Chapter Thirty-Seven
H ours passed and the others had still not arrived.
Most of that time I spent outside by the fire. I was shocked and embarrassed, but also furious. Bellamy had practically begged me to kiss him, and then he had the audacity to reject me while I was topless below him? My hand found my necklace, remarkably still intact, twirling it and resisting the urge to think of anything but the stupid demon.
Changing his mind was one thing, which I could respect, but this had been different. The demon wanted me to choose him. What did that even mean?
He was still plotting and playing games, not caring what it might do to my heart. And that pained me more than anything he had done to me before.
For a moment, I had thought I deserved it after pushing him away and rejecting him for so long. Yet, he had lied to me and betrayed me enough times that I was rather certain he had earned my poor attitude. So many times that a part of me despised him.
Ultimately it had been for the best. I would have regretted having sex with him later, no matter how great it felt in the moment. I was already angry that I had given him even the smallest part of myself after all he had done.
When I finally found my way back into the tent, my traitorous mind thought of him. What he might be doing. How he might have worshipped my body as if I were a blessing rather than the curse so many before had told me I was. I pictured what I would find if I searched for his thoughts, and then wondered if I should go to his tent and make some demands of my own.
While laying on my cot, an infinitely better idea sparked. I smirked, closing my eyes and getting comfortable. Using my powers this soon after burning out was stupid at best, but I was bitter, and pouting had done me no good. Plus, I could tell that my well of power was far deeper than I had previously believed. I could handle a small bit of revenge.
Reaching out, I tasted the air, seeing if his emotions had finally broken through that shield of his.
Eternity must have been feeling vengeful as well, because there he was, just as horribly disgruntled as I. But I did not risk attempting to read into his current thoughts, instead opting to feed him fresh ones. Better ones, if I dared say.
Images of me sneaking into his tent made their way to the front of his mind. I would be bare save the cloak he had leant me days ago, which would hang lazily from my shoulders. Then I altered the scene, flashing to me crawling on top of him, the cloak on the ground.
I could sense the arousal he was feeling, the excitement that set the hair on his body rising and brought bumps to his skin. A strong gust of wind hit my tent, and it took everything in me not to break the connection or show myself too soon as his powers got away from him. I gave him no mercy as I proceeded.
Then he was seeing me take off his trousers, my lips placing kisses up his thighs.
The demon was positively lost in the fantasy. Though I could not see what he was doing per se, I felt it, the unhinged chaos a relief from my own animosity.
I conjured up the sight of my mouth wrapping around his—
Black fire came at me, shoving my power out of his head and forming a solid wall of flame to keep me out. But the damage had already been done, and I was laughing as my power came back to me.
I gleefully hoped that feeling of unfulfillment would haunt him for a while.
Rustling from outside cut my joy short. I scrambled out of the furs, launching myself upright. Was he really going to storm in here?
But it was not Bellamy that popped his head through the opening of the tent. It was Henry, his orange hair a mess from traveling and his clothes still covered in blood. The shreds in his leathers remained, but the skin underneath was unmarred. Healed perfectly.
Surprise lit the demon’s face. For a moment I was unsure why, but then he let his eyes fall onto my torso, a smirk forming. Glancing down, I realized too late that I was still in Bellamy’s top. Horror filled me. I did not want Henry thinking I was sleeping with his prince. The two of us had formed a sort of friendship the last few days, and I hated to think he would pull away from training with me or spending time with me out of fear of Bellamy. I hastily wrapped my cloak tight around me.
To my astonishment, Henry closed the space between us and wrapped his arms around me in a bone-crunching hug. I stood there, arms slack at my sides, for a moment. But as the shock wore off, I found myself hugging him back. It was a warm embrace, and I was reminded how tall he was as the top of my head barely reached his chest.
“I am glad you are safe, Asher, I should have stuck closer to your side,” he spoke, his breath hitting my hair. Not once had he offered this level of kindness to me. In fact, he was the only one I could count on to regularly offer me fearless taunts other than Bellamy.
“Honestly, if you keep saying nice things to me, I might gag, carrot top,” I muttered into his chest. I felt the vibration of his full laugh rattle my head and smiled at the return of his former self.
Now that I had calmed down, I did not think I would attempt to kill Bellamy or any of his Trusted. I could count on them to protect me in the face of danger—they proved that tonight—but I knew they still lied through their teeth when they spoke to me.
Henry was slowly becoming the exception. Being around him was easy. He made me laugh, taught me without holding back, and often gave me truths that others would not dare offer. But that was seemingly due to the animosity between him and Bellamy. If they ever reconciled, I worried how that would change his treatment towards me.
“I sure do enjoy that annoying voice of yours, little brat.” He laughed, lightly flicking my nose before walking out of the tent, tugging me along by the hand. Outside, the sky had turned a brilliant shade of pink, like the hyacinths that were scattered across the field of grass. The group was sitting in front of a newly lit fire, still in their battle-torn clothing.
Bellamy walked out of his tent, a long-sleeve purple tunic replacing the old one he had put on me. The demon prince looked my way, as if sensing my stare. His gaze was scalding, the slide of his tongue across his lips sending my heart fluttering.
