particularly attractive, and nothing in my wardrobe was singing to me, which was why I was sitting on my bed, in just my underwear with my dressing gown over the top. I could hear Joe moving about the house getting ready, too. For one man, he certainly made a lot of noise.
I was scrolling on my phone, when I went to Facebook for the first time that day, and the first thing that popped up was a video of Dolly and me. We were at the beach and she was about seven or eight, and she was so adorable and, before I knew it, I was deep-diving into memories of Dolly from a toddler all the way up to her teenage years. Nostalgia soon got the better of me, and I was quickly an emotional mess, and with her off to university in a matter of months, I couldn’t help but be incredibly sad. I wanted my little girl back. I knew it was impossible unless they somehow invented a time machine, or I was involved in some sort of accident and I woke up ten years ago, and got the chance to put everything right. But I wouldn’t because this was real life and not a time-travel romcom film starring Lily James. Photo after photo of Dolly as a little girl popped up on my phone, and the more I saw, the more my heart broke and I couldn’t stop the tears that soon rushed down my face. There was a sudden knock at the door.
‘Freya? Are you okay? I heard crying,’ said Joe.
‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ I replied, sniffling.
‘But I definitely heard crying. Are you sure you’re okay?’
I took a moment, stood up, made sure I was suitably covered up – especially after our recent naked indiscretion – and then I walked across and opened the door.
‘I’m fine. I just saw some photos of Dolly on Facebook, went down a bit of a rabbit hole, and got a bit weepy, that’s all,’ I said, before turning around and walking back to sit on my bed. For a moment, Joe dithered by the door, before he slowly made his way across the room and sat down a good couple of feet away from me.
‘It’s hard to believe Dolly will be leaving for university soon,’ said Joe.
‘I’m just…’ I said, and started sobbing again. Joe quickly got up and then returned with a handful of toilet tissue. ‘Thank you.’ I wiped my eyes and blew my nose. ‘I’m just sad she’s not our little girl any more.’
‘I was thinking about her earlier. Do you remember the time when she was about nine? We’d bought her that new bike for her birthday, the one with the little basket on the front, and we had taken her to the park? She was so excited, but within a minute she had fallen off, grazed her knee, and she threw her helmet down and said she’d “never ride that horrible bike ever again”.’
‘She was back on it the following day.’
‘After you bribed her with an ice cream,’ said Joe with a smile. ‘Do you remember when instead of shark, she would say shoke and instead of park it was—’
‘Poke!’ I said and we both laughed.
‘They were the best days.’
‘They were.’
‘I wish we could go back and do them all over again.’
‘Would you do anything differently?’ I asked.
Joe turned and looked at me, and then he smiled a sort of soft, melancholy smile, and for a moment, I almost reached across and held his hand, but I didn’t. Things were confusing enough and I was still just in a dressing gown and basically naked beneath, we were on my bed, and touching him, however innocently, felt like a step too far.
‘I’d do a lot of things differently if I could,’ said Joe after a moment.
‘Me too,’ I replied, and we sat in silence, neither of us, it seemed, sure what to say next.
Our relationship felt like it was constantly evolving and it wasn’t always clear exactly where we were. Before the separation, being together had felt so difficult, almost impossible, but now we were separated but still living together, there was something new about us. Perhaps it was just the pressure of trying to make our marriage work that had made us both miserable, and maybe now being apart had given us the breathing space to see each other in a new light. I didn’t want to forget about all the incredible moments we had shared over the years, and despite the difficulties of the past eighteen months and the complete breakdown of our relationship, it wouldn’t erase all of the wonderful memories we had created together. Perhaps from the jumbled wreckage of our marriage, a new friendship was possible, and we would always have Dolly to bind us together. We were the only two people in the world with all those memories, and I knew exactly how much he loved her because I felt the same.
‘I suppose we’d better get ready,’ said Joe after a moment, gingerly standing up.
‘Yes, right,’ I said, standing up, too. Joe went to walk out but I stopped him. ‘Thank you.’
‘What for?’
‘For checking up on me.’
‘Of course. You’re still technically my wife,’ said Joe. He smiled at me, but it was definitely tinged with a little uncertainty, before he left me alone to get ready for Dolly’s celebratory meal.