Chapter 7 What Do You Want, Hayvin?
What Do You Want, Hayvin?
Hayvin
What I’ve realized over the last two days is that my entire relationship with Alek was a wild, tangled mess.
A stupid, ugly, and strangely beautiful lie.
A gorgeous illusion that broke my heart.
A ridiculous forgery, stamped twice with stupidity.
Want to know something else I’ve learned?
Never swig tequila straight from the bottle when the truth finally hits.
But really, what choice did I have when my best friend declared it was time to stop sobbing over that.
..what did she call him? Oh, right...backstabbing shitpouch, and insisted we get drunk instead.
After a first night drowning in insecurity and tears, and a second night burning with a rage that could have scorched the world, tonight seemed perfect for blackout drunk, since I’m safe with my best friend.
I haven’t pulled a stunt this dumb since my teenage days running wild with Everleigh and her brother, Titan. But honestly, I’ve earned a night of pure stupidity if it means shutting my brain up for once. I’m exhausted from replaying every possible scenario from the last two days.
Did they run into each other's arms the moment he got there? Did they kiss passionately? Did he finally fuck her like he's always wanted to?
A sharp sting on my forehead yanks me out of the thoughts I keep trying to outrun.
I reach up and rub the spot. "Ouch." I blink a few times to bring Everleigh into focus. "Did you flick me on the forehead?"
At least, I think that’s what I ask, but my words sound like a drunken jumble, so for all I know, it’s just gibberish spilling out.
"Maybe one of these times it'll flick those thoughts away for good," she mutters, pouring a shot and tossing it back. "You're supposed to be drinking to have peace from those three thunder cunts."
"Three?"
"David is on my shit list, too. He knew and still took him with."
Sitting up straight is a battle, but I manage a wobbly, drunken scramble anyway.
Oh no, she can’t pin this on the wrong guy. Why is she even trying to blame him?
"Ever, you can't blame David!"
I mean, yeah, sure, my demand would probably carry a lot more weight if I didn't sound like I was talking through three years' worth of exhaustion... oh, wait.
I can’t help but giggle, my shoulders shaking at just how ridiculous I am.
Who wouldn’t be worn out after always playing second fiddle to someone else’s leading role?
"Hayvin, swear to fuck. I could neuter this man for making you feel like that.
" Her fingers slip a couple of times as she tries to grasp my chin, which only throws us into a fit of giggles until she finally gets a good hold.
Then shit gets serious again, and my fuzzy brain tries to focus.
"You didn't come second to anyone. You'll always be first because you always put yourself first." I shake my head, but her fingers tighten on my chin.
"No. I know you put him first when y'all were together, but anytime push comes to shove, you always choose yourself. "
I wrestle through the alcoholic haze as her words settle in my mind and start to seep into my soul.
"You're right," I mumble.
"Well, duh, sugar tits. I always am."
I burst into giggles and give her a playful shove, watching her collapse onto the couch with dramatic flair.
Capping the tequila, I set it down and stagger to my feet. Suddenly, blackout drunk loses its appeal. As much as I crave forgetting, I know the pain will just be waiting for me in the morning. Maybe it’s smarter to keep facing it head-on, like I always have. I never really had a choice.
With the walls and furniture as my guides, I somehow make it to the kitchen without landing on my ass. I grab two bottles of water and the cheese dip, then scoot to the cabinet, clamp a bag of chips between my teeth, and juggle everything else in my arms.
The journey back is like a drunken game of human ping-pong, bouncing from wall to furniture, but at least it keeps my mind off him for a minute.
"No more drinking?" Ever asks.
I shoot her a look, raising an eyebrow as if to say, Isn’t it obvious?
I drop the bag of chips onto the table just as my phone rings. The second Alek’s name flashes on my screen, my whole body locks up. My heart pounds and my lungs forget how to breathe, just like every other time his name has appeared since he left.
Ever lunges forward, snatches my phone, and slams that big red button to send him straight to voicemail. She powers it off and drops it on the table with a furious snap.
Her eyes lock with mine, and for a split second, we both seem startlingly clear-headed.
I guess that's what happens when you see the cuntmaggedon calling.
Everleigh snickers. "Cuntmaggedon?"
This time, I’m the one who collapses onto the couch with a dramatic flop. “I said that out loud.”
"Yep, and I'm so glad you did, because it's my new name for dipshit."
"Hmm. I can get behind that," I state with a sigh, grabbing the bag of chips.
Everleigh pops open the cheese dip and slides it between us while I tear into the chips. I hand her a bottle of water, then gulp down half of mine, desperate to wash away the scratchy dryness in my throat before snapping the cap shut.
