Not Up for Debate

28. Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Now

M y insides are a mess. I’m so nervous to see Noah today; I feel like I could vomit. Which I would prefer not doing, because I just finished putting on my makeup. I’m sitting in front of the mirror in my hotel room, counting down the minutes until the luau. Well, really I’m just counting down the minutes until I get to see Noah.

After I ate my brownie last night, which was absolutely incredible, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything he did for me yesterday.

Not only did he carry me all the way down a slippery mountain, he propped my foot up, gave me medicine, then ended the day by supplying me with chocolate. My stomach does another flip.

If you told me a week ago I would be seeing Noah Riley again, I would have laughed in your face. Then, add in the fact that it’s been a positive experience, and I might have actually slapped you in the face.

Nothing about these past few days makes any sense at all, and the more I think about it, the more confused I get.

Whenever I’ve thought about Noah over the last fourteen years, all I remember is how much of an egotistical asshole he was. Not once have I had any fond memories of him. Not once have I thought maybe that terrible night was a misunderstanding. Not once have I thought he could possibly be a good guy.

The night he left crushed me. I had finally given myself to someone, and he took that trust and threw me away. It fundamentally changed who I was. From that night on, I was more self-conscious, more insecure, more shut off from people, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly healed from that.

But now, hearing his apology and seeing the regret in his eyes has made me question if I ever truly saw him for who he is. I’ve spent the last fourteen years believing he was the worst kind of man for what he did. But if he didn’t want to abandon me that night— if he was being a good man, showing up and caring for someone who needed him, just like he did for me yesterday— that changes everything. Noah is a good man, and he’s been a good man all along.

Yesterday, he proved to me that he can handle hard things. He proved to me that he’s kind and compassionate toward others. He proved to me that he doesn’t only care about himself.

These are all things I never thought Noah Riley could be, but I’ve been so wrong. He helped me. He stayed with me. He laughed with me. He cared about me. I bite my bottom lip, trying to hold in the tears threatening to let loose.

I just want tonight to go well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going into it expecting anything, but I do know that Noah deserves an apology from me. I want him to know that I finally see him for the man he really is, and not the man he’s been in my head for the past fourteen years.

I put on my lip gloss and take the claw clip out of my hair. Letting my loose waves down on my shoulders, I stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t recognize the woman staring back at me. I know it’s a total cliché, but this isn’t the same Jane that came to Hawaii just a few short days ago.

The Jane staring back at me is a woman who’s starting to realize she may not have everything all figured out. All the control and order I force on myself doesn’t mean I understand everything. It doesn’t mean things can’t touch me, or hurt me, or surprise me. It just means I demand a high level of perfection that’s completely unattainable. It just means that I’ve made myself miserable my entire life by not letting myself or others be human.

The last few days have shown me that maybe it’s okay if life doesn’t go exactly how I’ve planned. Maybe it’s okay if life waves things in my face and says, “What Jane? What are you going to do about this? Why are you here? What do you want?”

For the first time in my life, I don’t think I have any answers for these questions. I mean, it’s been less than a week, but I’m finding myself actually thinking about these things and not just shoving them away for Later Jane to handle. Maybe it’s time for Today Jane to start helping Later Jane out every once in a while. Maybe Today Jane can stop pretending that everything is fine all the time. Maybe Today Jane can stop putting hard things off for another day, because those days never seem to come.

I stand up from where I’m sitting and smile at my reflection, finally able to see who I’m supposed to be, and I think I love it. There’s a certain lightness in my face I haven’t seen in a long time, and it looks good on me.

My blue and white floral dress is loose and flows around the curves of my body. The low-cut front is tasteful and beachy but also revealing enough to make me feel incredibly sexy. My new silky baby blue panties underneath help with that as well.

I do a little twirl in my dress, and I feel like a million bucks. Even my ankle feels better today. There’s only a little bit of swelling left, and I know I only have Noah and his doctoring skills to thank for that.

On my way out, the door handle catches on my dress, and I let out a little yelp. My dress has pockets ?! This day just keeps getting better.

