~Chapter 8~
In the morning I wake up with a terrible headache and heavy eyes and my thoughts are completely elsewhere.
I get out of bed and with heavy steps I go to the bathroom, undress and take a shower.
The cold water hits me like a punishment.
I probably deserve it. I lean my forehead against the cold wall and let the water run over me, as if it could erase everything that happened yesterday.
I feel fatigue mixing with shame and a strange, dangerous silence inside me.
I look down, my hands are shaking, my skin is full of red marks from how much I tensed up in my sleep.
I take a deep breath, but the air seems to hurt.
"Another day, the same emptiness," I say to myself softly, more to myself.
I get out of the shower and look in the mirror.
My eyes seem foreign. As if someone else lives in my place.
I spend some more time looking at myself in the mirror, sigh and leave the bathroom with a towel around my waist and go straight to the dressing room.
I really don't feel like going to school after all this, my head is pounding and my eyes are so heavy that I haven't slept for two consecutive days.
After I get something casual, a cream suit and some white Nike sneakers, I look at myself in the mirror, after thinking that it's okay I turn around and stay a little fixated on what I see.
I approach him and move him, after all he has school too.
Sergio. Wake up"
"Ugh... 5 more minutes" he says between groans and moves to the other side.
I sigh and add more.
"What 5 minutes, it's 8 to 10, you idiot.
Do you want to not see Emy today?" I say and get up when he finally elbows his head off the pillow.
"My back is killing me. You're in a bad bed" he says as he gets up and flexes his body
"I think my room is yours, what do you think?
" I say annoyed at the situation so I look for my car keys and phone.
He doesn't answer and I see him going to the bathroom so I don't ask anymore.
I look for the rent once again and I can't find them this time either, I call Sergio because maybe he knows.
"Do you know where my car keys are?" I call out to him as I search.
He appears in the doorway with a towel around his waist and says
"Dad took them" he says and I look up so quickly I think I'm dizzy
"What?
For what?" I say quickly and wait for him to answer
"Cassian look.
..you don't know from me, but he took them and sold your car.
I don't know what for" he says and scratches his hair.
"It's basically his car" I add slowly and lie back on the bed.
"I think if I still don't have a car then I'll go back to motorcycles" I say and get out of bed and Sergio is with the phone in his hand.
"Do whatever you want" he says shortly and leaves my room.
I go down the stairs and go to the kitchen to get her something to drink.
I make myself some coffee and pour it into a glass while I wait for Sergio to come to school.
I hear a meow outside so I get up and go to the back door that leads to our yard.
Pookie was at the door and was petting me so I could let her in, I open the door for her and she comes in all her own and goes straight to the food bowl.
"What a thief" I say and I go to the drawers to get the cat food and put it in her bowl.
"Here you go, papa" I pat her back and she purrs while she eats.
I get up and see Sergio standing at the front door so I get her another sip of coffee and I go over to him.
He looks at me and says softly
"Are you going to come with me?
" He says and looks into my eyes. I nod and sigh but open the door and continue walking to his car.
I get in the car and wait for it to start.
I sit in the right seat, silent. Sergio's scent is the same, a mix of perfume and cigarette smoke.
A memory hits me: his fingers in my hair, his raised voice, the tears from last night.
I swallow hard and look out the window.
The clouds are thick, and the road seems endless.
He starts the engine without saying anything.
Only the music is playing softly, a background sound that doesn't fill the silence, only makes it more oppressive.
I feel his gaze darting towards me, but I don't meet it.
Not yet. I can't.
"It's just another morning, Cassy," I repeat to myself.
"Just another day of pretending to be okay. "
After what seems like an eternity, we arrive at school, I quickly get out of the car and mumble a "bye" and then I go to the next class, because I missed the first one.
The hallway is as crowded as always, but something to change this time.
Even though my eyes are fixed straight ahead, I still feel glances and small voices directed at me, it's not the first time and not the last time this happens so I don't necessarily notice and continue walking to class.
I enter the classroom and go to the bench, where I see Theo and Emy.
He glances at me briefly, and I just nod, not in the mood for conversation.
I sit down in my chair and put my backpack down, trying to appear calm, even though my mind is still caught up in other thoughts.
The noise in the classroom gradually increases, everyone talking to each other as if nothing has happened.
The door suddenly opens, and Sergio walks in with Colby, chatting and laughing as usual.
They sit down on the bench, and for a moment, Sergio's gaze meets mine-a second that seems longer than it should be.
"Bonjour" I hear and then I see that the lady has entered the classroom.
I take my eyes off them and focus on the lesson, that they have to give us grades because we still have this week and then we take a little vacation, I can't wait!
The lesson passes quite slowly, I've never been fascinated by French.
Why should I know French when my native language is Italian?
I sigh and then the bell rings so I get up and ask Emy and Theo something
"I'm hungry.
Shall we go to the cafeteria?" I say and I was already at the door and the classroom was empty.
"Yeah, I haven't eaten since morning either" Theo says loudly and rubs his belly.
Emy laughs and says "come on" and we head to the cafeteria.
Here, as usual, many people and too little air, I grab whatever I can and head to a table.
I wait for the others to come and then they show up too, we start eating and discuss small things at the same time.
