Chapter 40 Chide
Chide
I’m not in the mood today. Maybe it’s because Mama’s leaving, maybe it’s because Nickoi’s acting shady, but the fuse was lit the minute I saw him end that call too quick.
We’re in the Starbucks parking lot, waiting on Mama and Gavin to bring out the orders.
I’d gone back inside for more money, came out just in time to see Nickoi hang up and slip his phone away like I wasn’t supposedto catch that. Convenient timing, no?
“Let go mi hand, Nickoi,” I grit through my teeth, glaring at him. If my hands weren’t caught up in his grip, I’d slapthe smirk off his face. He smiles like this is a joke to him.
“Let go mi hand, yuh think mi a joke wid yuh?!” My voice snaps sharp, louder now. I try pulling my hand from his, but he holds firm, calm like he knows something I don’t. That pisses me off more.
“A mi sister me a talk to eno b,” he says that like it’s supposed to make everything okay.
“Then mek mi see it.” Myeyes narrow, and his smilefades.
“Zara, mi say a mi sister,” he repeats.
“So why yuh hang up as mi walk out? Why yuh hide the phone? Wah unuh did a talk bout so deep yuh cya talk while mi deh round?” My chest rises with every word.
He sighs, frustrated.
“You too insecure. Mi nuh done tell yuh mi love yuh?”
“And yuh nuh see seh mi have every right fi question yuh? Mi nuh carry two pickney fi yuh? Mi nuh engaged fi married yuh in two weeks? If yuh serious, act serious!” My voice echoes through the car. He looks out the window, jaw clenched.
“Zara… let go mi shirt and ease back.”
Instead, I pull him closer by the collar. “Mek mi see fi mi self then. If it’s really your sister, show me the call log.”
His nostrils flare. “Jah know.” But he still doesn’t move.
Exactly. That’s all I need to know. I move quick, straddle him and slap him so hard his head turns.
The silence after is heavy. Then chaos. I don’t even remember how it escalated, but next thing, we’re shouting, grabbing, and it’s a full-blown war in the front seat of his car. World War Nara. And yes, I started it.
NICKOI
She swings on me again. I grab her hand.
I’m not trying to hurt her, but if I defend myself the way I know how…
I might. “Yow! Zara, stop!” I raise my hand, not to hit just to block.
She don’t care. She keeps shouting, fighting, flinging words I’m trying hard not to absorb.
But each one chips away at my restraint.
I feel it creeping in, that darker side. The one I don’t let out around her.
“ZARA, EASY NUH!” I bark, finally gripping her wrists tighter than before. She falls back in the seat, breath heaving.
“Cya believe mi so fool,” she mutters. I stare out the window, fists clenched.
The side of my face burns where she slapped me.
Still not as hot as the rage I’m swallowing.
She thinks I’m hiding a girl. But it wasn’t like that.
I was on the phone with British and my lawyer.
And yeah, it was a woman’s voice, but Zara doesn’t know the details.
She didn’t even allow me a moment to explain before she exploded.
She doesn’t understand that I keep things confidential because I love her, not because I’m being unfaithful.
If I share something with her, it’s because I’ve already thought it through.
Her reaction made it clear she doesn’t trust me.
And that? It hurts more than the slap. Gavin and Mama walk out with drinks, smiling among themselvesl. I wipe my face and push the heat down.
“Here, this one’s yours,” Mama says, handing me a cup.
“Thanks,” I mumble, resting it in the holder.
“Yuh alright?” she asks Zara. I don’t even look. I already know her voice off. I text Gutta to link me.
“Mama, some things come up. Mi bredgrin a pick mi up.” She raises an eyebrow at me. I don’t explain.
“Mi a go mek yuh drive the car,” I tell Gavin. He nods, quiet. Mama watches me too long, then finally puts down her cup.
“Nickoi, look at me.” I do. Her face changes. Gavin winces.
“Your face!” she gasps. I hate pity. It’s worse than pain.
“Wah happen, don’t feel like yuh no fi talk to we enuh,” mama says and I nod. I know.
“We a family,” Gavin adds and I nod, wondering if I should tell them.
Mama stares like she’s waiting for an answer.
Gavin too. But I’m not saying a word. I’m not trying to disrespect them, but this isn’t up for discussion.
“Everything gov,” I say. That’s all they’re getting.
Mama sighs. She knows better than to press.
Gavin nods like he understands, but I know him still a wonder.
Zara sits silent, arms crossed, tears threatening.
They’re silently staring. I glare at her for a beat.
We nuh lef… but mi need space. “Mi cya stay inna the car right now.”
“Mi understand,” Gavin says.
Mama sighs. “And look how mi did want yuh come.”
“Eeeh,” Gavin hisses. “Zara, a so yuh gwaan wid people?” I shake my head, eyes outside.
I don’t even want to talk anymore. My jaw still tight.
Ten minutes pass and nobody says much. Zara just sits there leaking tears, arms crossed.
I’m not even watching her. Mi deh pan my own meds.
Bout she come box man over foolishness. A white Crown pulls up and I immediately know it’s Gutta.
That’s my cue. I shift in my seat and glance at Mama.
She’s smiling, trying to hold it together.
“Miss Sandra, just keep strong yuh zi mi? Mi glad mi did get the chance fi meet yuh. We’ll link up again.”
She wipes under her glasses. “Aww, nuh mek mi cry now, just stay sweet, yuh hear? And take care of my moody granddaughter.” I glance at Zara.
“Yah.”I reach for the glove compartment. Not gonna let all this tension kill the moment I planned. “Gavin, come ‘round.” He leans forward as I pull out the suede box. Mama’s eyes light up.
“What’s that?” she asks. I crack it open without saying much. Two Pandora necklaces—Grandma and Granddaughter, their names engraved. A reminder. A promise. Even if they’re not together, this will keep them close.
