~Chapter 46~
After the boys left our house, I picked Sergio up from downstairs and went to my room.
"What do you want, dude? Aren't you tired of being humiliated?
" He says but I roll my eyes.
"Leave that" I say and gesture for him to sit down, on the bed next to the desk.
He looks at me questioningly and I say "when I went downstairs to get some ointment because I hit my nose a little hard, I found Niko with Ash and Colby"
"And?
" He says quickly and you can see on his face that he wants to get out of here as soon as possible.
"They were speaking Russian" I say quickly and scratch the back of my head
"They can do whatever they want, Cassian.
That's why you said we should learn Russian?
" He snaps and gets up quickly
"Wait!
" I say and I get up to put him back on the bed.
This time he glares at me.
"This morning I heard Nikolai and Ash talking about my wolf.
They know"
"Wait.
Wait. Slow down. WHAT?"
"I don't know how they know.
I mean, I wouldn't tell them. And Brex kept giving me the impression that they weren't the only ones who knew this," I say softly, not realizing my low tone.
He stands up quickly and looks nervous, but with that thoughtful look on his face.
"What should we do?" he says, mostly to himself.
There’s a heavy silence between us.
“We should tell Theo,” I finally say, more as a bluff than a well-thought-out plan.
“If anyone can keep things under control, it’s him.
”
Sergio snaps, without a trace of amusement.
“No. That’s the worst idea you’ve had today.
”
He paces the room, running a hand through his hair.
“Theo doesn’t know when to stop. He’ll ask questions, he’ll look for answers, and before we know it, five other people will know.
”
“But what if they already know?” I argue.
“Niko, Ash… maybe others. If Theo finds out later, it’ll be even worse.
”
Sergio stops and stares at me. “The difference is that now we have control. Just how much. If you tell Theo, we lose everything.”
He takes a deep breath.
“It’s better to find out how much they know, not who else needs to know.
”
I sit on the edge of the desk, rubbing my hands together.
“So what do you suggest? Let’s pretend nothing’s happening?
”
“I suggest you follow Niko and I follow Colby if he can help you with anything,” he says calmly, too calmly.
“No confrontations. No panic. See if he’s still talking, to whom, about what.
”
“And Ash?”
“Ash is the key,” he answers immediately.
“If Ash knows, then it’s not just a suspicion.
It’s something more.”
I swallow hard.
“And my wolf?”
Sergio steps closer and puts a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently.
“Your wolf is a secret. No matter what we do, that’s non-negotiable.
”
I look up at him. “
You promise?”
“I promise,” he says without hesitation.
“But Cassian… if things get out of hand, then we tell Theo. Not before.”
He stands up higher, runs a hand over his face and pouts.
"By the way" he says and I look back in his direction "you learned French and German in a week.
You could do the same with Russian, if you want to know exactly what he's saying" he says quickly and I glare at him after realizing
"Yeah, but I learned German because I was in the army, you idiot!
And French because we do it in high school!
" I say and he laughs after it without any logic.
"Whatever you say. You'd better learn it now, and I'm telling you myself that if you really want to do something, in 3 days you'll already know it, like a Russian who spent 20 years in his country, but you're Italian" he says and then leaves the room.
The door slowly closes behind him, but his laughter still stays in my head, like a challenge.
I stand for a few seconds, staring at where Sergio stood. In three days, he said. As if it were something trivial. I clench my jaw.
I sit on the bed and prop my elbows on my knees, palms to my face.
If Niko is lying.
If Ash is acting.
If everyone knows more than they’re letting on.
Then it’s not about guessing. It’s about survival.
I take my phone out of my pocket and stare at it for a moment, uncertain.
I can leave it like that. I can pretend it doesn’t matter.
But the thought of talking about myself in a language I don’t understand gnaws at me harder than any humiliation I’ve ever felt before.
I open the notes app. I type a single word: Russian.
“Fuck…” I mutter to myself.
I remember their faces.
The pauses between words. The way Ash avoids looking at me.
Niko’s accent, too sure, too clean. If he's lying to me, he's lying well. Too well.
I get up abruptly and turn on my laptop.
The keyboard makes a dry, nervous noise.
Tutorials, Cyrillic, pronunciation. The letters seem foreign, hard, but not impossible.
I’ve beaten others before.
“Not like a Russian,” I whisper, remembering Sergio.
“But like someone who can’t be caught. ”
I run my hand over my still sensitive nose and take a deep breath.
If I want the truth, I have to tear it out myself.
And this time, no one will talk over my head.
---
(A big leap in time)
The hardest 3 days of my life.
The first day hit me like a wall.
The Cyrillic alphabet burned my eyes.
The letters blended together, some resembling what I knew, but sounded completely different.
B, which wasn’t B. H, which wasn’t H. P, which wasn’t P.