Walking out of the resort, I’m met with the most vivid, colorful sunset I have ever seen. Swirls of oranges and yellows mixed with intense shades of pinks and purples blanket everything I see. It feels more like a painting than real life.

The only thing tethering me to reality is the feeling of the late afternoon breeze caressing my skin and gently tossing my dress around my legs. I’m completely stunned by the beauty of it all; I never want to leave.

I’ve never been to a luau before, let alone one in actual Hawaii, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. However, as soon as I get here, I know what I’m seeing far exceeds anything I could have ever imagined.

Tiki torches line the perimeter and twinkling lights hang overhead. There are tables all around decorated with beautiful floral arrangements, and a large stage full of dancers sitting right in the middle. I’ve never believed in magic, but if I did, I’m pretty sure this is what it would feel like. The Aloha Spirit is real, and suddenly, it’s all around me.

I spot Noah sitting at a table with the newlyweds, Lauren and Justin, from our snorkeling trip. Noah looks good. Better than good. The collar of his white linen shirt is open just enough so the hard lines of his collarbone peak through, and his pushed-up sleeves are showing off those thick veins that snake around his muscular forearms. My whole body heats.

Lauren throws her head back laughing at something Noah says, and Justin begins wiping away tears of laughter with the back of his hand. There’s so much joy in their moment, and again, I find myself questioning how Noah does it. How he’s able to make everyone around him abandon all of their cares and be totally present in the current moment. He makes everything feel so natural. So easy. So real. I can’t look away from him.

“Jane!” Lauren says brightly, getting up from her seat and wrapping me in a warm embrace. “We missed y’all so much! I’m so glad we got to run into you again!”

“Same to you guys. How has your vacation—I mean, honeymoon—gone so far?” I ask.

“Oh, we’ve had more fun than I ever could have imagined. The snorkeling trip was just the beginning, and we have not slowed down since. What about y’all? This guy right here was just telling us that you two went to the volcano yesterday. How was that?” Lauren nudges me with her elbow and raises her eyebrows up and down as we make our way closer to where her husband and Noah are sitting.

Noah turns to me, and his face changes. The carefree breeziness that he had with Lauren and Justin has taken a back seat and in its place is something more complex, more intense. I can see the weight of my presence reflected in his stare, in the way his eyes darken as he looks me up and down. His shoulders rise as he takes a deep breath. His lopsided smile appears, and he says, “Jane, hi. Glad you made it. How’s your ankle?”

He gets up from his chair and pulls out the one next to him. He motions for me to sit, and his eyes do an ever so brief glance down to my boobs, and then right back up. “You look great, by the way.”

A smug smile appears on my lips, and I take my seat. “Thanks, Noah. You too. And my ankle feels much better, thank you.”

“So, tell me about this volcano tour. I think Justin and I should do that before we go home.” Lauren rests her hand on Justin’s thigh, and he places his hand on hers. Gosh, they’re so freaking cute.

“Well, funny story, on our way up, I twisted my ankle in the mud, and we didn’t even make it up to the crater.” I unfold my napkin and put it on my lap. “Noah actually carried me all the way back down the mountain.”

“Nice, man. Good job.” Justin raises his hand in a high five to Noah.

Noah delivers his high five and smiles.

“She makes it sound more heroic than it was.” He turns to me and winks.

“So, let me get this straight, you two friends/not friends went on an exotic volcano tour together and you,” Lauren says pointing her long finger at Noah, “carried her,” turning her finger to me, “down a mountain, and you’re not dating?” She looks at us through narrowed eyes. “Sure. That makes sense,” she says with a knowing smirk.

Before either Noah or I could explain our confusing state of affairs, cute little Ashley from the spa makes her way over to our table, and I can tell this is going to make things so much worse.

“Ohmygod! Mr. and Mrs. Schwartz! It’s so good to see you!” She says, giving me one of those awkward hugs when one person is standing, and the other one is sitting. “I’m so glad I got to run into you again. Sven and Anya haven’t been able to stop talking about you two. You left quite an impression.” She smiles. “I told them I’ve never seen a more attractive married couple than you guys. Ever. Like in my entire life.” She pauses and gazes at a stunned Lauren and Justin at our table. “No offense, if you guys are also married.”