“Whew.” Mama’s voice hitch a little.
“Pandora that?” Gavin asks. I nod once.
“Hot lakka drops!” He laughs. I hand Mama hers, rest Zara’s necklace on the armrest beside her. She finally look at me, face streaked with silent tears. I lean in, press a kiss to her cheek, and whisper in her ear—
“Mi love yuh, even when mi mad at yuh. Mek sure yuh know dat.” She breaks all over again. I pull away, pick up my wallet and walk away.
ZARA
The Next Morning
The sunlight slicing through the gliding doors tells me I overslept.
Jesus. I stretch against the headboard and glance over.
He didn’t sleep here. I knew it. The sheets too damn smooth.
As I get up, Mama and Gavin’s voices echo in my head, still scolding me from the ride to the airport, then the ride back. I didn’t even argue.
Couldn’t. They were right. I was wrong. Glad yuh know. I shake it off and walk over to the cribs. Their eyes light up when they see me. “Hey babies,” I coo, melting instantly.
“Awww, y’all woke before mommy?” They stretch toward me, arms wide.
“Hold on,” I tuck the bed tight first, can’t have no wrinkled sheets then scoop them up and turn on Chip and Potato. Zahir already eyeing the edge of the bed.
And mi nuh wah dead yet.
I lift him in the middle and circle them with pillows.
Then after tidying up, I lay out clothes for us.
Today feels like a pool day. Nothing too fussy.
I dress Zahira in a pink floral swimsuit with the ruffle neckline and tuck a matching rosy sunhat over her curls.
Zahir gets the floral swim shorts with a crisp blue sunhat.
I tie the strings under their chin. He grins up at me like he knows he’s sweet.
“Yuh know you is a face bwoy,” I squeeze his cheeks and press a kiss to their lips.
I shower and take my time with myself. I slip on a cream two-piece, throw on an oversized white linen shirt, tied loose in the front.
Sunglasses, gold anklet, and that one dainty chain with the Z charm.
My hair up in a slick bun. I rub suntan all over our bodies, then we’re ready.
We head outside. The infinity pool glimmers under the sun like glass, I still can’t get over how nice this house is, glass walls, white stone. Imagine, this is just the backyard.
I ease them into the pool with their floaties.
Zahira’s is a pink flamingo and Zahir’s is a blue and white shark.
They both have sunshades. They feel the pool water for the first time, and their giggles start immediately.
Water slapping, arms flapping. I keep them in sight, as I make breakfast in the Cabana kitchen.
Once I’m through, I grab my camera and snap a few pictures.
Then I send them to my phone. Zahira throws back her head laughing, Zahir tiny feet kicking.
I smile. I should start their baby page.
I have the username saved and everything, but dem father against it.
‘Too much eyes, mi nuh wah mi youth them expose to certain environment, nuh want this, mi nuh want that’ Tch.
Before we eat, I hit post on a picture of myself, floating around in the pool, my body in a mini arch, my elbows on the pool’s edge, as I prop down, looking up in my camera on my tripod.
It’s a grown, sexy picture, I added some randoms too, like my fruit plate, the infinity pool, my toes, and a no face, no case pics of my babies.
“Breakfast time,” I smile at them, placing the phone on the poolside beside me.
I pull the floating tray towards me. Inside I have sliced fruits, oats, scrambled eggs, franks, mini waffles, yogurt bites, juice in their sippy cups.
I sit at the shallow ledge, dipping my legs in while the babies eat and splash in their floaties.
It’s peaceful. Real peaceful. And for a second, I let myself forget the ache in my chest. But of course…
After breakfast, I lean back on the daybed, Zahira curled up beside me and Zahir fiddling with his floatie strap. I pick up my phone and dial the number I know will ease my mind today. Nicki answers on the second ring.
“Hey, morning!”
“Good morning,” I say, brushing a curl from Zahira’s forehead.
“Yuh good, Zara? A wah yuh deh pan?”
I hesitate. “Mi just feel like bring the babies over. Spend the day… dat okay?”
“Of course, mi gyal. Yuh nuh affi ask dat! Come wid mi nice, clean babies!” I laugh softly. Then I pause.
“Yuh… yuh see Nickoi from morning?”
“Nosah. Him nuh over deh?”
“No… probably by him friends,” I lie. Yuh s’pose to know. Especially when unuh live together.
She doesn’t press. “Yeah man, more while him deh a Rick. Mi a wait pan unuh.”
“Okay,” I nod. “Soon reach.” I hang up. After the call, I start replying to messages from coworkers and students.
Then I see one from Gavin. A quote. Something about women needing self-control in relationships.
I shake my head, smirking. Point made. I scroll through the usual status updates, birthday shoutouts, sad quotes, money posts until I see one from Nickoi.
I pause.
Now yuh interested?
Yes, because I just want to know where he is, without asking.
I turn off my read receipts before tapping it.
He’s with Gutta. Playing video games. Anna’s behind the camera.
On the glass table: weed, guns, Henny bottles.
And him? Dressed in all black. Looking like everything I miss.
I sigh, teeth tugging gently at my bottom lip.
Why did I go off like that yesterday?
I hate my temper. Hate that it pushes away the one person, besides my immediate family who actually had my back. He’s still mine, yeah, but it don’t feel the same. Not right now. You did that. I know. I need to fix this. But how?
“Ma ma,” a soft voice breaks through my spiral. Zahira. Looking at me like she’s been waiting for me to notice. Then Zahir shuffles closer.
“Ma ma,” he echoes with a little grin.
I blink. Did they just—
“Awwww!” I beam, smothering them in kisses. Their giggles bounce off the water, sweeter than anything else. These precious gems are mine?
Damn. I’m in love…