18. Samuel #2
Everything in me resisted looking up—as if an elastic band were wrapped around my head, pulling me down. I had to put all my strength into my neck to lift it. It wouldn’t make much difference to look at him when he dumped me, but my gut told me to grant him that wish.
Benji’s chest rose heavily as he glanced at me.
The corners of his mouth pulled down, same as his eyes and ears, his whole face.
He parted his lips, hesitated for a second, gulped, and then said, “I need to apologize to you, Sam.” He leaned back, his head shaking, his voice breaking like he was about to cry.
“I should’ve talked to you yesterday, sent you some texts, called you, maybe come over.
But I didn’t. And that... that wasn’t fair. ”
I hadn’t expected an apology, but to his credit, he was trying to be a man about it. I wasn’t sure I could do the same, but the least I could do was try to meet him halfway.
“You had stuff to think about,” I said.
“I did,” he sighed and threw his head against the backrest. His fingers wrapped around the steering wheel as if he wanted to drive away from this conversation as fast as possible. “I’m not sure how much I should actually tell you about what happened yesterday.”
“What...?” My head snapped forward. My eyes narrowed. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but this sentence alone made me question whether I’d told myself the wrong story for the last thirty hours. I pulled my feet in a little closer. “What happened yesterday?”
He sucked his lower lip in, bit down like he wanted to keep the words in, but with a short shake of his head, he sighed, “Pete happened. He blabbed. Not about us. But about our fight.” Benji leaned his head against the seat, staring at the ceiling.
“He went straight to my uncle, who then called my Dad, and... it wasn’t pretty.
Pete twisted everything. Told them I attacked him out of nowhere, made everyone believe he had a broken arm, and shit.
Dad was so mad that he smashed our front door. ”
“That— shit— what ?” My heart dropped into my stomach. There I’d been sitting at home, pitying myself, not even considering the possibility that something like that could happen.
“But that’s not what I...” He scrubbed his left hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose for a moment, before his hand settled before his mouth like it could shield what he was about to say away from my ears.
“It probably was stupid to do that, because we didn’t even get to talk about it, but in an attempt to make my parents listen to me .
.. I told them. Everything . That Pete saw us snuggling, what he called us, and how much his words hurt.
I was so worked up about it that only when I calmed a little, I realized that I’d accidentally made everything very clear to them. ”
My ears were ringing. My ribcage clenched together like I was wedged in a press.
He told his parents about us? After only one night?
“But then Pete?—”
“Fuck, Pete,” it blurted out of me. “What about your parents? How did they react? Are you okay?”
This town was not exactly known for open-minded parents.
Sure, they’d seemed nice when I talked to them, but that was before their son confessed that he and I had done unholy stuff.
No matter how strong Benji was, this wasn’t how things should go.
He experimented for one night . He probably didn’t even have answers for what this experience meant yet.
Heck, it took me years to figure it out.
“Not like I expected,” Benji answered my question.
A vein on his temple twitched. His head lifted, and the corners of his mouth did, too.
“Dad got all mushy. Hugged me. Told me he still loved me. Now even a little more , he said, because everything finally made sense . As if he decided I had only been belligerent because I was suppressing my sexuality or something.” Benji laughed like he couldn’t believe his Dad still managed to get it wrong.
“He did a complete one-eighty, called Roland again with the full story, but then they got into a fight. Half an hour later, Roland and Pete were at our door. If it hadn’t already been broken, they would’ve made sure to knock it down.
It was like war. Everyone was screaming until some neighbour must’ve called the cops, and.
..” He shook his head, his grin fading. “This day was such a mess.”
“Damn, Benji,” I said, unable to think of anything better. My mind scrambled, trying to keep up with everything.
“That’s also why I was late this morning,” he added.
“Had to go to the station. I saw your Dad, but luckily, I spoke to another officer. Although nothing even came of it. It was my statement against Pete’s.
” His eyes darted toward me, but settled on my chest instead of my face.
“And don’t worry, I left you out of it with the cops.
I told them that Pete provoked me . So, no one should be knocking at your door.
