Chapter Thirty-Four
Freya
We were sitting around the kitchen table and the atmosphere was definitely a little fraught. At least, it felt fraught to me. I was on one side, holding my cup of tea in my hands for comfort, and opposite me were Joe and Dolly. I hadn’t seen Joe since the argument because I had been staying with Mum and Marmalade, which had brought its own challenges. Mainly Mum constantly asking if I was okay, and Marmalade asking me every five minutes if I wanted something air fried. It was an incessant barrage of concern and air-fried food, but I was home now, and Dolly had news.
‘I got three As! I’m going to Durham!’ said Dolly jubilantly, breaking through the tension and in a second the entire energy and atmosphere in the room changed.
‘Oh my gosh, Dolly!’ I said, getting up and walking around the table to give her a hug. ‘I’m so proud of you! Three As, that’s incredible!’
‘Dolly, darling, that’s amazing!’ said Joe.
We both gave Dolly hugs and kisses, and then we finally sat down again. I glanced across at Joe, and he looked back at me for a second. He smiled but I looked straight back at Dolly. Joe looked a lot better than the last time I had seen him. He had shaved, had his hair cut, and he was wearing a shirt and a smart pair of jeans. He was obviously making an effort, at least with his appearance.
‘I can’t believe I got three As,’ said Dolly. ‘I thought maybe two As and one B, but it doesn’t matter because Durham, here I come!’
‘The dream,’ I said with a smile. ‘I remember the day we did the tour and you were completely smitten from the moment we got there.’
‘I remember that, too,’ said Joe. ‘That night at the hotel you said, I’m coming to university here, and that was it. Now you’ve made it happen!’
‘So proud,’ I gushed.
‘Right, we should celebrate!’ said Joe. ‘Are you working today, Dolls?’
‘Nope. I’m off.’
‘Then what about dinner?’ Joe looked across at me. ‘Dinner is good, right?’
What else could I say? ‘Of course. Wherever you want, love.’
‘Just one thing,’ said Dolly. ‘Can I invite Elle?’
‘The new girlfriend?’ said Joe.
I had only heard fleetingly about Elle via text, and I was curious and excited to meet her.
‘Not girlfriend, just, actually I don’t know what she is. We haven’t given it a label, exactly, yet, but yeah, casual girlfriend slash summer fling, maybe?’
‘Invite her for dinner,’ I said. ‘I’d love to meet her.’
‘I’ll message her now,’ said Dolly, getting up and slowly walking away, her fingers tapping at a hundred miles an hour on her phone.
With Dolly gone, Joe and I were suddenly alone. I barely wanted to look at him because, despite feeling calmer than I had the day of the argument, I was still so annoyed with him. I couldn’t believe what he had done.
After the argument with Joe, when I was an emotional wreck, I called Sam and I arranged to meet him for a coffee. Obviously the moment we met, he could sense that something had happened, and after a quick coffee we went to his house for a proper chat. He put together a light lunch, and over tea and sandwiches I explained everything and he just listened. He was lovely, and looked so handsome in relaxed weekend clothes, in his gorgeous house in Hove – exactly how I had imagined it, so on-brand – and after everything with Joe, I did something spontaneous and so unlike me. I kissed him. We had finished talking, we both stood up at the same time, and suddenly we were so close to each other, and I leaned in and kissed him. The thing was, for a moment, he kissed me back, before we both pulled away at the same time.
‘Freya, I…’ said Sam. ‘I’m sorry, but you’re vulnerable, I’m your boss, and—’
‘I’m sorry,’ I replied quickly. ‘Shit, sorry, Sam. You were just being so nice, and this house is gorgeous, and you, you’re so handsome, and everything with Joe, it all—’
‘You don’t have to explain, although I appreciate the comment about my house, and… you think I’m handsome?’
He smiled at me, and I laughed. ‘I think we both know the answer to that. I am sorry though. It wasn’t fair to call you after my argument with Joe.’
‘I’m glad you did. Despite everything that kiss was…’
We looked at each other, then both bashfully looked away after an intense second.
‘It was, but I should probably go.’
‘Right, yes, definitely,’ said Sam.
I left, but after our kiss, which was a little more than pleasant and full of sexual tension, I was more confused than ever.
‘I can’t believe our little girl is off to university,’ said Joe, his voice etched with nostalgia.
I looked across at him, and he smiled at me. He was obviously trying to have the sort of conversation the old us would have had in that situation. Perhaps by reminiscing about the past and lamenting that our little girl was all grown up , I might forget about the monumentally shitty thing he had done. He had obviously failed to realise just how pissed off I was.