We eat what we have left and then Ezra appears out of nowhere at our table.
"Do you want to go to a party? I heard one of them can play pool so they have a table like that, you're coming too Cassian, right?
" He says and I nod. Even though I don't feel like doing anything maybe this helps me stop thinking about those stupid things
"I'll be there" I say and eat an apple.
Ezra smiles and adds
"Okay. Then be ready on Thursday, I'll text you with the location.
You better come with a car, everyone, it's quite far away and if where I had the party was a mansion, here we go directly from the palace" .
He says the last sentence more slowly, almost conspiratorially, then he leaves grinning.
I look at Emy, and she raises her eyebrows as if she knows more than she's saying.
I don't ask anything, but that strange feeling in my stomach won't leave me alone.
---
After eating, we went to the next three consecutive classes, which were a total ordeal.
In math, I was listened to-and honestly, if I didn't say two words, I got a 2 next to that glorious 3 on the list. The teacher looked at me like I had just ruined her day by just breathing.
In history, it was a little more bearable, but only because I had turned in the project.
Of course, she couldn't help herself and made us present in front of the class.
I had to talk about my subject-which I barely remembered-and force a smile while the others giggled.
And in biology... surprise! Test. I didn't even have time to blink and the paper was already in front of me.
At the end of the classes, I felt like my mind was a gray paste and that if I heard one more word about "cells" or "revolutions", I swear I would go crazy.
"I'm going to plow" Emy screams after the last class and I nod my head affirmatively.
"Sorry guys I have to go. Dad has been looking for me for a while.
.." She says and leaves. Theo and I stayed behind and said goodbye and then we each went our separate ways.
We got to Sergio's car and he was already there on the phone
"I swear if you don't come in the next 5 minutes we're leaving without you" Sergio says annoyed and bored just by my presence there.
"Anyway. Did Ezra tell you about that party?
" I ask after I put on my seat belt and Sergio had already started the engine and left the school.
He nods affirmatively and says
"But it's a bit far, I think it's about 4 hours to get there if I remember correctly" he says and takes a breath of air "why do they have these parties hundreds of meters away" he says and I flinch at that.
I turn my head out the window and see that we're close to home and ask
"Where's mom?
She's not coming today either?"
"I don't know, I don't think so.
Or he went on vacation without us" he says and sulks at this.
I'm surprised by this, I didn't know about this vacation
"Let's be honest. We really don't need dad with his black love and mom who's a liar" I say and continue "anyway it's not what it was a while ago.
..evasive looks, unspoken words and I can continue" I say when Sergio was already in the garage with the car
"You're right" he says shortly and gets out of the car.
---
I follow him into the house and leave my bag by the door.
It's quiet, too quiet. Only the ticking of the kitchen clock can be heard, rhythmically, as if reminding me that time is passing even when I want it to stop.
Sergio throws his keys on the table and sighs deeply.
"Are you making something to eat?" he asks without looking at me.
"No... I don't feel like it," I say as I lean against the wall.
"Of course. You haven't felt like anything lately.
" His tone is dry, but it's not spite-it's fatigue.
I look at him for a few seconds. Then I say, almost in a whisper:
"Maybe if I knew what I wanted, I would feel like it. "
He looks up at me, and for a moment it seems like he wants to say something, but he gives up.
Instead, he comes over to me, puts a hand on my shoulder, and says quietly,
"Then let's have something to eat together.
Maybe you'll feel like living after that.
"
I smile weakly, just enough not to worry him too much, and follow him into the kitchen.
He puts a pot of water on the stove, and I sit down at the table and rest my head on my arms.
Pookie comes in too, jumps into the chair next to me, and purrs softly, like a kind of nonjudgmental silence.
For the first time today, I feel like maybe I don't have to say anything.
That it's enough to be here-in this house, next to my brother, with the cat who eats better than me.
After Sergio made the pasta mostly by himself and put it on the plate, we went to watch something on TV.
When I finished, I looked at Sergio to see if he was finished and ready too, I took his plate and mine and went to wash the dishes if he had also made the food.
After I did that, I got something to nibble on and went back to the couch to watch TV, I sat down and stayed like that for about an hour.
After the movie ended I got up and saw that Sergio was fast asleep so I went to my room, there I undressed and went to take a quick shower and then do the same thing in my room, to watch TV.
I put some drawings on to watch and I sit comfortably on the bed.
I hear someone going up the stairs and then Sergio's head appears at the door
"I'm going to bed, good night" he says while yawning
"Good night.
.." I say and close the door after that.
I didn't even realize that it was already 9 pm, I got out of bed, put the TV on pause and went to my desk.
I started doing a project because I always leave it to the last few hundred meters.
After what seems like days pass, I finish the project too. It was almost 1 am, I lie down on the chair and then get up to go to the bathroom and then to bed.
I didn't even realize that I had fallen asleep until I entered the world where I would have liked to live day and night.
There, nothing hurt me. Everything was as I had always wanted - peace, security, people who never leave.
I felt whole for the first time. But, as always, that world wasn't real.
Just a beautiful lie of my tired mind. And yet.
.. I cling to it, because in my dream at least I'm not alone. ...