“Oh, none taken,” Lauren says, words dripping with sarcasm. “How do y’all know each other?” She wags her fingers between us and Ashley.

“Oh, sorry. I’m Ashley!” She reaches her hand out to shake Lauren’s. “I work at the spa. Mr. Dumont, the owner of this entire place, scheduled these two for a massage the other day. We went all out for them because, I mean, they know Mr. Dumont, so we gave them literally the best couples’ experience we could think of.” She smiles at me expectantly.

I can’t look away from Lauren and Justin. They’re hanging on Ashley’s every word, and I know the gears in their minds are churning with questions.

“You guys liked it, right?” She asks, worry creeping up on her face.

“Totally, Ashley,” Noah chimes in. “It was by far the best massage experience we’ve ever had. When we talk to Mr. Dumont next week, we’ll definitely tell him how amazing it was. How amazing you were. Thank you so much.” Noah smiles at her, saving the day, again.

I see Ashley’s cheeks blush, and it’s only then that I notice how young she really is. Out of her spa uniform and in some colorful beachwear, I can tell that she’s no more than nineteen. “Thank you so much, Mr. Schwartz! That seriously means so much to me.” She says, voice shaky.

“No problem. Also, you can call me Noah.” He offers a small nod. Still not breaking the spell.

“Okay, Noah . Thanks again,” she says, the blush deepening on her cheeks. “Well, anyway, I’m gonna get my seat. I have tomorrow off, so I decided to bring my sister to the luau tonight to have some fun. My next day is Monday, so if you’re still here, be sure to stop by and maybe you could sneak in another massage before you go back home.”

“Sounds wonderful,” Noah says, exuding charm.

“Okay, well, it was nice to meet you!” Ashley motions to Lauren and Justin. “And it was good running into you again, Mr. and Mrs. Schwartz.” She waves her goodbyes and leaves our table to go find hers.

I don’t want to look up. Somewhere in the middle of all that mess I made myself stare down at the napkin in my lap. I honestly have no idea what I’m going to find when I look up.

A few silent seconds tick by. I’m desperately wracking my mind for something to say that could sort out the confusion, when I hear Lauren erupt into a thunderous cackle of a laugh. My head snaps up and my eyes search for Noah’s. He meets my gaze and his face cracks into a smile of his own. I’m not sure I understand what’s happening.

“I knew y’all were hiding somethin’! Didn’t I, babe?” She hits Justin in the chest, and he beams at her, totally enthralled by what’s happening.

“The night we got home from snorkeling, we laid in bed, and I told him that there was no way y’all weren’t dating, and now I find out y’all are actually married?!” Her laughter slows, but her face is still radiating happiness. “You know, you didn’t have to hide the fact that y’all are married.” Her smile is sincere, and I can tell she’s meaning every word she’s saying. “Y’all weren’t good at hiding it anyway. I saw the way you two were actin’. I could tell y’all were made for each other the minute I saw you whisper in Jane’s ear before we even got on the boat. You should have seen her face, it turned red as a beet.”

I feel a rush of heat pass through my entire body as I remember the words he said to me before we got on the boat. I like you better in the little red one anyway. I know I shouldn’t do it, but I chance a quick glance at Noah, and I see him staring at me, undoubtedly recalling the moment as well. I instantly regret my decision to look at him.

The way his eyes are boring into mine makes my core tighten and my heart race. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He always has.

“Hmm, I don’t recall,” I say, my voice cracking.

“Y’all are too funny.” Lauren grabs Justin’s hand in hers. “Anyway, we’ll leave you two love birds to enjoy the luau together in peace. We’re gonna get some of that yummy pork I’ve been eyein’ on everyone’s plates.”

Justin stands up and pulls out her chair for her, then reaches into his wallet and hands Noah a business card. “Hey, if you guys are ever in Alabama, please don’t hesitate to give us a call. We’d love to have you over.”

“For sure, man. Thanks. Same goes to you if you ever find yourselves in New York.” I kick his knee from under the table. “Ouch. Oh, I mean Denver. If you’re ever in Denver, you can call us. Or New York. We both live in both. Of those cities.” He could not have been any less smooth saying that sentence if he tried.

