Chapter 10 Realizations are a Bitch
Realizations are a Bitch
Alek
Hayvin's words from a couple of days ago continue to linger in my mind throughout the day.
Her tone left no room for hope. When she said I wasn't her choice anymore, her voice slammed the door shut on us for good.
Seeing her and Everleigh walk into Grinders lit a spark of hope in me. Finally, a chance to talk to her after all this time away helping David and Jerica.
But I managed to screw things up before I even spoke. My mind was somewhere else when David asked if I wanted to eat with him and Jerica. And I didn't think twice about sliding into the booth beside her instead of grabbing a chair, knowing full well David would keep to himself.
Jerica is just a friend, so there was no significance to eating together other than being with two of my best friends.
At least, there was no significance to me.
Only too late did I realize it meant all kinds of shit to Vin. Her voice was so empty, so drained, it hollowed me out too.
When she said we were all together now, meaning me and Jerica, and that was all we ever cared about, I felt a fresh wave of self-hatred crash over me.
Actually. Fuck that. The self-loathing started the moment she recoiled from my touch, as if I burned her.
She had never reacted like that in all our years together. Seeing her flinch tore my heart to shreds and left my chest heavy, every breath a struggle.
When I found her gone, it felt like the last three years had been wiped away. Only seeing her shut down at Grinders did I realize the damage went deeper than just our relationship. I had broken her, too.
My obsession with finding her and patching things up was driving everyone, including me, to the edge. I showed up at Everleigh's, pleading into the Ring camera, feeling eyes on me but too desperate to care.
Let them watch me beg. Hell, they could record it and show the whole world for all I cared. If it got me any news about my woman, I didn’t give a shit who saw me on my knees. Pride meant nothing to me anymore.
It wasn't until the morning after Grinders that it finally hit me where Hayvin was staying. I should have known right away. Her house was the obvious answer, but I missed it.
In my defense...no, there is none. I should have realized it immediately.
Point fucking blank.
But I didn't, and that just makes me an even bigger asshole than I already am.
My mind drifts to how she looked the other night. Still beautiful, but thinner, her favorite shirt hanging loose where it used to hug her curves. Nothing could ever take away her beauty in my eyes, but the change showed just how much hell she's been through since leaving.
Just another weight I have to carry.
The longer I looked at her, the harder it was to recognize the woman I fell for so quickly.
A cold tension knots my stomach as my self-hatred grows. I've hurt her in ways I never meant to, and I have no idea how to fix it.
If I'm even able to.
No. Fuck that.
When I'm able to. I'll be damned if I'm going to allow doubt to creep in.
I'm diverted from my thoughts when my phone chimes with a text, and I retrieve it from my desk before reclining in my office chair.
JERI
Hey, pretty boy. Want to come chill with me and Davie? We’re watching a movie and probably grabbing some grub a dub.
This is where I start making things right. Hayvin deserves to know she's my priority, not Jeri.
ME
Not tonight
JERI
Srsly? It’s horror night, Alek! You always do them with us when you can.
ME
Yeah and i cant 2night
I move to toss my phone aside, but it lights up with another message.
Dammit.
Why won't she just stop? I said I wasn't coming, that should have been enough. But then Hayvin's words and Charlie's actions echo in my mind.
Jerica won't quit because I never gave her a reason to. I always ran to her and David when they needed me because they were all I had before Charlie and Hayvin. I never broke that habit, and by the time I realized what it meant for Hayvin, it was too late.
I curse under my breath and shove my chair away from the desk.
Son of a bitch.
I rip my tie off and toss it onto my jacket, pacing the office as tangled thoughts race through my head.
Memories from the past three years crash over me, coming one after another in a dizzying flurry. The one that stands out is the cookout at Charlie and Keaton's. Before the others arrived, I walked in on them fighting, pain and anger thick in the air. There was only one thing it could be about.
His unfaithfulness was a brutal reminder of how love can lie. Even now, years later, Charlie still carries the scars.
When the others showed up, I fell back into old patterns, focusing on them. Only now do I see how that left Hayvin on the outside, doubting her place in my life.
Maybe that's why the sex that night was some of the best we'd ever had.
