Chapter 2
Check Your Feelings
Alek
Ever since David drove off, a restless itch gnaws at me. It's the same raw ache that always follows a clash with Hayvin. I remember it burning through me after that blowout at Charlie and Keaton's cookout, the tension following us home.
It's not lost on me that most of our fights, which are very few, revolve around one person, but what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Cut one of my friends out of my life? She's my best friend's twin sister, for fuck's sake.
The shit is just all ridiculous. Hayvin was coming at me like there's something she's got to worry about between me and Jerica.
It's not like that with us.
Jerica and Reggie breaking up was the last thing I saw coming.
Well, maybe not the last, since they've split before, but still.
They were wild about each other the last time I checked in, even tossing around the idea of marriage.
I never trusted Reggie—something about him always rubbed me wrong—but it wasn't my call to make.
There was a moment when I wondered if something could happen between us.
Before my fling with Charlie, she swore I was in love with Jerica and pushed me to confess.
Charlie was wild like that. So when I ended up on a business trip with Jerica and David, and heard she and Reggie were on a break for some ridiculous reason, I tested the waters.
Jerica let me down easy, saying she loved Reggie and saw me as a brother.
That stung, not gonna lie. Distance brought clarity, though.
Charlie had gotten in my head, and all I really felt for Jerica was a mix of irritation at being turned down and the kind of affection you have for your best friend’s little sister.
I don't get why everyone insists on seeing something between us that just doesn't fucking exist.
"Hayvin doing okay?" David asks quietly. "Usually she's at the door when you leave."
I don't even register it until he points it out.
This time, she didn't walk me to the door.
For the past three years, Hayvin squeezed every last second out of our time together before each business trip with David.
Even before she moved in, I'd have her stay over the night before I left.
It became a ritual I craved. Being that important to someone messed with my head in the best way.
I grew up in a cold, empty house, and that kind of warmth always lit me up inside.
So why the hell didn't I notice she wasn't there this time?
I fold my arms over my chest and glare out the window. "She's upset."
"Because you didn't tell her you were coming or because of who you're going for?"
His words have me jerking my head toward him with a scowl.
"What are you getting at? Why would it matter?
She knows that you're my best friend. It shouldn't matter who I'm going for.
Jerica is your sister and my friend. All I'm doing is going with you to help her move. Why is that such a big fucking deal?"
"Can I ask you something?" He glances over to catch my nod and then continues, "Why don't you all hang out with your friends very much?
Did you know that none of the people we work with even realize you're in a relationship?
I brought you all up in conversation the other day, and they had no idea who the fuck Hayvin was.
They thought she was one of your random hookups and not the person you've been in a three-year relationship with. "
I pull at the collar of my shirt and shift around in the seat as an uncomfortable feeling settles inside me.
"My relationship has been no one's business.
Why would people we work with know? They're not my friends.
They're just coworkers. If I don't associate with them outside of work, why would you assume I would tell them about my relationship with Hayvin? "
David taps his fingers against the steering wheel and nods. "So why do they know about all the others in your life?"
"Because they weren't important."
He smirks. "Including Charlie?"
Hearing Charlie's name catches me off guard. What is David getting at now?
"Of course she is," I snap.
"So why does everyone know about Charlie but nobody knows about Hayvin?" he presses.
Silence settles in the truck as his question echoes in my head.
How did I not see what I was doing? It was never on purpose.
Hayvin is mine, and I’m such a possessive bastard with her that I guard her fiercely, even from my own friends, because I don't want anything to threaten us.
We always end up with her crew, since they had her first, and honestly, Everleigh would destroy me if I tried to keep her best friend away.
But it turns out, I'm not the only possessive one.
Everleigh's just as bad, and I know better than to pick that fight.
Some part of me keeps our world small on purpose, just to protect what we have.
"That must be what set this argument off," I mutter, watching the trees fly past as my brain plays over everything.
"Talk it out, brother."
I grab my Gatorade, take a long drink, and slam it back into the cupholder.
Letting out a heavy breath, I sink into the seat.
"Man, I don't even know what to make of all this.
There's a lot of shit we need to talk about when I get home, because she was saying some wild things.
Somehow, she's convinced she's my second choice.
" David snorts, and I turn to glare at him. "What was that supposed to mean?"
David shakes his head. "You're a dumb fuck. You'll eventually figure it out. What else did she say?"
There is absolutely no chance I'm telling my best friend that my girlfriend suspects I have feelings for his sister. That idea is complete bullshit, and I refuse to risk our friendship over some ridiculous lie.
"Let me guess. She's worried about Jerica coming back single to Granite Bay."
"Something like that," I mutter.
We're stopped at a stop sign just a few blocks from Jerica and Reggie's place, and he turns to me, his face suddenly all seriousness.
"I think you need to take the time while you're away from Hayvin to figure out why she feels that way.
You're a smart dude, Alek. You know women pay attention to shit.
