Chapter 31
CHAPTER 31
SIMON
R aw, unadulterated need pulsed through me, my instincts screaming at me to do exactly what she’d just said. Emotion didn’t belong anywhere near sex and yet, I felt so many things when she looked into my eyes like that. Things I hadn’t felt since the last time I’d been with her.
Shit .
I wrenched away from her and grabbed a condom, groaning at even just the sensation of rolling it on. Abi watched me with heavily lidded eyes, her chest flushed and her nipples hard. So turned on that I could barely think straight, I crawled back over her and hissed when my tip came into contact with her hot, slick entrance.
My breathing shuddered, my spine already tingling. I held myself over her on my elbows, my mouth crashing back into hers as I rocked my hips forward. Slowly pushing inside, I let out a low moan, knowing that no one else had ever felt this good.
There was a reason I’d gone looking for her under every skirt for so long. Abi was so snug and tight that I could barely breathe for fear of losing it. I kissed her harder, sliding in and holding still for a moment as I felt her adjusting to me.
She shivered, her fingers tightening in my hair before she kissed me again, locking her ankles behind my ass and wiggling her hips to let me know she was ready for me to move. Another low groan tore through me, and my body slammed into hers over and over again.
Abi’s inner muscles started contracting around me in no time at all and I kissed her harder, taking note of every shiver, quiver, breathy moan. She made the sexiest noises I’d ever heard, her lips parting underneath mine every so often as her body started shaking.
“Come for me, Abi,” I ground out between kisses, and almost immediately, I felt her oblige.
The heat at the base of my spine finally ignited, my orgasm exploding out of me so violently that I collapsed beside her in the aftermath, panting and boneless as I draped my arm around her waist. “Shit, Abs. That was…”
I didn’t even have words to describe it. She glanced up at me, cuddling into my side and flashing me a lazy, sleepy smile. “Yeah, I know. We haven’t gotten any worse at that, have we?”
I chuckled and let out a deep exhale, my pulse slowly starting to return to normal. “We definitely haven’t.”
As a young man, she was all I’d ever wanted and I suddenly remembered exactly why. Abi was the complete package, smart and funny, a best friend, and a lover like no other. She got me completely and she’d always seen the best in me.
Even when I hadn’t deserved it.
On the other hand, nothing had really changed. My father was still between us—or at least, he would’ve been if he knew I’d been seeing her—and I’d hurt Abigail more than anyone ever had. Yet, as I turned my head and kissed her forehead, I had this weird feeling that maybe we could actually still work out.
“Good night, Simon,” she mumbled against my chest, her hair wrapped around the arm she was lying on and her breath feathering against my side.
“Good night, Abi.” I held her closer, only getting up to dispose of the condom before I crawled back into my bed with her and fell asleep.
Catapulted directly into a nightmare, I dreamed of the day I’d left Abi. Scenes unfolded that I’d lived almost ten years ago. My father’s office took shape in my mind. I felt my pulse hammering in my throat, my ass back on the uncomfortable, slippery leather upholstery of the upright chair across from him.
In front of me, the lines on his face had eased again, leaving him looking as young as he had that night. “Your brother’s death has to mean something, Simon. We can’t let him down and you cannot allow her to hold you back. Brooks would never have allowed it.”
“What are you talking about?” I frowned, just like I had that night. “Brooks loved Abigail. I love Abigail.”
“You’re a fucking teenager,” he raged at me, features contorting with disgust as he snarled the words. “What do you know about love?”
“I—”
“Be a man!” He pounded a fist on the table before thudding it against his chest. “I’m a man. Brooks was a man. You’re acting like a boy. Boys throw away their futures for a girl. Men go out there and make something of themselves.”
My blood ran ice cold, dread dripping like frozen nitrogen down my spine. “I am a man. Abi isn’t?—”
“She’s a distraction.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “For God’s sake, boy, do something to honor your brother. He was focused. He was going places. All you’ve done is let her lead you around by the dick. Stand up. Stand up now and end it before she does it first and you’re left with nothing .”
It hadn’t ended there. He’d kept me in that office for a long time and every moment of it happened all over again.
In the end, I’d caved. I’d wanted my dad to be proud and I did, in fact, want to honor my brother, so I’d gone and packed my shit. The next morning, I’d walked away from Abi’s doorstep feeling like I’d been stabbed in the heart. Only I’d been the one holding the knife.
Driving away from the Walkers’ house, I’d known I was giving up something precious, something irreplaceable, but I didn’t stop. I didn’t stop for long enough to ever thoroughly consider the consequences of what I’d done.
Not until I’d slammed to a halt the day after the race to see her turning around. Until I’d realized it was her. Until I’d registered the shock, pain, and hurt in her eyes.