‘I’m not having this conversation right now,’ I said, getting up and walking across towards the dishwasher. I downed the last dregs of my tea, opened the dishwasher, and put the mug inside. Joe got up and walked across, too.
‘Freya, I am so sorry. I am. I was a fucking idiot. A complete and utter fuckwit, but I don’t want this to come between us and ruin everything. Please, just talk to me,’ pleaded Joe, and it was hard not to back down and have a conversation, but I didn’t want to just forgive him. He needed to know how hurt I was, and that this wasn’t just one of those conversations where he said how sorry he was, made a couple of glib jokes, and eventually I forgave him and let him off the hook. I had done that so many times before and I was tired of letting him off the fucking hook. He needed to know that his actions, his words, meant something.
‘I don’t want to have this conversation now, Joe.’
‘But, Freya, we need to talk about it. You need to come home.’
‘I don’t need to do anything.’
‘But you can’t keep living at your mum’s house. Marmalade must be driving you crazy. Seriously, how many times has he mentioned the air fryer?’
I looked at Joe and he smiled at me. He was doing what he always did. He was trying to dampen any sense of drama, of emotion, with comedy. It was, after all, what he was good at, and I felt myself soften slightly. It had always been so hard to stay angry at Joe.
‘A few but that isn’t the point. I’m still so angry at you for what you did.’
‘I know, and I’m so sorry.’
‘You said.’
There was a pause. A momentary silence. Joe took a step closer to me.
‘Freya, when we had the argument, you said you’d thought about us and that maybe there was a chance of us giving it another try. I don’t want this to get in the way of us.’
‘There is no us, Joe. I had thought about it, was thinking about it, but then I found out about the show and now I know I can’t trust you. First there was therapy and now this—’
‘I’ll go to marriage counselling together,’ said Joe suddenly. He was looking at me with a serious expression, a determined look that gripped his entire face. ‘I want to do that for you. For us. Freya, I want to give us another go.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Joe was looking at me with an expression of hope and it was impossible to know what to think at that moment. For so long, I had begged him to see a marriage counsellor and he had always said no. The long conversations that had resulted in us sitting in Pelicano Coffee Co and putting together our ‘Manifesto of Separation’ had been one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. I didn’t want our marriage to be over. I didn’t want to start again, build a whole new life from scratch on my own, but I had realised it was the only solution left when we had tried and failed for eighteen long months to reignite the flame in our relationship. Now, when I had finally given up hope, when I had lost all faith in him, he turned to me and gave me the one thing I had wanted for so long. It was almost fucking cruel.
‘No!’ I said.
‘What do you mean, no? Don’t you think we can be saved?’
‘It isn’t about that, Joe. I asked you again and again to see a marriage counsellor and you said no. I tried everything to make our marriage work. I have shared this house with you since March and it’s now the middle of August, and even when I thought we were making progress, and fuck, I did think we had a chance, you drop the bombshell that you had been lying to me for months! Now you want to see a marriage counsellor and give us another shot. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?’
I couldn’t help the tears that started to slide down my cheeks. I was so tired of crying.
‘I know and I’m a fucking idiot, I am, but I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work. I’ll put in the effort, talk to a therapist together, and I promise no more lies. I have changed, Freya. The last four and a half months living together in this house has made me realise just how much I still want you and need you. I took you for granted, took us for granted, but having some space from our relationship but remaining together has changed everything for me. I still love you. Am still in love with you, Freya.’
I didn’t know what to think, but I knew I couldn’t have that conversation with him yet. I quickly dried my eyes, and then I looked at Joe, as Dolly was suddenly in the room again.
‘Elle can make it at about seven, does that work?’ said Dolly, who quickly sensed the tension between us, and probably saw my face. ‘Oh, shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to—’
‘No, it’s okay,’ I said. ‘Seven is fine.’
‘Right, okay,’ said Dolly uncertainly, and then she turned around and left.
‘I’ll see you at the restaurant,’ I said to Joe, and then I left, walking quickly out of the kitchen and up the stairs to my bedroom. If there was one thing I needed at that moment, it was some peace and quiet. I flung myself down on my bed, and I lay there staring up at the ceiling, unable to comprehend the conversation I’d had with Joe. Did he really want to get back together or was he just freaking out because the reality of Dolly leaving and us selling the house was fast approaching? Did he really want to see a marriage counsellor, or was it just one final futile attempt to save our marriage because he was more scared of being alone than talking to a stranger about his feelings? The problem was that I just couldn’t trust him any more. He had lied too much, too often, and it had left a hole in my heart I wasn’t sure he could fill again.