I hope.” His hand moved to the wheel, tracing the seam of the leather, following the stitches.
“When shit settled a bit yesterday, the sun was already setting and, believe me, I wanted to call you, but... I needed a little time to think about everything.”
“ You don’t have to apologize,” I said, unsure whether the same was true for me.
All this time, I’d convinced myself he was avoiding me because he had cold feet, when the opposite was true.
His feet were running so freaking hot it was a miracle they were still moving. “That’s, like, totally understandable.”
“Still. This is how things always go when I’m involved.”
I reached over and laid my hand on his knee. It didn’t even occur to me that he might not want to be touched until he stared at my fingers, gulping.
“Sam,” he said, his voice so heavy it dropped to almost a whisper.
“You don’t deserve to be pulled into this mess.
” He sniffed once, his arms twitching like he wanted to reach for my hand, but didn’t dare.
“As much as I want to be with you, I don’t think it’s fair to you, if we. .. There’s too much at stake for you.”
The way his voice broke and his legs trembled, I finally understood. My hunch had been correct. He was trying to end things with me—not because he didn’t like me or thought what we did was a mistake, but because he believed the only way to protect me was to push me away.
“Benji,” I said, leaning a little closer, leaving my hand on his knee to show him I wasn’t willing to give up so easily. “I enjoyed what we did?—”
“Me too, really , believe me?—”
“ What if ,” I said, a little louder, my grip on his knee tightening.
He leaned back in his seat, squeezing himself in as if my words had punched him.
“ What if I don’t care about all of that? What if I didn’t mind telling the cops what happened, how Pete started it, and how you defended me? What if I want to defend you , too?”
“Sam.” Benji closed his eyes, his head shaking. “I’m not a good guy. All that stuff people say about me isn’t for no reason. I still punched him and twisted his arm behind his back. I’ve punched plenty of people, gotten into a lot of arguments, and done so much stupid stuff. I even?—”
“Then call me crazy, but I don’t care. I saw what I saw. And I like you for you. I wouldn’t have kissed you if I didn’t.”
“I like you, too, Sam. But I’m...” He clenched his face together. “I’m not?—“
“Not what? Worth it?” I snorted. “You’re hardworking, strong, a good instructor?—”
“No—“
“You built your own opinion, you’re more open-minded than the rest of this stupid town.
Maybe you’ve done stuff wrong, but who hasn’t?
I can see that you know what's good and right.” My heart was pounding.
The words spilled out, fighting to be heard as I just couldn’t let things end here if this was the only reason.
“They all treat you like shit, as if you were less human than them, as if all they ever did was holy and correct—if that isn’t bullshit.
Any one of them would snap someday if they were in your shoes, but they wouldn’t have the guts to be honest with themselves. ”
“Sam—”
“No,” I said so loud the word hurt even in my own ear.
My hand clamped his knee so tightly that it felt like I would die if I let go.
“I’m not going to sit here and listen to you telling me you want to end things with me before they even started, when this is clearly not what either of us wants.
You don’t protect me by staying away. And if you stay away, I won’t.
.. then I won’t be able to protect you..
. That’s right. Maybe that’s something I want to do.
Who’s going to patch you up when you need it?
Who’s holding your hand when you feel like shit?
No, Benji, I refuse to let you end this already, if it’s just because you think it would protect me. ”
He brought his left hand to his face, wiping over his temple and eyes.
“I’m not saying you should keep seeing me or doing stuff with me if you don’t want to,” I added.
“If you want to stop anything because you hate me, or aren’t into guys, or just not into me, fine.
But that’s not what I’m hearing. I’m not going to sit here and not protest when you tell me that you wish you could be with me, and nothing actually speaks against it.
” I panted from all the rage that had forced the words out of me.
“ Damn, I’d give anything to wrestle it out with you right now. ”
Benji let out a chuckle at that last sentence as he looked at my hand, taking in the white of my knuckles against the red of my palm. Every muscle in my hand trembled with the effort of holding us together. He smiled at it, yet still didn’t grab it.