Chapter Thirty-Nine
Joe
‘Do you really think the sign is a good idea?’ said Dolly.
‘Yes, Dolly. It took me ages to make,’ I said, taking the rolled-up paper that contained the sign, and laying it out on the hallway floor.
‘And you don’t think it’s a bit shit?’
‘Clearly you do.’
‘No, I think the sentiment is fine, Dad, I do, it’s just… Do I really have to hold it up in front of the house where everyone can see us? Like neighbours, people passing by, and drones?’
‘I can’t exactly hold the sign on my own, can I, and drones, really?’
‘I literally saw a drone just the other day,’ said Dolly with a sarcastic smile. ‘I’m just not sure a big gesture is the way to go.’
I stopped for a moment and looked at my daughter. She was leaving for university in a week, and it felt like the moment to impart an important life lesson to her. All my years of experience and of writing about love, and she was going to get all of that knowledge in a single, succinct sound bite.
‘Dolly, when it comes to love, a big gesture is always the way to go,’ I said, and Dolly looked at me, shrugged her shoulders, then walked off to make herself something to eat.
The last five days had been absolute hell. I had wanted to call Freya, text Freya, and explain exactly how I was feeling, but I knew I couldn’t. She’d said she needed time and space and I had to give it to her. After days of ploughing through the turgid workings of my mind, I had come up with The Plan, thanks to my chat with Dad, and now I had everything in place. It had meant calling Carl, and asking for a huge favour from him, but he had come through in a big way and I hoped it was enough. The sign was just the opening gambit in my attempt to win Freya back, but the real surprise, the bit that had taken me all week to do and that I had only finished last night, was what would hopefully convince her I was serious. I had spoken with Dolly and explained everything, and she had been instantly on board with ‘The Plan’ – all except the idea of the sign, apparently – and so, there we were, waiting to greet Freya after five days in New York. The thing was, with almost a month of time and space and five days in New York with her friends, I literally had no idea where her mind was. Perhaps she had already decided that we were done, and nothing I could do or say would make a jot of difference – even offering to give up working on House Shared .
On the day before Freya was due to return, I had a Zoom call with Carl, and we spoke for an hour. He’d had a meeting at the BBC and they were willing to offer me a very generous financial package, and initially they wanted ten thirty-minute episodes of House Shared , although, depending on viewing figures, it could be more. I would need to go up to London soon for meetings. Obviously, I hadn’t mentioned to Carl or the BBC that I had offered to scrap the whole project if it meant saving my marriage. If Freya did want to go down that route, I would, but I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation with Carl if that was the final outcome. I wasn’t thinking that far ahead though because I couldn’t. I had to just focus on today.
After a bowl of cereal, Dolly returned to the hallway with a cup of coffee for her and one for me. Freya had sent me her flight information before she had left, and so I had checked they had landed on time. Freya was officially back on British soil! I knew Lucy had booked a car to bring them all home, so fingers crossed she would be walking in the front door soon.
‘Thanks for the coffee,’ I said.
‘You’re welcome. It looked like you needed it. How much longer until she arrives?’
‘Best guess,’ I said, looking down at my watch for some reason, ‘the next thirty minutes.’
‘Right,’ said Dolly, taking a sip of her coffee, and I had to admit I was bloody nervous. No, I was more than nervous, I was absolutely terrified. Not just about the sign because it was, in no uncertain terms, a bit of a gamble, but because this was the rest of my life. I wanted to tell Freya how I felt and what I wanted, but if she felt differently that was it. We would be getting separated, divorced, and I would be alone. My life and dreams of us getting old together in tatters.
Dolly stationed herself by the front window so she could see when Freya pulled up outside, while I waited in the hallway with the sign. I imagined Freya arriving at Heathrow, and walking through the arrivals gate where they had filmed the opening scene from Love Actually . That montage of families and lovers reuniting to the voiceover of Hugh Grant telling us that love actually is all around. It was beautiful, and Richard Curtis had been right the whole bloody time. Was he ever wrong?
‘She’s here!’ Dolly suddenly exclaimed from the living room. ‘Mum’s home!’
The next second I heard Dolly running from the living room and into the hallway.
