Chapter 41 Blur
Blur
Summer Walker’s “Toxic” hums in my ear. My body dips into another squat
—tight pink flare lounge set hugging my curves, low sleek ponytail, New Balances planted firm in the ground.
The irony of the song? Heavy. Four nights.
Four nights of sleeping alone. And somehow, I still see Nickoi every single day.
But it’s never really for us. He comes by to check the babies while I’m gone, disappears before the sun does.
Complicated isn’t even the word. He’s distant.
Cold. I already owned my part, told him everything.
Still, he won’t talk. Won’t even look at me the way he used to.
Is this payback? I bend low again, mind spiraling. If I had a time machine… I swear, I’d fix it all. A shadow crosses my vision. I look up. My trainer’s lips are moving. I yank one ear pod out. “You good, Zara?”
I flash a smile. She doesn’t need to know my man situation.
She squints, notconvinced, but walks off.
I slide the pod back in. Slouch onto the mat, legs out.
Heart heavy. Toxic still on loop. I pour my Fiji water down my throat and hum along.
“Maybe I took that sht too far… toxic, ooh, toxic…” My eyes sting.
Didn’t even notice how long I’ve been zoned out until she calls me again.
“Zara.” I sit up, wiping my eyes fast.
“Yeah?” I ask, pulling the volume down. She points toward the glass doors. And there he is. Nickoi’s posted up against the wall. That unreadable look in his eyes. My heart stumbles. How’d he even know where I’m at? Only Gavin knew. So him chat.
“He came asking for you,” my trainer says. I nod and walk past her. He doesn’t say a word. Just turns and steps outside. I follow. He heads to his GLE, leans back on the bumper like it’s built just for him. My hands slip into my pockets, when did that happen?
“Everything okay?” I ask. He looks up at me. Eyes tired. Jaw clenched.
“Mi good, man. You?” his eyes on me.
“I… am.” Then I see him. Malik. Getting out of his Audi, like the world not already spinning fast enough. I look away immediately. Feel Nickoi watching me. Watching him. Lawd Gad. Malik disappears inside. Nickoi turns back to me, eyes narrowing.
“Who dat?” I blink.
“Who?”
His voice drops. “Malik?” He smirks. Shakes his leg like he already knows the truth. My eyes fall to his Alexander McQueens pressed on the bumper. “A yuh ex?”
How’d he—
“How yuh guess that?” He takes a long puff of his vape. Smoke clouds his face like slow-motion.
“Mi just guess.”
I cock my brow. “He could be my friend… my cousin…” He pulls me to him gently, fingers curling around my wrist. Heat rushes to my cheeks.
“Weh yuh get the name from?” I ask.
“Mi know it,” he says, quiet but firm. I don’t even ask how.
“Gavin told yuh mi deh yah?” I question. He nods again. Then hops in the car. The passenger door swings open. Inside the GLE feels like a spaceship. Leather seats, soft glow, clean scent, mixed with that deep musk cologne he always wears.
“You probably a wonder why mi fawud,” he says, reaching behind the seat. I nod. He pulls out a duffle. Unzips it. Stacks of money. Then an envelope. He rests it on my lap, his fingers brushing against my thigh.
“Open it.”
I nod, heart racing. My hands unfold the envelope and I gasp. It’s my business licenses. Official. Stamped. Approved.
“Oh my God,” I whisper, eyes wide. I throw my arms around him. “Thank you… and I love you.”
“I love you too.” I glance down at the papers again. Boss Lady. For real. I look back at him.
“You coming home?”
He smirks. “I might.”
“You serious, babe?” I ask and he nods. Then exhales another cloud of smoke.
Before it drifts away, I lean in, lips on his, inhale the smoke, let it curl into me. Then I exhale into his mouth. His eyes blaze instantly.
“Come yer,” he rasps. I slide closer. His lips crashes into mine. His hand cups my breast. I laugh between kisses.
“You couldn’t wait.” He smirks. Then deepens the kiss.
Fingers slide between my thighs. I grind against him, slowly.
Our bodies speak in silence. His tongue circles mine.
He trails kisses down my neck. I rest my face against his chest and bite at his shirt teasingly.
Butterflies. Everywhere. Heat rising, then he stops. Just sits back.
He scrolls his phone. “Nickoi,” I breathe, chest rising. He shakes his head like nothing just happened.
“Why yuh do this to me?” I ask, voice shaky. He stays silent.
