Chapter 5 Cullen
CULLEN
When I finally got Callie to sleep, it was after nine.
She’d been fussy tonight. Probably teething based on the research I’d done online.
I cleaned up the mess from dinner and decided to skip sweeping the floor.
Thanks to Ozzy, there wasn’t much there.
He was like a built-in vacuum cleaner. So far he hadn’t seemed to mind trading unlimited snacks for our usual morning run.
Since Callie had moved in, I’d lost total control of my schedule.
At least I could usually fit in a workout or two while I was working a shift at the station.
I was about to kick back on the couch and catch the last quarter of the Griz game, but figured I’d check on Rose instead.
She’d surprised me when she got up from the table and walked out on dinner.
I didn’t handle emotions well, not mine or anyone else’s.
I owed it to her to make sure she was okay, though.
She was the only reason I hadn’t already given up on the idea of being a father.
“Rose?” I knocked softly on the bedroom door.
Her voice came through, small and quiet. “What?”
“Can I come in?”
She didn’t answer, but a few seconds later, the door opened. The room was dark behind her and she faced me, the top of her head not even reaching my chin. “Is it Callie?”
“No.” That would have been a logical reason to knock on her door. I stood there, my shoulder braced against the doorframe, not really sure why I’d felt the need to check on her. “I just…”
“I’m sorry for being weird at dinner.” She stepped back and sat on the bed.
“I know Callie’s not automatically going to be dealt the same raw hand that I was.
She’s got a better chance of finding a good family since she’s still a baby, but you can’t assume someone’s going to be a good parent just by looking at them on paper. ”
Fuck. I didn’t know anything about Rose beyond what Ruby had told me…
that she’d been passing through Mustang Mountain when her truck broke down.
She’d shown up on time for her shifts at the Merc and nothing popped up when Ruby did a background check.
Other than that, I didn’t know where she’d grown up, what kind of family she had, or if she was heading toward something or more interested in leaving something behind.
She was good with Callie and she’d come through for me when I needed a hand. That’s what mattered. And if she was hurting, I owed it to her to try to make it better. At least, it seemed like that’s how things should work. Hell, I didn’t know.
“Can I sit down?” I motioned to a spot by the footboard. At her nod, I sat down on the edge of the bed, being sure to give her a lot of space. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” She half laughed, half sighed. “I guess tonight it just hit me that there’s nothing permanent about this whole situation. I don’t mean me. I already told you I’m not sticking around.”
“You mean about Callie.” I’d been so busy trying to figure out how to take care of a baby, I hadn’t let myself fully digest exactly what it meant to have her show up in my life.
“Yeah.” She lifted her head and looked at me. Really, truly looked. “It’s only been a week, but you’re not doing her any favors by keeping her here if you think you’re not going to be able to hack it.”
I hung my head. She was right. “What if I don’t know yet?”
“What’s there to know?”
I dragged a hand down my face. “If I can do this. If I can be her dad without screwing her up the way my old man screwed me up. I never saw what a real family looked like. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
She went quiet, her gaze fixed on her hands clasped together in her lap. “No one ever showed me either.”
That admission hit me like a wrecking ball. I’d suspected her past wasn’t sunshine and rainbows, but hearing it out loud… it leveled me.
I shifted closer without even thinking, closing the distance I’d intentionally left between us. “Tell me about it.”
“What do you want to know?” She turned her head and met my gaze before she focused on her hands again.
“You want to hear how I was taken away from my mom because she thought it was okay to raise me in a car? Or how I spent years being bounced around from one foster home to the next? I don’t want that to happen to Callie. ”
The hurt in her voice made me feel helpless.
I wasn’t used to getting real with someone.
I handled my heartache on my own and had never been invested enough in someone else to take on their pain as well.
But tonight, it hit different. Hearing her share a little of her story made me want to know her better.
I didn’t know what the hell to do with that.
“I’m sorry that happened to you, Rose. I don’t want that to happen to Callie, either. But I also don’t want to mess her up.” And I had no idea how I was going to manage.
“You’ll figure it out.” She turned to face me. The light coming in from the hallway fell over her wet cheeks. Hell, had she been crying?
“Maybe we could figure it out together. For Callie.”
Her laugh was shaky, but there was no humor in it. “Together, huh? You don’t even know me.”
