18. Samuel #3
“Sam... I appreciate everything you said, and I wish I could just agree and wrestle you and kiss you, but... There is one more thing. One thing I need to tell you.” He looked at my chest, his eyes not making it all the way up to my face.
“And please know that I’m fully prepared if you hate me and never want to talk to me again. ”
“Can we please stop?—”
“Sam, I’m serious.” His hands clenched into fists.
“What? Did you kill someone?” I joked, but when his eyes flicked up at mine, more serious than at any point in the first half of our conversation, I shut my mouth.
“It’s not that bad. But it’s something that makes me hate myself. Something you should’ve known sooner.” He peeked at me, his fists now trembling. “Before we... I’m gonna say it, and if you don’t want to talk after, I’ll still drive you home.”
I shifted in my seat, not sure what to expect. My hand was still on his knee, and I probably should’ve pulled it back, but I couldn’t. “Just tell me.”
He looked up, his eyes glistening in the sun more than before, like they were seconds away from drowning. “Sam, I’m sorry. But I...” He took a deep breath, his voice thinning. “It was a prank.”
He said it with such finality it felt like I should’ve treated it like a major revelation, but... what was a prank? I frowned. “I can’t follow?”
“The necklace,” he said, my eyes darting to it right away. “I never lost it. It was in my pocket the whole time. I pranked you into searching for it.”
My head jerked back. For a moment, it felt like I, the car, and the whole town dropped three feet into a hole, but landed softly right away. What he said made absolutely no sense.
“I would take it all back if I could turn back time,” he rushed on. “I freaking like you, and it eats me up that I did this. But I can’t undo it. And it’s unfair to you if we were to keep seeing each other without you knowing the truth.”
“A prank?” I said again, trying to wrap my head around it.
It felt like he wanted me to be furious, out of myself, ready to blow up at him—but all I felt was a single knot in my chest, small, pulsing, impossible to label as good or bad.
And it pushed me to dig deeper, to get to the bottom of everything. “But... why?”
“Because I’m stupid,” he muttered. “I thought you were a rich snob who worked at the farm for fun.”
“Why the hell would you think I was rich?” I chuckled, genuinely, because the more he said, the less any of it made sense.
“You came to work on Tuesday in entirely new clothes. Then you told me about going to college, your parents paying for your apartment, and you pouring everything you earn into a trust fund.”
I laughed harder. “What trust fund?”
“Or like a savings account, I don’t know. I told you, I’m stupid.”
“Are you trolling me right now?”
“I wish I were.”
He took a breath that hitched just before it finished.
My laughs died. For a moment, it seemed like the real prank was this conversation, but the way he nervously rubbed his thumb over his jeans, digging it into the fabric, like he was trying to pierce through the skin hiding underneath, told me he was dead serious.
“When I saw you buying those slightly more expensive brands at the store,” he said, “something in me snapped. I hear how ridiculous that sounds, but I was jealous and let it out in the worst possible way. I thought I’d do something so you’d miss the next trip to the movies with your parents—as if you went every fucking night.
” He let out a humorless laugh, letting his head hang so low over his shoulders it looked like it could snap off. “It wasn’t even a good prank.”
Then he jerked his head back up, like he’d had a revelation, but his gaze didn’t quite reach me; it stopped at the center console between us.
“And, so you know,” he added. “I’m truly grateful you helped me search. If I’d actually lost it, no one else would’ve gone through such lengths.... which makes what I did to you so much worse.”
His words settled between us, but not in an unpleasant way. I couldn’t say that it left me cold to learn that the night that almost cost me my job wasn’t even warranted.
But he treated the whole thing like it was only him.
He didn’t force me to offer my help or to spend the entire night searching.
He almost lost his job, too, when he tried to defend me only hours later.
And everything else he went through in the last two days alone only confirmed what made me want to help him in the first place.
He might not be flawless, but his heart was in the right place.
I stared at my hand, still on his right knee. It didn’t feel weird that it was still there. If anything, I wanted to leave it despite all the questions that rose in my head.
“Does your mom know?” I asked, my voice calm and low.
“She knows everything. She suggested inviting you, so I could get to know you better and overcome my stupid prejudices. And I’m glad she did.
I never would’ve had the guts to invite you on my own,.
..” A sad smile tugged on his lips, “...though I doubt she ever thought we’d get to know each other that well in one night. ”
His eyes settled on my hand as he paused to breathe, letting his confession linger for a few seconds.
“When I left on Saturday, I was so bummed,” he went on.
“I wanted to stay, hold you, be with you, because for the first time, I felt... grounded? When I got home, I thought about whether I should doubt that, but I couldn’t.
This wasn’t just me being horny or something.
I even wondered if I would have done similar stuff if I had been with a woman or Gordy, but.
.. No. I wanted it because it was you. You made me feel so relaxed, I almost forgot about everything.
Lying alone in bed that night, I pictured all the things I wanted to do with you, which made the realisation that I had lied to you hit even harder.
I regret it so much. You’re such an awesome person. ”
“Is it weird that I still think you’re awesome, too?” I said without hesitation. He’d proven enough now that he was still worth fighting for. Prank or not, what we felt for each other that night was real, just like everything we did for each other before and after.
“You...” While his head still hung low, his eyes finally snapped up to look at me. “...what?”
“Benji,” I said, lowering my head to get a little more in front of his.