“Nickoi,” I repeat, “Why yuh doing this to mi?”
“Do what?”
“You avoided me for days. Now yuh playing with me too? I hate sleeping alone. A wah, yuh plan to keep mi sexually frustrated?” Tears pool in my eyes.
“Yuh win. Just stop,” I add.
“Mi never come fi stay long,” he says, still scrolling. “Mi just remember mi have a bredgrin fi check. Maybe mi link yuh later.” All him do is lie, lie and lie.
“You really coming home?” He licks his lips when I ask that with a nod.
I kiss him softly. “Okay. Be safe… later.” As I walk back in, Malik turns from the mirror.
“Zara… a the Don yuh breed for?” I grab the dumbbells and the GLE’s engine roar away behind me. But I’m smiling. Maybe because we made progress. Maybe because today… feels different. I brush my hair behind my ear, cheeks warm. What did Malik ask again? Irrelevant.
I press play again, Toxic still humming, and lift the weights like they weigh nothing.
Once it’s time to leave, I dry the sweat with the towel, my body still buzzing from the workout, but my head, still heavy.
Nickoi. Always Nickoi. As I cruise my Benz through the hills, my thoughts bounce between what almost happened…
and what didn’t. When I turn in and push the door open, Gavin’s laugh meets me before anything else.
He turns around, grinning like he knows something I don’t.
“Hey Gavin,” I say, stepping inside. “The babies sleeping?”
“Yes, m’ love,” he nods, following me toward the kitchen. He’s looking at me with that teasing kind of smirk. I already know what’s coming.
“Why you a smile so? Wah get yuh in such a great mood after yuh lef here sad?” I feel the heat rise to my face.
I’m blushing. The same person weh break mi heart…
kinda heal it halfway same time. I swirl my macha and gulp it with a smile.
“Um… gym was just nice,” I say, wiping my lip.
Gavin leans against the counter, arms folded.
“Who yuh see today?” He’s watching me too close. Reading between my smiles.
I roll my eyes, laughing. “Malik.” A straight lie, well, a half-truth. He doesn’t believe me, but he doesn’t press either. He just walks off toward the living room, slipping on his shoes.
“Mi a go leave now enuh, Zara. So take care.” I pull him into a quick hug.
“Later Gav.” He heads out and I head for my room. Still in my gym clothes, still feeling Nickoi on my skin like sweat I can’t get off. But for some reason… I’m smiling. Stupidly. Like something big is coming. Like tonight might actually mean something.
***
The lace hugs my skin. Fuchsia pink Fenty lingerie.
Soft and pretty. A little see-through. I run my hands down the sides of my thighs and glance in the mirror, smoothing my hair.
He’s gonna love this. I smile, more to myself than anything, and step closer to the mirror.
I shift my weight, tilt my head. Click. I take a few pictures with my phone, just capturing the moment.
It’s not about being sexy. It’s about feeling seen.
Feeling wanted. Feeling like… us again. I spot his MacBook on the dresser. Something tugs at me.
I set it up quietly, the Apple logo glowing in the dim room, and take one last photo, this time facing the screen, my phone held up mid-snap.
I don’t know why. I just feel like he’d smile if he stumbled on it one day.
Like… a reminder of how much I care. After, I wrap myself in my robe, the lace peeking through, I crawl back into bed.
Riverdale plays in the background while I tuck myself under the covers.
My eyes flick to the door. Then the phone. It’s 9:00. I dial him. Voicemail.
Maybe he’s still on the road. Maybe he’s almost here.
Maybe he’s picking up something nice and just doesn’t want to ruin the surprise.
I pull the blanket closer, butterflies still doing cartwheels in my stomach.
But time crawls. 9:45 turns into 10:00. Still nothing.
By 10:30, I can’t pretend anymore. I sit up in bed, my fingers loosely gripping the edge of my robe.
The room feels still, like it’s holding its breath with me. I glance at the phone again.
He’s not coming.
My heart sinks slow and steady. He told me he would. Promised, even. I wasn’t trying to be extra, just… special. I wanted tonight to feel like the start of something again. Instead, I feel stupid. Like I was waiting for a knock that was never coming.
I stare at the MacBook. At the reflection of myself in the screen, bare-faced, dressed up, holding hope in my lap like a gift he didn’t want to open.
A tear slips before I can catch it, my vision blurs.
This hurt bad. Because I really believed him.
And now I’m just here… wrapped in lace and silence.