Chapter Thirty-Three
Joe
Karen was sitting across from me, and today she was in a white linen dress, she’d had her hair cut shorter, and she had on a little more make-up than usual. Perhaps she had a date straight after work or something, but I wouldn’t know because I was never allowed to ask her questions about herself. It wasn’t how therapy worked. I wasn’t allowed to know anything about her, and she had to know everything about me. It was very much a one-sided relationship, which made me a little uncomfortable, but that was the deal for better mental health. Although with everything that had happened with Freya, it was hard to see how any amount of talking could fix it.
‘So, Joe, tell me what happened.’
I explained everything that had happened in the past forty-eight hours from the conversation with Carl about the show to telling Freya about it, and how that conversation had ended with Freya walking out on me. I was still reeling from it, and I hadn’t seen Freya since. Dolly was working at the language school, and barely made it home these days, and Freya had, I think, been staying with her mum and Marmalade. I had tried texting her but she hadn’t replied. I understood how Freya felt, and she was entirely justified in how she responded, but I couldn’t believe I had let it get to that point. I should have told her sooner because now I had truly fucked everything up, probably for good. When I finished speaking, Karen took a moment before she responded. She was obviously carefully constructing her response. I imagined it would be difficult to just say: It’s clear you’ve been a massive fuckwit, Joe, and Freya has every right never to speak to you again, you complete and utter arsehole.
‘What do you think about it now?’
‘I think Freya has every right to ignore me. I can’t believe what an enormous idiot I’ve been, and I just want to fix it.’
‘Do you think that’s possible?’
‘I don’t know but I have to try. Freya is my wife, and she deserves better than I have given her. Dolly, too. I’m meeting Dolly for lunch today and I’m going to tell her everything.’
‘How do you think she’ll take it?’ said Karen, jotting something down in her notepad.
‘Honestly, I have no idea. The thing is, I’ll change the show if I have to. I’ll rewrite the whole bloody thing if it means making Freya and Dolly happy. I just can’t stand the thought of losing them.’
‘What if Freya asked you not to make the show at all? To scrap it completely. Would you?’
This was the hardest question because clearly Freya and I were headed for permanent separation and eventually divorce, and if that was true, what was I going to do? I needed this show to work because I needed the money. It felt like when it came down to the nuts and bolts of the issue I had little choice.
‘I don’t know,’ I finally said, after thinking about my answer for a minute or more.
‘Just remember, Joe, that sometimes life can often feel like it’s either/or. It’s either this or that, but often, if we spend a little time thinking about it, there’s another option staring us in the face.’
‘What would that be?’ I asked hopefully, and she looked at me and smiled.
‘That isn’t for me to say, Joe.’
We sat and talked for another thirty minutes before our time was up, and it felt good to just chat to her about everything. She didn’t always offer up actual solutions to problems because her thing was that we talked, opened up our feelings, and from that discussion solutions would emerge or at least ideas. She had explained to me once that therapy was like planting a tree. You started with a seed, you watered it, gave it time, let the seasons pass, and eventually with some patience, it would grow. When she had first said that, I had brushed it off as wishy-washy nonsense, but I finally understood what she meant.
‘You look nice today. Going somewhere?’ I said as I stood up to leave.
She smiled at me. ‘Thank you, but you know I can’t discuss that.’
‘Just testing the water.’
‘See you next time, Joe,’ replied Karen, and then I left, walking outside and readying myself to meet Dolly for lunch.
It was a gorgeous August day with a royal-blue sky, and it felt like one of those perfect summer days when living by the beach really paid off, and I would miss it if I moved back to London. The beach itself was packed with tourists, especially by the pier, and every fish and chip shop would be busy with punters desperate for some classic seaside grub while trying to fight off the notorious Brighton seagulls, who would happily snatch food right from your hand. I was meeting Dolly in a cafe near her language school, and I was dreading it. I had already ruined my relationship with Freya, and I couldn’t stand the thought of losing Dolly, too. As far as I knew, Freya hadn’t told Dolly about House Shared , and she knew nothing about our argument.
I found a table and sat down, perusing the menu while I waited for Dolly to arrive. It was a lovely new cafe that had popped up just before summer, and they had a wonderful range of sandwiches, plus great coffee. I had popped in a week ago and had been impressed with my flat white, and so when I asked Dolly to meet for lunch, I had suggested it. I waited for about ten minutes, until Dolly finally came bounding into the cafe, apologising for being late but her morning activities had run over. I stood up and gave her a hug before she sat down. She had her hair in pigtails, and she was wearing a pink language school polo shirt, and a pair of denim shorts. She looked beautiful, happy, and I was ever so proud of her. The dark cloud of her break-up with Maya was definitely gone.
‘You look cheerful,’ I said, and she gave me a huge smile.
‘I am. Work is awesome and the people are great,’ said Dolly, picking up a menu.
‘Order whatever you want, Dolls. I think I’m going to go with the New York pastrami on rye sandwich, and a flat white.’
‘Oh yeah, that sounds good, me, too.’
