11. Samuel #3
I thought of how sweaty I’d been biking to his house. What if I stank? No, I couldn’t spiral like that. We were both guys. A little sweat wouldn’t bother him. Or would it?
Benji grumbled behind me, clearly waiting for an answer.
“Right. No. Um... I’m not cold anymore.”
“Good.”
Benji pulled his legs in tighter around me, probably to make sure I was actually warming up, completely unaware of what this did to me.
My breaths shortened. My back stiffened.
I wanted to relax, to let myself enjoy this moment for what it was, but.
.. I couldn’t lean back into him. Not into his literal arms. Even with his chest already pressed to my back, everything in me screamed to keep at least a small gap between us, just in case.
So he wouldn’t get any wrong ideas. So I wouldn’t.
But what if that wasn’t necessary?
If Benji felt comfortable enough to bring me to a place he only showed his friends—and then held me just so we could stay longer—didn’t that mean he wasn’t afraid of me making a move? Or... did he want me to?
I shifted a little. Not to get closer to him, but to find a position that might quiet all those thoughts.
Benji took a deep breath and held it, adjusting, too, only that his movement nudged us closer together.
“Are you comfortable?” he asked.
“Um, uh, yeah.”
“Liar.” His voice was thick with mischief. I didn’t need to see his face to know he was smirking. “Are you afraid your boyfriend might make a fuss if he sees us like this?”
Boyfriend? What boyfriend? And why did he ask that? Only someone interested in having a chance would— no. People can ask questions out of curiosity. This proved nothing .
“I, uh , don’t have a... boyfriend,” I stammered.
“But you’re seeing someone?”
Okay. There clearly had to be more to this.
For the record: He’d invited me over, all flustered like he was just doing his mom a favor.
Then he brought me here—to a secluded, freaking romantic lake— he offered to hold me, and now he asked the second question in a row to confirm I was single?
How was I not supposed to read into that?
“Not right now, no,” I replied, chewing on my lower lip.
I had to get to the bottom of this. It was probably the dumbest idea I've ever had, but I needed an answer. Anything. Just one clue to the puzzle Benji had become.
“Do you...” I took a deep breath, summoning what little courage I had, “...have a girlfriend?”
“Nah.” Benji leaned back, pulling me with him, just enough, as if he wanted to make sure that I’d relax, too. “Girlfriends are expensive.”
“But you’ve had girl friends, haven’t you?”
“Sure. Who hasn’t?” He paused like he was giving me a chance to say I haven’t . “It’s just… I haven’t found one that really interests me yet. Whenever I got close to one, it never felt… right. You know what I mean?”
“You are asking me, of all people?”
“Well, yeah. If anyone would get it, it’s you, right?”
“I mean... I certainly haven’t met a woman who interests me. So... true .”
He went quiet for a moment, then laughed, his head dropping forward until it rested against my back, sending the vibrations of his chuckles through my body.
“You’re killing me.”
I could’ve said the same. The weight of his forehead against my back, paired with what almost sounded like a confession—that he wasn’t sure about women—did nothing to quiet the fluttering in my chest.
His chuckles eventually faded, his head lifting again.
“I hope it’s okay to talk about that. I can’t really with Gordy.”
“Sure. Even though I wouldn’t consider myself an expert in the field.”
“As if anyone is.” He sat up, rearranging his arms and legs, pulling me back with him so I finally ended up leaning fully against his chest—no more safety gap. “You know, I... sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be with a dude.”
My breath caught in my throat. He outright said it.
“Not that I would, like, die if I didn’t find out or anything, but, like,… does it feel the same? It shouldn’t , right? It should be more relaxed, because we understand what makes another guy tick, right?”
He left the air heavy with the anticipation of my answer to his life’s questions.
“I, uh,…” I honestly didn’t know how to respond. But at least one thing was clear now: He was definitely curious , although I wasn’t quite sure about what exactly. “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“I’ve only ever been with one guy, and that... well, it was nice, but it’s not like it lasted, and I’ve never been with a woman, so I wouldn’t know how to compare.”
“Hm,” Benji replied. “Fair enough.”
He fell quiet, letting the critters take their turn in the conversation, although they likely didn't understand what we were saying or have anything to contribute.
“I mean, you're pressing your body against another dude right now,” I said eventually. “Does that... feel more right ?”
The second Benji took to reply stretched into what felt like a minute. “It at least doesn’t feel wrong. But... being physically close is also just a small part of what makes it feel right, right? What’s it like to kiss a guy, for example?”
“You want to know if that’s different from kissing a woman?”
“Yeah. You’ve kissed a guy before. What was that like?”
“I mean… I’ve only ever kissed one, so I’m not sure I can give you a full-fledged analysis. But I’d say it was... intense? Is that a good word? Like, I didn’t know what was up or down anymore, and I didn’t want it to ever stop.”
“Definitely sounds intense.”
“What’s it like to kiss a girl?”
“Wet.”
“Wet?”
“Yeah. I’ve kissed three girls, and it somehow always was… just very wet.”
I tilted my head lightly forward as if that would help me decode Benji’s answer.
“That’s…,” a weird-ass answer, “…interesting,” I replied.
“I don’t know. Maybe it was just me.”
“You mean your kisses are wet?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve never kissed myself.” Benji’s voice was low and honest, but a sigh quickly followed his words. “Sorry for bringing all that up. It’s a stupid topic.”
“No, it’s not.” I glanced over my shoulder back at him. “We all wonder about things, don’t we?”
Benji tilted his head to meet my gaze. “True.” For a moment, a strange tension lingered between us, a spark that might’ve gone somewhere if we’d let it. But Benji broke it off, leaning his head against the bark, closing his eyes, groaning. “I hate that life is so complicated.”
“Yeah,” I said, looking back at the lake. “It’s sad, isn't it?”
“Only a little.”