Chapter Thirty-Eight
Freya
It had been an incredible few days, and we had already seen and done so much. After a little bit of tiredness and jet lag when we had arrived, on the first full day in New York we had been to Central Park, eaten the best pizza of my life at John’s Pizzeria in Greenwich Village, seen the Friends building, gone to the Friends Experience, taken the subway, which was nothing like the London Underground, had some delicious coffee, and then a great night out at a bar on the Upper East Side. On day two, we had taken the ferry to the Statue of Liberty, gone to see the 9/11 museum, which was difficult and emotional but well worth it, and we were spending the night at a rooftop bar in Midtown with sweeping views across the city skyline. It was a gorgeous evening, the views were to die for, and so were the drinks.
‘My feet are literally dying,’ said Debs. ‘How far did we walk today?’
Caroline looked at her Apple Watch. ‘Almost twenty-five thousand steps.’
‘Which is how far in old money?’ asked Debs. ‘For the people without Apple Watches.’
‘Almost twelve miles,’ said Caroline.
‘No wonder my feet feel like they’ve been attacked!’ said Debs.
‘Tomorrow is going to be even more walking,’ said Lucy. ‘Sorry.’
‘It’s okay,’ said Debs. ‘I need to walk twelve miles just to walk off all the food!’
It was true that our New York diet had been quite carbohydrate heavy. Most days we had bagels for breakfast, pizza for lunch and sometimes dinner, and also lots of dessert. If we didn’t all want to return to Cold Water Club a good stone heavier, we needed to keep walking. As we sat there, Lucy’s phone buzzed with a text. She looked down at it, smiled, quickly texted something back, and then put her phone back on the table.
‘Who was that?’ I asked.
‘Stuart,’ said Lucy. ‘He couldn’t find something for George, needed help logging into the online banking because he had somehow locked himself out, and he loved me.’
‘Men. Bloody useless without us,’ said Helen.
‘Totally true,’ said Caroline. ‘I’ve had over fifteen texts from Mark in the last day alone, asking how to do things. I just replied, figure it out! Honestly, if something happened to me, I’d give them a month before they were basically savages.’
‘Oh my God,’ said Lucy. ‘If something happened to me, Stuart wouldn’t know how to do anything. He’s great at work, but essentially just another child at home. Actually, now that I think about it, George is probably more useful.’
‘Do you think they do it on purpose?’ asked Amy. ‘Fergus and I don’t have any children, so he doesn’t have that excuse, but the man can’t even put on bed sheets properly!’
‘I believe it’s called weaponised incompetence,’ said Lucy. ‘I know for a fact Stuart intentionally does things badly, just so I’ll do them instead.’
‘Mark, too! I mean, how hard is it to unload the dishwasher? He will go into the dishwasher in the morning, take out what he needs, and leave the rest!’ said Caroline.
‘Now that is lazy!’ said Helen, as our food arrived, and we ordered more drinks.
I had been having such a great time in New York, and being with my Cold Water Club ladies had been incredible, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Joe the whole bloody time. Hearing the other ladies complaining about how useless their husbands were without them, it did make me think about Joe and that, despite his shortcomings, he was good around the house, and our marriage was for the most parts an equal partnership. At least it had been for so long. All I wanted to do was enjoy the sights and sounds of New York, the incredible food and energy of the city, but I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering back to Joe and wondering whether, after everything that had happened, could we save our marriage?
I had been in my head about it since take-off from London, perhaps it was time to share it with the group and get their perspectives. They were, after all, my closest friends and I trusted them and valued their opinions. Once everyone was settled with food and drinks, I decided to bring it up. We were at a rooftop bar in New York with the most incredible views. What better place to try and decide the rest of my life? This was real-life Sex and the City !
‘I need some advice,’ I said, looking around at the group.
‘We’re listening,’ said Lucy.
I took a moment to compose myself and collect my thoughts before I started speaking.
‘I think I mentioned before we left that Joe and I had a huge fight. What I didn’t tell you was why. He’s written a new show, and it’s getting commissioned by the BBC—’
‘That’s great news!’ said Caroline excitedly before her face slipped into a frown. ‘Right?’
‘It is. Joe’s spent so many years trying to get a show on TV again, and he’s achieved it and it’s great for him. The thing is, the show is entirely about the break-up of our marriage, and he never told me he was writing it. He never asked for permission to use our pain, our heartbreak for a show, and when I found out I was so angry with him—’
‘Rightfully so!’ said Debs. ‘That’s disgraceful behaviour.’
‘It is,’ I replied.
‘I can’t believe Joe would do that to you,’ said Lucy.
‘Me either,’ said Caroline. ‘I hope you told him exactly what you thought of him.’
‘I did. I was so angry, still am, but he also told me he’s still in love with me, will even see a marriage counsellor together, and just before we took off, he left me a voicemail and said he’d even give up the show for me.’
‘Wow!’ said Lucy. ‘I mean, obviously what he did was totally shit, and I understand the trust issues, but it sounds like he’s prepared to give up a lot for you.’
‘I know, but he still lied about seeing a therapist, he lied about the show he was writing, and the last eighteen months of our marriage were pure dog shit, if I’m honest. But the thing is, living together these past six months but not married, it’s, I don’t know, made me see him in a different light. I was actually thinking about us getting back together again before I found out about the show.’