“Hey, you’re okay,” Abi’s beautiful voice broke into my nightmares. “Simon? You’re okay. Everything is okay.”
My eyes wrenched open and I sat up, gulping air into my lungs and sweating like a demon. Blinking hard, the lingering vestiges of my dream refused to leave my mind. My head was still spinning.
“What the hell…” I muttered, leaning over and clicking on the lamp on my bedside table. I shoved my fingers into my hair, tucking my chin and focusing on inhaling and exhaling with the deliberate intent of getting a fucking grip. “What happened?”
“I think you were having a nightmare,” she murmured soothingly as she lifted her hand to stroke the hair at the nape of my neck.
I blew out a harsh breath, turning into her and letting my forehead lower to hers. “I definitely had a nightmare, but I didn’t realize that was what woke you up. I’m sorry, Abs. It hasn’t been that bad for a while.”
Her eyebrows tugged closer together. “Does that mean this is something you’ve been struggling with? You never used to…”
She trailed off, letting out a soft sigh before giving her head a gentle shake. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really, but yeah. It is something I’ve struggled with.” And not another living soul knows about it. “It started the night I left you that note, actually. They got better over time, but I guess they’re back.”
Her eyes widened as she lifted her head away from mine. “You’ve been having these nightmares for a decade? What the heck, Simon? That seemed bad. Are they about Brooks? Why on earth would that only have started that night?”
“Because they’re not about Brooks.” I said it matter-of-factly, but my heart was pounding again. “They’re about leaving you. I wake up in panic every damn time.”
Her lips parted, but she stroked my fingers through my hair again and brought her head down to rest on my shoulder. “We don’t have to talk about it, then. We can if you want to, but the last thing you need is more panic in the middle of the night.”
A dry chuckle rumbled out of me before I could stop it. “Actually, we do have to talk about it. I don’t want to, but the panic already happened and I think you need to hear about this.”
“Okay,” she said softly, and I felt her chest rise against my arm, her head never leaving my shoulder. “Okay, Simon. If you want to talk about it, tell me everything.”
“He used Brooks’ death to get me to leave,” I muttered bitterly, hating how pathetic I sounded but shit. I still had never gotten over that and I doubted I ever would. “The minute I left your house that morning, I knew I’d just made the biggest mistake of my life, but I couldn’t let him down.”
Abigail listened, simply nodding against my shoulder to acknowledge what I’d said. I inhaled a deep, sharp breath, knowing I needed to get myself under control or I was liable to start fucking crying or something—and that could not happen.
“He told me that I owed it to my brother to make something of myself instead of just following you around. All sorts of hurtful stuff that I hated hearing and I knew wasn’t true, but in the end, he said that maybe if I had been less focused on my little girlfriend, that I would’ve been at that party that night. That I could’ve driven him home because I’d have been there to see what a state he was in.”
I heard her breath escape her in a sudden hiss, her body going still as a statue against mine, but I wasn’t even done yet. “It took me years after that to see my father for who he really is. To realize that what happened to my brother wasn’t my fault and that my dad was just saying whatever it took to get me to fall in line.”
“I’m so sorry, Simon. That sounds terrible.”
“It was. Hell, in some ways, it still is, but nothing I can do will ever bring my brother back or change the past between us. I know that now. I’ve tried letting my dad know it too. I just don’t know if he heard me.”
“Eventually, he’ll have to hear you,” she said gently, finally lifting her head to look me in the eyes again and touching a palm to my cheek. “You’re not the same man you used to be, though. I see that now. I knew you when you were young and I’m getting to know you now that we’re old, and I feel like you should know you’re not the same kind of man that your father is, either.”
“A point of pride,” I said dryly, but I meant it. Sighing, I leaned into her touch and closed my eyes. “I put both of us through hell because I let myself be manipulated. How damn stupid is that?”
“You were a teenager and he’s your father. It doesn’t excuse everything, but I forgive you for that moment in time, Si. I don’t know what the future would’ve held for us and I honestly have no clue if we could ever work out again, but I do forgive you.”
Well, ouch. “You don’t think we’d work out again?”
She sent me a soft smile. “I said I didn’t know if we would, not that we definitely wouldn’t. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re both pretty feisty and stubborn. It’d take a lot of work.”
I looked into her eyes. “Do you still have that time capsule I gave you?”
“Nah, I threw that thing out the second you left. So crusty dusty.”
I felt the shock rippling across my face, my eyes growing wide and my nostrils flaring as my stomach dropped. Abi chuckled. “Just kidding. Of course, I still have it. Although it’s still locked, so who even knows what’s in it?”
I smiled. “Yeah, who knows?”