For a while, it's quiet between us as we snack on the chips to help sober us up and watch those delicious vampires and hybrids that pop up on her television.
My thoughts keep trying to drift to Alek and Jerica, but I'm able to shove the intrusive thoughts away by munching so harshly on a chip that it blots out the loudness of things I don't want to hear.
"Hey, Vin. What do you want? For your future, I mean."
I close my eyes as I think about her question, but there's only one important piece that comes to mind.
So, I open my eyes and give her my answer.
"I want to be someone's first, Everleigh.
I don't want to be someone's just because.
That's about the only way I can answer you right now.
I'd really have loved for that to be with Alek, but he's proven repeatedly that it'll never be that between us.
I gave that man my all, everything inside of me, everything I didn't think I had in me to give someone again after your brother, but it wasn't enough.
Not for him, anyway. It didn't matter how hard or how much I loved him.
I'm never going to be the one he wants that from. "
Titan was my childhood sweetheart, my first for almost everything.
My first crush, first kiss, first love, and my first heartbreak.
We started dating at fourteen and split after nineteen, our paths pulling us apart.
He dreamed of serving the country, while I just wanted a life where I didn't wake up dreading a phone call that he was gone.
Titan broke both our hearts when he left, but for a while, I clung to hope.
Then he told me he was applying to be a fighter pilot.
That was the final straw, and this time, I was the one who ended it.
Against all odds, Titan and I stayed friends.
We don't talk every day, or even every month, but sometimes he checks in just to let me know he's still breathing, like we promised.
Alek has always known everything about me and Titan—there are no secrets, and nothing is left between us.
Titan is my past, and that's where he stays.
I can't cut him out, not when his sister is my ride or die.
He'll always be around, just like Jerica is for Alek.
And just like the friendship he shares with Charlie.
The only difference is, I've never given Alek a reason to question his place in my life.
When Alek and I first started, I was terrified to let him in. I pictured my heart shattered at my feet, but he chipped away at my walls until I let him through.
If only I had listened to my gut that night three years ago at the bar, maybe things would be different.
"He's coming home for a visit," Everleigh says quietly.
My head jerks her way with a huge wobbly smile. "Really? That's great, Ever. I bet you're excited to see him after so long."
Nearly two years have passed since she last saw him, and I know she misses him fiercely. I'm genuinely happy for her, but I can't quite read the look she's giving me right now.
"Yeah. It's going to be nice. The phone calls are great, but I'd give up anything to see my brother in person. He called yesterday and told me he finally got some leave." She smiles slyly. "He asked about you."
I roll my eyes and shake my head. "Absolutely not, Ev. Don't even go there. The last thing I want is another man in my orbit. Just because Alek's gone doesn't mean I'm suddenly available. I need to figure out who I am now, because I thought my life was already mapped out."
"But just think of what it would be like for Alek. Seeing you with someone that he knows played such a big part in your life. The sad part is, he wouldn't even be feeling an ounce of the pain you've had to deal with over the last three years."
I sigh, exhausted. "That's high school drama, Ever. I'm way too old for that. Why bother with someone who clearly doesn't care? It's pointless, and you know that's not me."
"Yeah, I know. The thought was nice, but I knew you wouldn't go for it before I even said anything.
" She sits up, finishes the chip that is in her hand, and then points to me.
"This is what we're going to do. You get tonight to feel whatever you need to feel about the cuntmaggedon there, but then you're locking that shit down in the way you've always done when someone's hurt you. You good with that plan?"
Not having to feel anything for Alek? "Absofuckinglutely," I reply.
"Good. Now, shut up. Mope in silence, bitch, so I can watch this and daydream about being the cream in a Klaus and Elijah sandwich."
I grab a throw pillow and whack her right in the face, making her spill water everywhere. "Hands off my men."
"Sharing is caring, babe," she says with a cheeky little wink before shaking her head and sending water spraying everywhere.
Moments like this remind me just how lost I'd be without Everleigh. She's been my best friend for as long as I can remember, sticking by me through everything. I really did hit the jackpot with her.
"Hey, Ev," I call.
She drags her gaze away from the television and peers over at me.
"I love you."
Everleigh's bright sea-foam colored eyes soften, and the corners of her lips curl up. "Love you too, Vinnie."
Losing Alek shattered a piece of me. I know healing will take time, but deep down, I know I'll be okay.
Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Maybe not for months. But someday, I'll wake up and the ache will be gone. I won't long for his arms or the roughness in his morning voice. My heart will stop calling for him, and my soul will finally be free.
In the meantime, Everleigh keeps me anchored in the present, holding me steady when all I want is to drift away to a future without pain.