20. Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty
Now
T he walk down to the umbrellas is long and hot. Before coming to Hawaii, I don’t think I understood the amount of effort it takes to walk in deep sand. By the time I get to the chairs, I’m out of breath, and the hairs on the base of my neck are sticking to me.
I spot Noah right away. He’s lying back in the farthest chair on the right, shirtless, and reading. What a sight. There’s nothing I like more than a tall, attractive man, half-naked and reading. But God, why does it have to be this man?
The shirt he was wearing earlier is draped across the back of the chair to his left, saving it for me. He looks up from his book and smiles. “Hey, you made it.”
I run through the conversation I just had with Jordyn. Noah is attractive. Noah is funny. Noah and I have a past that should stay in the past. Noah broke my heart.
I smile at him cooly and toss the shirt onto his lap. He closes his book and sits up straight. “Hey, are you okay?”
I set my things down and fan my towel out onto my chair, trying my best to appear disinterested. “What? I’m totally fine. I think I’m just going to stay here on the beach and get some sun.” I clumsily attempt to move my chair out from under the umbrella. It’s heavy and extremely awkward to maneuver in the sand.
Noah looks at me with a tickled expression. “Want some help?”
“Nope. I got it,” I manage to say through my exertion. “You can read. Or, you can go do something else.”
“Excuse me, Miss?” I hear a deep voice from behind me say.
I drop the chair and turn to see a drop dead gorgeous man with long, beachy strawberry blond hair staring at me, just waiting patiently. Perfect.
“Oh, hi. Yes? What can I do for you? By the way, you can call me Jane.” I calm my breathing and whip out my brightest and most flirtatious smile for this poor unsuspecting man.
“Okay, then. Um, Jane. I was wondering if I could get you something to drink?” He brings one of his hands up to his chin and rubs the stubble there.
I can’t believe this worked out so well. I couldn’t have asked for a better time to have someone hit on me. I look at Noah and give him a big, confident smile before turning my attention back to my admirer.
“That’s so nice. I would absolutely love one. What are you going to have?”
“Oh, sorry. Um, I’m not having anything. I’m the server on duty, and I was just wondering if you would like anything from the bar? I’d be happy to bring you something?”
I feel my eyebrows raise. “Ha, of course you’re the server.” I clasp my hands together. “Well, in that case, I’ll take a mojito, please. Yes. A double mojito. I’ll take two double mojitos, please.” I turn to look at Noah and see he’s wearing an amused grin. He’s clearly enjoying this very unfortunate misunderstanding. “Do you want anything?” I say in a clipped tone.
“Nah, I’m good, my man. Maybe later.” He winks at his new friend and turns back to his book.
An exasperated huff escapes my mouth. Whatever.
I lift my coverup over my head and feel Noah’s attention shift to me. I pretend not to notice the way his eyes scan my body up and down, trailing slowly over every inch.
He lets out a heavy sigh, and I turn my gaze to him. The corners of his mouth turn up as he meets my eyes.
“What?” I say, but it comes out weaker than I want it to.
“Nothing,” he says with smug satisfaction.
Seconds tick by, but eventually, he’s the one who breaks our stare. As he slowly reclines back into his chair, I see him stealthily attempt to readjust himself, and a white-hot wave of vindication washes over my entire body. Got him.
I only know that I drifted off because I’m awakened by the sound of Noah rummaging around in his bag.
I open my eyes and turn to see him taking out his laptop. I lower my sunglasses and glare at him. “You brought your laptop to the beach? What are you?”
“Ha, what?
“ What kind of crazy person brings their computer to the beach?”
“The kind of crazy person who has work that needs to get done.”
“Well, have fun with the sand that’s going to get stuck in it and never come out,” I say with a superior shrug.
Then, I feel a tickle of something trying to work its way into my mind. Work. Did he just say that he has work to do?
“Hmm. Work. Did Howard ask you for something? Anything I should know about?” I’m trying to act like I don’t care, but I feel the worry start to prickle on the back of my neck.
Noah must sense this, because he responds to me like he’s talking to a toddler throwing a tantrum. “Calm down, it doesn’t have anything to do with the firm, Robins. My nephew has a presentation for school about what he wants to be when he grows up, and much to my successful neurosurgeon brother’s dismay, his son wants to be a lawyer ‘like Uncle Noah.’ I promised I would help put some things together while I’m here.”
The worry in my chest subsides. It’s not work. I’m not dropping the ball. “Wow, an attorney and a surgeon in one family? You guys sure turned out alright, huh.”
He gives me something that looks like a smile, but it doesn’t quite make it to his eyes. “Sure, I guess you could say that.” He turns his attention back onto his screen.
“Huh, I never would have tagged Tyler as a neurosurgeon type. I always thought he would end up doing something with soccer,” I say, resting my head back onto my chair.
“I did too. We were all shocked when he said he was going into medical school. I still don’t know how he could be smart enough for something like that, but he’s doing well for himself, so I guess he’s doing something right.” He raises his brows. “We don’t really talk much anymore, so I don’t know much more than that.” He shrugs and continues typing.
