~Chapter 44~
When I finally get to Theo's house, there's a knock on the door, and Sophie answers, talking on the phone, leaves the door open, I go in, and she goes to her room, I close the door and look for Theo.
I go to his kitchen and leave what I brought there, not much, just a bouquet of flowers for his mother because it was Mother's Day and some chips for us.
"Cassian, my boy" says Mrs. Maria when she sees me and I take her in my arms. A second mother to me.
"What are you doing? How are you? Where is Dad?
" I ask too quickly and she laughs
"How are you, how could you not?
Victor went to work a while ago, he should be back by dinner.
Are you hungry?" She asks and I nod
"I barely ate, but thank you.
Where is Theo?" I say
"In his room" she says and I was about to forget the flowers so I take them from the counter and give them to him "I really shouldn't have, thank you, mom's boy"
I smile and go with the bags to Theo's room.
Knock and I enter, he was on the bed and looking at something that didn't seem interesting to me but to him it did.
"Hey" I say and leave the bags on the nightstand, but then I throw myself on the bed hitting myself on purpose
"Owww!
Dude, My balls are now blue. " He starts loudly but ends in a quieter voice
"I thought blue balls were when you didn't have sex" I contradict him and lay me down on the bed but he attacks me with the pillow.
"Damn!" He says and I laugh out loud
---
It's been an hour since I've been at his place and.
.. I don't feel any of the stress or the hustle and bustle outside.
His laughter, our silly jokes, even the playfully thrown pillows, everything is now just comfort and peace.
I feel happy, at peace, as if everything that mattered before has melted away.
Theo looks at me, smiling, and I smile back effortlessly.
We don't have to say anything, we don't have to do anything, his presence is enough.
The air in the room is warm and safe, and the air outside is damn rotten.
"I'm hungry. Are you?" He says after he's finished my bag of chips
"You can see you're hungry" I say softly and punch me in the elbow "Oww"
"Are you hungry?
" He asks again and I laugh, I shake my head no.
I get up and put my tank top back on because his room is so hot you'd think you were in Tenerife at 34 degrees Celsius
"Do I have to go?
What time is it?" I ask.
"It's 7:23 PM Now.
Why are you leaving?" Theo says as he sits down in his 'king' chair.
"It's late, and I have a feeling that if I don't leave now I'm going to miss something but I don't know what" I say
"Okay.
I'll walk you to my wonderful door" he says and we both laugh like crazy
On the way to the door he says to me.
"Did you hear that Emy is with someone now Aria?
"
"I talked to her this morning. Turns out the finger work really helps" I say and he smiles
"Bye Cass" he says and I wave and shout goodbye to Maria
---
"I'm home, Sergio," I shout when I realize I'm alone in the house this time.
I go upstairs to my room, and I go through Sergio's room, and I'm actually alone in the house, and then I remember that he's with Colby..
I go into my room to throw myself on the bed and sit idle for a few more minutes until my phone rings again and again.
I look at him and see that it's just Ash.
I'm not going to answer.
Not because I'm jealous.
Not because it's their fault.
But also because of the vulnerability I gave them the chance to see last night
I put it on mute and try to fall asleep but I can't.
I get up and go to the gym maybe this will help me get rid of the energy so I can sleep faster.
I lie down on the treadmill, feeling how each step releases me from the nervous energy left outside.
The warm air in the room and the steady rhythm of my steps help me calm down.
Thoughts about the club, about Emy, about all the tensions…
gradually melt away. All that remains is a strange feeling of relief and peace.
I know that the day is not over, that there will be more texts, phone calls and situations to manage.
But I feel like I don’t have to do anything other than be present.
I stop my treadmill, take a deep breath and look out the gym window.
Night is almost falling and has fallen over the city, but there is light inside me.
Today I managed not to run, not to control everything, to simply be…
Cassian.
And, that is more than enough for that.
I reach for the weights and lift.
And lift.
And lift.
My thoughts jump from side to side.
Theo… his laugh, the way he relaxes, how everything seems so simple when he’s with him.
Sergio… his little gestures, how he knows how to calm me down without saying anything.
Emy… her happiness, how much she shines for someone, and yet she doesn’t weigh me down.
She’s all… safe. Finally, I feel like I can breathe.
I realize I’m happy. Not that sudden, explosive happiness that makes you forget everything for a second.
But a quiet, stable happiness that doesn’t ask for anything in return.
As if all the complicated things have fallen into place and left a space where I can just be me.
I take a short break and pick up my phone to check my messages, but I put it back down.
It doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing that could come can disturb me now.
I rub my hands over my face and smile, for no reason, just because it's warm, just because everything is right for a few moments.
