32. Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Two
Now
M y head is pounding. Hungover from the pain and hurt of this morning. My airport experience this time was a stark contrast to the day I left for Hawaii. I couldn’t find my ID because my travel wallet was in my checked bag, so I had to unpack everything to find it, which made a long line form behind me, and people were pissed. Then, my gate changed right before it was about to board, and I didn’t notice until it was almost too late. I can honestly say that the airport may have lost some magic for me.
I know I don’t look good right now. My glazed expression and red-rimmed eyes have caught the attention of one of the flight attendants, and every time she walks the aisle, she looks at me with a sincere I’m sorry look on her face.
But I don’t deserve anyone’s sympathy. I don’t deserve to have anyone look at me with any type of concern or compassion, because as I sit in the stillness of the airplane, after I had finished with my flurry of packing, scheduling Ubers, and boarding my flight home, I become painfully aware that I just left Noah in the same way that I thought he left me all those years ago. Alone, in a strange bed, without a word.
But I wasn’t being someone’s knight in shining armor, like he was that night. I didn’t leave him there intending to come back. I left him after we had the most incredible day together, full of laughter and connection. I left him like it was nothing. Like he was nothing. Like he didn’t mean anything to me.
But that’s what hurts the most. I wouldn’t have left him if that was the case. Isn’t that so messed up? Like, if he was just some random guy who didn’t mean anything to me, I would have stayed. I would have stayed in that bed until morning, when we probably would have had sex again, then ate a delicious breakfast. I’d probably still be there.
But I couldn’t do that with Noah. I couldn’t face the fact that he changed me. These past few days, I reconnected with him, and he changed me. He stripped me down and cracked open my shell and saw the real me. He saw all of the raw and broken parts of me and what if when he woke up in the morning, he didn’t like what he saw? What if he didn’t like the real me? What if he hated me?
These fears have been part of me my whole life, and that’s why I keep everything so bottled up and hidden away in the first place. I’m afraid people won’t like the person I am on the inside. The person who’s behind the perfectly organized attorney who has everything figured out. I’m afraid they won’t like the mess. My mess. I’m afraid.
Fear. This is what I’ve based my life on. Fear of disappointing my parents. Fear of getting a bad grade. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of failure. Fear of mistakes. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone.
I squeeze my hands together. I just told myself I wasn’t going to let fear run my life anymore, and here I am, playing the same game yet again. I know this is not how life is supposed to work. I know life isn’t so black and white. But for some reason, this is the only way I know how to do things.
I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want the confident Jane back from a few days ago. The one who wasn’t afraid of her feelings, and who wasn’t afraid to be herself. To let her hair down and let things unfold how they may, instead of trying to control every outcome.
I want the Jane who laughed. I want the Jane who opens up to someone, and then lets them open up to her. No judgment. No worries. I want the Jane who isn't afraid of someone loving her.
Noah gave that to me. All that and more. He gave me hope. He gave me a clear future. I could see it. I could see this beautiful life filled with love. Noah is this future. He is everything. He is brave, he is loyal, he is smart, he is kind. Facts. These are facts, and I’ve always prided myself for using facts over feelings, and here are the facts laid out before me, plain as day. Noah is meant for me.
I bury my face in my hands, thinking about the mess I just made of things. I can’t believe I just left him the way I did. I want to call him right now and tell him how I feel. I want him to know how sorry I am. I want him to know I didn’t mean to hurt him. I want him to know that I love him.
“Do you want another Diet Pepsi, hun?” The flight attendant rolls by with her cart, and I look up at her through my tears. She opens a new can, gives it to me, and then also grabs a little package of tissues and sets them on my tray. “Oh darlin’, I’m sorry for whatever it is you’re strugglin’ through this morning. I’ve had my eye on you, and I can tell it’s somethin’ fierce.”
“Yeah, thank you. And, thank you for the drink. I needed it.”
“No problem. Just remember, ‘for every problem under the sun, there is an answer or there is none.’” She winks and gives my shoulder a little squeeze as she makes her way to the next row.
Nan. My Nan. I feel the weight of everything pressing down on me, and I know that I need to figure out if this is one of those problems that has an answer. I close my eyes. “Nan,” I whisper. “Nan, please tell me if there is an answer this time. Tell me if I should try to fix this, or if I should let it all go.”
I grip the armrests beside me, trying to stay here and not let myself float away into panic. That’s when I hear it. I hear the most beautiful sound in the world.
