~Chapter 19~
Niko pov:
(night, after the message sent,)
I thought I was sleeping, but I wasn't.
I knew that too.
My body was tired, my mind wasn't.
I was turning from side to side in my bed, in the next room...Cassian's breathing could be heard through the wall, jerky with thoughts, not sleep.
And Sergio's silence, heavy as lead, somewhere in the hallway.
The light from the phone stayed in my retinas long after I left it on the nightstand.
It's stupid, how much a screen on can hurt.
I lay back in bed, my hands above my head.
The room was cold.
Not the kind of cold in the air conditioner.
Another kind.
The cold that comes when something that was warm is no longer there.
I don't know what made me write to him.
No.
I know.
I miss him.
And that's the problem.
Because this longing is not beautiful, it is not poetic, it is not romantic.
It is the kind of longing that pulls you in the chest like when you have run too fast and you don't have time to breathe.
I put my arm over my eyes. I can still hear him laughing. I know his gestures. The way he clenches his jaw when he lies that he is okay.
The way he holds his breath for exactly one second before telling the truth.
And I thought: When did it happen that I no longer know how to touch him without hurting him?
The answer is simple: When I tried to hold him, but I didn’t hold him with my hands.
I held him with my fear.
And my fear… has fangs. Literally and figuratively
I sit up. I run my hand through my hair. In the mirror next to my hotel bed, my face looks tired. Not tired, like “I didn’t sleep.”
Tired, like “I felt too much and I don’t know what to do with it all.”
I opened my phone again. His message was there, exactly as I expected:
“so banal, stop”
He didn't ask me to come back. He didn't reject me. He didn't curse at me. He didn't accuse me.
He just told his truth.
And his truth is what hurts the most.
Because I want him to be clean too.
But with me, nothing stays clean for long.
I get up and go to the sink.
I turn on the water.
I put my hands under the tap.
The water runs.
Cold.
I look at them.
My hands are the hands that touched him as if he were something I can't lose.
And I lost him too.
I look up at the mirror.
“What are you doing, Voss?”
Baro says, and if he doesn't say it, I'll do it.
As if saying it out loud would break something.
I don’t have an answer.
I don’t think I want one.
All I know is:
I wasn’t ready to love him then.
And I’m not sure I’m ready to let him go now.
I put the phone down on the bed.
I breathe.
I write.
I erase.
I write again. “I’m not calling you back.
Just know that you’re never really gone.”
I'm not sending.
I'm leaving it in drafts.
Because sometimes the greatest proof of love
is not touching what hurts.
I sit back in bed.
I close my eyes.
And for the first time in a long time,
I'm afraid I'm too late.
---
I heard the door open and close and the next second I was getting the attention I wanted.
"What are you doing, honey?" Ash says as he comes with his nose in the crack I have between the pillow and my neck.
I feel him nibbling on me so I laugh softly.
"Okay, I'm getting ready and going back to sleep.
You? Why aren't you sleeping?" I say and put my hand in his hair
"Work" he says tiredly and gets up.
He undresses and gets back into bed closer to me this time, and puts a hand on my ass.
"It's late Ash" I say this and he mumbles something while moving his hand higher.
I look at him and say "good night" in his ear.
And with that I fell asleep. With one of my partners close.
---
I woke up before him.
The light that came through the curtains was soft, pale, still tired.
The air smelled of yesterday’s leftover coffee and warm skin.
Ash slept on my side, his arm around my waist, as if all his sleep was held to me.
There had been nothing “big” last night.
No fire, no promises, no tears.
Just… his breathing. And the silence.
I slowly run my fingers through his hair and tug it behind his ear a little.
I know the shape of his neck better than I would like.
"You're awake," he says, his voice low, still caught in sleep.
"Yeah," I whisper. "Since when?" I ask as I stroke his back
"Before you touched my hair" He smiles, his eyes still closed.
I feel his smile in my chest, not in my ears.
He moves a little closer, presses his forehead to mine.
He doesn't kiss, he doesn't demand.
He just sits.
"I was thinking," he says softly, "that maybe I'm not allowed to hold you like this anymore," he says and runs his hand over my body with a smile on his face.
I place my hand on the back of his neck, so simple, so natural, so effortless.
