Chapter 16
Justine had lived in Los Angeles since she was seventeen, yet she’d never been to a movie set before. Not even on one of the studio tours that tourists went on—she wasn’t a tourist, after all, and it wasn’t as though she had any family visiting her.
Equally, she’d known Rochelle, who’d worked in Hollywood all her career, and had been a casting director for most of it, for the better part of her life. But Rochelle knew that visiting a sound stage where actors pretended to be fictional people would just be a waste of time for a woman on a singular mission like Justine.
But to see, with her own eyes, the earliest version of the Rainbow Shelter rebuilt on set, was even more of a trip than meeting Alexis Dalton for the first time. What was even more complicated for her to grasp was to see Alexis, dressed in the kind of clothes Justine wore back then, her hair styled to look as messy and uncared for as Justine’s did, interacting with Sienna, who somehow suddenly resembled thirty-six-year-old Rochelle as though she was her twin.
Obviously, Justine knew how movies were made, yet she couldn’t believe how this was possible.
Everyone she’d spoken to had warned her that it might be odd, definitely weird, perhaps even a little off-putting, but no one had predicted it would be this emotional. Justine had to bite back unexpected—and very silly—tears as she watched the scene Alexis and Sienna were playing. Just like that, it transported her back to when she was a naive, angry-but-hopeful-nonetheless twenty-five-year-old. And of course, Justine knew what acting was, still her brain could not comprehend how Alexis, whom she’d spent a little but really not all that much time with, could portray her so accurately. With the kind of intense and raw vulnerability Justine stomped through life with back then.
“Cut,” Mimi, the director, said. “You ladies are blowing my mind.” She beamed at Alexis and Sienna. They’d started shooting a few days ago and Rochelle had implored Justine to come to the set for this scene specifically—the moment when Justine and Rochelle had met. “Let’s do another take just to be sure,” Mimi said. “Have a breather while we reset.”
“Are you okay?” Like no other, Rochelle could sense a change of mood in Justine. “It’s quite something to watch.”
Justine nodded. “Yeah.” Inadvertently, her glance skittered to Sienna. They’d hooked up again last weekend—Sienna was insistent, and she had a way about her that Justine still found impossible to resist—but, apart from a couple of texts back and forth, they hadn’t really spoken since the shoot had started. Sienna had said the beginning of a shoot was emotionally very engrossing and time-consuming.
Alexis was the first to walk up to Justine and Rochelle.
“No hugs or kisses.” She came across as a lot more relaxed than before. Maybe she was most in her element in this particular environment. “Makeup will kill me.”
“Consider our minds fully blown as well,” Rochelle said. “Look at you.”
“The power of make-believe,” Alexis said. “What did you think?” She looked at Justine.
Justine exhaled dramatically. “I don’t know. Obviously, it’s amazing what you can evoke, but it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around. To see you as me. It’s, um, quite astounding.”
“That’s to be expected.” Alexis smiled. “I guess it also means I’m doing a good job. I’d have to ask myself some serious questions if you weren’t somehow a little shaken by it.”
Suddenly, the vibe on the soundstage changed, as though a current of electricity crackled through the air.
Nora Levine, followed by a man and a woman—Juan and Imani, Justine knew from Marcy—walked onto the set.
Justine’s muscles tensed. Not because she disliked Nora Levine—on the contrary, there was a lot she absolutely loved about Nora, mainly her involvement with, and generous checks to the Los Angeles LGBT Center—but because she knew who Nora was playing in this movie. Her mother.
“She’s probably just here to see her girlfriend,” Rochelle said.
“Nora and her entourage have been here every day. She’s extremely supportive of Mimi,” Alexis said. “It’s kinda cute. I hadn’t really imagined Nora like that.” Alexis brought her hand to Justine’s arm. “Nora’s scenes are only scheduled for next week.”
Justine was certainly not planning to visit the set on the day those particular scenes were being shot. She knew they were part of the movie, and she had given her approval, but she had no desire to relive the drama of her parents kicking her out of the house. She had no intention of opening up that old wound, even though she was pretty sure the layers of scar tissue that had grown over the years would not open very easily—possibly never, not if she could help it.
She scanned the set for Sienna again. She wouldn’t mind looking into her pretty face right about now, just for a touch of comfort, to be pulled out of all of these emotions swirling within her.
Nora must have spotted them and walked over. They exchanged polite hellos. Justine was grateful that Nora’s personal trainer—her ex, Marcy—wasn’t part of her entourage, because that would surely have tipped her over some sort of edge right now. Where was Sienna, damn it? Perhaps she was keeping a respectful distance in order to avoid anyone finding out about their affair—if you could even call it that. They hadn’t agreed on a code of conduct. It hadn’t seemed important when they’d said goodbye last Sunday at Sienna’s penthouse.
“Places in five,” someone said over the speakers.
Alexis said her goodbyes and Nora wasn’t really one to linger—Justine knew that about her.
Then, finally, Justine caught Sienna’s gaze.
Sienna didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t predict how she’d behave if she stood too close to Justine. Besides, she was working. She had to focus. It was hard enough with Justine and Rochelle watching. Alexis seemed to thrive under their gaze, but Sienna, for the first time, was starting to think that maybe sleeping with Justine before this shoot had even begun was not such a good idea.