‘Right, I’m ready to hold the world’s lamest sign and completely embarrass myself,’ said Dolly. ‘You do know that someone might film it on their phone, and if Mum says no, and you start crying like a baby, it will be all over the internet in like five minutes. Hashtag not love actually.’
‘Hilarious. Now, grab your end of the sign and let’s go!’
I opened the front door, and then we picked up the sign and walked outside. Luckily it was a gloriously sunny day, and not pissing down with rain. I had decided on the sign yesterday morning, and I had gone out, bought the necessary materials and made it last night. The occasion felt like it needed a big gesture and this was definitely a big gesture. We shuffled outside and stood across the front of the house, holding the sign out wide so Freya could read it as soon as she arrived. A black Mercedes van was parked outside, and then the sliding door opened, and Freya got out. She stood on the pavement, and turned towards us.
She was looking directly at the huge sign that said in large, hand-painted letters:
FREYA JANE WALLACE, WILL YOU MARRY ME… AGAIN?
The moment she saw it, Freya’s hand went to her mouth, and then she slowly walked towards us. At the same time, Lucy got out of the van, dashed past Freya and then towards us.
‘Sorry, Joe, I really need a wee!’ said Lucy quickly. ‘Oh, nice sign.’
Lucy ran past us and into the house, as Freya slowly walked towards us. Other people were walking past the house and looking on with interest. I did see someone with their phone pointed at us. Was Dolly going to be proved correct, and if Freya rejected me, would I be all over social media in a matter of hours with some unfortunate romantic-comedy-based hashtag?
‘Joe, what’s this? Will I marry you? Again?’ said Freya, standing in front of me looking completely flabbergasted. Slowly, from the black van, other members of Cold Water Club emerged. I hadn’t met any of them yet, and so this was definitely going to be a talking point if Freya and I worked things out and they became a part of my life, too.
‘Hi, Mum!’ said Dolly, still holding up her end of the sign.
‘Hello, love,’ said Freya, still visibly shocked.
I took a deep breath, as time seemed to slow, and then I began to speak. Five days of thinking, planning and knowing exactly what I wanted to say to my wife.
‘Freya, when I was at the meeting at the BBC, they all asked me whether I thought the couple in the show would ultimately get back together, and I said I didn’t know. Honestly, I wasn’t sure, but then literally everyone in the meeting, including Carl as it turned out, said that they were clearly still in love, and it got me thinking. Everything that has happened to us over the last six months, the good and the bad, it’s all because I still love you. I probably wouldn’t have written a whole show about us, which turns out to be nothing more than a love letter to you, if I wasn’t still in love with you. I know I fucked up, have spent far too long taking you for granted, making mistakes, but if there is one thing I have learnt over the past six months, it’s that I don’t want to share a house with anyone else for the rest of my life but you.’
‘Oh, Joe,’ said Freya with tears pooling in her eyes.
‘I want to be unseparated from you, Freya, and I know it’s not going to be easy, and will require work, but I want to do the work. I want to grow old together and make our life exactly the way we had always dreamed about. I also know it will take a lot more than just a sign to show how much I love you, so if you’d like to come inside, I have something to show you.’
The other members of Cold Water Club were awkwardly hanging around on the pavement and then Lucy reappeared from using the toilet.
‘Can everyone come inside?’ said Freya.
‘Umm, well, what I made is quite—’
‘Dad,’ said Dolly. ‘I think everyone should see what you made. Plus, it’s probably a lot better than this sign. It is better, right?’
‘Yes, it’s better. Fine, everyone come inside!’ I said loudly so everyone could hear. It wasn’t in ‘The Plan’, but then again, none of this was in my life plan, was it?
We all marched inside the house and they all followed me into the kitchen diner. The room was completely dark, and I had set up the computer, which I had managed, with Dolly’s help, to connect to the television and I had it all ready to go.
‘Come in and sit down,’ I said nervously.
Everyone came in and found a seat.
‘What’s going on, Joe?’ said Freya.
‘Just watch,’ I said, going to my computer and starting the video.