“I was just as bummed when you left. That whole night, and even before that, you showed me more of how you truly are than any stupid prank could ruin. You said you regret it, and I believe you. Everything you said in the last half hour only confirmed that you are the good person I wanted to help find that necklace.”
“No, Sam, listen, I’m not?—”
“Oh, but you are. A bad guy wouldn’t have realized his mistake and tried so hard to make up for it. A bad guy wouldn’t have come out to his family and then come clean to me, risking ending up entirely alone. Only a good guy would’ve had that much courage.”
“That makes no sense.”
“I think it does.”
“But I hated you.”
“And still you defended me.”
“I... when did I defend you?”
“You did.” Maybe I shouldn’t be telling him this, but after everything he confessed, I could, too.
“I have to admit I overheard a conversation between you and Gordy on my first day. Gordy tried to badmouth me because I was gay, and you told him off. I know you didn’t do that because you liked me back then, or because you already knew about yourself, but because it was the right thing to do.
And even if you hated me back then, you still showed me how to do the job right so I wouldn’t hurt myself.
And you defended me so hard in front of Mr. Farley.
How can I not hold all that in your favor? ”
“I might’ve done all those things...”
“You did, and now that you've told me, I can safely say I still want to get to know you better. If that was the last thing holding you back, I say we put it behind us.”
His head shook as if he still couldn’t accept it, as if he was still searching for something that spoke against us.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“I am.”
He wiped his hands over his face, blinking. He glanced at me, then at my hand still on his knee. I squeezed it to show him I was serious.
“People will judge you,” he said, “hate you even. More than if you were with just any guy. Pete alone?—”
“So what? If they bother me, you’ll beat them up.”
“You—” His eyes darted to me, wide for a second, then softened into a smile. “You really can be stubborn,” he chuckled. “But I guess that’s one of the things I like about you.”
I turned my hand, which I can’t believe I never retracted throughout this entire conversation, and opened my palm.
“I like you, too.”
He nodded twice, first slowly, then with determination, and finally took my hand. He laced his fingers with mine, squeezing so hard it felt like he’d longed for nothing more than this since we parted ways two days ago.
“This... feels nice. Nicer than I deserve.”
I squeezed back, putting all my strength into it. “You deserve it, believe me.”
“I’m not going to question what you say. You’re the smart one.” He turned his head, took me in, and sniffled once. “I have to confess that I want to kiss you so hard right now.”
“Then why don’t you?”
He inhaled sharply, holding his breath as if this was his last wall of defense, as if he thought that once he’d kissed me, there was no way back.
I turned my head a little more and gave him a nod to show it was okay.
He wrinkled his nose, swallowed, stalled for one more second, but then finally leaned over the shift stick, pressing his stomach into it to get close enough so our lips could meet.
His left hand found my chin, his thumb brushing over my skin. Our lips clung to each other, embracing the bond we had just built.
When our mouths parted, he leaned his forehead against mine, his eyes locked on me like he still couldn’t believe it.
“I feel like, in just one week, my whole life turned upside down.” His gaze dropped to my lips.
“Thank you.” He drew me in closer, lowering his forehead to my collarbone as his arms wrapped around me.
“I’ll make it up to you in any way I can think of. ”
“You already did. So there is no need.” I slipped my arms around his shoulders, holding him there. “The only thing I want from you is that you hold me some more.”
“Getting cold again?”
“Let’s call it preventive measures.”
He nodded, wedging his hands behind my back, pressing his chest against mine. We stayed like this long enough for half a dozen cars to pass before Benji huffed.
“I’m sorry, but that stick shift is surprisingly hard,” he chuckled and sat back up, squirming a little and rubbing his palm over his chest, but then exhaled sharply, bringing his hands back to the wheel.
“Let me finally get you home, like I promised. And then I can hold you some more, if you still want to.”
“So you’d be free to hang out a little?”
“I am so free to hang out.” He shifted in his seat like the weight on his shoulders had been lifted. “I honestly didn’t expect it, but... there’s truly nothing I want more right now. Except maybe to eat something.”
“We could grab a pizza on our way, if you want to.”
He looked at his watch, then back at me. “I could eat some pizza.”
“Well, let’s.”
“Okay, but it’s my treat.”
“You sure? I could pull some money out of my trust fund and pay my half.”
His jaw clenched, but the corners of his mouth pulled up. “I can’t blame you for saying that.”
“Was it too soon?”
“Nah. You should probably say it more often, so I don’t forget my lesson.
” His grin glowed in the late afternoon sun.
He leaned in, gifting me another peck on the mouth, pulled away, licked over his lips, and then leaned in again for another kiss that held on like he still couldn’t believe he made it out alive of this conversation.
“Are you sure you don’t want to be at least a little mad at me?” he said as he pulled away.
“Why? Do you want me to spank you or something?”
His head sank until it bumped against the wheel, his laughter filling the car with new energy.
“Honestly, though,” I said, once he’d caught his breath. “I feel like I should be mad, too, but... as stupid as it is, maybe I’m not because it had to happen that way. If you hadn’t pranked me, we wouldn’t even be sitting here together right now.”
“I wish that wouldn’t be true.” His cheek stayed pressed against the wheel as he turned his head to me. “But since it is, let’s make the best out of it.”
“We’ll figure it out together.”
“Deal.” He sat up, turned the key, and brought the car back to life.
He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, glanced at the street over his left shoulder, and, after letting one car pass us, eased us back onto the road.
“Let’s start by figuring out which pizza toppings we like. And then we’ll take it from there.”