The newlyweds look at us with such a strange fascination on their faces that I can’t help but laugh as Noah takes a nervous drink.

“You two just keep surprising us. Keep in touch, okay?” Lauren adds as she links arms with her husband, turning to walk away.

With Lauren and Justin gone, it’s just Noah and me at the table now. I’m not entirely sure what to do with myself. Suddenly, my arms feel too heavy, my head feels too big, and my legs can’t find a natural way to just sit here.

I feel out of sorts, and I don’t like it. When it’s just me and him, it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. Not in a bad way, just in a less organized and less aware version of myself way.

“That was rough.” He shakes his head and lets out a little snicker.

“Ha, I know. I’m shocked Lauren thought it was so funny. I was scared she was going to think we were part of one of those crime rings where people pretend to be wealthy married couples and go on fancy vacations to pull off elaborate art heists or something like that.”

Noah looks at me, brows knitted in amused confusion. “Excuse me? What?”

“Haven’t you ever watched one of those kinds of movies? They’re literally everywhere. They’re usually true stories too.”

“Nope. That’s not a real thing.” He crosses his arms over his chest.

“Oh, it so totally is, and with the way we just handled all of that, I’m sure that’s exactly what’s going through Lauren’s head. We acted so fishy, there’s no way she believes anything we just said. She definitely doesn’t believe we’re married. Also, Ashley let it spill that we knew the boss and that we’re both attorneys. From different cities! Working on the same case! This whole situation screams covert art thieves.” I look at him, both eyebrows raised.

A hearty laugh comes from deep within Noah’s chest, and I can’t help but feel it in my body too. “I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it, Robins.”

“Guess so.” I shrug my shoulders. “So, if you don’t watch true crime art thief shows, what do you watch in your spare time?”

“I don’t really watch anything . I usually just read when I have any extra time on my hands, which is not as often as I would like.”

“I hear that. Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have to work at all and could just sit in a cozy corner and read all day?” I can feel the tension ease a bit and sense that we’re both starting to relax. “I mean, I much prefer reading to watching TV too, but there’s absolutely a time and a place for trashy reality shows, amIright?” I put my fist up to him waiting for a fist bump, and none comes.

“Robins, I think that right there is the most untrue thing you’ve ever said to me,” he says with a completely straight face.

“What are you talking about? Noah, trashy reality TV is what makes the world go ‘round. Of course, I’m the first to admit they’re both equally as awful as they are essential, but that’s the honest-to-God truth. The world would not function properly without a look inside at the lives of the most unhinged of our species. It’s a necessary evil.” He’s staring at me like I am speaking an entirely different language. “I can talk about this all day, Noah.” I smile.

“I don’t doubt it, Robins.” He puts his hands behind his head and reclines back in his chair, watching me with that perplexed amusement he always seems to have.

“Why do you always do that?”

“What?” His dimples pop as he replies. God, he looks so good right now. I dramatically copy his posture. “This. Why do you always sit like this.”

He scoffs. “You don’t like the way I sit?”

“No, it’s not that, but it’s like you only do it when you’re making fun of me or something.” I’m still leaning back in my chair, but I cross my arms in front of my chest. “Sometimes, it’s like this though.”

He copies me now and crosses his arms in front of his chest, but, damn, it looks so much better when he does it. The defined muscles in his forearms are on full display, and I know I stare at them longer than I should.

“Like this?” He raises a brow at me in a challenge.

“Yeah, like that. Why do you do that?” I sit up straighter.

“I like watching you talk, Robins. I always have, and this is the way I sit when I like what I see.”

“Aloha. My name is Maya, and I will be your server tonight.” My ears hear this, but my eyes have yet to look away from Noah. He straightens in his seat and looks at the waitress who just arrived at our table.

“Can I get you two anything to drink besides water?”

Noah motions to me, inviting me to answer. “Um,” I begin, clearing my throat. I can’t focus, my mind is racing. “Sorry, what’s the question?”

Noah smirks.

Maya smiles, apparently not minding having to repeat herself. “Would you like anything to drink besides water?”