The idea had come to me when Dad had mentioned the show. Somehow my mind connected the show to me creating a short film of our marriage – the story of us. Luckily, we had plenty of footage from our wedding, and then a little later, lots of videos of us on our phones we had taken over the years. What I needed from Carl was someone with the technical know-how to take all the footage I could find, edit it together, and put some music over the top. Fortunately, Carl knew exactly the person who was willing to help, and so we spent the next few days creating this film. The film Freya, Dolly, Lucy, the rest of Cold Water Club and myself had just settled in to watch.
After I had watched it for the first time, already with tears in my eyes, I had decided on the Snow Patrol song ‘You Could Be Happy’. Three minutes and two seconds of Snow Patrol brilliance would say everything I needed to say to Freya, and it had a wonderful poignancy to it that along with the film had me in floods. The film opened with footage from our wedding, and then some rather rough footage from our honeymoon, and then gradually over the years as technology improved and film quality got considerably better, shots of me and Freya together. Dancing at a wedding in Edinburgh, walking along a beach, playing with a very young Dolly, holidays abroad, simple moments at home we had caught on our phones, laughing and walking along the South Bank in London, on the beach in Brighton, ice cream and cocktails, and every moment I could find when we were so happy, and I hoped it showed Freya how happy we could be again.
I stood next to Freya through the whole thing, and slowly as we watched the film, I heard sobbing, and then I saw that Freya was crying. Lucy was in tears, too, and every other person in that room was also weeping. Eventually the film finished along with the music, and there was a black screen and the words came up:
I want to make you that happy again. Love you always. Joe x
Then it finished, I stopped the computer, and all I could hear was sniffling.
‘That was really lovely,’ said Lucy between tears.
‘It really was beautiful,’ said one of the Cold Water ladies in a Scottish accent, and then Freya stood up and turned to me. I looked at her, and she was obviously tired after a long flight, shocked, but the main thing she looked, above everything else, was beautiful.
‘What do you say, Freya? Will you marry me again?’ I said hopefully, and I waited with bated breath, until finally she spoke.
‘Firstly, Joe, that really was a lovely film, and secondly, I don’t know what I think. We separated for a reason, and I agree that there are reasons why we slept together again, and why despite everything, you still drive me crazy, but I don’t know if it means we belong together. Whether you and I can ever be that happy again.’
I had the sudden terrifying thought that I just wasn’t enough. My big gesture, my words, the film and all the years we had been married weren’t enough, and Freya was going to say no.
‘I’ve spent the last five days in New York having the time of my life. We ate incredible food, visited some amazing places, toured every location from Sex and the City , and saw the view at sunset from the top of the Empire State Building. And yet, every moment of the last five days has also been me thinking about you. Every day I woke up and we walked around New York, and I thought about you. When we were eating the most incredible pizza at John’s of Bleecker Street or drinking cocktails at a jazz bar on the Upper East Side, I was thinking about us, and yet I still couldn’t decide. It only occurred to me when we were coming in to land today that I had spent five days in one of the greatest cities in the world, with my best friends, and all the while, I had been thinking about you and me, and surely that meant that I still loved you because, otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have been thinking about you while I ate one of the best bagels ever at Tompkins Square Bagels, and it was so good, but do you know what I thought? I wish Joe could taste how good this was.
‘So, Joe, I couldn’t make a decision about us, but what I came to realise is that you and I aren’t as simple as a decision. We are a part of each other. But before I answer your question, there is something I have to tell you.’
‘Okay,’ I said somewhat nervously.
‘The day we had the argument, when you told me about the show, I was so angry with you and I kissed Sam later that day.’
‘Mum!’ said Dolly, and everyone in the room looked towards her. ‘Sorry.’
‘I wanted you to know before I said anything else,’ said Freya, and I just looked at her and then I smiled.
‘I don’t care about that, Freya, it’s in the past. The only thing I care about now is the future,’ I said, and then I found myself getting down on one knee in front of her. ‘Freya Jane Wallace, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife again? In sickness and health, through good times and bad, and even when I’m being a bit of a knob, till death do us part?’
Freya looked down at me with tears in her eyes, and said, ‘Of course I will, you daft bugger, now stand up and kiss me!’
I stood up, took Freya in my arms, and our lips came together, and from all around us, all I could hear were whoops, cheers, and all I could feel were Freya’s lips on mine, and I knew I didn’t want to ever stop kissing her. Not now. Not ever.