Especially when a woman loves a man. I don't know Hayvin as well as I should, considering she's been dating my best friend for years, but it’s obvious she loves you. "
"She said it for the first time this morning," I admit quietly.
He shoots me a glance as a car pulls up behind us. "How'd that make you feel?"
"They're just words, man. I honestly don't know.
Surprised. On edge. Part of me wanted to bolt.
" I rub the back of my neck, feeling the tension settle in.
I avoid looking at him, not sure I want to admit how unsteady I feel about Hayvin or what saying 'I love you' really means.
"Can we just drop it? I'll figure things out when I get home.
We're fine. This morning was rough, but that's on me for not clearing things up with Hayvin.
We both hate fighting, but damn, the makeup sex with her is unreal.
We'll have that to look forward to when I'm back. "
David sighs. "You’re kidding yourself, man.
Hayvin not walking you to the door? That's huge.
She's telling you how she feels, but it doesn't seem like you're hearing her.
Or maybe you just don't want to because that would mean you'll have to face things you don't want to look closely at.
You'd have to admit things you don't want to admit. "
"Just fucking drop it," I growl as he pulls into Jerica's driveway.
"You need to figure it out, Alek. Dig deep and check your feelings because they're there." He climbs down from his truck and glances at me. "Just decide who they're actually for," he says quietly, shocking me, before shutting his door.
Confusion crashes over me as I catch him watching me through the window.
Why does everyone act like I’m clueless about my feelings?
Isn't it obvious to them? I've never been in a real relationship before Hayvin, so that should say everything. The closest I got was that messy thing with Charlie, but even then, I always knew it would end. Her heart was never mine; it belonged to Keaton since they were kids. It’s not like I wanted it anyway.
We had our fun, and I don't regret it. We gave each other what we needed, nothing more.
Charlie and Keaton are solid. So solid that I still can't wrap my head around how he ever cheated on her.
I've seen the way they love each other. When you love someone like that, how do you just throw it away?
How do you betray them? She gave him another shot, and he's been working to fix what he broke, but sometimes I still catch that old pain in her eyes.
Certain things just bring it all back. Between my parents and Charlie and Keaton, I've seen firsthand how fragile love can be.
But that doesn't make Hayvin some kind of backup plan. She's my girl. Why is everyone so determined to twist that? I've put everything I have into this relationship, and constant doubt is starting to really piss me off.
My thoughts scatter as the front door bursts open and Jerica rushes out to greet her brother. I can't help but watch her as I step out of the truck.
She looks good, even with that weight of sadness hanging on her shoulders. Still as pretty as ever.
Jerica glances up at me after pulling away from her brother and gives me a small, lopsided smile that's kind of endearing. "You came." Her eyes go to the truck and then back to me before she wraps her arms around me for a hug. "Hayvin didn't come?"
Her words make my chest tighten, and I carefully extract myself after giving her a light squeeze in return.
Guilt twists in my gut, which only frustrates me more.
I've hugged my friends a thousand times, but now, thanks to David and Hayvin, it suddenly feels like a problem.
What used to be innocent is now just awkward.
"She stayed back. Had some shit to do." I pull my cell from my pocket and hold it up with a little smile. "I'm actually going to call her and let her know we made it, and then I'll be in to start helping you pack."
Jerica sighs. "Thanks, Alek." She squeezes my arm and gives me a sad smile. "I should have taken you up on your offer at the hotel that weekend, those few years ago. I wouldn't be in the pain I'm in now. We'd probably be pretty great together."
Her fingers drift down my arm as she turns away, leaving me rooted to the spot, paralyzed, her words echoing in my mind like a haunting refrain.
My heart hammers against my ribs, sweat slicking my palms. What the fuck just happened? Why the hell would she drop something like that on me? Especially knowing I’m in a relationship.
I shake my head, trying to scatter the chaos in my mind. I can't face that mess right now. I just need to hear Hayvin’s voice, need to know she's okay, because something inside me feels wrong, and it's scaring the hell out of me.
The phone rings in my ear, and I pace back and forth in the driveway as I wait for Hayvin to answer.
But she doesn't pick up, and that just sends me spiraling further on a day already gone to hell. In three years, I can count on one hand the times she's missed my calls.
"Hey, baby girl. I just want to let you know we made it.
I fucking hate when we fight. It drives me crazy because all I want to do is hold you tight and fix it.
A lot of shit was said, and it's made me see that we obviously have a lot to talk about.
Hopefully, it won't take us too long here, and then I can be back home with my beautiful girl.
I already miss you. I l--" I blow out a breath.
"Call me back when you get a minute, because I really need to hear your voice right now. "
It never crosses my mind, after I hang up and shove the phone away, that maybe she isn't answering because she's done with me. I don't realize that while I'm helping someone else pack to leave, my own woman is packing to walk out of my life.
People always say you never know what you have until it's gone. I wish I'd figured it out sooner because I could have spared Hayvin so much damn pain. If only we came into this world with the ability to see what's coming, maybe we'd all hurt a little less.