~Chapter 14~
The warm Spanish sunlight hits my eyelids, forcing me out of a sleep that wasn’t even close to restful.
I stretch and hear the others’ voices. Laughing. Too loudly for this hour.
I lift my gaze and see through the window the beginnings of palm trees and mostly blue sky. Not a trace of Italy.
“Welcome to Spain, Cassian,” Theo says, smiling with an energy I can’t quite understand.
And then I realize: no matter how much I want to leave everything behind, some things come with you, even across borders.
We grab what we need from the plane and step outside.
Spain smells like the sea and lost time.
The air is warm, and the city seems alive in a way I am not.
I hear everyone laughing around me — Theo, Emy, Sergio — and for a moment I wonder if I’m the only one stuck between what I feel and what I should feel.
Around me, vacation has begun. Inside me, it’s just a continuation of the fatigue I keep hiding.
I try to walk with quick steps, but the first thing I hear is Theo’s voice:
“Seriously, Cassian? Can’t you just enjoy yourself once without looking like it hurts?”
I stand abruptly, confused, looking around — the sun shining, Emy filming something, Sergio giving me that “don’t start now” look.
I don’t know what I dreamed, but I can still feel the anger in my stomach.
“Maybe if you didn’t try to tell me how to feel…
”
“I’m not trying, I just… I miss you, Cass. The one who used to laugh.”
I look at him. For the first time, I don’t know if what I feel is anger or fear.
We get into the car that will take us to the hotel — me in the front, the others in the back.
We arrive at the hotel, and it actually looks nice.
I think it must have at least 30 floors, and outside it already smells of millions.
I go to the front with Emy, toward the lady at the entrance, waiting for the Moment.
“Hello, I have a reservation under Emy Rossi,” my friend says, smiling ear to ear.
The lady at the desk — Daniela, I think — types something on her computer and nods.
“Yes, two rooms for five days, including today,” she says. Emy wants to say something else, but I interrupt.
“Do you have penthouses available, miss?” I ask. She types something again.
Emy looks surprised, then annoyed.
“Why are you doing this, Cass—” she starts, but Daniela interrupts.
“Yes, we have one on the 16th–17th floor. Do you want it from today until Friday morning?” She nods.
“Then it’s 4,250 euros. Please scan your card here,” she continues, showing me where.
“Thank you. Have a nice day,” I say with a smile and head to Emy, taking her hand.
“Why, Cassian?” she asks, annoyed, I think.
“You brought me here to relax. That means I can do what I want, right?” I say, while Theo and Sergio turn to see what we’re talking about.
“Yes, but we were supposed to stay together. We don’t want a penthouse, Cassian…
” Emy says quietly.
“If you don’t want to, then don’t come.
It’s not hard to understand,” I reply, and with that, I head up to floors 16–17.
The apartment is reasonably nice — maybe a 9 if it didn’t have so much light. There’s a nice open-plan kitchen and dining area. Four bedrooms, three bathrooms, and more things around, but I’m not particularly interested.
I go up to the floor, intending to pick my room. I enter the closest one and start changing — it’s too hot for what I had on, and it’s October. People are in shorts and dresses outside; I think it’s 30 degrees at barely 1 p.m. I put on loose khaki pants and a white polo-style top.
My phone rings — it’s Sergio, so I answer.
“What do you want?” I say.
“Are you planning to come out with us?” he says quietly, probably not wanting others to hear.
“Where exactly?”
“To the beach, obviously.”
“Alright, I guess,” I say, and hang up.
I grab some extra beach shorts and a towel, putting them in a beach bag, hoping we go by car. I’m not carrying this by hand.
I go downstairs, and Emy, Theo, and Sergio are already there.
They see me, so I step out of the hotel.
Walking with them, I ask,
“Are we going by car?” I say, grumpy about leaving at this hour.
“It’s less than five minutes to the beach,” Theo says kindly.
I look at him, questioning.
“Did you bring what you need?” he asks, taking the bag from me.
“Yes, I think. I won’t stay long. I’ll get hungry after,” I say, and see him walk ahead without returning the bag, so I say nothing.
Finally, we arrive at the beach. The sand is crowded with people in the water, most sunbathing.
The air smells of salt and sunscreen, the sand slightly burning under my feet.
Children scream as they run around with buckets of water, and from a bar on the beach, a loud Spanish summer song plays.
The sand is hot, people laughing, waves crashing again and again.
Everything seems alive.
And yet, inside me, something remains cold.
I pull down my sunglasses and sigh.
“So this is happiness? These people bake in 40-degree heat and still smile.”
Emy laughs and throws a towel at me.
“Relax, Cass. We’re on vacation, not in therapy.”
“Maybe that’s why it feels strange,” I murmur.
Theo throws off his shirt and jumps straight into the water without a word.
I watch him for a second too long, until Sergio lightly nudges me with his elbow.
“What’s wrong? Don’t you want to go in too?”
“Yeah… something like that,” I murmur, though I’m not sure if I mean the water or him.
After finding a sunbed to settle on, I walk to the bar in just my pants.
“I want a Coke Zero,” I say, smiling at the boy giving me the drink.
“What brings you here?” he asks as he hands the order to someone else.
“Friends,” I say simply. He nods, stepping out of my line of sight, then comes back.
“What’s your name?” he asks as I notice him staring at me.
“Cassian. You?”
“Mateo,” he says, as someone else calls him.
I stand, leaving the table, not wanting to see how this so-called Mateo continues staring.
I sit back on the sunbed and set my drink on the table. I put my sunglasses on and watch Sergio and Theo splash each other as if they were ten years old. Emy is at the bar, probably flirting with the bartender — typical.
I nod and smile in the corner of my mouth.
“Kids…” I murmur to myself, raising my glass.
Sergio waves me over.
“Come on, Cass! We’re not spending the whole day in the sun!”
“I am,” I say, leaning back. “Someone has to keep the chairs warm.”
He laughs, but I know he won’t give up easily.
Emy comes over with two colorful drinks and a smile that already says she’s had one before.
“Come on, lazybones, aren’t you coming in the water?”
“No, I’m supervising. Can’t have anyone stealing the umbrella.”
“Umbrella? Or your peace of mind as an 80-year-old?”
I take off my sunglasses and look at her briefly.
“Very funny.”
Sergio comes over and splashes water on my feet.
“Come on, Cassian! You can’t stay dry all the time!”
I sigh theatrically and set my glass down.
“Fine… but if my hair gets wet, I’ll kill you.”
Theo laughs loudly.
“That’s a promise I can’t wait to see you try to keep.”
I get up, take off my necklace, and step into the water. The cold hits me instantly.
“Is this water or ice?”
Emy laughs from the shore, and the boys start splashing again.
Finally, I give in, diving in too, and everything becomes a chaos of laughter, waves, and jokes.
For the first time in a long while, I don’t think about anything. I just live the moment.