I’m stunned. When we were in high school, Noah and Tyler were as close as two brothers could be; they were best friends.
“We had a falling out after I graduated high school, and we just kinda went our separate ways after that. We still call each other on our birthdays, and I see my nephews a couple times a year, but other than that, I don’t really know him anymore.”
My chest aches at this admission. This isn't how things were supposed to turn out for him. “Noah, I’m sorry. Family shit is hard,” I say earnestly.
“Yeah, no kidding.” We sit in silence as those last few words float in the air between us.
“Well, maybe by telling your nephew how crappy being an attorney actually is, your brother will thank you for helping him dodge the bullet of his son choosing a terrible career. Then, maybe you two will start talking again.”
Noah looks at me through narrowed eyes.
“I mean, really, we both know that becoming an attorney isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Right?” I say, raising my brows.
“Continue,” he says, coaxing me with his hand.
“Okay, so we both agree that the money is good. But is that all there is? There are more days than not that I wonder if it’s worth all the ethical turmoil we face. I mean, you just told me at lunch that you question if you’re in the right place with your career, and I feel the same way.”
I shift in my seat, the sun suddenly feeling too hot on my skin. “I got into law to make a difference. To represent people that really need me. And, I’m not going to lie, it’s the career choice that makes the most sense because of my innate arguing abilities and my amazing organizational skills, but I don’t think I’m in the right place to do those things in the right way, ya know?” I’m feeling flustered, and my words are becoming jumbled and repetitive, but I started the word vomit, and it’s going to keep coming out. “Okay. So, I guess I like Schwartz & Adler, even if they’re sexist. I even like the new partner, Colin, but I don’t think I like corporate law. Atticus Finch wouldn’t do corporate law. Right? He would do something like immigration or family law. He wouldn’t be caught dead helping big multi-billionaire companies squash the little guys. Right?”
The words keep rushing out of me like an unstoppable river. “For example, last year I represented this large corporate chain, who had just put one of their sandwich shops on one of the busiest streets in Denver. A month after they opened, they noticed that this little mom-and-pop shop across the street had more business than they did. Oh, did I mention that this little shop also sold sandwiches, and they had been in that building for over thirty years? I digress, the corporation took the little shop to court, claiming that the building they were in wasn’t up to current code and should be turned into a parking structure instead. After months of back and forth, we, of course, won. We closed their little business, and I got a huge bonus.” My shoulders fall. “I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to have to walk these morally gray lines every day. I want to be in front of a judge and know that I am on the correct side of the argument standing up for what’s right. That’s what I want.”
“Okay, Legally Blonde.” He stops me from responding by putting his hand up to my mouth, shutting me up. My eyes go wide with anger. “Logan, my nephew, is only six, so I don’t think I need to go that in-depth about the ethics and morality of what we do.” I start to object, but he puts his other hand up, stopping me again. “Even though I one-hundred percent agree with everything you just said.”
I’m speechless. He agrees with me. He looks at me and asks with his eyes if he can remove his hands from my mouth, or if I’m going to bitch him out for calling me Legally Blonde. I nod signaling that he’s safe.
“Logan told his dad he wants to be a lawyer because he thinks it’s funny when I argue with him.”
I laugh, despite myself. “Well, Logan and I have something in common then.” I make a show of wiping my lips with my napkin.
“Jane, tell me, is there anything at our firm that you do like?”
“Yes. I told you. I like our bosses, sort of.”
He laughs. “Is that it?”
I pause, thinking hard about this question. I go through the past few years at the firm. All the hard work, the late nights, and long days in court.
It took me years of dedication to get me to where I am, and I can’t even answer the simple question of what I like about it. “I don’t know.”
“Well, maybe you should figure that out?”
“Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn’t. Who knows, maybe while I’m here in Hawaii I will find my one true love, we’ll get married and have babies, and I can start my own pro-bono firm that helps the little guys.” I shrug my shoulders.
Noah cocks his head and gives me a quizzical smile.
I feel my cheeks start to heat, so I look away attempting to divert my attention. “But that’s enough about me. You go ahead and tell Logan how fun it is to argue for a living, while I sit here and continue to contemplate my entire future.”
He sits up straight, and I can feel his gaze burning a hole through my body. “Why are you always so worried about everything?”
“What?”
“Why do you over-analyze every single thing that you do? I mean, even when we were younger you were like this, and I was really hoping that after…what…fourteen years, you would have been able to stop trying to control everything, and maybe see some good, or I dunno, hope or something?”
I feel the world around me start to spin. The sting of embarrassment hits me, and a lump begins to form in my throat. “Wait, what? You’re really going to bring up the past now?” The tremble in my voice is noticeable. “I overthink and try to control things because I have to . I’ve always had to.” I hold his gaze. “And you of all people have no right to tell me not to.” I still myself, the pain of the past squeezing my chest.
“Honestly, Noah, what you did that night, all those years ago, showed me that I can only count on myself. It proved to me that if I let my guard down, bad things happen.” A single tear escapes my eye and trails down my cheek. “ You left me .”