That night, I wrestled with my feelings for Hayvin and what it would mean to let them in. Despite everything, she was still reaching for me.
She never needed to try. I've been hers since the moment we met, even when I was running scared.
How could she know that, though? All I've done is make her feel second to someone she was never competing with. Hayvin always had my heart.
Fuck.
I stop when I'm behind my desk again and scrub my hands through my hair.
Hayvin will never believe it unless I prove it to her.
I sink into my chair and pick up my phone.
JERI
Why can’t you? Come on, Alek!
ME
Bc I don’t fucking want to. If I wanted to spend time with you, I would. End of.
The message must have been clear enough, because I didn't hear from her for the rest of the day.
Now it's on me to figure out how to make things right with the woman I hurt and the love I nearly destroyed.
***
Drawing in a steadying breath, I tap softly on the door and wait. When it swings open, the woman greets me with a silent sigh, then eases the door wider, inviting me inside.
"How did I know your pathetic mug was gonna show up here?" Charlie asks.
I let the jab hang in the air, choosing silence as my answer, and trail her into the living room. Keaton lounges in a recliner, a handful of M&M's halfway to his mouth.
Charlie climbs into his arms, melting into the warmth of his chest. "Looks like someone’s come knocking for our help, Kea."
He drops a kiss on top of her head before glancing at me. "That true?"
I let out a sigh, jamming my hands deep into my pockets. "If you’re willing to help out a blind fool, I could use it."
"Before we answer, I need you to give us an honest one," Charlie demands.
"Whatever you need. I'm desperate here, Char."
"Jerica is now available, just like you are. Seems like she's the one you've been waiting for, right? So why are you looking here for help to get Hayvin back instead of being with her? This could be your chance to finally be with the person you've wanted for so long."
A low growl rumbles from my chest, filling the room. I yank my hands free and rake them through my hair, gripping hard just to stay grounded. Charlie and Keaton watch, their eyes full of understanding as I wrestle with the ache inside me.
How far did I go to avoid falling for Hayvin? I never meant to mislead anyone or make them think I wanted Jerica the way everyone seems to believe.
Standing here, I see all that Charlie and Keaton have survived for love, and memories of my parents’ betrayals flicker through my mind. Still, I know I’m guilty all the same.
I thought I could shield my heart, keep it numb after seeing nothing but betrayal from love. But in building those walls, I ended up hurting the one woman who least deserved it.
"Why don't you take a seat, man? Those look like some heavy realizations you're coming to. You want a beer or some shit, and tell us where your head is at? Maybe we can help." His eyes search my face. "I have a heavy feeling we play a part in this somehow, anyway," he finishes quietly.
The silence presses in, thick enough to hear Charlie’s sharp breath. Awkward, I flash them a crooked, self-mocking smile and sink onto the couch.
Charlie slips off Keaton’s lap and vanishes into the kitchen. I turn to Keaton. "You two holding up?"
Keaton freezes, an M&M suspended between his fingers, eyes fixed on me. He only looks away when Charlie returns and hands me a beer. He stays silent until she’s curled up in his arms again.
It’s as if he needs her close before he can even speak about them.
"He asked how we were doing, butterfly," Keaton tells her quietly, peering into her face with eyes so full of love that sometimes it's hard to believe he fucked around on her.
Charlie’s face twists with pain, and guilt gnaws at me for dragging my mess into their home.
But then her features soften, and when she looks at Keaton, there’s a glow of love and peace that nearly knocks the wind out of me.
I once doubted she’d ever forgive him, but seeing them now, I know I was wrong, and I’m honestly glad for it.
"We're doing okay, Alek," she says softly. "We're not healed. Not completely, but we're getting there. We still have bad days. Sometimes the pool house is front and center in my thoughts, and I want to fucking walk away because, in that moment, I can believe I hate him."
Keaton’s face is carved with raw anguish as he listens.
He knows exactly how deep his mistakes cut, and that the wounds linger even now.
The pain in her memories is plain as day.
She’s still grieving the man he once was, the one who didn’t deserve her love.
If remorse had a face, it would be Keaton’s.
His turmoil is written all over him, even when he tries to hide it.