~Chapter 18~
After everyone falls asleep and the lights go out, I stay awake. I go up to my room and throw myself on the bed.
I lie on my back, my eyes on the ceiling.
There’s nothing there, just a patch of light from the hallway neon.
But in my mind… it’s chaos.
My body still feels touches.
Not sexual.
Touches that wanted something from me.
And that scares me more than anything.
I run a hand over my chest.
My breathing is irregular, shallow, like I can’t get any air in.
I don’t know if what happened was a mistake.
I don’t know if I used them.
Or if they used me.
I just know it wasn’t just sex.
And that can’t be true.
I close my eyes.
I can hear my pulse in my ears.
I try to breathe.
Yes, just breathe.
But instead of silence, Asher’s voice comes into my mind:
“You disappear when you get scared.”
I clench the sheet in my fist.
Yes.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
And it annoys me that he saw me so quickly.
And it annoys me even more that I don't know what I feel.
---
I wake up to my phone vibrating.
It’s really late.
Too late for anyone to text… unless they have a reason to.
I look at the screen.
Nikolai:
“Does it hurt?”
That’s it.
No joking.
No possessiveness.
No “come back.”
Just a simple question.
That hits me where it hurts.
I stare at the message too long for it to be normal.
I don’t answer.
The phone vibrates again.
Nikolai
“Drink water. And sleep on your left side.”
That’s it.
He doesn't even call me.
He doesn't ask for anything.
He doesn't explain anything.
He just... knows.
And this is more intimate than anything they did in the room.
I put my phone on my chest.
I close my eyes.
Not because I'm calm.
But because I don't know how to feel so many things at the same time.
I feel so vulnerable and overwhelmed that I didn't even realize that my mind was already on sleep until I entered the life and the world I wanted.
---
I woke up at 5 when my alarm went off.
I got out of bed and went to the bathroom to take a shower.
I was covered in hiccups all over my neck or rather, all over my body.
I look at myself in disgust but...it's totally wrong
And that question comes to mind again
“Why can't I feel it anymore? the feeling I've longed for..”
I step into the shower and let the water run over me. To wash away the stupid thoughts that are now coming to my mind.
The water falls. Not in waves, not as a release.
But as a punishment. Cold. Sharp. As if someone were trying to erase me completely.
I look at my skin. At their traces.
On my neck.
On my chest. On my ribs.
On the inside of my thighs.
And the first thing I feel is emptiness.
Not shame.
Not guilt.
Empty.
I run my nails over my skin, as if trying to peel myself away from the one who was there, in that bed, breathing hard and eyes closed.
But nothing comes off.
"What the hell is wrong with me…
?"
The question comes out, but my voice sounds… foreign.
I hold on to the shower tiles or try, water running into my hair, my eyes, my mouth.
And the same question comes to mind over and over again
I squeeze my eyes shut.
As if if I close them long enough, I’ll remember what it was like to feel something.
Not pleasure.
Not desire.
Belonging.
But all I feel is…
nothing.
I laugh.
I don’t know why.
I laugh briefly.
Tired. Broken.
“Look, he’s gone,” I mutter.
“Okay, right?”
I try to be calm.
To be ironic.
To seem above it all.
To be “that” Cassian.
But the truth sits heavy in my chest:
I don’t feel anything anymore.
And it’s destroying me.
I lie to myself.
“I wanted this, right?”
“I’m in control.
”
“I choose.”
“I use, I’m not used.
”
“I don’t need anyone.
”
But even my lies sound tired.
My body…
is proof that something happened.
But my soul?
Something is missing that I don’t even know its name anymore.
And then I realize:
I’m not disgusted by what happened.
I’m disgusted that I didn’t feel anything I was supposed to feel.
I’m disgusted that I looked for something where I knew it would hurt.
I’m disgusted that I let myself be touched, seen, opened
and that I still remained naked.
The water keeps running.
Cold.
Constant.
Indifferent.
Exactly how I am now.
I get out of the shower after it appears I feel like killing myself and I dry myself.
Now I was covered in red moons from my nails and the marks from the towel I pressed too hard on my chest.
I change and go down to the kitchen or the living room. I don't plan on staying alone for another second. I need attention so much..
---
I enter the living room and there was Sergio sleeping on the couch with his face all over a pillow and one leg on the floor and the other up on the couch. I squirm when I see them and go to the kitchen for a cup of water.
There was Theo.
I frowned a little because it was not even 7 and he was awake.
I walk past him and go to get a bottle of water from the fridge
"Aren't you going to say hello to your friend?