Then my hand joined with Henry’s caught his attention. In an instant his face was blank, controlled save for the tick of his jaw.
Noe followed his line of sight to me, a smile lighting her face. I offered a small one of my own in return, not wanting to offend her. Noe was the most eager out of Bellamy’s Trusted to befriend me, and I had to admit she was slowly wearing down my defenses.
Henry sat us down in between Cyprus and Ranbir, Bellamy across the way. The six of them who had finished the trek through the vile forest looked positively exhausted, so their choice to stay awake surprised me. Rest seemed like the least they were owed.
“How did you all fair? Everything went smoothly?” Bellamy inquired, looking over each of their faces. I noted the obvious concern in his voice, different than what Xavier used during council meetings. This was more familial, a loving warmth.
The group all nodded in response, none of them eager to speak after the hours of what was likely a fear-inducing journey after the attack. I could see that Ranbir had patched up each of them up, but sleep would still be needed to get them back to full health. The mind needed rest just as much as the body.
I thought of my own experiences with Healers. Tish had been around for most of my life, though two had come before her in short spurts. All had been instructed to heal me to the point I would not scar. Even my latest two healing sessions with her left me in perfect condition, not a scar or bruise could be found. I thought it was so I would not be subject to the memories that scars would call upon, but now I wondered if it was to assuage the royals’ guilt. Or perhaps to maintain the appearance of a loving family.
What it had really done was nearly drive me mad. The first few times it happened, I had thought I made the entire thing up. I spent days on end not sleeping or eating, thinking I might hallucinate once more. When I caught onto what was going on, I felt violated, as if I was missing a fundamental part of myself that had been stolen from me.
Looking down at my skin now, it was like I had never lived—like nothing and no one had existed within this body. Other than the scars from the afriktor attack. The ones I needed Ranbir to leave behind, if only so I could stay sane.
The fae king and queen’s betrayal stung me far worse than it should have. Love was not something felt between the royals, but I had always believed that they held the emotion for me. After all, they told me they loved me, that I was cherished. Through each beating and scolding, even the many rules in place, I had been under the impression that love was at the root of it all.
Maybe I was foolish to so easily believe the afriktor, but something about the feeling in my stomach that came when the beast delivered the news made it feel true. Never had I considered the idea that the couple who raised me were plotting against me, but now I was fairly sure they had been all along.
I shook my head, trying to prevent the grief from swallowing me whole.
“Hey Ash, any chance you want to turn in for the night?” Noe asked.
I looked over to her, surprised. Her eyes held a knowing sorrow, as if she had been privy to my thoughts. Realization hit me then. Noe, for all her joy and exuberance, had lived through a similar pain.
I nodded, not wanting to speak for fear those walls I had crafted around my emotions might break if I tried. Noe walked around the fire, reaching a hand out to me. I grabbed on, standing to walk with her towards the tent. She bid everyone goodnight for the both of us, and then we made our way to the safety of our shelter.
Overwhelming sorrow left me sobbing by the time we closed the fabric behind us, my body shaking and head spinning with too many thoughts to comprehend. I sat on my cot, Noe moving to rest on her own; allowing me the silence that I needed to finally feel what had been building up for so long.
I was alone. Truly alone. No family, all of my friends a sea away, not even the comfort of my own bed below me.
After a few minutes of my tears, Noe spoke.
“I know you feel as if no one is on your side, but I am here if you need to talk. To let it out,” she whispered. An offer of sorts. One I had not realized I needed until then.
Loneliness was terrifying in many ways, but it was also safer. I was taking a risk allowing Noe in, accepting the friendship she had so adamantly been attempting to form.
Yet, I knew I could not last much longer tucking away every memory and feeling that might hurt, especially now that I was aware it had been Mia who poisoned me. Not just in the last couple of months, but for years.
Somehow, I would seek the vengeance I was owed. Mia, Xavier, Sterling, even Bellamy, would get what they were due. I would be their karma.
But for now, all I could manage was to slump down on my cot and look into the hazel eyes across from me. They were warm and welcoming, eager to shoulder some of the burdens that weighed on my mind. Noe was kind and genuine, I could see that now. Whatever lies and secrets existed between us, they came from duty on her part.
“I think I have decided on my question I am owed,” I said.
Noe’s brow furrowed in confusion, taken aback by the seemingly random change of subject. However, she still nodded, willing to answer whatever question I wanted to ask.
“Would you perhaps consider being my friend, Noe?”
The Moon went unnaturally still. I waited, eager for her to answer. I had not expected rejection, but now I wondered if I should have. Noe was always moving, always speaking, always doing something. Seeing her simply stare was unnerving.
Then she smiled.
In an instant she went from her position perched on her cot, to up and bounding my way, barreling into me. The embrace was the kind that could stitch a shredded heart back together or heal a broken soul. It was a breathless, painful hug that brought the sobs back with twice the force.
“I would be honored to call you friend, Ash.”
For the first time since Sterling attacked me, I felt peace.