But she was also curious about how coming to the set, and watching Alexis play her and Sienna play Rochelle, affected Justine. Because it was certainly getting to Sienna playing opposite Alexis-as-Justine.
She caught Justine looking at her. Their gazes locked. But the assistant director was about to call time. She had to get back in place, and fully in character, for the next take. Hopefully it would be the last one Mimi needed for this scene and they could take a long break while the next scene was blocked.
Sienna averted her gaze and tried to find her focus. She owed it to this movie—and to Justine and Rochelle—to be the best actor she could be in this movie. It was important to her for so many reasons.
Sienna had barely looked at Justine for a few seconds. She hadn’t even managed a smile. But Justine understood better than anyone how annoying it was to be disturbed while trying to do your job—although she considered her own job a lot more important than making this movie.
Rochelle gave her a look. Justine hadn’t talked more with her about Sienna, but of course she knew they were still sleeping together. Rochelle always knew. The strength of their friendship was that, more often than not, they didn’t need words to understand each other. Although Justine was pretty sure Rochelle didn’t understand this —and that she very much disapproved.
Justine watched Alexis and Sienna’s different ways to prepare for a take. Alexis went fully still and seemed to turn deeply inward in order to unearth Justine’s character from the depths of her own soul, while Sienna clenched her fists and took a few long, loud breaths. Then someone yelled ‘Action’ and Justine was watching a version of herself she was proud of in some ways, but had also chosen to forget vital parts of.
Delicate negotiating and subtle strategizing had never been Justine’s forte, especially not back then. She was a doer. She got shit done. It was the only way to get the shelter off the ground.
Justine was neither a politician, nor a naive dreamer. She was someone with firsthand knowledge of what it was like to sleep outside—and not in a romantic, under-the-stars kind of way. She knew what it was like to never, not even for one split second, let your guard down. To sleep on a flimsy piece of cardboard with one eye open. To protect yourself from constant threat. To be so hungry you’d eat anything and so unwashed that your clothes felt hard instead of soft.
She knew how important it was to limit that damaging experience for anyone to as short a time as possible, but especially for vulnerable teenagers whose brains were still developing. If she had to shout at someone to make that happen, then so be it. If she had to step on some toes and make a bunch of city council suits feel uncomfortable, that was an easy price to pay compared to what she—and many others like her—had been through.
But time and age had softened Justine’s sharpest edges, and she was no longer that version of her that Alexis was playing, eyes blazing naked anger and muscles perpetually strained with the utter unfairness of it all. But oh, to see herself like that again. To look into this time machine mirror and have those emotions wash over her again. To watch Alexis-as-herself meet Sienna-as-Rochelle for the first time. To witness the subtle mellowing of her features that Alexis portrayed so well in response to Sienna’s radiant smile, was stronger than Justine’s will to not let any of this get to her. Because it did get to her. Because meeting Rochelle had changed her life, and only ever for the better.
Silently, she reached for Rochelle’s hand and held it in hers throughout the rest of the scene.
“Fuck,” she said on a sigh as soon as the director said ‘Cut’.
“It’s quite something.” Even Rochelle’s always loud voice had dimmed. “Are you okay?”
There was no way she could stop the tears streaming down her face, so Justine didn’t even try.
“Hell no,” she said. “I don’t think I’ll become a regular visitor to this set.”
“Maybe we underestimated what this would do to us.” Rochelle still held Justine’s hand and gave it a light squeeze. “Especially to you.”
“This movie’s been on my mind for so long.” Justine inhaled sharply. “It was one thing to agree to it and to read the script. Even to meet Alexis and, um, Sienna. But to witness this…” She shook her head, tears dangling from her lashes. “That’s a lot to process.”
Justine couldn’t put into words what it was doing to her—not yet. And maybe she shouldn’t even try. Maybe she should just let it be what it was, and not return to this movie studio again. There would be a big brouhaha about the premiere eventually, but that was a long time from now. She didn’t need to worry about that yet.
“I know.” Rochelle rubbed Justine’s arm. “I’m glad you came, though. I think it’s important.”
Justine shook her head. “I prefer to look to the future instead of delving into my past like that.” She pursed her lips. “That’s really not my thing.”
“I know, but still.” Rochelle looked Justine in the eye. “Sometimes it’s good to look back.”
“Hey.”
Justine had been so wrapped up in her emotions that she hadn’t noticed Sienna approach.
“We’re having some feelings,” Rochelle said.
Damn it. Now Justine was crying in front of Sienna. Justine never went out of her way to look sexy for someone she was casually dating—she didn’t have the time—but to stand in front of Sienna with her cheeks all wet and her eyes puffy was not exactly her intention either. Moreover, what she wanted to do more than anything was pull Sienna close to her. To feel the warmth of her skin against hers. To just, very simply, hold her in her arms for a few seconds, or minutes, or longer if possible. But this, too, was not how Justine was wired. Her life simply didn’t accommodate too much sentiment. She had bigger fish to fry and she was always on a tight timeline—this included her emotions as well.
“Are you okay?” Sienna put her hand in the small of Justine’s back and it took everything she had to not burst into tears again, to add some more moisture to her already soaked cheeks. What the hell was happening to her? “Do you want to go to my trailer? I have a break.”
“Yeah.” Justine wiped her face and squared her shoulders. It’s what she did. Still, she gladly followed Sienna, who looked so much like Rochelle it really did feel like time had just collapsed in on itself.