" He says while looking at me.
I turn to face him and smile a little
"Good morning" I say
"Good morning guys" says Emy as she takes the glass from my hand and drinks my water.
She sits down at the table and says
"My head hurts so bad, how much did I drink last night?
" Emy says and sighs.
Theo laughs pretty hard and gets a slap on the head and that makes me laugh a little too
"Pretty hard" I say and she looks at me angrily, "What?
It's not my fault, you were dancing with a girl" I say and she rolls her eyes.
A little while passes and we talk but then Sergio enters the kitchen
"I'M HUNGRY, SMELL FOOD CASSIAN" he says and sits on the chair at the table
"Why me?
Don't you have legs and arms?" I say offended and bring my hands and put them to my chest.
"I'm so damn hungry and if I don't eat in an hour then Theo is my next meal and you're the last person to see him" he says and gets up and doesn't even look at me.
Theo seems offended and sticks his tongue out so that after Emy he can embody them so that they don't look at each other.
I fidget.
"Come on, get changed. In 10 minutes we're going to eat downstairs at the hotel" she says and leaves the room first.
Sergio mumbles something there but I don't hear that I'm already heading to my room to get something for myself.
I enter the room and only then do I realize that I was only in my shorts.
"What a mess"… I mutter and start rummaging around for something to change into.
I find a white, loose-fitting suit, exactly like the one I wore yesterday.
The material of the shirt was knitted, you could see through it quite a bit, but that's exactly what made it look sexy in that untouched, without trying too hard way.
I looked in the mirror for a bit, fixed my hair and decided to give it a chance.
I looked good. The kind of good where you don't say anything, but you know.
I go downstairs and Sergio and Theo were already dressed and perfumed, relaxed.
Emy also came after I showed up and said a simple
"Come on"
---
We leave the apartment and head for the elevator. No one made a sound inside. The silence was… strangely heavy, as if everyone was thinking something they didn’t want to say.
I had opened my mouth to say something, anything, but the doors opened and I changed my mind.
It was warm outside, the daylight was gentle, as if the city was still waking up.
We stopped at the hotel kitchen. The smell of fresh coffee and warm croissants.
“I’ll have something light,” I say.
I grab a plain yogurt and some fruit. Not too heavy, not too light. Perfect enough so my stomach doesn’t hurt and yet I feel alive.
Sergio was looking at me, leaning on one elbow, with one of those smiles where you don’t know if he’s judging you or just observing.
“Elegant today, I see,” he says.
I raise an eyebrow.
“Were I talking to you?”
He laughs.
"No, but you wanted to."
Theo lets out a long sigh and sits down next to me.
"Can you guys not start this morning?
"
I looked at them and wanted to laugh.
Yes, it was that morning. The kind that promises something.
And yet… something in the air was different.
And I started eating until I felt like I was being examined so I swallowed hard but that made me cough badly.
"What the hell are you doing Cassian.
..", Emy says and gives me the water while patting my back a little.
"Thank you" I say and drink a little water and take a breath of air after.
Sergio looks at me suspiciously and says
"What is it?
" He asks and puts his hands on the table while he continues eating
"Nothing" I say and I lean back with my head
"Cassian" he says and I glance at him, as he stares at me "what's bothering you?
" He says and looks at me insistently.
That caught Theo and Emy's attention too, I glance at them and continue eating
"Aren't you answering the question?
" Theo says and I hear him chuckle. I swallow again and look at him
"Maybe I don't mean it" I say softly "do you understand?
" I say and start to finish what I was doing
There are a few seconds of silence. All you can hear is the cutlery hitting the plates and the hum of other tables around you.
I look at my yogurt, but every movement feels too… conscious. I feel watched. Again.
Sergio puts down his spoon. Slowly, calculatedly.
"Maybe he doesn't want to say," he repeats, as if tasting my words to see if there's a crack in them.
Theo rests his chin on his hand, looking at me with one of those smiles that's not necessarily bad, just too sincere.
"But we don't have to tell each other EVERYTHING, right?
" he says in a light tone, trying to save the atmosphere.
Emy sighs, the kind of sigh that says "really, again?
"
"If he says he doesn't want to say, he doesn't. Leave him alone," she says
Then she turns her gaze to me.
"But at least breathe when you eat, right?
"
I lift one corner of my lips in a small, brief smile.
"I'm trying."
Sergio is still staring. Not in an aggressive way, but in a way that sees more than I want to show.
His eyes drop for a second to my knitted T-shirt, then to my collarbone, then back to my eyes.