“I know enough,” I said. And I did. I’d seen the way she held Callie when she screamed herself red. The patience in her touch. The way she anchored my chaos without asking for a damn thing in return. “You’re the reason she’s okay right now. The reason I’m okay.”
She looked up then, and it was like the air between us snapped tight. I could see every fleck of gold in her brown eyes. See how badly she wanted to believe me, even if she didn’t dare.
I should’ve stood, should’ve given her the space she kept insisting she needed. Instead, I leaned in. Slowly, giving her every chance to turn away.
She didn’t.
When my mouth brushed hers, the world stilled.
My focus narrowed to the warmth of her breath, the faint taste of mint on her lips, and the quiet gasp she couldn’t hold back.
Every muscle in my body went tight, fighting the instinct to pull her closer.
My hands flexed at my sides, aching to touch her but knowing I shouldn’t.
I pulled back first, even though every cell in my body screamed not to.
“Damn. I’m sorry,” I rasped. The air between us felt charged, like the moment before a flashover—too hot, too dangerous.
I’d kissed women before, plenty of them, but never like that.
Never when it meant something I wasn’t ready to face.
She blinked up at me, dazed as her fingers grazed her bottom lip. “This isn’t part of our agreement.”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that.” My thumb brushed along her jaw. “Do you want to go?”
“No.” Her answer came quick, like she didn’t have to think about it at all.
“Do you want me to leave?”
She shook her head.
Tension hung in the air, thick and hot like a too-warm blanket I wanted to kick off so I could breathe.
My palms still burned from holding back, fingers twitching with the memory of her skin.
The ache in my chest had nothing to do with restraint and everything to do with wanting her again already.
I got up from the bed and paced the short distance from wall to wall.
“We can pretend that never happened. I’ll do whatever you want. I can’t afford to screw things up.”
“Because of Callie.” She nodded and took in a deep breath. “Don’t worry. I’ll stay until the end of the month like I said I would. Whatever that was… it doesn’t change anything.” She said it like she believed it, but her voice shook.
“Thank you.” I stopped by the doorway. The taste of her still clung to my mouth, sharp as smoke after a burn. I wasn’t dumb enough to think I could forget that kiss so easily.
Her hair fell around her shoulders as she got off the bed and walked toward the door. “It’s probably better if we don’t let that happen again, though. I’m not looking for…” she paused like she was trying to find the right words. “I’m not looking for anything.”
“Yeah, me neither.” Though a sharp tug in my gut had me second guessing myself.
I was just worried about what would happen when she left.
That was all it was. That was all I’d let it be.
Because falling for a woman who already had one foot out the door wasn’t an option.
No matter how good it had felt to kiss her or how much I liked having her sharing my space.
“Goodnight, Cullen.” She edged the door closed, her way of telling me it was time for me to go.
“Goodnight.” I took a step back. “See you in the morning.”
The latch clicked. I’d never take the risk of entering her bedroom again while she was still living under the same roof. But I’d also never wanted someone I couldn’t have so damn much. And wanting her felt a lot like standing too close to the flames—knowing I’d get burned and leaning in anyway.
With the risk of something happening between us shot down, I headed back toward the living room and sat down on the couch. My botched interaction with the nanny had made one thing painfully clear. It was time to decide how I was going to handle the Callie thing.
Fuck, I had a hard time even owning up to the truth in my own head.
Committing to parenting scared the crap out of me.
It wasn’t the kind of thing I could try out for a few weeks then drop when something else came along that looked like more fun.
It was a lifetime commitment. The only thing I’d ever committed to for more than a week or two was the fire department.
Even then, if something happened, I could walk away.
I couldn’t do that as a father. Didn’t matter that my own dad had. If I committed to raising Callie, I wouldn’t ever leave her. Rose was right that she deserved someone who’d stand by her, protect her, take care of her, and even love her. My chest snagged on that last word.
Love.
Four little letters.
Why was it such a difficult word for me to say?
Some shrink would have a field day trying to figure that out. One more week. I’d let myself sit with the decision for one more week before making the call. And in the meantime, I’d limit my interactions with Rose to the shit that dealt with Callie.
Satisfied, I flipped on the TV and tuned in to watch the last bit of the football game. A wolf howled outside, the lonely sound rising to a high pitch. I turned up the volume and ignored it.