I walked up to the counter to order our food, and while I waited in a short queue, I looked back at Dolly, who was staring down at her phone. I couldn’t help but be overcome with a nostalgia for the past when she was just a little girl. I imagined her sitting there but ten years younger, eagerly waiting for lunch, looking around because she didn’t have a phone yet, and I felt that feeling all parents get when faced with the reality that their child was all grown up. A bittersweet sadness, a longing for the past, but also a deeply profound pride in how their child had turned out. Dolly was about to head off to university, and I was excited at all the wonderful things she was going to experience, but also terribly sad at the little girl I had to leave behind.
I ordered our food, sat back down again, and Dolly put her phone away.
‘How’s work?’ I asked, because I had barely seen Dolly since she had started.
‘Brilliant, so much fun. It’s hard work, obviously, and the hours are long.’
‘Is that why you stay over so often?’ I replied, and she grinned, and looked a bit sheepish. ‘What? Spill the beans, young lady.’
‘I’ve met someone.’
‘Oh, right.’
‘Her name’s Elle, she’s from Nottingham, and she’s going to uni in Newcastle.’
‘That’s great, Dolls. She obviously makes you happy.’
‘She does,’ said Dolly with a huge smile, and then our food and coffee arrived. The waitress put it all down on the table, and it looked delicious. I took a sip of coffee, and Dolly quickly tucked into her sandwich. I had a bite of mine, too, but all I could think about was how happy Dolly was, and I hoped I wasn’t about to ruin everything.
‘So, Dolls, I have something to tell you,’ I said, as she took a sip of her coffee.
‘Okay.’
‘Have you spoken to your mother the last couple of days?’ I asked apprehensively.
‘No. Why? What have you done now?’
‘Why do you assume I’ve done something wrong?’
‘Daaad?’
‘Fine. Look, here’s the thing. This is the thing—’
‘Please, just get to the thing.’
‘You know I’ve written a new sitcom, right?’
‘Yes. I mean, vaguely. You mentioned it, but I’m not sure what it’s about or anything.’
I just had to rip the plaster off.
‘It’s called House Shared , and it’s basically about the situation your mum and I found ourselves in. A couple with a daughter, on the verge of breaking up, but staying under the same roof until their daughter leaves for university.’
‘Blimey, Dad, that’s a bit close to home. How does Mum feel about it?’
‘She wasn’t happy when I told her, but I spoke with my agent, Carl, and he had a meeting at the BBC and they love it. It’s probably going to get picked up.’
‘Wow! That’s brilliant news, Dad,’ said Dolly, taking another bite of her sandwich. ‘I mean, not the bit about Mum, obviously, but the part about the BBC.’
‘Yes, it is,’ I said, before I paused and then I said. ‘I also wanted to tell you that there is a daughter in the show, and there are some elements of you in there.’
‘What sort of elements?’ asked Dolly, taking another sizeable bite of her sandwich.
‘Well, she’s smart, funny, quite sarcastic—’
‘Hey! I’m not sarcastic,’ said Dolly.
‘She’s independent, strong-willed—’
‘Gay?’ asked Dolly suddenly.
‘Actually not gay. I did think about using your coming-out story in the show but it felt wrong, so actually, in the show, the character of you is a little bit of a Harvey Cooper.’
‘Who the hell is Harvey Cooper?’
‘A boy at my school who failed his GCSEs on purpose because he didn’t want to become a doctor.’
‘So she, my character in the show, fails her A levels on purpose to do what?’
‘Follow her dreams, Dolls,’ I said, and she smiled at me.
‘I like that.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah,’ said Dolly.
‘So you’re okay with the show?’
‘I think it’s cool, Dad, but you need to fix things with Mum.’
‘I know.’
‘Because if you don’t, it doesn’t matter what I think about it.’
Dolly and I sat and finished lunch. She asked a few more questions about House Shared , and I did my best to answer them. I had toyed with the gay storyline for the daughter in the show, but when it came to actually writing it, I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t cross that line. It took me a while to come up with something else, and that’s when the Harvey Cooper story came back to me. A daughter, destined to get great marks and head off to a top-tier university, chucks it all in to work in a cafe and follow her dreams of being a writer. It was the edge Carl had wanted and he was happy with it. Plus, it meant the daughter wasn’t heading off to university, and could stay in the show, along with her loser, hippy boyfriend, Rat – actual name Roland Mumford. I asked Dolly more about Elle, and she glowed with a brightness whenever she spoke about her. Elle was obviously special, and I said I wanted to meet her soon. Eventually, Dolly had to head back to the language school, and I wanted to head home.
‘Love you, Dolls,’ I said, as we stood on the pavement.
‘Love you too, Dad.’
‘Thank you for being so understanding about the show.’
‘Just remember, if it becomes a huge hit, you owe me,’ said Dolly with a smile and then a laugh. I would miss that laugh so much when she left for university. ‘And I don’t mean like symbolically owe me, I mean literally with cold, hard cash.’
I laughed. ‘I promise,’ I said, and then Dolly turned around and started walking away.
I watched her for a moment until she was out of sight, and then I started walking back towards home. It was a gorgeous day and perfect for a stroll through town, and then home to do some work. Everything was finally out in the open, and maybe it had broken Freya and me, but it had, perhaps, made my relationship with Dolly even stronger, and that was something worth hanging on to. Now I just needed to find a way to make up with Freya – or at the very least, get her to speak to me again.