“Who decided this was a good idea?” I muttered, slamming the back of my chair at three in the morning.
I wrote the letters dozens of times on a sheet of paper, like a child learning to write again.
Pronunciation, pause, repeat. Audio, back, audio again.
Every time I thought I had the sound down, a new word would prove to me that I knew nothing.
I didn’t sleep for more than two hours.
The next day was worse.
Words began to connect.
Not clearly, not completely, but enough to be dangerous.
I began to recognize patterns. Tones. The way a sentence breaks off at the end.
I don’t know what I’m saying exactly…
but I know when I’m lying.
I walked around the house with my headphones in, listening to conversations in Russian at a slow speed.
Ten times. Twenty. Until my brain stopped translating and started to…
feel the language.
My head ached. My nose was still throbbing. But I didn’t stop.
The third day changed me.
I started thinking fragments in Russian without meaning to.
Simple words. Verbs. Intentions. I dreamed in foreign sounds and woke up with them on my lips.
When I listened back to a conversation I didn’t understand at all three days before, my stomach clenched.
Because now I understood enough.
Not everything.
But enough to know when someone was talking about me.
Enough to catch names. Pauses. Subtexts.
I closed my laptop slowly and stood still, my elbows on my knees.
Sergio had been right.
I wasn't becoming Russian.
But I was becoming dangerous.
If they were lying to me… I would know.
I walk out of my room like a king after 3 days of just going down to get food and that's it, and I go to my handsome brother's room.
"Sergio!" I shout.
"Huh?" He says and I see he's playing on the computer when I enter his room.
"Тебе когда-нибудь говорили, что ты глупый?
" I proudly say
(Have you ever been told you're stupid?)
"Huh?
" He says quickly and turns even faster "I told you you'd learn in 3 days if you really wanted to" he says and smiles ear to ear, as if he's taking credit for it.
"Sure" I say softly and glance around the room.
"What did you say?" He asks as he introduces himself to his game.
"Nothing serious" I say and I start laughing softly and then he looks at me from the side
"It's just..
. Have you ever been told you're stupid?
" I finish laughing hysterically.
"GET.
OUT. YOU. PUSSY" he yells and I run out of the room just to avoid getting a phone call in my head
I'm going downstairs to make myself some food, because I think I've been fasting these days, minus 10 kilos on the scale and no progress on the squares.
My phone vibrates and I look at it.
Emy: I don't want to go to high school!
It's literally Sunday tomorrow.
Cassian: Tomorrow is Sunday?
When it's gone so fast...
Emy: YES. I can't wait for 2 more months and that's it, I really can't take it anymore.
I want to leave here, move to Florida for college.
I look at her message once. Twice. Even a third time.
I can't believe it
Cassian: Why didn't I know that?
I write and wait for the message, but it doesn't come as quickly as the others.
Emy: Well look... Theo doesn't know either.
I mean, we don't think I want to go to college but my dad is forcing me :(
Cassian: You liar!
I write and then hang up.
I put 3 eggs in a pot of water to boil, and while I wait I add some tomatoes and cucumbers, and next to them I put some protein schnitzels that Sergio bought yesterday.
When after 20 minutes I finally sit down to eat, I get a message, or several, Niko.
Niko: "are you mad at us?"
Niko: "angel?
"
Niko: "why aren't you answering?"
I raise an eyebrow.
The virtual keyboard appears. I type... delete.
I type again.
Cassian: "Why would I be mad?
"
I immediately see what it says. Three dots.
They stop. They reappear.
Niko: "you've been missing for three days"
Niko: "you've been avoiding us"
Niko: "at least tell me if I did something"
I'm smiling wider now.
Let's play.
Cassian: "I've been busy"
Cassian: "and tired"
Pause.
Longer.
Niko: "with what?"
I lean back in my chair and look at the empty kitchen.
Every detail is too clear. Too calm. As if I've been waiting for this moment.
Cassian: "studying"
The answer comes more slowly.
Niko: "what exactly?"
Cassian: "you know.
Math, chemistry, and physics. So damn hard for the session after the holidays"
I write and put the phone down.
I eat too in the end, but it's not many mouths that I get a few messages again.
Niko: "why do I have the impression that you're lying to me?
"
Cassian: "maybe it's just the distance that makes you believe that"
I write and eat the schnitzel while waiting for another message to which I can respond just as falsely.
Niko: "what are you doing now?"
Cassian: "I'm filling my stomach with something.
You?" I say thinking I'm getting away from him a little, but after that 'you' he comes out without me wanting to.
Niko: "I'm in Paris, I'm coming today.
And Ash is at home with work"
Cassian: "aha"
I type and then I get up to put the dishes in the dishwasher.
I wash my hands and then I take my phone and throw myself on the couch.
Niko: "I want to fuck you so hard"
I stay with my eyes locked on the message.