Slowly. Visible. Intentional.
"Okay," calm.
But he's not calm. Neither am I.
"Okay," Emy says, getting up from her chair.
"Come on, we have to get somewhere later.
"
We all get up. I go out first.
The air outside is warm, but a cold shiver runs down my spine.
Sergio comes up beside me. He doesn't say anything.
He just walks.
A second. Two. Three.
Then, slowly:
"You're looking at me like you hate me.
" He says and I feel the hair on the back of my neck rise.
I look back at him.
"And?"
"And I don't think it's this"
I feel his eyes on me, almost touching my skin.
"I think it's something else," he says
He says it like he already knows.
I shake my head, trying to escape.
"It's only morning, Sergio.
Leave it at that."
"It doesn't seem like it"
His voice remains quiet. Too quiet.
Emy and Theo have gone back to the hotel kitchen because they forgot their phone, so now they're a few steps behind, I can't hear.
The two of us are left behind.
Then, Sergio says something that takes my breath away:
"Cassian…
I'm not going to push you to say anything.
" He pauses for a second. "But don't lie to yourself, you're hurting yourself without realizing it.
"
I stop walking. He pauses too, facing me.
Two long seconds.
And just then…
My phone vibrates.
A message.
A name appears on the screen that I haven't seen in a long time.
A name that should NOT have appeared.
Sergio sees my reaction and his eyes narrow a little.
"Who is it?" he asks.
I don't answer.
Because that name, just the name, hits me in the stomach.
ASH.
---
Sergio pov:
I see him stop. His screen flashes.
His eyes change. Not much. Not theatrically. Just… just enough for me to notice.
Cassian says it's nothing, but his body betrays him every time.
His breathing hitches.
His jaw tightens.
His fingers close too quickly on the phone.
"It's nothing," he repeats.
And he turns back to the restaurant, briefly, without explaining anything to us.
Theo and Emy call out to him, laugh, continue their conversation.
As if nothing happened.
As if nothing changes.
But I saw him.
At the table, Cassian says he's going to the bathroom and we should wait for him.
That tone... too fast, too neutral.
He gets up, leaves the phone on the chair next to me.
He doesn't pick it up.
And I know it wasn't by accident.
It was panic.
I'm left alone at the table for a few seconds.
Theo and Emy go to ask about Theo's phone because they couldn't find it.
I stay with his phone.
With that name I saw before he blocked it:
ASH.
I remember it.
I remember it very well.
Inhale.
Exhale.
I don't like to interfere in people's lives.
I'm not the type to look for drama.
But Cassian is breaking up inside and no one sees.
And then I choose to see for myself.
The phone is there.
In my hand.
All I have to do is press.
Touch it.
The screen lights up.
It's not a new password.
The same one.
I know—she told me one night when she was crying and couldn't find the strength to get out of bed.
4004
Of course.
Opens
Cassian walks out of the bathroom with that step I know all too well—
the “I’ve locked everything inside me and I hope it doesn’t show” step.
I leave the phone on the chair exactly as it was, but the feeling lingers in my palm.
The name Ash is not the name of a man who does harm.
It’s the name of a man you still say in your mind when it’s late and no one is around.
A man you lost before you really had him.
The message wasn’t an empty apology, it wasn’t a plea for attention.
It was… something else.
-ASH: “I don’t know what to do with you. You’re still moving me. And I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I just… I miss you.”
That’s the kind of longing that’s not toxic.
It’s the kind of longing that hurts precisely because it was true.
And what hit me the hardest wasn’t Ash’s message.
But Cassian’s last message, sent a few minutes ago, I think as I moved forward toward the others:
-Cassian: “If something was good for us, then leave it there. Clean.”
No, please.
Not despair.
Just… half-hearted acceptance, the hardest of all.
I hang up the phone. I put it back down.
Cassian approaches.
He sits down.
He breathes.
I don't say anything.
I just look at him.
And I hear him, even if he doesn't make a sound:
"I don't feel what I used to feel anymore.
"
"And I don't know how to make myself come back to myself. "
"And I'm scared."
I lean in slightly, just enough for him to hear:
"You don't have to be okay now." I say slowly, simply, without pressure, "But don't tear yourself away from the things that really mattered."
He looks up at me. No anger.
Just fatigue.
"I don't know if I know how to feel anything anymore..." he says very quietly.
And here I'm not in a hurry. I'm not saving him. I'm not fixing him.
I just am.
"Then we feel together."
That's it.
Nothing more, nothing less.
---