“Oh, I’ll take a glass of your house white wine, please. Thank you.” I grab my ice water and take a sip, hoping to calm my nerves. I’m definitely going to need something stronger.

“Excuse me, Maya,” Noah says, gazing intently at the menu in front of him. “I was wondering if you have any wild snorkel on the menu tonight?” Before I know it, the water in my mouth shoots out of my face and sprays all over our waitress.

Noah looks at me with wide eyes, and our poor, wet waitress purses her lips and wipes her face. “Um, I don’t think we do.” That’s it. That’s all she has to say before both Noah and I are laughing together in unison, barely even able to take in a breath.

When I catch my composure, I look at Maya. “I’m so so sorry that I spit on you.” I’m trying really hard not to laugh again, but it’s like trying to keep your laugh inside when your teacher tells you to be quiet, but your friend keeps making funny faces. “I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at something else. I’m so embarrassed. I really am. Is there anything I can do?”

She studies me for a second, then smiles. “No, I’m okay. I’ve been doing this for ten years. That is not the first time something like that has happened, and it definitely won’t be the last.”

I take a deep breath and dab my eyes with my napkin, hoping my mascara isn’t running from the tears of laughter that were just streaming down my face.

“I’ll be back with your wine. Feel free to look at the menu while I’m gone to see what you’d like.” She walks away, and again, we’re alone.

“So…What do we do now?” Noah says looking at me, his head cocked to the side.

I fold and unfold my napkin in my lap, trying to act casual. But everything about this situation is the exact opposite of casual.

I look up, and Noah is counting silently on his fingers. “What are you doing?”

“Seeing what I owe you?”

“What? Pretty sure you don’t owe me a thing. If anything, I’m the one who owes you.”

“I do. I owe you…” He continues counting. “Fourteen. Fourteen Happy Birthdays.”

“Oh, yeah. I guess, happy birthday fourteen times to you too.” My chest squeezes, and I feel the threat of tears prickling behind my eyes. These past fourteen years have been a wild ride. It’s crazy I’m now in my thirties, but inside, I still feel like that same eighteen-year-old girl standing on a coffee table, while a room full of strangers drunkenly sings me happy birthday. “God, that was so embarrassing.”

“What was embarrassing?” Oh, shit. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. Noah’s confused face is quickly becoming one of my favorite faces that he has. It also happens to be appearing more and more frequently.

“Remember the night of our eighteenth birthday, and we stood on that kid Landon’s huge coffee table, and people sang to us?”

“Oh man, I could never forget a room full of teenagers singing the line ‘happy birthday to Noah and that girl’ . That goes down in history as one of the funniest things that has happened to me.”

“Ha, well I’m glad you thought it was funny. I still have nightmares about it. Sometimes though, in my nightmare, I’m standing on the coffee table totally naked.” I shudder, just thinking about it. Noah swallows hard, clearly picturing my worst nightmare in his mind.

I throw my napkin in his face. “Hey there, Bob. Slow your roll. Stop thinking about me naked and wallow with me in my embarrassment, please.”

“I’ll think about you naked all I want, Robins.” He throws my napkin back at me, but I spot the familiar pink flush that starts just below the collar of his shirt and spreads up toward his jaw.

He lets out a heavy sigh. The space between us grows tense again, and I know we can both feel it; this attraction that’s tainted by our past. I see a smile appear on his lips, and I wish I knew what was going through his mind right now.

We go back and forth for a moment, exchanging embarrassing stories with one another, and each one gets more and more crazy the longer we go. I learn he cried in history class when they watched the Titanic. He learned that I peed my pants from laughing so hard when Jordyn cut her bangs too short right before we left for junior prom.

My stomach is killing me from all of the laughing we've been doing. My cheeks are sore, my mascara is ruined, but I’ve never had more fun.

The easy way we laugh together and the way I can feel us both give into the happiness of the moment is so freeing. I can’t even remember the last time I laughed this hard for this long and didn’t care what anyone thought about me.

As adults, we don’t laugh like we did when we were kids. Where we just abandon all worry and care. This type of laughter is so unreserved and real. I make a mental note to add laugh more to the top of my To-Do list.