I get up and put the towel around my neck, grab my phone and water bottle and go take a bath.
I let the towel around my neck fall to the floor and enter the bathroom.
The warm steam rises instantly and I feel my muscles relax from the effort in the gym.
The hot water flows over me and seems to wash away not only the sweat, but also all the tensions of the day.
I look at my reflection in the mirror.
My eyes still shine, but not from fatigue, but from peace.
It's a peace that comes rarely, and that I've almost forgotten how to receive without filling it with unnecessary thoughts.
I'm alone in the room. Alone with the water flowing, with the steam sticking to my skin and with my thoughts that no longer jump chaotically from side to side.
Theo, Sergio, Emy... each of them has left a mark on me today, but there's no pressure, there's nothing to pull me back into chaos. It's just a warm and calm feeling, like quiet music filling the air.
I lift my head and take a deep breath. I feel my shoulders loosen from all worries, every muscle telling me, “It’s okay, you’re here, you’re safe.” I let myself sit under the water for a few minutes, thinking that this happiness…
small, silent, but real, is exactly what I need.
When the water stops, I slowly dry myself with the towel and look in the mirror once more.
A smile creeps onto my lips without trying.
But getting out of the bathroom makes the smile disappear
"I thought you were staying" Ash says angrily. "I thought you weren't running anymore."
My smile fades completely.
Buried.
I stand in the doorway, towel still around my shoulders, water dripping from my hair onto the floor.
Ash is leaning against the wall, arms crossed, jaw clenched.
Niko is a little further back, sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows on my knees, staring at the floor.
“I didn’t run,” I say calmly, though my stomach is clenching.
“I’m gone.”
Ash laughs briefly, humorless.
“You’re just saying that to make yourself feel better.
”
“Ash,” Niko interjects, looking up.
His tone is tired, not sharp. “Don’t start.
”
“No, let me,” Ash snaps, turning to him.
“Let me say what I have to say, just once.”
He turns back to me, his eyes burning.
“You left just as I let my guard down. Right then.”
I take a deep breath.
“I didn’t promise you anything.”
“No, but you made us believe,” he says, his voice shaking now, anger cracking at the edges.
“And then you disappeared. Like we… like we didn’t mean anything.
”
“That’s not fair,” Niko says, standing up.
He’s not aggressive, but he’s clearly angry.
“You can’t blame him, Ash, you know…”
Ash runs his hands through his hair, agitated.
“I’m not blaming him. I’m just… what hurts.
”
I take a step closer, but stop.
“I left because if I stayed, I would have said things I wasn’t ready to bear,” I say quietly.
“Not because I didn’t care.”
Niko sighs.
“See? That’s the thing, Ash. It’s not all black and white.
”
Ash stares at me.
“So what is it, Cassian? Because it seemed to me like you came in, took what you needed… and left.”
His words hit harder than he meant them to.
“Maybe I needed to leave too,” I say, my voice lower.
“Not everything that’s real is easy to bear.
”
There’s a heavy silence.
Niko rubs the back of his neck, irritated.
“We’re all tired,” he says. “And angry. But we don’t gain anything by tearing each other apart.
”
Ash clenches his fists, then lets them fall to his sides, his head resting on Niko’s shoulder.
“I don’t know how to be vulnerable without getting angry,” he says, almost in a whisper.
I look at him, and I understand that his anger isn’t about me.
It’s about fear.
“I don’t know how to stay either,” I reply quietly.
“That’s why I left.”
No one says anything anymore.
Just our breathing, mingled, tense, real.
And I know that this moment hasn’t ended anything.
It’s just opened something that can’t be ignored anymore.
A tear falls from my eye involuntarily, but I make no effort to wipe it away.
Ash sees it and pauses for a moment, as if he didn't expect this to touch me.
His anger suddenly changes, without disappearing, except now it has a strange tinge of concern.
"Cassian..." he begins, his voice trembling, "I shouldn't have…to…”
But the words are lost. He can't say exactly what he feels, and that makes him even more nervous.
Niko sighs and stands up. "Ash, leave him alone.
It's not his fault that you…" he stops his sentence, knowing it would be in vain.
"I don't know how to be any different!
" Ash bursts out and slaps the wall lightly with his palm.
"I don't know how to be calm, to be… to let things pass! "
I'm leaving.
I'm coming back.
I don't need this after I thought I got away.
I go into the dressing room and dry myself off, put on some clothes and stay there for a second longer because maybe that will help him calm down
"It's not your fault, Cassian" Brex says
"And neither is theirs" I say softly
"Don't judge now, overlook.
You need them so much right now..." He says and I go to the corner window "we were all going through hard times, even me, who's just a wolf stuck in your mind, but we don't have to give in"
I turn around and ignore what Brex says, I don't need him.