Niko: "to get my balls in your big hole, to get rid of the blue ones I have now"
Cassian: "you have Ash too, you know?"
Niko: "Ash is tight. He's more of a top, and so am I, baby"
I stare at the screen for a few seconds too long.
Not because I'm surprised by the tone.
But because it comes too quickly. Too direct. Like a distraction.
I feel my jaw tighten. I run my tongue over my lips and set the phone on my chest, staring at the ceiling.
Classic.
When he’s no longer in control of the conversation, he changes direction.
I pick up the phone again, calm.
Cassian: “Niko.”
Three dots appear instantly.
Niko: “mm?”
I smile humorlessly.
Cassian: “not now.”
Pause.
Longer than before.
Niko: “you’re cold. ”
Cassian: “I’m paying attention.”
I turn my head to the side, listening to the house.
Quiet. Just the dishwasher, a constant, almost comforting noise.
The phone vibrates again.
Niko: “Don’t you like it when I’m direct, honey?
”
I bite the inside of my cheek. That’s not the problem, and you know it.
Cassian: “I like it when you’re honest.”
This time, the answer doesn’t come immediately.
When it does, it’s different.
Niko: “Then we’ll talk when I get there. ”
I end the conversation without answering.
I leave the phone on the table and get up from the couch.
My heart beats steadily, controlled. Not from desire.
From anticipation.
If he comes…
I’ll be ready.
If he’s lying…
I’ll hear him.
---
It's been a while, like an hour or two, but I'm so bored.
"Tell me something?" Brex's voice comes to mind
"I don't think I can, Brex" I sigh deeply and lie down on my stomach on my bed
"Do you think Ash and Niko are lying to you about something?
" He says, and I sit there analyzing for a bit.
Or a bit longer. "Hmm?"
"I have an idea" I say quietly.
I scream. Out of frustration, no other.
"I want Niko and Ash to breathe me in.
To let me be their air.
" I say vulnerable
"You really love them" Brex says and I nod even though I don't think he sees me.
"I have that feeling of....'I love you but you have too many red flags', you understand?
"
"Yeah. It was the same for me with Sasha" he sighs dramatically
"Wait!
Do you have a girlfriend?
" I say even more dramatically that he
"I had one.
A long time ago" he says and there is a trace of sadness in his voice
"It's not impossible to have another girlfriend or boyfriend when I'm basically.
...Ash, Nikolai" I ask because this question persists in my big head
"There are two different worlds.
Here is the city, people and Italy.
I was a forest, werewolves, vampires and algae, but in old Italy"
I knew I shouldn't miss the lesson with old Italy.
"Nobody says that in the books, Vex.
You only know this if you know it, otherwise you don't"
I turn on my back, arms spread, staring at the ceiling as if he could answer me instead of Brex.
My heart beats in a strange rhythm, neither panic nor calm.
Just… alert.
“Then why do I feel like I’m caught between them?
” I murmur. “Between the city and the forest. Between what I am and what they think I am.”
??“Because you’re a crossroads,” Brex says calmly.
Too calm. “And crossroads are always dangerous.”
I purse my lips.
“It sounds like a warning.”
“It is.”
I sit up, running a hand through my hair.
“If Ash and Niko know… not everything. But enough. What do I do?”
“It depends on what you want to save,” he replies.
“The truth or the relationship?”
I’m silent.
For the first time in this day, I’m actually silent.
The phone vibrates on the nightstand, as if it sensed the moment.
A new message.
Ash.
Ash: “Niko’s coming in late.
He’s tired. Are you okay?”
I read it twice.
Ash never asks for nothing.
Cassian: “I’m okay.
”
Cassian: “You?”
Three dots. They stop.
They reappear.
Ash: “tired”
Ash: "we'll be at your place in a few hours"
I feel my stomach clench.
Exactly what I was saying. When one shoots, the other tests the terrain.
"See?" Brex murmurs.
"You're already breathing.
"
I swipe my finger across the screen, hesitating for a split second.
Cassian: "okay."
Cassian: "But I want honesty.
"
The answer comes almost instantly.
Ash: "I've never lied to you, chocolate"
Ash: "get ready"
I swallow hard.
I close my phone and leave it face down.
I get up after what seems like an eternity and go to the window.
It’s dark outside, the city breathes slowly, oblivious to the storm in my head, it’s evening…
again
“Brex,” I say quietly, “if things get crazy…”
“You won’t be alone,” he interrupts me.
“But you’ll have to choose who you let really see you.
”
I smile briefly, joylessly.
“That’s the problem. If they see me… I can’t turn back.
”
“Exactly.”
A low noise. The front door. Footsteps. Low voices.
Niko's accent, clear, sure.
I tense my shoulders.
"They've come," I whisper.
"Then the game begins.
