Chapter 10 Realizations are a Bitch #2
"But I don't let that hate win. I don't let that day win.
I don't let him or her win. Nobody gets that power over me again.
Keaton and I aren't in the same relationship we were.
That one was dead the moment he cheated.
Not just the day in the pool house. It started the day he continued seeing Rianna despite how I felt about her.
But this new one we're in...it's healthy, Alek.
We've both learned a lot over these last few years.
About ourselves and about each other. So, while we're not completely recovered, we are doing okay," she finishes.
"There's never going to be a day that I won't carry what I did. I didn't just leave scars on Charlie. I left marks on my soul, too. Like Charlie said, we're not healed, but we're doing okay. Was I right when I said we somehow play a part in your headspace?" Keaton asks.
I exhale hard and lean forward, elbows on my knees, beer bottle swinging between them as I look at Charlie and Keaton.
"It all goes back to my parents. I won’t get into it—Hayvin deserves the whole truth first—but their idea of love was the most twisted thing I’d ever seen.
That’s when I learned love isn’t all sunshine.
It’s fucking thorns, pain, and betrayal. "
"And then I cheated on Char."
"And then you cheated on Charlie," I echo, matching Keaton’s defeated tone. "Just gave me one more reason to steer clear. Why chase something that only ever stabs you in the back?"
"So why does everyone believe you'd rather be with Jerica? Shoot, Alek. Even I thought that. I was the one who told you to go after her that weekend before we had our thing," Charlie asks.
A bitter laugh escapes me as I take a long pull from my beer and sink into the couch. "Because that’s the impression I accidentally left. I only saw Jerica a couple of times while I was with Hayvin, and every time was when—"
"We were all together. Every time you saw her, you also saw me and Char, which reminded you of what love meant to you," Keaton interrupts.
I raise my beer in a silent toast. "Exactly. It was always when Hayvin was there, too. Seeing you two, then her, my mind just shut down. All I wanted was to protect myself, because she’d already gotten under my skin.
Remember that cookout, right before we got together?
" They nod. "I overheard part of your fight before Jerica and David arrived. The pain in Charlie’s voice stuck with me, even when you both said you loved each other.
Hayvin found me right after, and my head was a fucking mess.
I already knew I loved her, but I was still fighting it.
No one had ever had that kind of hold on me before. "
"Oh, Alek. You stupid, loving man," Charlie says softly. "You can't outrun emotions. They're going to catch you one way or the other. The only thing running will do is hurt you or the other person. You eventually have to face and accept them."
"Yeah," I reply in a quiet tone.
"You don't feel anything for Jerica?" she asks.
"No, I really don’t. It’s always been just friendship.
Sure, way back, there was a flicker of attraction, but that’s all.
Even that weekend you told me to go after her, I only tried because I had to be sure.
I didn’t even want to, Char. Didn’t want her.
You were the only one on my mind. But I thought I owed it to you, since you thought you saw something.
After she turned me down, I realized it was nothing.
Just a blip. Since then, all I’ve felt for her is affection, because she’s been one of my best friends for years.
" I sigh, take a long drink, and go on. "She and David were my comfort zone. For the longest time, they were all I had. So it was easy to use them as a shield between me and Hayvin, even if I didn’t realize it. But by doing that, I hurt Hayvin, and she left. I can’t blame her.
Not after seeing how badly I messed up. I know none of this is an excuse, but it’s all I’ve got.
” I look at them. "I can’t let her go, Char.
She’s my whole damn world. If she needs me to shout it from the rooftops, I will.
But I’m lost. I don’t even know where to start fixing this. How the hell do I heal what I broke?"
"It's not going to be easy," Keaton says.
"You need to be one hundred percent sure you got it in you to be the man she needs in her life.
Because this fight is going to be a long one to heal the trauma you've caused her.
There are so many facets to your relationship and to her, hell, even to yourself, that you're going to have to heal. "
"Whatever the fuck it takes. I'm in this. All the way for the rest of my life. Just point me in the right direction, and I'll take it from there because I'm lost as fuck here," I plead quietly.
"We'll help give you a starting point, but Alek, the rest, all the rest, is on you," Charlie says.
"Wouldn't have it any other way. I'm the one that fucked up, I'm the one who puts in the work. Let's just hope my beautiful girl gives me the chance to make it right."
It’s been ages since I had a real fight. Probably not since Keaton. But I’m ready for another, especially if it means Hayvin ends up in my arms.
Ready or not, baby girl, I’m coming for you.