On the row across from me, I hear the sound of a little girl unapologetically laughing to her fullest extent. A laugh with absolutely no inhibitions. A laugh with no care in the world. Her mother is sitting at her side, trying her best to hush her daughter, but isn’t succeeding because she, too, is laughing.
“Mom, no way. No one loves mouses! No way,” she says through her giggles. My head snaps in their direction. The mom picks up the picture book from her daughter’s lap and reads the page out loud. “I promise nugget, that’s exactly what it says! Here, I’ll read it again. Okay, it says, ‘Luna the cat wasn’t an ordinary cat. She was a magnificent cat. You see, her most favorite animal was a mouse!’” The little girl laughs her full belly laugh again, and her mom shuts the book, and joins her daughter, both laughing in joyful bliss.
That’s it. That’s what I want. I want to be a mother. I want to have a family . I want my career that I’ve worked so hard for. I want it all, and I know I can have it. But more than anything, I want Noah right there doing it with me. Together.
“Excuse me. Pardon me.” I’m not a violent person, but if this guy in front of me doesn’t move faster, I can see myself becoming one. I run up the boarding bridge, clutching my phone in my hand for dear life. My carry-on slung heavily over my shoulder, banging against my ribs with every step. I will invest in one of those nice roller carry-ons after this.
I’ve had my phone off since I boarded the plane, so I hurry and turn it on and search for a signal. The second I get one, I dial Jordyn first to have her help coaching me on what to say to Noah.
“Hey, you! How are you? I miss you!”
“Hey, J, I’m…Um…Well, I have a lot to tell you. I need help.”
“Jane, are you okay? What happened?”
“Okay, so… first…I slept with Noah.”
“Holy SHIT!” she yells, “Oh, shut up, Evan, this is important.” I hear her say to her boss as she moves from wherever she is in her office and into a quieter area. “Jane! What the hell happened?”
“Okay, wait, when you’re done, tell Evan sorry from me. I didn’t mean to drop this bomb on you while you’re at work.”
“Don’t worry about Evan, I had to listen to him give a two-hour sexual harassment seminar yesterday, and he used actors, Jane. He can deal with this.”
I laugh despite my situation. “Okay. So, turns out, Noah is the best man in the world. Jordyn, I swear to God he’s the most amazing man who has ever walked the Earth. He carried me down a mountain, he told me he was being a good brother, he told me he’s never forgotten about me, and then we had the best sex of my life—twice—and then, I left him alone in his hotel room, and now I’m here in the Denver airport asking for your advice on how I tell him that I know I fucked up, and I’m sorry for everything.” I got all of this out in one breath, and now I feel like I’m going to faint.
“Holy shit, rewind all of that. I heard mountain, brother, sex, and abandonment. Is that correct?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t understand, babe. I need a few more details.” I sit down and rest my feet on my bag in front of me and tell her everything.
I hear her let out a deep breath. “Oh, Jane. You’re doing the right thing.” Her voice is kind and soft. “I’m happy for you, babe. I’m so happy that you’re finally figuring out that it’s you who is hurting yourself. That your perfectionism is hurting you more than it’s helping. I’m happy that you’re letting yourself feel these things and not shutting off and disappearing.” I hear the emotion in her voice. “But most of all, I’m happy that you found him. I’m happy that he makes you happy.”
Now I’m crying again. In the middle of the airport. “Thanks, J. He’s incredible, and I want him to know that. I love him, Jordyn, and I’m so scared that I fucked it all up. What do I say, how do I fix this?”
“Tell him the truth. Tell him why you were scared. Tell him what you thought you were preserving by running away. Tell him everything you told me, and if he’s even half as amazing as you say he is, he’ll understand. Call him.”
“Okay.” I take a deep breath.
“Listen, I have to get back to work, but after I help Daniel with some inventory at the café later tonight, I’m coming straight to your apartment, to hear all of the details. No matter how late it is. I’ll bring a pizza. Deal?”
“Deal. See you tonight.” I end the call and stare at my phone.
The colors are blurring together, and I’m suddenly not so sure I should be doing this. I could break this off now and try to heal. Try to forget everything. Try to forget him.
But images from last night move through my mind, and I know I could never do that. I have to call him, and if he doesn’t accept my apology, then at least I’ll know where we stand. He deserves to know why I left; he deserves to know that it wasn’t because of him.
I navigate through my phone and find his message thread. I click on his number and wait for it to ring. My heart rate is picking up, and I feel my hands begin to tingle.
Straight to voicemail.
Okay. No problem. Let me try again.
I click his number again, and just like before, it goes straight to his voicemail.
Okay. That’s it.
That’s where we stand.