"
I turn away from the window but look back at the city, with a calm that's not entirely mine.
The wolf in me lies down, attentive, silent.
After a few moments, the door opens and Voss enters, with smiles on his face
"Baby.
I missed you so much" Niko says and takes me in his arms, kisses my neck.
And Ash gives me a kiss on the forehead.
"Hey" he says and smiles softly. But too loudly.
"Why did you come? Who opened it?" I ask quickly and try to escape Niko's arms but then I'm picked up and put on the desk.
Nikolai lifts my shirt and starts sucking my nipple and kissing my abdomen, leaving bruises on it.
"Nikolai.." I say but I'm interrupted by Ash who takes my mouth in a kiss.
He walks around my mouth, examining it for the thousandth time then pulls his tongue out of my mouth with a small spit chain.
"Let's give you love. Opened Sergio" Ash says now in my ear while smiling only on one side.
"And feed us" Niko adds and I pout a little.
"Done. It tickles me!" I say when he reached my belly button.
Ash pushes Niko aside and then helps me get off the desk, even though I didn't ask for his help because I have legs too.
He puts me down on the bed.
"Thanks" I say and glance at Niko who is now super mad at his boyfriend.
"You piece of shit" Niko says from behind and I laugh a little at that, but Ash's jaw literally drops.
"Oh, sweetie" he says and goes to Niko, takes him in his arms and kisses the top of his head and then on the mouth, applying the same method for him too but for him it's extra pinched by the Lip
I get a message on my phone so I reach out to see who it is, that it's on the other side of the nightstand but I'm taken by my feet.
"No" is all Ash says and I forget about the phone.
"How about some food for us?" He says slowly and climbs on top of me
"Take what you want" I say and then Ash gives me the pants that I have on "after all, that's why you came" I say as slowly as possible and then Niko gets on the bed and glares at me. "What?"
Ash stops abruptly. Not violently. Not nervously.
He just… stops.
He looks up at me, and his hands, which a second before had been sure, remain still.
Niko, who had already sat down on the bed, senses the change immediately.
“No,” Ash says quietly.
His tone cuts through the air in the room.
Niko frowns. “Ash?”
Ash gets off me and takes a step back, then another.
He looks at me as if he’s just now seeing something that’s always been there.
“That’s not why I came,” he says, clearly, slowly.
“Not for sex.”
The room suddenly becomes too small.
Niko runs his hand over his face, irritated for a split second…
then his expression changes. He looks at me.
Not hungry. Not playful. But attentive.
“Cass,” he says, his voice lower than usual.
“If that’s all we wanted, we wouldn’t stop.
”
I’m silent. I can feel my heart pounding in my ears.
Ash comes closer, but doesn’t touch me.
He sits on the edge of the bed, at my level.
“I came because you disappeared,” he says.
“Because you became silent. Because you looked at us differently.”
Niko shakes his head.
“Because when you started acting cold, it wasn’t sexy.
It was… alarming.”
I swallow hard.
“You guys are talking about me behind my back,” I say quietly.
Niko exhales slowly. “We’re talking about you because we care.
Not because we’re using you.
”
Ash looks me straight in the eye.
"You are not something we share. You are not entertainment. And you are not our air just because we like to breathe it."
He steps a little closer.
“You’re our air because without you… something doesn’t work.”
Quiet.
Brex doesn’t say anything. Neither does the wolf.
“If you want us to leave,” Niko adds quietly, “we’ll leave.
But don’t think for a second that we came here to get you.
”
Ash raises his hand, hesitates for a moment, then puts it down on the bed, next to me.
Not me. Next to me.
“We came to see you,” he says. “Really.”
I get up and accidentally let out a tear, I put my pants back on and start to leave but Niko takes my hand.
"Where are you going, little bear?" He looks into my eyes and wipes away the tears that have flowed.
"Nonsense" is all I say and more tears come out of my pale green eyes
"And I wanted it, I wanted it so much
But you and ash have so many red flags
Now I don't know what to believe.
"
"Don't you trust me, Cass?" Ash says looking at me
"Yeah, let's be clear, I won't trust anyone
"You didn't break me.
I'm still fighting for peace.
" I say and now the tears are flowing one after the other "something I've never had, something I've fought so hard to get somewhere but then it falls apart"
My heart is still pounding, but not with fear.
It’s a kind of… anticipation, mixed with relief.
Brex is silent in the corner, but I can feel my wolf relax, almost grateful.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen,” I say quietly, “but… I’m glad you came.
”
Ash shakes my hand without saying anything, and Niko lifts my chin slightly, just enough to meet my gaze.
It’s a small gesture, but it says it all: these aren’t just words, these are people who choose to be by my side, even when everything feels complicated.
------------------------------------------------------
I'll be honest, the next chapter is going to be hard for me to write and digest, In the end, something bad is needed, But it's not the end.