I need them, but I don't know how to ask.
I come out and see that Niko is on the bed with his elbows on his legs and his hands on his face and Ash is no longer in the room, or is he in the bathroom.
"Better?" I say softly and Niko quickly raises his head
"Yes. You, angel?" He says and stands up.
He comes over to me and takes me in his arms, puts his head on my shoulder and pulls me closer "hmm?"
"I don't know what to say" I say, my voice trembling slightly, caught between need and fear.
Niko gently tightens his arms around me. "You don't have to say anything. Just be here."
As I stand like this, I feel the door slowly open. Ash stands in the doorway, his eyes red, his eyebrows furrowed.
“You’re still here,” he says, his voice filled with anger and frustration, but with a tremor that betrays pain.
I look at him, trying to understand everything he’s trying to say without saying anything.
“I stayed… but I didn’t know how to come to you,” I say quietly, “and it’s my home too, if we remember.”
Ash takes a deep breath and moves closer, but doesn’t touch me. “I’m sick of it all, Cass… feeling like everything is in your hands and I can’t control anything. Having to wait for the right moment to know everything, to find out everything about us.”
Niko sighs and runs a hand through Ash’s hair, trying to calm him down a bit. “It’s not all about control, Ash. It doesn’t have to be.”
Ash clenches his fists, then lowers them.
He looks at me, tears glistening in the corners of his eyes.
"I don't know how to be vulnerable without getting angry, you know.
... and today, when you left... it hurt. "
A tear falls from my eye and I, unwillingly, let it fall.
“Me too,” I reply simply. “And it’s no one’s fault…
maybe just my stupid brain.”
Ash slowly moves closer, until we’re close to each other, but we haven’t touched yet.
“So… what do we do about this?” he asks, his voice almost a whisper, but still filled with anger and uncertainty.
“We don’t have to do anything right now,” I say, quietly.
“Just… be here. Together.”
Niko moves next to us and pulls us both into a kind of impromptu hug.
I feel him rest his head on my shoulder and Ash rests his forehead on my arm.
Three breaths, jumbled, tense, real.
“Maybe this is all we can do right now,” Niko says, his voice calm but firm.
“Let’s just feel. And be here, without judging each other. ”
---
After we calmed down a bit, we went to bed and from there we fell asleep.
Or rather.
He fell asleep
Not me.
Their breaths deepen one by one.
Nikolai is the first to fall asleep, as he always does.
His body relaxes almost imperceptibly, the hand that touches my forearm remains there, but without tension, as if he has decided that he no longer needs to look.
Ash holds on a little longer. I feel him move, changing position a few times, until his forehead rests more firmly on my shoulder.
Only then does his breathing stop from its alert rhythm and he falls into a restless but real sleep.
I stay awake.
I stare at the ceiling, at the shadows moving slowly from the lantern, and try to figure out what is keeping me here, my eyes open.
It is not fear. It is not even guilt. It is something more subtle, like a fear that if I close my eyes, I will miss this very moment.
The only one in which I do not have to choose anything.
Ash mumbles something in his sleep, a meaningless syllable, and I hold my breath for a second, as if I’m afraid I’ll wake him.
Niko moves a little closer, instinctively, as if he knows I’m still awake.
I feel his warmth, and he anchors me more than I’d like to admit.
I think about how tired I am of always being the first to leave.
Of knowing when to leave the room, when to let the silence fall, when to protect themselves.
Today I didn’t run. Today I stayed. Even though I didn’t know how.
I run my fingers lightly over the crumpled sheet.
I’m not touching anyone, but I feel everything.
Their presence is heavy, real, warm. They don’t demand anything.
They don’t ask me anything. They just are.
“What if everyone disappeared,
And it was only Niko, Ash and me,
And I’d tell you I could give you a child or maybe two, If it were possible.
.
We’d go to your place, not the one you’re in today, But back to your childhood, where you used to play.
Sitting in your garden, the one you call home,
With no one to hurry us,
Nowhere else to go"
They don't say anything.
I let my forehead lightly touch his shoulder, just for a second.
I take a deep breath, then pull back with a small, tired smile..
?Then maybe I’d finally stop running.
Not because there’s nowhere to go,
but because I’d have a place worth staying in. ”
I close my eyes for a few seconds, then open them again.
Sleep doesn’t come, but neither does its absence weigh me down.
I’m right in between, neither alone nor trapped.
Just present.
Their breaths become a kind of slow metronome.
I follow them without wanting to. Inhale.
Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
I stay awake a little longer.
Not because I can’t sleep. But because I want to remember what it feels like.
And maybe, when sleep comes, it will come without a fight.