‘So now you’re conflicted and want our advice?’ said Debs.
I looked around at my group of ladies and smiled. ‘I do. Although there’s something else, too. After I had that huge argument with Joe, I went to see Sam—’
‘Sam-from-work Sam?’ said Lucy.
‘Sexy Sam?’ said Amy with a salacious smile.
‘The very same, and we kissed.’
‘OMG!’ said Lucy. ‘You and Sam kissed? What was it like?’
‘It was great,’ I replied. ‘Really great, actually, but it’s just, I can’t even think about Sam until I know how I feel about Joe. Which is why I need your advice.’
‘Can I go first?’ said Caroline, and everyone, including me, nodded. ‘What he did was fucking awful. He lied to you and used your pain and suffering to write a television show without asking if it was okay. I’d be so angry with Mark if he lied to me like that. He’d be getting nothing in the sack for a good six months, and he’d need to cook me a lot of dinners, but ultimately the idiot made a mistake and if you think there’s even the smallest chance of it working out, I’d give him another go.’
‘Thanks,’ I replied before Debs jumped in.
‘I wouldn’t,’ said Debs with steely determination. ‘I think once the trust is gone that’s it. If Steve did something like that, I’d kick his ass to the ground faster than Usain Bolt with the wind behind his back. I’m sorry, Freya, but it’s a no from me.’
‘Even though he said he’d give up the show for me?’ I asked.
‘It’s a nice gesture, but you said it yourself, your marriage wasn’t good for eighteen months, and he’s lied to you twice in the last six months. How will you ever trust him again?’ said Debs.
‘I’m torn,’ said Helen, the only divorced woman in the group. ‘On one hand, I can see where Debs is coming from. Trust is so important in a marriage, and once you lose that trust, it’s hard to get it back again. On the other hand, being divorced and single in midlife is completely rubbish and I wouldn’t want that for you either. I suppose if I had to lean one way, I’d say, if you think you can trust him again, and if you still love him, then give it another go. Plus, I think him offering to go to counselling and giving up his dream shows that maybe he’s changed.’
We all looked towards Amy, the person in the group who had probably been through the most difficult of times, surviving cancer, and we all knew how much her husband, Ferguson, had helped her. Of all of us, she perhaps knew the most about the importance of a strong relationship.
‘I think I’m with Caroline,’ said Amy. ‘A swift kick in the balls and then you move on!’
I think we were all taken aback by Amy’s blunt reply, and after a second we all laughed.
‘Okay, fine, I’m good with that,’ added Debs. ‘If Joe accepts a good kick in the balls then maybe take him back! But only on your terms and make them bloody good ones!’
We all took sips of our cocktails, and ate our food for a moment until I looked towards Lucy, who had yet to venture an answer.
‘Luce?’ I said. ‘What do you think?’
‘I think, I can’t really give you a good answer because I know Joe well, too, and he’s friends with Stuart, so it all feels a little weird. Plus, everyone else has given such good answers. I will, however, ask you this. Regardless of what he’s done, the trust issues, etcetera, are you still in love with him?’
This was perhaps the most difficult question to answer, and the one I had been rolling around my head for the past month. One of the reasons I had asked Joe for time and space was that I needed time to really think without being around him. I wanted to feel what it would be like to miss him because then maybe I would know if I was still in love with him or not. Could I imagine a life without him? Would absence make my heart grow fonder?
‘The honest answer,’ I said to Lucy, ‘is that I don’t know. I think I’m so afraid of making the wrong decision that I’m afraid to make any decision. At our age, everything feels so fucking hard, like if I mess this up, then I’m going to be back in the same place in another year when I’m another year older, with another year of wrinkles, more baggage, and another year of being sad. But then I think, what if it’s the best decision of my life? What if we’re happier than ever? Then there’s the possibility of Sam, or at least someone else different down the tracks, too, and it’s like, how am I supposed to know?’
‘I think that’s the thing about life,’ said Caroline. ‘Is that we never know. Whether it’s a wee decision or a huge one, we never know how it will turn out until it does. I say trust your gut.’
‘Hear, hear to that,’ said Helen. ‘Always listen to your gut.’
‘Thank you, ladies,’ I said, and I knew they were right.
‘Well,’ said Lucy. ‘With that, let’s toast to Cold Water Club, being here together in New York, and whatever happens with you and Joe, whenever I end up moving away with Stuart, and whatever happens with all of us, I just wanted to say thank you. Thanks for all the early mornings, the great chats, and just being there for each other. To Cold Water Club!’
‘Cold Water Club!’ we all said in unison, chinking our glasses together over the table, and then I looked at the view of New York, and it felt surreal to be there at that moment with those women. My life for the past six months since Joe and I had decided to separate had felt surreal. Almost as if I was watching it like a film rather than actually living it, and this was the same. Perhaps it was why I was having such a hard time making a decision. I knew when we landed back in London, when my feet were firmly back on British soil, I couldn’t keep avoiding it. Time and space only worked for so long, and so I needed to find out what that last piece of the jigsaw puzzle was. What was the thing that was holding me back from making a decision and would I find out over the course of the next few days in New York?