"My ass hurts, no way man"
It's a choice.
Mine.
Yours.
His eyes open.
And they are the exact same pair of eyes that made me speechless the first time we met.
Sad, and beautiful, and alive.
"Niko.
.." he says and looks at me
"Don't say anything," I say.
I don't want to break this silence.
It's the first morning where it doesn't hurt to know that our partner is far away.
He puts his hand under my chin and lifts me up slightly, just enough to touch my lower lip with his.
Not a deep kiss.
No need.
A whisper on my lips.
An "I know you.
"
And I kiss him back.
Slowly.
No rush.
Without hiding.
This is what morning love looks like.
Not fire.
Not a storm.
Just two hearts that, for a few minutes, stop running.
When we pull away, he's still holding me close, forehead to forehead.
"What if today is different?" he asks.
I stroke his cheek with my thumb.
"Then today we start with 'here'. We'll see the rest on the way, baby."
---
Person III:
It was quiet. The kind of quiet where you realize that belonging isn't said, it's felt.
Ash moves his hand slowly, unhurriedly, and clasps Niko's fingers.
As if he's checking him out, to see if he's there.
If he's still real.
"Stop thinking so hard," Ash whispers, in that sleepy voice that's almost a mumble.
Niko blinks. "You have no way of knowing what I'm thinking.
"
"Yes."
Ash presses his forehead to his.
"I'll find you every time you get lost."
And it wasn't a statement.
It wasn't drama.
It was a promise.
Niko smiles weakly, almost ashamed.
"You're too much in the morning.
"
"You are too much."
And Ash kisses the corner of his mouth, not hard, not passionately.
Softly.
Like "stay."
Niko puts a hand on her jaw.
A simple movement. But it was all in it:
"I'm here.
"
And they sit like that, without rushing.
No unnecessary words.
Just breathing into each other.
---
Niko pov:
He looks at me and leans over. He gives me a third kiss, this time more dominated and hungrily. I'm in that kiss when he grabs my tongue and wants dominance so I give it to him.
"I'm done now" he says after breaking the kiss and both of us gasping for air.
He gets off after me and says
"Ugh...
I have work in the morning too" he says and I get up and go to him.
"What work exactly?" I say and run my hand over his stomach while I wait for an answer.
"Well, first with the mafia and other documents, and then with the pack, honey", he says and kisses my forehead.
He goes to the bathroom and I follow him
"Is there something urgent with the pack?
" I ask and get the toothpaste and toothbrush.
He looks at me and smiles a little crookedly
"Not really, just some little problems here and there.
And I have to talk to Elara today" he looks at his watch and continues "in about 30 minutes"
I look at him while brushing my teeth and the woman's name just came to mind.
I'm drowning in foam and the second chase Ash comes closer
"What are you doing, baby" he says and wipes my mouth
"Wait a minute" I say and continue when I look so I don't have anything left in my mouth "did I hear you right, with Elara?
" I ask and he comes and takes me in his arms, nods and even says it out loud "with Elara Noir?
With the woman who is Cassian's 'mother' and the woman who lives two lives at once!
?" I say so and Ash laughs out loud.
"Yes, Niko. With her, with Cassian's so-called mother" he says and I break away from him and go to the room.
He comes after me into the room and says
"Aren't we taking a bath together?
" He asks and I nod no and he goes into the bathroom and closes the door.
---
I stay in the room, towel in hand, but I don’t really do anything.
I just sit.
I breathe.
And suddenly all the air in the room feels too thick.
Too close.
Too… real.
I lie on the edge of the bed and rest my elbows on my knees.
I run my hands over my face.
This is the side no one sees.
Not Cassian.
Not Sergio.
Me and Ash, both
With the truth
They don't know their blood was changed.
They don't know their instincts were cut.
They don't know that what they were meant to be.
.. never grew back.
And us?
We sit next to them, eat with them, sleep with them, laugh with them but all in the shadows
Like we didn't steal their future but it wasn't our fault.
The water stops in the bathroom.
Ash's footsteps are heard.
He approaches.
I stand up.
His face is the same calm expression I've learned to wear like a coat.
Beautiful.
Fake.
And when he comes out and smiles at me, I do exactly what I know best:
I smile back.
And I don't tell the truth.
Yet.